Miller05

my in-laws are pretty toxic.....my husband had not really been close to them...but they are family...so they are in his life. they have always...since the very beginning have caused problems in my marriage...a lot of it not kept in check by my husband.....they had a lot of issues before i came along, you know?

i suspect that they knew about his addictions as well...and it was sort of like a secret...i think they were in denial...like me.

anyway, i wanted to ask you guys if it is their business to know what is going on now? they have betrayed me in every way possible...and in my opinion are "not friends of the marriage." i want nothing to do with them.

but i dont think that he has communicated to them about his completion of rehab, and what that entailed...or exactly what the addictions are (coke/alcohol). i get the impression that they "dont know everything".

why wouldnt he just want to be honest with them and tell them he truth....that he does in fact have a coke/alcohol problem and is getting help?

i get the feeling that he is too embarrassed or ashamed...but it is his family...it seems like they would be happy he is getting help.

i dont know...the issues in that family run long and deep....so i am sure he has his reasons right?

so, basically....you guys, should i just stay out of it?

Maylie

Everyone's experience with addiction/recovery and family is different. What works for one person will not work for another and only the addict knows the appropriate way to handle his or her addiction and what to tell his or her family.

It is completely up to him whether he tells them about his addictions or not. Whether you think that he should tell his family is irrelevant. I am sure that he has his reasons for why he hasn't told them and it would be extremely out of line for you to take it upon yourself to inform his family.

Although many family members feel that they know what is best when it comes to the addict's addiction and recovery, that just isn't true. I know you mean well and that you think that communication is important, but it is up to him and him only whether he tells his family about what is going on.

The farthest I would go with this talking to him about whether he thinks his family should know or not and seeing if he wants to share his reasoning on why he might want to withhold the information from his family. Other than that, it is just not your place to inform his family about any of this.

(I hope my response doesn't come off rude or nasty since that was not my intention.)

crazybabie

I agree with Maylie, this IMO is one of those situations where the saying "Stay on your side of the street" fits.

shockozulu

Yes. There are reasons he may not tell them. Perhaps they will use it against him? We don't know what goes on in an addicts head.

miamifella

You already said that they are toxic and have not been "friends of the marriage." You say that they have caused you a lot of problems.

So why would he say anything to them?

Not to get all Dr. Laura on you, but based on what you say about your in-laws, I would expect that both of you should be limiting communication with them on any subject as much as possible.

As you describe it, there is nothing that they do to enrich your life together. Would you tolerate this behavior from anyone who was not family?

Recovery is tough on the spouse as well as the addict/alcoholic. You both will be searching for new ways to deal with life. So don't embrace anything or anyone who is a destructive force--that only makes it harder. From your description, your husband is doing something positive and new for him.

My best wishes go out to you and your husband.

AnvilheadII

when in doubt, we should check our own motives.

LDT

^^^^ This!! .... I can't ditto miamifella enough times!!

Miller05

you guys are the BEST...and no...i didnt think anyone was being rude or mean...just honest and i appreciate that!! thank you.

i am GOING TO STAY IN MY LANE! he can deal with his family on his own...and tell them whatever he wants. it is not my place.

whenever we start to get involved with them...it almost always turns into a disaster down the line in some way...we dont need ANY additional drama.


and i asked myself..."what is my motive for wanting to do this?" that is something i am thinking about. deep down...it has always hurt me that they never really liked me....it has been hard. and a lot of issues we had with his family have been i am sure due to some additction issues....especially with the lies. in some way, i felt if they knew the "truth" then they wouldnt blame it all on me...which they do.

EverHopeful721

Don't kid yourself. My in-laws hated me on sight from day 1, and over the course of 19 years, nothing I tried to do ever changed it. If they don't like you, that's THEIR problem, and chances are, even if they found out about your husband's problem, they STILL wouldn't like you and in fact, would find some way to turn it all around on you and make it YOUR fault anyway!! They'd say it's because you're not being a good wife, you don't love him enough to make him want to stop, blah, blah, blah. And YOU know that NONE of that is true, so don't worry about giving them one more thing to torture and hurt you with.

LoveMeNow

Hmmmm....I just hate it when it's everyone's fault, all the time!!

I found it much easier to let go of anger and find forgiveness and happiness when I started taking responsibility for own actions.

Lashing out is never ok, especially when we are triggered. No matter how it is done or under what guise, emotional immaturity is always the route cause.

Miller05

yeah....again...i agree with you all. i will leave them alone. i am sure my husband has his own personal reasons for what he is or is not going to share with his family about his addiction. i cant control that situation...and i just need to stay out of it.

from what i have read on this site, it seems like a lot of these addiction issues go way back....and often times are directly connected to the family of orgin.

if my husband decides that he doesnt want his family to know the specific details of his addcition......or even if he is in recovery......there is a reason for it and it must be a big enough one for him to keep his distance from them on the subject.

and you are right....me discussing this with them will not make them "understand" that it was "not my fault" or anything like that.....no.....it will only make it worse...and they will blame me for sure.

zoso77

So if you've never gotten along with your in-laws, then why open up a new front on such a hot button issue like his addiction?

I'd stay away from that one, but that's just me.

LoveMeNow

I have to disagree with this statement. IMO, blaming parents only takes responsibility of the choices of grown adults.

story74

I would totally stay out of it. It sounds like he has a lot of issues to work out with them...which I am sure will be part of his recovery.

hang in there!

LoveMeNow

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