living without an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: england
Posts: 1
living without an alcoholic
he is the alcoholic and he is in the wrong when he is nasty and controlling yet he makes me feel guilty about asking him to leave, now he has gone i feel lost and empty because i spent 3 years with him and every minute of every day was about his drinking. babysitting him during the day to stop him doing anything silly. sitting up all night listening for when he would stop breathing so i could nudge him to breathe. all he says now when he is sober for 5 mins is that he is very unhappy and he misses me and he wants to come home a minute later he takes his first sip of white cider and immediately he is bolshy jack the lad crude couldnt care less attitude. why do i miss that how can i stop loving him when can i have my own thoughts and get my life back on track. how do i stop being addicted to him and his abuse. help me please :
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I'm glad you're here but sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
I know it's hard - it happened to me too. Being involved with someone who treated me very badly but still missing him after he was gone. Didn't make sense at all, but I'd been madly in love with this guy and it was hard to break up.
Don't look at it as not loving him but as trying to love yourself like you deserve.
No one deserves abuse of any kind - no one.
I've been where you are and tho it was hard at first, in time my feelings changed and I'm truly glad he's out of my life.
You can do this. Do what's best for you. You deserve it!
I know it's hard - it happened to me too. Being involved with someone who treated me very badly but still missing him after he was gone. Didn't make sense at all, but I'd been madly in love with this guy and it was hard to break up.Don't look at it as not loving him but as trying to love yourself like you deserve.
No one deserves abuse of any kind - no one. I've been where you are and tho it was hard at first, in time my feelings changed and I'm truly glad he's out of my life.You can do this. Do what's best for you. You deserve it!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello and Welcome!
Oh, I am sorry to hear about all you have been through. I know...we all know how sad it is to see someone we love be so very self-destructive! My stepson is an alcoholic and crack addict.
I wish I could tell you that there is a sure fire way to get someone to stop drinking, but there isn't. He has to want to stop, and it sounds like he's not ready yet.
I hope you will take a moment and read this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html
You do not deserve to be on the receiving end of abuse--drunk or not. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but his leaving you may be the very best thing that could have happened. For your own health, safety, and ultimate happiness. Please make yourself at home here. I am glad you found us!
Oh, I am sorry to hear about all you have been through. I know...we all know how sad it is to see someone we love be so very self-destructive! My stepson is an alcoholic and crack addict.
I wish I could tell you that there is a sure fire way to get someone to stop drinking, but there isn't. He has to want to stop, and it sounds like he's not ready yet.
I hope you will take a moment and read this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html
You do not deserve to be on the receiving end of abuse--drunk or not. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but his leaving you may be the very best thing that could have happened. For your own health, safety, and ultimate happiness. Please make yourself at home here. I am glad you found us!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
It takes time but we can learn how to live our own lives and learn how to love ourselves rather than being dependent on them for our happiness.
he is the alcoholic and he is in the wrong when he is nasty and controlling yet he makes me feel guilty about asking him to leave, now he has gone i feel lost and empty because i spent 3 years with him and every minute of every day was about his drinking. babysitting him during the day to stop him doing anything silly. sitting up all night listening for when he would stop breathing so i could nudge him to breathe. all he says now when he is sober for 5 mins is that he is very unhappy and he misses me and he wants to come home a minute later he takes his first sip of white cider and immediately he is bolshy jack the lad crude couldnt care less attitude. why do i miss that how can i stop loving him when can i have my own thoughts and get my life back on track. how do i stop being addicted to him and his abuse. help me please :
Originally Posted by ukvictimfemale 
he is the alcoholic and he is in the wrong when he is nasty and controlling yet he makes me feel guilty about asking him to leave, now he has gone i feel lost and empty because i spent 3 years with him and every minute of every day was about his drinking. babysitting him during the day to stop him doing anything silly. sitting up all night listening for when he would stop breathing so i could nudge him to breathe. all he says now when he is sober for 5 mins is that he is very unhappy and he misses me and he wants to come home a minute later he takes his first sip of white cider and immediately he is bolshy jack the lad crude couldnt care less attitude. why do i miss that how can i stop loving him when can i have my own thoughts and get my life back on track. how do i stop being addicted to him and his abuse. help me please :Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Continue here at SR reading and posting.
Seek out Alanon/AFG locally. Maybe meet up with a member before a meeting.
hydrogirl's link is great:
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (What abuse is)
Also read the sticky notes to the friends and family forum
Best to you...you are doing well
Seek out Alanon/AFG locally. Maybe meet up with a member before a meeting.
hydrogirl's link is great:
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (What abuse is)
Also read the sticky notes to the friends and family forum
Best to you...you are doing well
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You've been in an unhealthy alcoholic relationship for 3 years. We become as sick as they are when we are enmeshed in their disease. It's not something that heals the minute they're out the door. It takes time for us to heal ourselves, to grow and find a new peace. So be gentle with yourself right now. Him being out is a blessing, don't let him back in. The A will sweet talk, cajole, guilt, manipulate in all kinds of ways to get us back into their webs. It's what they do. But you don't have to be pulled back in.
Are you going to AlAnon? I would strongly encourage you to find a meeting. That first meeting is hard for all of us, but once you walk in the door you feel universal acceptance. It's advised that you attend 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. And, if there are different groups near you, try a few different meetings. Each one has its own personality. I attended 3 groups before I found the right "fit" for me. I promise you will find support and serenity there. Read the post by TheChef today about attending his first AlAnon meeting.
You will get past this, and you will look back and be glad you did the work to get healthy.
Are you going to AlAnon? I would strongly encourage you to find a meeting. That first meeting is hard for all of us, but once you walk in the door you feel universal acceptance. It's advised that you attend 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. And, if there are different groups near you, try a few different meetings. Each one has its own personality. I attended 3 groups before I found the right "fit" for me. I promise you will find support and serenity there. Read the post by TheChef today about attending his first AlAnon meeting.
You will get past this, and you will look back and be glad you did the work to get healthy.
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