Faithlove

I don't want to make the same mistakes I made in the past. Advice is appreciated.

Over the last year, I've moved out of my house twice (once this summer and then now) and I've made AH leave the house a few times.....probably 4-5. I can see that he has changed dramatically since we've moved out. He's really, really sweet. However, he still has his moments when he's a complete jerk. I'm ignoring his texts when I don't want to deal with whatever issue he brings up and I call him back on my time. It's nice not to feel pressured to immediately respond to his calls or texts.

The sweetness is familiar. This is how he would lure me back. I'd wish and hope that it would last. I know now that it doesn't. It's going to take a lot more consistentcy than one week or two of being nice.

The jerk-ness really frustrates me! Really, really frustrates me! I've been nothing but nice to him (other than moving out w/ our kids). I don't keep the kids from him, but I am insisting on him being supervised. He sees them daily. I'm not cheating on him; I just left. He knows I'm tired of his addiction. But, sometimes, he still throws tantrums and I think it ridiculous that he acts like that and expects me to condone it because "he's hurt." I call him out when he twists my words. I'm getting better at saying "no" when he crosses my boundaries.

He wants me (and the kids) back. He said he'll do anything. But then he says, he's doing the best he's ever done. And I am just flabbergasted when he says that. Does he really think he's doing well? He's on methadone. He's addicted to it. Yes, it has probably kept him off of the pills (although I have some doubts) and yes, it has likely saved his life. But, just weeks ago, he was still a continous pot-smoker. He goes to meetings at the MMTC. He doesn't go to NA, nor does he work any of the steps.

Here are my problems:
1. Do I give him "the list" of what it would take for me to go back to him? I really want him to work on himself and his addiction, not just check off some list I gave him. I want him to restore his relationship with God. I want him to take responsibility for the items he stole and attempt to make amends with the people he stole from. I want him to realize the damage he's done to our family and marriage, and to own it. I want him to be clean and sober from everything for months and months, without relapsing. I want him to work on himself through a program, counseling, and addressing his depression issues. I want him to stop lying and stealing too.

2. When he asks me if there is hope for us, do I tell him the truth? I honestly don't know. I don't know if he's able to do all of this. I think this list reflects someone in recovery though. Not only do I not know, I doubt it. I have faith that God will take care of my kids and me. I have faith that God can perform a miracle on my AH. I have NO HOPE in that miracle happening.

3. When he and his family ask why I've done this (move out), should I tell them the truth? I just don't think it will matter anyway. They think he's doing well. I see him fall asleep at the dinner table. They think methadone is for an addict like insulin is for a diabetic. I know it's still an opiate.

I don't want to feel guilty about leaving him, or "deserting him," as he calls it. I do though. I've already entertained the idea of giving him back some of the money he's going to have to pay for child support. That's just silly!!!

I hate that his family is cold to me now. I'm mad that if I were one of their daughters, they would have had me out of that house years ago with a restraining order against him. It's infuriating that they expect me and my kids to put up with all this nonsense, but there's no way they'd let their daughters go through all of this with their husbands.

I just want to lash out at him and at them!!!! But, I won't. I will continue to be cordial. At the moment, I am also continuing to let him see me and the kids each day. I know in my heart, that his niceness won't last though. Once he realizes that I'm really not coming back, it's not going to be pretty.

AnvilheadII

I really want him to work on himself and his addiction, not just check off some list I gave him. I want him to restore his relationship with God. I want him to take responsibility for the items he stole and attempt to make amends with the people he stole from. I want him to realize the damage he's done to our family and marriage, and to own it. I want him to be clean and sober from everything for months and months, without relapsing. I want him to work on himself through a program, counseling, and addressing his depression issues. I want him to stop lying and stealing too.

and In REALITY the chances of ALL THAT happening are......? it sounds like you want him to be somebody else, somebody he has not been and somebody he seems ON HIS OWN to have NO desire in being.

sweet isn't enough really, is it? not when it's alternated by accusations and demands?

horriblethisis

FAITHLOVE - Remember what you wrote in your last post..."Now that I've gotten a taste of this FREEDOM and PEACE, I can't imagine going back"...your mind was in a better place that day, and you need to get back to that mindset.
Don't answer his texts. It seems like no contact would be best for you right now. It's up to him to work through his recovery, and it's up to you to work through yours. You have the right to be happy in this life, if you continue with him as he is now...you will spiral right down with him. Do you want that for yourself? Do you want to continue to live in a life of questions, lies, mistrust. "Sweetness" is certainly nice, but don't you want the "whole package"? Don't you deserve that?
1. Why would you give him a "list"...if he can't figure it out on his own, that is NOT your problem to be concerned with.
2. Hope - that is simply not a question you can answer for him right now. His actions need to show you something first, and that is not going to happen overnight.
3. Your relationship with him and the problems you have endured are your own, his family is not in that equation. His family has a separate relationship with him, and you do not owe them any justification on why you are doing what you are doing...unless you want to tell them "you need your own recovery now", and you deserve to work on you, away from all the chaos.
DO NOT give him back any money he has given you for child support - Yes, that is SILLY...you will be kicking yourself in the butt, if you do that! Don't make let him make you feel bad - he is manipulating you!
His family is cold to you? Excuse me, but it seems that they don't deserve to be in your presence! However, they are just trying to protect him...let them...but keep your distance from them. They do not understand the situation you are in, and again...you do not need to keep justifying your actions to them.
Good luck...hugs to you.

GardenMama

Just noticed that you changed your picture from one of Snow White eating a poisonous apple to that of a tree full of blossoms. You already have the answer to your question. Which image do you prefer for your future? Which most represents what you envision for yourself and your boys? What can you do for YOURSELF to make the situation bearable, most supportive, peaceful & serene?

Let him decide what he is or is not willing to do for his own recovery. You have time on your side. Keep doing what you are doing for your own recovery and things will sort themselves out. Keep the faith, Faithlove.

Faithlove

@ AnvilHead- I don't really believe that he will do all of those things. But, I also know that God can perform miracles. I wish my AH would be that person. Maybe you're right. Maybe that's not even a person he can be. That is who I thought I married though, so I guess I feel cheated. And the problem is, even if he did manage to accomplish all of that, I still don't know if it would be "enough." I'd still be wary of going back to him because I'd be waiting in anticipation for his next relapse. The odds just aren't good for a recovering addict. But, at this point, I'm not ready to completely let go of him. I'm still waiting for God's miracle......just waiting at my own apartment.

@horriblethisis- His sweetness is still mixed with his occassional tantrums. The kids and I saw him this morning (long story) and after being around him when things were not going exactly as planned (so I got to listen to him gripe), it took me a while to calm back down. He gets me so anxious and tense. I hate it! I could tell that it was having a negative effect on the kids as well.
I do want "the whole package." For the last few nights I've had dreams about me marrying other men. Some are ex-boyfriends from my past, some are complete strangers. Not that I want to jump into a relationship or even dating right now. I couldn't. I'm still waiting for God to work a miracle on my AH. However, I'm open to the fact that God might be ok with me eventually moving on from my AH.

@GardenMama- Thanks for noticing that I changed my picture! I guess I really hadn't thought about relating the two pictures to my life until you brought it up. When I was wiht my AH, it was like I was eating poison and now that we're apart, my life is full of hope and serenity and happiness. My AH sucks the joy out of me.

Today I went shopping! Among other things (that I bought for myself, which I rarely do), I bought a pretty hat to wear to the horse races. I'm so excited to go and enjoy that day!!!!