Daughter is an addict-loosing my mind
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 11
Daughter is an addict-loosing my mind
This is my first post here and I'm so glad that I have found a place to vent. My 16yr old daughter is an addict and my 14yr old is a cutter. I used to think that I was a great mother but I'm not so sure anymore. With that being said, here's my thoughts for today and the past few months.........
ADD (addict DD) sucks all of the life out of me. She's been sober for almost 60 days which is great but she's so damn demanding. I have been to NA meetings with her and I hear about how selfish they were when they were using. I agree but she's just as selfish in her recovery as she was then. She doesn't drive so I spend a lot of time and gas running her to meetings, work, to pick up friends, etc. She consumes all of my time, attention and energy...no wonder my YDD (younger DD) cuts. I really don't think I have ever met anyone as self centered as ADD. I can feel myself getting closer and closer to the edge but I feel so guilty for feeling this way. We (DH & myself) have jumped through 100s of hoops for this child-from getting her into a rehab close to home to getting her transferred to attend online high school so that she's not in the school/friend environment. We got her grades this weekend and she's failing everything...one class with an 8. Her prom is coming up next weekend and we have bought her a prom dress, have appts for hair, nails, etc. and now we're not even sure that she will be able to go-we should know tomorrow. Her antics have caused us to struggle financially but the money she makes at her almost full time job she just blows on crap-never thinking about helping us out. We let her have one of her non-drug using friends over on the weekends but they aren't allowed to leave the house-it's like having a toddler all over again. I could go on and on.....
Is there ever a balance or am I doomed to live like this forever?
ADD (addict DD) sucks all of the life out of me. She's been sober for almost 60 days which is great but she's so damn demanding. I have been to NA meetings with her and I hear about how selfish they were when they were using. I agree but she's just as selfish in her recovery as she was then. She doesn't drive so I spend a lot of time and gas running her to meetings, work, to pick up friends, etc. She consumes all of my time, attention and energy...no wonder my YDD (younger DD) cuts. I really don't think I have ever met anyone as self centered as ADD. I can feel myself getting closer and closer to the edge but I feel so guilty for feeling this way. We (DH & myself) have jumped through 100s of hoops for this child-from getting her into a rehab close to home to getting her transferred to attend online high school so that she's not in the school/friend environment. We got her grades this weekend and she's failing everything...one class with an 8. Her prom is coming up next weekend and we have bought her a prom dress, have appts for hair, nails, etc. and now we're not even sure that she will be able to go-we should know tomorrow. Her antics have caused us to struggle financially but the money she makes at her almost full time job she just blows on crap-never thinking about helping us out. We let her have one of her non-drug using friends over on the weekends but they aren't allowed to leave the house-it's like having a toddler all over again. I could go on and on.....
Is there ever a balance or am I doomed to live like this forever?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR! This is a REALLY great place to vent, learn from others, and share!
There can be a balance and your not doomed to live like this forever, but YOU need to create that balance and take charge of your own life again. Your the adult, not your daughter, and therefore you need to be in charge instead of her running your life. (I know it is easier said than done, but you need to get that mindset down before you can begin to make it start happening).
First off, start setting boundaries on how much time you will be available to bring her places. She might not be able to drive, but not being able to drive never stopped her from getting her drugs before so while should it stop her from getting to meetings and work? Besides that, she can start taking public transportation places or creating car pools with people's parents like one day you drive the next day other people drive when it comes to seeing friends. Basically, she is using you as the easy way to get places and not trying to get a ride elsewhere. All else fails, she doesn't need to be busy all day long. Many teenager are told if you can't find a ride then you stay home. Therefore, if she can't find a ride, take a bus, walk, ride a bike, etc. then she stays home. Also, she works and spends her money on whatever she wants, she can always use some of that money for a taxi to get to her meetings or work.
Further, stop letting her consume all of your time. She is 16 years old, she shouldn't need mommy for everything. Set boundaries for if she is getting bossy or nasty then she will be grounded or lose privileges, if her grades go down she loses privileges, if she disrespects you then she loses privileges. Basically, she needs to be put in her place and realize she is not the center of the universe. She is 16 years old and not only needs to respect you but needs to help out around the house and be responsible.
