Grecia

Hello, I'm Grecia. This is my first time posting and I'm not really sure about what is it that I'm looking for, but I know I need to vent, and I don't have anyone around to hear me. At least, no one who would understand like I'm sure people would understand here.
I met him three years ago, I knew he wasn't the "normal" kind of guy from the very first time I saw him, and that really intrigued me. We went out with some friends and by the time he showed up he was already drunk. It was a Saturday night, so I didn't think it was weird. Time passed, we became friends and he told me he was an alcoholic. I listened to him but didn't really comprehend what he meant, since I had only seen him drunk that one time during the 4 months that I knew him, and we talked all the time.
He was going to AA meetings, and he said he started going when we first met, and that he felt very well around me, and didnt have the desire to drink anymore, that I made him feel calmed. We started a relashionship, and about half a year into it he started smoking weed. He had previously told me that weed had never been a problem for him, and I'm the kind of girl who had never done any drugs other than alcohol, so I was naive and trusted him.
A couple of months passed and he became a different person, he would spend his whole day in his bedroom smoking day and night, and stopped going to meetings. I had enough and told him so. He stopped smoking without saying more, and went back to the meetings. A year passed and he started smoking again, I caught him and told him to stop, he did. A few months later we got engaged, and happier as never before.
But then a tragedy happened in his family a couple of months ago and he had a relapse. When this happened I was out of town, and came back a week later. I knew he was drinking but we never talked about it while I was away. I thought I was going to find him in a very bad shape, but I didn't. He was clean and neat by the time I was back. He never stopped going to meetings, and was ready to try again. I didnt have to ask him anything, he explained everything that happened while i was gone all by himself. But then, two weeks later he had another relapse, and I got very scared. He wouldn't talked about it, he would just say that he loves me and will keep trying. A week later, another relapse, and the same thing. Then, I came over to his house yesterday and found him in the yard smoking. He said he got the weed a day before from his friend. Oh God, his friend. The person that turned his back against him when we first started dating because he wanted to get clean, the person who has always been around every time he has had a drinking or smoking relapse. The friend that is always telling him to just stop lying to himself and go back to his old life. I've been very patient about this friend, because my fiancé has told me that he was the only person that gave him a hand when he was in his worse, the only person that helped him when his parents kicked him out.
But I just had enough of him! So I told him I didnt care if he had something to do with his relapses, but i wanted him out of our lives for good, and he immediately agreed. I thought this was going to bring a huge fight like it had in past, but it didn't. I asked him why did he agreed so fast? And he held my hand and say he did because he loves me and didnt want to lose me.
All his co-workers spend their time telling me how hard he's working to put money together for our wedding, all the extra shifts he's getting, and how happy he is. I know he really loves me, and I love him infinitely too. But I'm very scared, because he has been having so many relapses lately, since we got engaged, since this thing happened in his family. I just don't know what to do, some times I feel like maybe he just thinks that since we're engaged alrdy I won't leave him, so he doesn't have to try that hard anymore. But then, I see how much he's trying and that this is a disease that we're gonna have to live with for the rest of our lives, and I know it will always be hard, but I also know that I'm willing to try, because he's worth it. I'm just afraid that he will ever stop trying, and our love will end. My uncle, who was a second father for me died because of this disease, and even though that happened 4 years ago, I haven't get over it, and I don't want the same end for us, I could not bear to go through the same thing again, it had been the worse part of my past.
Now I'm holding the marriage application to church, which I was going to submit the day he had the relapse so I didn't, and I just keep looking at it, without knowing what to do.

stella27

what kind of life do you want to have?

DG0409

Why not talk to him about your concerns?

I don't think you should get married unless you feel certain about it. You could always give it some more time to see how things go before you get married.

LexieCat

I wouldn't get married until he has been SOLIDLY sober (no relapses, no smoking weed) for at LEAST a year. He seems to have some desire to get sober, but some people never really make it, and life with an active alcoholic can be hellish. And extricating yourself from a marriage is much more difficult than postponing a wedding. And you CERTAINLY don't want to think about bringing children into a marriage with active alcoholism.

