Kind of upset that I'm in this situation...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 44
Kind of upset that I'm in this situation...
All my life I have been battling depression. I entered kindergarten depressed. I didn't know what the word suicide was, but I felt it at age 12. It seems that I have always been trying to deal with or cope with someone else's abuse of me. It has left me feeling like I will never know what true intimacy is. I know what love is, my son loves me. But sometimes it is not enough. It's shameful, but I believe in being honest. I do my best to give my son what was never given to me, and the fact that I can (halfway, at least) do this is amazing to me. I try to show him as much affection as possible, be there for him in the ways that I never got. My son has autism, and outside of school I am his only support. Since we left his father last November, he has started talking, he knows his letters and numbers, and he's starting to read. He's fascinated with NASA, and has graduated from most cartoons. He is 4. So help me, I will never subject him to his father again. I will be in court tomorrow, to testify against my husband for threatening me. I hate that man.
My husband started drinking when he was 15. He's 42 now. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that he uses alcoholism as the excuse for his abuse of me. But he was sober most of the times that he threatened me...and he has a history of battering women (so I have come to find out). I fear that tomorrow in court, he will blubber and cry, and the judge will take pity on him and not give him the jail time he deserves. And the only way I will be able to escape this man is if he is jailed for at least six months to a year. More would be preferable to me. I'm sorry, but I just can't be understanding anymore.
What about my life? What about my son's? We are literally prisoners in this state, because that man exists. It's not fair. I tried co-parenting with him, after his drunken rages caused me to flee with my child from our home for the third time (parental kidnapping by my state's laws...go figure...I guess I was supposed to leave my baby there...then I'd be accused of abandoning him). I stopped the weekend visits when I smelled alcohol on him, after he swore to me that he did not drink when our son was around (I never believed him). Our son is an escape artist; he needs to be under constant supervision. He sleeps with me, so I know where he is at night. My husband would leave the windows open wide enough for him to get through, or forget to lock the door. Three times when we were still living together, my son escaped our apartment. I caught him just in time.
I have no life. Besides being ill, I am the sole caregiver for my son. I live with my mother and her husband (who is also an alcoholic). My stepfather (under the influence, but that is no excuse to me) used to come at me in inappropriate ways. I used to be so afraid. That was ten years ago. I ran away to live with my father to avoid being raped. These days I just hate this man. I have to ask his permission to move around this house. I'd go to a shelter, but they have 4-month-long waiting lists here, and I'm waiting for my social security hearing. I am stuck for now.
I just want to know why my husband gets the support he does, and I am left with nothing. He's hooked up in his AA meetings, and he has a place to stay after he uses up the $3400 I put down for our second apartment (because he lost the first after I left him the first time...I was so worthless without a job, but he couldn't pay his bills without me). He has two job offers, his life is getting back on track almost immediately...and I sit here broken.
I feel so broken.
The way he treated me...I trusted this man, even when some of my deepest instincts told me not to. I thought those fears were just my health talking. I had a stroke when I was 25...met him 6 months later. I didn't want to date, because I thought my health would be a burden. Well, that's what he treated me like, after I risked my life to have his son.
Sometimes I feel like no one will ever love me. My mother abused me, my father walked out of my life. My family ignores me because of the lies my mother has told about me for almost two decades. And every day I have to live with her smiling in my face, pretending she hasn't been a complete witch, valuing money over my virtue (my stepfather has millions). I live in a gilded cage.
I hate alcohol. I have never even been drunk. Mainly because my girlfriends are crazy and would put me on youtube, but also because I take too many meds...don't want to deal with bad interactions. I need dilaudid to get rid of my headaches.
I just feel so alone. And I'm resentful of the fact that I have to take these steps along with my husband. Just separating from him will not be enough. And how do I work them? I no longer believe in God. 27+ years of praying for someone to love the pain away with no answer...either there is no god or god is cruel. I'm tired of seeing suffering, and I'm tired of suffering. How do I submit myself to something that I don't believe in or even wish to define anymore?
