outonalimb

I posted the other day about how I had given it alot of thought and prayer and decided that I didn't want to go to exah's sentencing for his aggravated stalking (of me) conviction.

I really just wanted to leave my exah in the hands of the judicial system. I just want to move on from this nightmare.

But after discussing this matter with several people who's opinion I respect (includnig the prosecutor handling my case), I realize that I really do have to go. And I'm just so upset. I'm feeling so emotional. And I just don't know why.

Because I'm asking that a no contact provision be in place as to both myself and our son, there is a potential issue with the court ordering him to have no contact with his minor son. There is a strange intersection of our divorce case and judgment of divorce and this sentence and so I really have to be there to make sure the court understands how important it is that the no contact provision apply to both me and our son. A no contact just as to me that doesn't include our son would be meaningless because he could always contact me under the guise of contacting or inquiring about our son and the whole nightmare would just continue on and on and on. I can't allow this to happen.

So I have to go.

And I"m just a wreck all over again. I really don't know why. I just feel so incredibly sad that it has all come to this. I feel embarassed and I don't understand why. My heart is heavy. I dread having to listen to his jack*** attorney. I dread having to listen to whatever my exah has to say. If he minimizes the hell he put me and our son thru, that will be difficult to listen to. If he apologizes, it will likely be a hollow apology but it will probably make me feel really sad anyway. Somewhere underneath his addiction and mental illness is a man I loved very much at one time. Or is that man completely gone? I just don't know.

Why am I such a wreck?
Why is this so hard?
I thought I was so damn strong but suddenly I feel very weak.
I could really use some encouragement....and any insight you might have as to why I am such a freakin' emotional mess over this...

BlueSkies1

What are you guilty of here? Having loved?
You could start with not beating yourself up for having loved another person on this earth, troubled as he may now be.
You loved him. Things changed. It's ok that you loved him. It's ok to love him from a very far distance now, or stop actively loving him too!
Yes, you can't get away from this court appearance. Grr...some things we have to grin and bear. You'll be ok. Maybe when you walk out of the courthouse, no matter the outcome, you take in the fresh breeze and say to yourself I am almost free....

MamaKit

(((((Mary)))))
OK, deep breaths.
You've shown yourself and us that you can do this. From my point of view, you've already done the worst of it.
Just take it one 30-minute interval at a time. You can do anything for 30 minutes. When each interval ends, congratulate yourself for getting through it.

I understand that weak feeling. But YOU are not weak. You are having a weak moment. You are letting yourself feel the awfulness that is this event. That's a good thing as far as I am concerned! You are processing it and will be able to work through it.

Mary, we put a lot on you - holding you up as a our strong example to follow. (I'm hoping SR family members don't mind me speaking for them .....) Just know that we are here to hold you up when you are that shining example for us and we are also here to lift you up when you need us.

It's an uncomfortable and yucky thing you will have to do. But it won't last forever and you will get through it. We are all right there with you!!!

Love,
MamaKit

dandylion

Dear outonalimb, I don't know a living human who would relish what you have to do!!

Take it easy on yourself (no critical self-talk). You have shown great courage "under fire".
You are a great example of how a person can have fear and act courageously simultaneously.

Yes, listen to MamaKit. Lean on us for a while. Vent away if you need to.

sincerely, dandylion

laurie6781

(((((Mary)))))

This will be no different than the last time. If you have to testify, you look out into those rows and rows of chairs for spectators and see them filled with US. And while sitting there waiting to testify you feel US totally surrounding you.

Of course, you might feel guilty and definitely sad. This is where the man you loved is now and it is very sad to see it happening in real time. However, please remember you did NOT 'do this to him'. His own actions did this and this is just the consequence.

You will get through this, and we will be there with you!!!!

Love and hugs,

CodeNameGiggles

Is there a victim's advocate available to you through the court system? Ask if you don't have one. Since it's a criminal case, it's likely you can use either one through the District/State attorney or through the police office depending on how the criminal justice system is set up in your area.

They can go with you for support through the hearing.

Florence

Seconded!

Let the truth prop you up. This is a time to trust yourself and trust your higher power to guide you.
(((((((((MARY))))))))))

AnvilheadII

how bizarre is our "system" when the "victim" in a stalking case has to APPEAR in the court regarding the decision of the perpetrator's sentencing and determination regarding a NO CONTACT order. i mean, wth???

Jazzman

Unfortunately he has given you no option but to treat him as the man he is. You're doing the right thing by yourself and your son.

outonalimb

There are so many reasons why this is hard.

It's a difficult situation all by itself but to make matters worse, I work in the courthouse where this sentencing will take place. I've worked here for 20 years. Up until now, I've managed to keep my 'personal' life personal. This whole process has forced me to lay my personal life to bare...warts and all. I feel like the curtain has been pulled back and my personal struggles and my mistakes are now in full view. I never signed up to be a poster child for the consequences of codependent behavior. This sentencing will take place during a normal criminal call so the courtroom will be packed with lots of attorneys anc cops that I know and work with on a daily basis.