As for prom, if it is determined that she can't go because her grades are so bad you should make her pay you back for the dress and any money that went into it. She works, so she should have been paying for all those things anyway. Also, if you feel that she should be paying for things around the house then make it so some of her paycheck goes directly to you. She is 16, there are certain things she does not get an option with. Set down the rules and stick to them.
Perhaps counseling for her, your younger daughter, and the family will help. It sounds like the dynamics of the family have been thrown out of whack and she thinks she is the queen of the house. You don't need to live in this craziness any longer and she is old enough to be told to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. The failing grades are just not acceptable and catering to her every need is not helping anyone.
There can be a balance and your not doomed to live like this forever, but YOU need to create that balance and take charge of your own life again. Your the adult, not your daughter, and therefore you need to be in charge instead of her running your life. (I know it is easier said than done, but you need to get that mindset down before you can begin to make it start happening).
First off, start setting boundaries on how much time you will be available to bring her places. She might not be able to drive, but not being able to drive never stopped her from getting her drugs before so while should it stop her from getting to meetings and work? Besides that, she can start taking public transportation places or creating car pools with people's parents like one day you drive the next day other people drive when it comes to seeing friends. Basically, she is using you as the easy way to get places and not trying to get a ride elsewhere. All else fails, she doesn't need to be busy all day long. Many teenager are told if you can't find a ride then you stay home. Therefore, if she can't find a ride, take a bus, walk, ride a bike, etc. then she stays home. Also, she works and spends her money on whatever she wants, she can always use some of that money for a taxi to get to her meetings or work.
Further, stop letting her consume all of your time. She is 16 years old, she shouldn't need mommy for everything. Set boundaries for if she is getting bossy or nasty then she will be grounded or lose privileges, if her grades go down she loses privileges, if she disrespects you then she loses privileges. Basically, she needs to be put in her place and realize she is not the center of the universe. She is 16 years old and not only needs to respect you but needs to help out around the house and be responsible.
As for prom, if it is determined that she can't go because her grades are so bad you should make her pay you back for the dress and any money that went into it. She works, so she should have been paying for all those things anyway. Also, if you feel that she should be paying for things around the house then make it so some of her paycheck goes directly to you. She is 16, there are certain things she does not get an option with. Set down the rules and stick to them.
Perhaps counseling for her, your younger daughter, and the family will help. It sounds like the dynamics of the family have been thrown out of whack and she thinks she is the queen of the house. You don't need to live in this craziness any longer and she is old enough to be told to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. The failing grades are just not acceptable and catering to her every need is not helping anyone.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I second the suggestion of counseling. You need practical advice and solutions! Call the rehab or whatever community resources you have available for individual referrals. I'm glad you've reached out for help, please reach out locally, too!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Kind of sounds like your walking on egg shells and jumping through all these hoops because you are afraid that if you don’t – she will relapse.
And I am quite sure she knows this and uses it to take advantage of mom.
Not sure what kind of recovery the “family” received while ADD was in rehab but you and your other daughter could certainly benefit from some counseling.
How much time to you give to your other daughter?
Had your daughter not been an addict, would her behavior be acceptable to you? Would failing grades warrant a prom dress and nail and hair appointments?
It just sounds like you are so scared she will relapse you are willing to sell your soul to the devil.
And I am quite sure she knows this and uses it to take advantage of mom.
Not sure what kind of recovery the “family” received while ADD was in rehab but you and your other daughter could certainly benefit from some counseling.
How much time to you give to your other daughter?
Had your daughter not been an addict, would her behavior be acceptable to you? Would failing grades warrant a prom dress and nail and hair appointments?
It just sounds like you are so scared she will relapse you are willing to sell your soul to the devil.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
atj- Meetings can help by providing a support network of other addicts in recovery. If your AD has been going to meetings, does she have a sponsor? A sponsor might be helpful in arranging transportation to meetings. I have been in your shoes and run myself ragged over my AD's needs but you can't do everything or it will make you crazy.
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