And why is my husband getting off so easily? You abuse a person, claim that you have a problem, and the courts just order you into a program? He did that already...at my request, the first time he assaulted me. He not only waited too long to start, but he told me that he liked drinking, and should be able to do it if he wanted to. I asked him to choose his addiction or his family. I feel he made his choice. Why is justice laughing at me? And am I really totally at fault because I didn't forsee all of this?
My husband started drinking when he was 15. He's 42 now. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that he uses alcoholism as the excuse for his abuse of me. But he was sober most of the times that he threatened me...and he has a history of battering women (so I have come to find out). I fear that tomorrow in court, he will blubber and cry, and the judge will take pity on him and not give him the jail time he deserves. And the only way I will be able to escape this man is if he is jailed for at least six months to a year. More would be preferable to me. I'm sorry, but I just can't be understanding anymore.
What about my life? What about my son's? We are literally prisoners in this state, because that man exists. It's not fair. I tried co-parenting with him, after his drunken rages caused me to flee with my child from our home for the third time (parental kidnapping by my state's laws...go figure...I guess I was supposed to leave my baby there...then I'd be accused of abandoning him). I stopped the weekend visits when I smelled alcohol on him, after he swore to me that he did not drink when our son was around (I never believed him). Our son is an escape artist; he needs to be under constant supervision. He sleeps with me, so I know where he is at night. My husband would leave the windows open wide enough for him to get through, or forget to lock the door. Three times when we were still living together, my son escaped our apartment. I caught him just in time.
I have no life. Besides being ill, I am the sole caregiver for my son. I live with my mother and her husband (who is also an alcoholic). My stepfather (under the influence, but that is no excuse to me) used to come at me in inappropriate ways. I used to be so afraid. That was ten years ago. I ran away to live with my father to avoid being raped. These days I just hate this man. I have to ask his permission to move around this house. I'd go to a shelter, but they have 4-month-long waiting lists here, and I'm waiting for my social security hearing. I am stuck for now.
I just want to know why my husband gets the support he does, and I am left with nothing. He's hooked up in his AA meetings, and he has a place to stay after he uses up the $3400 I put down for our second apartment (because he lost the first after I left him the first time...I was so worthless without a job, but he couldn't pay his bills without me). He has two job offers, his life is getting back on track almost immediately...and I sit here broken.
I feel so broken.
The way he treated me...I trusted this man, even when some of my deepest instincts told me not to. I thought those fears were just my health talking. I had a stroke when I was 25...met him 6 months later. I didn't want to date, because I thought my health would be a burden. Well, that's what he treated me like, after I risked my life to have his son.
Sometimes I feel like no one will ever love me. My mother abused me, my father walked out of my life. My family ignores me because of the lies my mother has told about me for almost two decades. And every day I have to live with her smiling in my face, pretending she hasn't been a complete witch, valuing money over my virtue (my stepfather has millions). I live in a gilded cage.
I hate alcohol. I have never even been drunk. Mainly because my girlfriends are crazy and would put me on youtube, but also because I take too many meds...don't want to deal with bad interactions. I need dilaudid to get rid of my headaches.
I just feel so alone. And I'm resentful of the fact that I have to take these steps along with my husband. Just separating from him will not be enough. And how do I work them? I no longer believe in God. 27+ years of praying for someone to love the pain away with no answer...either there is no god or god is cruel. I'm tired of seeing suffering, and I'm tired of suffering. How do I submit myself to something that I don't believe in or even wish to define anymore?
And why is my husband getting off so easily? You abuse a person, claim that you have a problem, and the courts just order you into a program? He did that already...at my request, the first time he assaulted me. He not only waited too long to start, but he told me that he liked drinking, and should be able to do it if he wanted to. I asked him to choose his addiction or his family. I feel he made his choice. Why is justice laughing at me? And am I really totally at fault because I didn't forsee all of this?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Lady,
It sounds like you have been through a lot. If you have a case in the criminal court system, there is a victim advocate available to help you. I strongly recommend that you connect with the advocate, who can direct you to a lot of resources, including counseling and housing assistance so you can get un-trapped.