So my pride is hurt on top of everything else. I know I shouldn't be ashamed. I know I'm the victim here. I'm just mad that I had to sacrifice my privacy at work in order to get some help. And yet, who do I direct my anger at? My exah, a sick man? No. The system? No. The universe? I don't know.

Maybe my thinking is all out of whack. In fact, I'm sure it is. My emotions are running amok.

Anyway, I really and truly appreciate all of your support. You have all helped me so much through this process. I know I'm going to be okay in the end. It's just been such a long road, ya know?

SparkleKitty

Mary, I am so sorry this has thrown you and you are feeling upside-down.

I know we have never met in person, and that I only know you from what you have shared here on F&F, but from that I can say with absolute certainty:

You have this in you.

Sending you strength, courage, and hugs.

FireSprite

SO nicely said, I have to second it!

I have no experience to share but I wanted to chime in with some positive thoughts & ((((hugs)))).... I don't blame you for being frustrated & even angry at the way this is working out. Keep venting & get it all out so you can go back to being calm & collected by the time your court date arrives.

dandylion

Dear outonalimb, I know you never wanted to become a "poster child" and have your personal life exposed in the workplace....Gee, I can only imagine the stress that this has been for you. But, you know, at lease you will not have the burden of having to hide so many "secrets" as some people feel compelled to do---maybe, in some way you will feel the freedom of nothing to hide--just being your authentic self. Actually, I suspect you will have the secret compassion and admiration of many of the workers who will respect your strength.

Later--down the road--when you write this in your book--all the pieces will fall into place better than they do, right now.

sincerely, dandylion

BlueSkies1

I know what I would think if I worked in a courthouse, or was a police officer, and witnessed someone in your shoes standing before the court on that day-
Wow, what a brave and courageous woman.

Florence

What I have discovered is that most bystanders are curious because they care and they wish everyone well. My experience is that the people I have told about my situation want what is best for me, but also feel sorry for, or feel compassion for, my AH and his troubles. I think that's appropriate.

Just remember, you don't have to justify, argue, defend, or explain your involvement in this situation to your coworkers. His acts are not yours. His problems are not yours. You are not in the wrong. If someone judges your involvement in this, shame on them. It's not their business any more than it's your business what they think. There are SO MANY people out there who have been touched by addiction. They get it, they know. Please take comfort knowing you are not alone.

outonalimb

You are all so kind. I wish I could hug each of you in person. Thanks for propping me up today. Your kind words of encouragment have helped me more than you know.

Hugs...big, big, heart-felt hugs...

Mary

theuncertainty

Hugs, Outonalimb.

I second Laurie's suggestion of seeing US in the courtroom lending you support. And add: Do you have a friend that could go and be a physical presence of support for you?

During the divorce hearing, neither my sister or mother were in town, Dad was sick, and the thought of sitting in the courtroom, for what was the first time in a very long time I'd been in a closed room with AXH, was terrifying. I was scared of him, of having to talk about what he put DS and I through. A very dear friend, when she learned my family couldn't be there, took the day off from work to go with me and she told me that when the questions got hard to talk about to strangers to look at her and tell her the answers. It was still hard, even though the judge was able to take my written affidavit as testimony, so I didn't have to talk about most of it, but having her there to talk to made it less hard.

BlueSkies1

I love Laurie's suggestion, and uncertainty's to bring a trusted someone with you.

I'll be there in spirit--with pompoms!

LexieCat

Hey, Mary,

I think a large part of the reason you're having this reaction now is that you had worked it all through and decided it was in your best interest not to go. You made peace with that, were feeling (rightly) proud of yourself for working it all through.

Now, it feels like you've been completely thrown off-balance and have to do a 180 and work on feeling OK with the course you had rejected. I get it, believe me! You go through all this angst, feel like it's decided, and bam! you have to go through all that emotion all over again.

I think--no, I KNOW that you can do this. You would prefer not to, but you now have a good reason for going to court and speaking. It very well may be that the judge would grant the no-contact provision even without your appearance, but you certainly don't want the wrong outcome and to feel that maybe if you had appeared it would have worked out differently.

Remember how calm you felt when you testified at the preliminary hearing? You were afraid before that how you would react to seeing him in court. But you were just fine. You will be this time, too. The judge should not permit him to say anything to you directly. Maybe you can ask the prosecutor to object if he tries to. He can express his "remorse" to the court without addressing you directly.

This ordeal is almost over. You can do it. You have been incredibly courageous throughout these proceedings. I understand COMPLETELY how it would feel to have to have people you know professionally hear about your private life, but you are a victim of a sick man who hurt you. You aren't responsible, and nobody is going to judge you for it.

Many hugs, and come back for more of those any time you need 'em!

wicked

You ARE strong. That is a fact.

This feeling is temporary. Feelings are not facts.

I would like to go and practice my steely stink eye!

Beth