Sybil07

I'm new to this forum, but I probably shouldn't be because I have been dealing with the same issues for almost 5 years. Yet even after 5 years, I still don't understand what I am doing wrong, and I have lost sight of who I am and who I want to be.
I will try to make this saga as short as possible. My husband is an addict. You name it, he has used it. When I first met him he shared with me that he had a drug problem as a teenager, but hadn't touched anything except the occasional marijuana in several years... which was a total lie that I believed. Over the first few months of our relationship he was great, we were three hours apart but he made me feel so appreciated and cared for. I only saw him on weekends, but we talked every day. As time went on he changed. Phone calls stopped coming in, text messages went unanswered and I was left feeling bewildered. Turns out he had a drinking problem that I couldn't recognize because I 1) didn't want to, and 2) didn't have a chance to witness because I only spent 48 hours with him every month. After months of him breaking promise after promise to make the 3 hour drive to come and see me (instead of me coming to him), he broke his promise to me for what I felt needed to be the LAST time. He told me he couldn't make it again, and I told him to not worry as I wouldn't be asking him to ever see me again. That must have sent him into panic mode because the moment I sent that text message, my phone started ringing. When I finally answered, I got my first dose of, "I think we could really be happy together, If I'm ever going to love someone then I know that it has to be you." I believed that mess, and in turn experienced the first (of many) episodes.
Things were great for a while and I couldn't have been happier... then one day he started acting strange again. He broke up with me! I had no idea why, and I could not get ahold of myself. I went over to his apartment a few mornings later (I had a key) to get the rest of my things and I found a note from his ex girlfriend, she had written about how happy she was that they were together again. That started my first summer of hell. He was with her, he was with me, he was probably with both of us, he was with no one (yeah right), he was with her, he was with me... on and on. Finally, he proposed to me, and just like that we were engaged.
I wish I could say that it all worked out from there, but it didn't. I had no idea I was dealing with someone who ate pain pills like they were skittles, drank like a fish, and snorted cocaine until his nose would bleed... oh oh don't let me forget the pot!
I had no idea what addiction really was, I thought he needed help, but I had no idea what it would lead him to do to himself and everyone around him.

I spent two more years going through the agony of him leaving me for her, leaving me because he didn't love me anymore, leaving me because I didn't love him in the way he wanted me to which encompassed me being okay with anything and everything that he ever wanted to do involving drugs or not coming home for DAYS.
I moved out, I moved back in, I moved out, I moved back in. She was pregnant, and he needed to be there for her, funny thing is that she miscarried and no one thought to let me in on that detail for months. It wasn't until after I had moved back home and started to get my life on track that he felt the need for me to take pity on him and take him back because he had made such a huge mistake and on top of that he had "just lost his child yesterday." More like 3 months ago when I was living with him and trying to be accepting of all the time he was spending with "the mother of his unborn child." I fell for it. And I believed that his drug use really wasn't that serious, in fact I believed him when he would tell me he was clean. He left me again because he didn't love me and wanted her. Then he wanted me again and he had made such a huge mistake. Then he left me because he had remembered a girl from high school and really thought that he could never pass up the opportunity to be with someone whom he had always had feelings for. Then he loved me again, then he kicked me out for the original girl.... again. Turns out, she was stealing morphine and dilaudid from her patients and giving it to him.
I left that time, and I was truly miserable, but I started feeling better, but I had just one problem; I was pregnant. 6 weeks after he had kicked me out and gotten engaged to her, I had to let him know about the baby.
The pregnancy made him confess that he was so wrong to throw me away, and how he had been upset about it ever since I had left. We got married. I miscarried, which was probably for the best. And I had accepted the fact that he was a drug addict. My husband would use in front of me every day. He would ask me to count how many pills he was taking so that he knew he would have enough for later, and if not I would tell him when we had enough money for him to go out and buy more. Looking back on it, I am not proud.
He eventually ran out of pills and cocaine from all sources and had to go through withdrawal. It got so bad that he actually wanted to go to rehab, so he did. Soon after he got out of rehab, he stopped working the steps. When I say soon, I mean a week after he got out. But he wasn't using, so what could I really say?
He says he has been sober since then, but I know he has the occasional drink, and I know he has been drunk a few times.
Now to my current situation: A month ago I found text messages between him and another woman that suggested some sort of inappropriate relationship, and text messages to his ex drug dealer and his addict uncle discussing different pill transactions and prices. We "worked it out," and he moved back home after I kicked him out and wanted a divorce for two days because of his cheating.
A week ago he said he was going out with friends and he would be home later. He never came home. His phone was off, so I didn't know what to do. I checked his voicemails and he had messages from a woman that we both know calling him "babe," and explaining when she would be off work. As well as messages from his uncle, yet again discussing different pill transactions. I tracked my husband down at his job, and let him know I knew about the other woman, and before I could say anything about it. HE LEFT ME! He said he wasn't really happy with me, there is something missing between us, he's not in love with me anymore, it's just not working out, and he wants a divorce.