Judges are not moved by tearful defendants, believe me. They see it every day, and see those same guys come back after doing the same kinds of things. I was a DV prosecutor for many years, and I still work in the field.
There is justice for you, too, but you have to reach out for the help to get it. Please contact the DA's office and ask for the victim advocate's office. Tell them what you have told us here.
I'm glad your abuser is being held accountable. If he gets a probationary sentence, that isn't a "free pass." He will be monitored carefully and can go to jail or prison if he violates the terms of his probation. Make sure you report any contact he tries to make with you that is in violation of his probation.
And please get yourself hooked up with Al-Anon, too. You will find that a great help in finding yourself again.
Hugs,
It sounds like you have been through a lot. If you have a case in the criminal court system, there is a victim advocate available to help you. I strongly recommend that you connect with the advocate, who can direct you to a lot of resources, including counseling and housing assistance so you can get un-trapped.
Judges are not moved by tearful defendants, believe me. They see it every day, and see those same guys come back after doing the same kinds of things. I was a DV prosecutor for many years, and I still work in the field.
There is justice for you, too, but you have to reach out for the help to get it. Please contact the DA's office and ask for the victim advocate's office. Tell them what you have told us here.
I'm glad your abuser is being held accountable. If he gets a probationary sentence, that isn't a "free pass." He will be monitored carefully and can go to jail or prison if he violates the terms of his probation. Make sure you report any contact he tries to make with you that is in violation of his probation.
And please get yourself hooked up with Al-Anon, too. You will find that a great help in finding yourself again.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 44
Hi LexieCat,
We go to court tomorrow for the preliminary hearing due to his last death threat. The DV advocate and the detectives will be there. If I choose to have him fully prosecuted, I was told that tomorrow is just the beginning. I don't want to let him off with another order into a program. He failed to complete the terms of his last sentence, was violated for going over the two-year time limit, and did not get jail time for it. It was felt that he had "received punishment enough." I feel that the punishment hasn't stopped for me and my son. My son doesn't understand what is going on, and can't articulate what he feels. That makes him very angry after seeing his father, even for an hour. I ache for him. He's so much calmer when he doesn't see his father at all.
I'm afraid that the longer my husband walks free, the more smoke screens he will erect to cause people to think that he's in recovery. This man will never admit he has a true problem. I am afraid that my son and I will be subject to him in some form for years to come, and I fear the damage that will do to us. I'm not sure when to express this; tomorrow, at the preliminary custody hearing (which, according to what I've been told is obsolete because I have full custody through the PO), or in later court dates as he's prosecuted. But each day that he walks free is a day for him to get fed up at the way "the system" is mistreating him (holding him accountable) and come after me. My son is sequestered away at school each day, and so far my husband doesn't know I've switched him.
As afraid as I am, I will be going to Al-anon (and other support groups) soon. Possibly this week, if the schedule is what I think it is.
We go to court tomorrow for the preliminary hearing due to his last death threat. The DV advocate and the detectives will be there. If I choose to have him fully prosecuted, I was told that tomorrow is just the beginning. I don't want to let him off with another order into a program. He failed to complete the terms of his last sentence, was violated for going over the two-year time limit, and did not get jail time for it. It was felt that he had "received punishment enough." I feel that the punishment hasn't stopped for me and my son. My son doesn't understand what is going on, and can't articulate what he feels. That makes him very angry after seeing his father, even for an hour. I ache for him. He's so much calmer when he doesn't see his father at all.
I'm afraid that the longer my husband walks free, the more smoke screens he will erect to cause people to think that he's in recovery. This man will never admit he has a true problem. I am afraid that my son and I will be subject to him in some form for years to come, and I fear the damage that will do to us. I'm not sure when to express this; tomorrow, at the preliminary custody hearing (which, according to what I've been told is obsolete because I have full custody through the PO), or in later court dates as he's prosecuted. But each day that he walks free is a day for him to get fed up at the way "the system" is mistreating him (holding him accountable) and come after me. My son is sequestered away at school each day, and so far my husband doesn't know I've switched him.