I suggest you get to Al-Anon. And I also suggest you tell your fiancé that continuous sobriety is the only circumstance under which you will commit to a marriage.

wicked

You are aware of what happens to those of us who continue to drink.
You are still grieving over your uncle.

What are you worth?
There is nothing noble about sacrificing your life for someone who does not care about his own.
One year completely sober at least.

What other people say is pointless. Are they planning on marrying him?
Watch his actions.

Please go to AlAnon and work your program like you wish he would.
Work it like your life depends on it.

Beth

Grecia

Thanks so much to everyone for your reply. I talked to him and set my cards on the table. Our wedding date is a year from now, and I told him I will not submit the marriage application until I feel certain and comfortable again, even if that means delaying the wedding or canceling it at all.
I kept it simple, and said his actions will speak more than his words, and that he had to be clean in order for us to get married.
I don't want an excruciating life next to an active alcoholic, I know I am worth more than that, and I won't bring children to a world where I can't offer them what they deserve.
I believe a year of complete sobriety is an excellent idea, and also it will help myself to heal and look for help as well.
I spent a great amount of time last night reading about alanon and I'll be going this week and working on it like my life depends on it because it does.
Time will give me the answers, and it will help me choose the right decision.

wicked

Grecia,

Wow! Excellent!

You can do it. Awareness and action.

AnvilheadII

But then, I see how much he's trying and that this is a disease that we're gonna have to live with for the rest of our lives, and I know it will always be hard, but I also know that I'm willing to try, because he's worth it. I'm just afraid that he will ever stop trying, and our love will end.

please think HARD about this statement. from what you've shared, i'm not seeing that he is trying THAT hard and it concerns me that you already consider HIS addiction YOUR problem. YOU are obviously willing...him? maybe not so much. you don't marry someone's potential, you marry who THEY ARE on the day you make that formal commitment. he was smoking pot yesterday.

grecia, he was drunk the first night. time after time in the past three years, he has returned to a state of using. you coming into his life didn't FIX it....you two getting engaged didn't FIX it....you know you do not want to live with active addiction and yet you are engaged to an active addict. please think about that.

BoxinRotz

What about you? Are you worth it? Are you up for the alcohell?

Grecia

I know this is a progressive disease that will only worsen if not treated, but when I said that I see him trying hard, I meant before this last month of relapses. I'd seen him working the program, and fighting for his life. I don't get involved with his recovery unless it is him who wants to talk about it, since I don't want to stop living my life to live his. What is been happening this past month is what makes me think he's not trying half as hard as he used to, and that is what scares the hell out me. But I'm willing to try if he gets clean, for all the good times, which have been way more than the bad ones.
I know I am worth a lot, and he knows it too. He's a great, loving, and caring person, who has never mistreated me in any possible way, even during his bad times. I like to think this is because he knows how much I'm worth, and I know it too, so I hope that reminds him of how hard he has to keep fighting because it will break my soul to leave him, but it will be worse if I stay.

jmartin

As someone who has lived with a "tryer" for ten years now, I know after a while it became difficult for me to see it that way. The constant relapses were always blamed on some stress or other (job, family, just plain life) and while I wanted to understand, after a while it was come on, this cannot be the response to any speed bump one hits in life! She was in AA, attending weekly or more, yet could not seem to stop, though she was "trying", and after each relapse she would tearfully promise that this was it, she knew this could not continue, and she would really really really try harder.

Over ten years, the constant threat of relapse, never knowing what i would come home to, became a bigger and bigger burden for me to carry, and it was very toxic to our marriage. As I became less willing to tolerate the relapses, and told her so, she stepped up the lying and attempts to conceal her usage. It was a relentless slow spiral into misery for both of us.

I finally made some progress myself (mostly by reading books and this site, and going to some Alanon meetings), and she is currently in treatment, but I don't know whether this will be enough for us to revive our marriage, even if she never uses again.

All I can say is the Alanon people have it right. You did not cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. Feeling sympathy and seeing their good qualities are kindnesses, but the A in my life was very successful in exploiting all of my human kindness and sucking much of the life force out of me. All my kindness, sympathy, and commitment to my marriage were but nothing compared to the power of addiction to destroy.