That was last Saturday, on Tuesday he began a Facebook official relationship with the woman he left me for. And he can't figure out why that would upset me or why I would even be concerned about it.
I have asked him if he is using and all I got was, "My uncle needs a favor, and I wasn't even going to do it! I'm not using."

Someone please help me. I have heard so many lies over the years that I have no idea what the truth is. He has been gone for 8 days and I still keep expecting him to walk through the door.
I told him the other day that I needed him to hurry up with the divorce and all that did was start an argument because I am supposedly seeing other men (I'm not and I said I wasn't!). but he says he doesn't care what I do because its none of his business anymore.

I don't know what to think.
I'm sorry this is so long... I had to get it all straight in my mind.

Sybil07

I really need some help. I feel like I am drowning in tears while my husband skips off into the sunset with another woman. All the messages suggest that he is using, but he keeps denying it. I don't know what to believe anymore. But I am alone in a town where I have no friends or family, all I had was him. And I feel like I can't function. I don't eat, I can't sleep, and I get so depressed and worried that I can barely function at work.

AnvilheadII

sweetheart, he was never really THERE for you...between the drugs and the other women??? I am so sorry you are hurting right now, but it's time to start recognizing lies are lies, he has shown you over and over and over again what he has to offer. NOTHING except heart ache.

love said is just a WORD
love lived does not need WORDS

you need to break, permanently, from this man. he's knocked up at least two women, without committing to either one, or more importantly, the CHILDREN he spawned.

you are worth so much more than this. I hope today you begin to believe that!!

Sybil07

I don't have a choice of whether or not I want to break from him or not. He left me for another woman, a different woman this month than the one last month. I don't understand what happened that he could change so suddenly from being happy with me, to not being happy with me and wanting a divorce. My head is spinning.
Everyone in my family, and all my friends say that I need to tell him "No," when he comes back and wants to be with me, but I don't think he is ever coming back... and that breaks my heart even more. Despite everything that he has done to me, I still love him, and I feel like I have lost my best friend. Why do I love him so much, and he can't stop mistreating me and lying to me?

meadowsis

Sybil07, reading through your story (which he treated you horribly throughout), all I can say is.....when are you going to give up your addiction to him?

There is NO reason anyone should be treated that way, at some point though you need to look at why you keep letting that happen. It may not feel it at this point, but it may be a blessing he left you.

Deep breath, start reading here (the stickies, other stories, about codependency), maybe attend an al anon meeting near you, and start to understand the reasons for this statement you made.

"Why do I love him so much, and he can't stop mistreating me and lying to me?"

Coming here was definitely a great step, take care!

zoso77

Sybil...

My comments will be brief.

He says he's not using, huh? Yeah, he's been so truthful and forthright in the past.

This man is a World Class A-Hole. Yes, he's an addict. Yes, he's sick. But the level of self-seeking and lack of accountability on his part is staggering. If you stay coupled to this man, he will take you down with him. And he won't care when that happens.

Life is too short to have people in our lives that try to rob us of our dignity and self worth. By having anything to do with him, you give him tacit permission to do just that. It's time for that to stop, Sybil. Far past time.

ZoSo

EverHopeful721

Sybil, I agree with everyone above - you deserve SO MUCH better than this!! Even if you take the drugs out of the equation, this man is a SERIAL CHEATER, and has cheated on you more times than you can count. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but the best thing he could have done was end it with you, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to let him go and move on to better things. You said it yourself, he can't stop mistreating you and lying to you - is that how you want to live the rest of your life? As meadowsis said, you obviously are addicted to him, as so many of us here are or have been addicted to our addicts. Please read some of the other stories around here, and you'll see that if you continue with him, you are most likely just going to be hurt over and over and over again. You absolutely deserve better!!

Sybil07

I am addicted to him. I have known that for a long time. And just like any other addict, giving up my drug of choice (my husband) is the scariest thing I have ever had to face. I have lived almost my whole adult life depending on and loving someone who is neither dependable, nor loveable. I keep thinking that he will change. I keep thinking that our family will be more important than drugs, and more important than all his other compulsive behaviors, but nothing ever really changes! It changes for a while, but even when there are no other women, and no drugs, he still puts everything that he wants before me. I wish I knew how to stop loving him. What's the first step? How can you stop loving your husband? How can I give up on something that I have sacrificed so much for?! I put everything I had into this marriage because I felt like I had to in order to keep the man that I love and my best friend. Now I feel like there is nothing left of me.

zoso77

And what evidence is there to support this?