As afraid as I am, I will be going to Al-anon (and other support groups) soon. Possibly this week, if the schedule is what I think it is.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, good. One step at a time. Grab that advocate and take advantage of any and all assistance they can offer you. Tell the advocate about your living situation (deal with stepfather)--if he tried to molest you he could be a risk to your son. My bet is they can help with getting you different housing.
There should be a "no contact" condition on his bail. Ask to have it include your son, as well. The prosecutor should explain exactly what you will need to talk about. Make sure you get to court early so you can talk to him or her before you have to say anything.
Actually, it isn't up to you to "choose" whether to prosecute him. That is a decision the prosecutor will make. All you need to do is to be a hundred percent truthful in response to any questions you are asked.
You sound like a very brave and caring mom. Keep posting here. We will help support you every step of the way.
There should be a "no contact" condition on his bail. Ask to have it include your son, as well. The prosecutor should explain exactly what you will need to talk about. Make sure you get to court early so you can talk to him or her before you have to say anything.
Actually, it isn't up to you to "choose" whether to prosecute him. That is a decision the prosecutor will make. All you need to do is to be a hundred percent truthful in response to any questions you are asked.
You sound like a very brave and caring mom. Keep posting here. We will help support you every step of the way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
LadyinLimbo,
While you are getting ready tonight, maybe you could keep a notebook nearby.
When something comes to mind, a memory or a question you have, write it down.
That way, you will have it ready when you talk to the prosecutor.
Just an idea.
You have been thru hell, no doubt about that.
I have no doubt you have the strength to get thru this.
Your son is very lucky to have you on his side. Keep up the good work, and keep doing the next right thing. You can do this.
Beth
While you are getting ready tonight, maybe you could keep a notebook nearby.
When something comes to mind, a memory or a question you have, write it down.
That way, you will have it ready when you talk to the prosecutor.
Just an idea.
You have been thru hell, no doubt about that.
I have no doubt you have the strength to get thru this.
Your son is very lucky to have you on his side. Keep up the good work, and keep doing the next right thing. You can do this.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 44
Weeks ago, before the protective order hearing, I wrote down a series of rebuttals to what I know will be his excuses tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to touch on them. As for the timeline of this past several years, it's all still fresh in my mind. Dates and everything.
Thank you for your encouragement. The thought of tomorrow has me feeling a bit dizzy, but I will take it one step at a time.
Thank you for your encouragement. The thought of tomorrow has me feeling a bit dizzy, but I will take it one step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
The thought of tomorrow has me feeling a bit dizzy, but I will take it one step at a time.
I have a feeling that you are prepared for whatever happens, and whatever you need to do to keep your son healthy and happy.
It took me a long time to get to that idea about one step at a time!
I can be hardheaded. (she says quietly)
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 44
I'm a late bloomer...my mom's control of my life (she has a borderline personality) has affected a lot. I hate being in transition like this, so the concept of time wasted really gets to me. I have to un-learn that. Sitting still for a day really isn't a crime. And 31 isn't old. I have to stop comparing myself to my peers....who haven't been through things like this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
((Lady)) I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. You are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and for your son though!! You are so brave!
My Mother has borderline personality disorder as well. The control issues and unpredictable mood swings made it hard for me to choose healthy relationships as an adult and really had some far-reaching effects. Counseling really helped me so if/when they offer it to you, I recommend it highly.
We are all pulling for you! I hope it went well today!
My Mother has borderline personality disorder as well. The control issues and unpredictable mood swings made it hard for me to choose healthy relationships as an adult and really had some far-reaching effects. Counseling really helped me so if/when they offer it to you, I recommend it highly.
We are all pulling for you! I hope it went well today!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by SolTraveler 
((Lady)) I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. You are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and for your son though!! You are so brave!
My Mother has borderline personality disorder as well. The control issues and unpredictable mood swings made it hard for me to choose healthy relationships as an adult and really had some far-reaching effects. Counseling really helped me so if/when they offer it to you, I recommend it highly.
We are all pulling for you! I hope it went well today!
My Mother has borderline personality disorder as well. The control issues and unpredictable mood swings made it hard for me to choose healthy relationships as an adult and really had some far-reaching effects. Counseling really helped me so if/when they offer it to you, I recommend it highly.
We are all pulling for you! I hope it went well today!
I am going to go to an al-anon meeting this week in a neighboring city, if it's held at a time I can get to it. My therapist said that it would help with issues from my childhood as well. It's hard living with my mother and stepfather, facing the memories each day. And it seems that at every opportunity she gets, my mother tries to point out how I was such a horrible child that she had to do the things she did to me, and that she can relate to my domestic violence situation because my dad cheated on her...and in her mind her situation was worse.
I find outlets as much as I can. I'm in school, I have started painting and making jewelry. I exercise when I can to deal with my health issues. I'm trying to take it one day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 44
Update:
Court was a circus. It's amazing, they tell you to escape a violent situation, go to a shelter, press charges. I've been trying to get out of this legally for 2.5 years. It's taken that long to get the system in this area to take me seriously. I have been degraded as a person and as a mother by two (female) cops. Magistrates have failed to take me seriously; one said "it's not illegal to drink, it's not illegal to argue," and laughed as he gave me the 72-hour order.
Yesterday, my husband's attorney agreed to the plea deal at first, but my sociopathic husband feels that jail is a violation of HIM (to hell with him violating others!!!!), so the defense attorney cross examines me, claims I egged my husband on, that he didn't directly threaten me (when the emails show that he did), and tried to insinuate that I was pulling a Manti Te'o, that I didn't know who I was emailing back and forth with. My husband used his usual (lies) excuses, saying he was about to lose his home (he's been about to lose his home for months...), that he is diabetic and can't afford his insulin (I negotiated with his doctor and Walmart to find insulin that we could just barely afford), and that he had no job (if he hadn't stolen, he wouldn't have gotten fired...and he blames me for giving back the stolen laptop he sent me and essentially turning him in to the Feds). He sat there and cried, made himself shake, tried to lick his neck...the prosecutors were looking at him like he was insane (which he is).
The judge sentenced him to 7 days in jail (not enough, I say), 1 year of probation with a suspended jail sentence of 5.5 months. If he so much as breathes in my direction, I'm reporting him. Meanwhile, since I'm still his wife, still on that blasted lease, and I still have things of mine and my son's in that house, I'm going to get them while he's in jail.I have a key. Judge told him there was plenty of insulin in prison. I just wish he'd be in there longer.
Court was a circus. It's amazing, they tell you to escape a violent situation, go to a shelter, press charges. I've been trying to get out of this legally for 2.5 years. It's taken that long to get the system in this area to take me seriously. I have been degraded as a person and as a mother by two (female) cops. Magistrates have failed to take me seriously; one said "it's not illegal to drink, it's not illegal to argue," and laughed as he gave me the 72-hour order.
Yesterday, my husband's attorney agreed to the plea deal at first, but my sociopathic husband feels that jail is a violation of HIM (to hell with him violating others!!!!), so the defense attorney cross examines me, claims I egged my husband on, that he didn't directly threaten me (when the emails show that he did), and tried to insinuate that I was pulling a Manti Te'o, that I didn't know who I was emailing back and forth with. My husband used his usual (lies) excuses, saying he was about to lose his home (he's been about to lose his home for months...), that he is diabetic and can't afford his insulin (I negotiated with his doctor and Walmart to find insulin that we could just barely afford), and that he had no job (if he hadn't stolen, he wouldn't have gotten fired...and he blames me for giving back the stolen laptop he sent me and essentially turning him in to the Feds). He sat there and cried, made himself shake, tried to lick his neck...the prosecutors were looking at him like he was insane (which he is).
The judge sentenced him to 7 days in jail (not enough, I say), 1 year of probation with a suspended jail sentence of 5.5 months. If he so much as breathes in my direction, I'm reporting him. Meanwhile, since I'm still his wife, still on that blasted lease, and I still have things of mine and my son's in that house, I'm going to get them while he's in jail.I have a key. Judge told him there was plenty of insulin in prison. I just wish he'd be in there longer.
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