I believe that's the wrong question to ask. A better question is when are you going to start loving yourself.

If you choose to do that -- love yourself -- then the rest may be easier than you think it is. Because if you love yourself, there would be no way in hell you'd allow a toxic SOB to treat you in the manner that your AH has.

Let me stress this, Sybil. He may be an addict, and he may be sick, but his behavior is unequivocally inexcusable and reprehensible. And it is entirely within your power to say ENOUGH!!!

Read as many of our posts as you can. Read some more. Keep an open mind. Learn, learn, and learn some more. Find a local Al Anon/Nar Anon meeting and listen to the stories of others. Share when you're comfortable and allow others to comfort you while you're going through this.

ZoSo

story74

Ok, I am going to be blunt. GET OUT! This doesn't sound like a marriage filled with respect and/or love. You deserve SO much better, and you will find it. But, you have to find yourself first.

In my opinion, I would leave him and never look back.

Good luck. Keep reading and educating yourself. Sending many blessings, and I am so sorry for your pain.

Troubledsister

Your story sounds VERY much like my brother's. The lies, cheating, impregnating his girlfriend, then cheating with the x-wife, staying out all night, not answering texts or calls, etc.. the sickness of addiction ONLY gets worse, not better, without a recovery plan.

Work on YOU! STAY AWAY from the lying, cheating addict! You deserve better!

TabulaRasa81

Step one...Love yourself.
That is all.

vicswife

Hi Sybil07, file for divorce, you deserve it. He's not a nice guy, he might be a bad guy that does nice things from time to time, but he's not a nice guy. Thank the other girl, she did you a huge favor and the next girl did her a huge favor. THEN buy yourself some flowers, you deserve them. Paint your bedroom, it's YOUR room, make it yours. Keep busy. Block his number on your cell, if you don't have children together.
Take control of this situation. You are looking at this like you are losing something when in fact HE is the one that is losing.

wicked

Sybil,

Please read your story as if your daughter wrote it.
Would you tell her to wait for him to change?

zoso has said something similar to his two times now, and this is the charm.

He is an addict for sure, but his behavior towards you and any other woman for that matter is almost pathologically hateful.

Get some help to grieve, you must grieve. Is your addiction to him a way to numb yourself from feeling grief and pain?
It is one of the many reasons I drank myself into a blackout every other night (the last year of my 20 years of alcohol abuse).

Please focus on yourself so you can be there totally for your children. The ones you have struggled so very much to have. They need you. He does not.

Beth

Big hugs and strength to you.

Sybil07

We don't have any children, we miscarried, but I see what you are saying. I know that I want my life to be happier and more stable, and I spent a lot of time thinking that he would be there with me when it became happy and stable. Looking back, we had a few short periods of that, but they never lasted long, and he was constantly making me feel like I'm just not good enough. Every emotion I felt, and every thought I had was wrong in some way. I need to learn to trust myself again. I need to find myself again. I know that I am going to walk away from him and someday I will get better, but I just want him to stay gone long enough for me to get there. I need a husband detox.

ShootingStar1

I know that I am going to walk away from him and someday I will get better, but I just want him to stay gone long enough for me to get there. I need a husband detox.

You have all this in your power to accomplish right now.

No one can control anyone else's behavior; you haven't so far, and you won't be able to "make him stay gone". What you can do, right now, is make YOU stay gone.

The first step is to start to understand what YOU deserve. Make a list of what a happy carefree productive loving life would include for you.

Don't do it in the context of what he can, can't, might, might not provide for you.

Make this list by yourself, for yourself. Forget him as you do it.

After you make your own list, you can look at whether his past pattern of behavior gets you anything you need on your list. Don't imagine his future or potential behavior; look just at what he has done so far.

Once you've done that, then when a new situation comes up with him, think of it in terms of your list of what will make you healthy and happy. From his past behavior, I'd imagine that few if any scenarios with him will enrich your life.

This is where people go "no contact". You have to live with the void of not having him and not having his chaos and emotional clutter and fill your life, and that can be scary and initially feel empty. But it lets YOU emerge without being filtered through HIS bad behavior. And that is where you start to find out who you are again and who you want to be.

So many of us understand far too deeply where you are, and that's the bad news. The good news is that many of us have sucked it up and gone through partner/spouse/friend withdrawal and come out of it much much happier.

There is a great book called The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships that I found really helpful. It sorts out why we keep going back to someone we know is destructive to us and for us. You can get free. You might want to read the sticky at the top of the Friends and Families Forum: What is abuse.

Keep posting, you're sorting it through piece by piece and that's real progress.

ShootingStar1