ChivonYvette

So I haven't been speaking to AH for a while. I guess it really started to bother him because he started trying to have conversations with me any way he could. Tonight he came home early, started playing music and put on a show. Then he said out of nowhere that he found out what he needed to know... Confused, I asked him what he was talking about " He said he could look in my eyes and tell I was cheating on him". At first I was doing really good at the detachment keeping my voice calm and steady and reminding myself that there is no reasoning with an alcoholic. But then he started talking crap about me having a job, placing my money in a seperate account (after he cut off my card to his account, failing to tell me another one was coming in the mail) and how much he's done for me ( I thought that was what marriage was all about) and I got defensive... I am proud of myself that I was able to detach as long as I did. It just sucks to be blamed for EVERYTHING. I just have to remember that taking responsibility is not part of alcoholism, placing blame and making excuses are....

LexieCat

Chivon,

Detachment isn't the same as giving someone the "silent treatment." It just means not engaging with arguments, accusations, etc. You can reply with neutral statements that are not defensive or counter-accusatory.

Ordinary conversations are OK--you would feel bad if he was giving YOU the silent treatment. Having ordinary conversations are different from engaging in debates or arguments.

So you kind of had it backwards here--you were ignoring him, but then responded when he provoked an argument.

It takes practice to get this stuff.

dandylion

Yes, Chivon---detachment is tricky to wrap your head around for most of us, at first! One of the main things it can do is to keep you from using all your energy up and getting em broiled in STUPID arguments started by the alcoholic.

Here are a few techniques that I used that helped me a lot:

1) When they are talking smack--picture them with a large "S" on their forehead for the word "sick". Because, really is is the sickness that is talking.

2) When he starts absurd arguments or tries to rile you--calmly ignore it and go to another area of the house or leave to do something else.

3) Always be aware that he is trying to focus on you to keep the focus on him or what he has been doing "wrong". IF YOU TAKE HIS BAIT--HE WINS!

4) Have something simple, handy to say back--like: "I'll get back to you later on this", or "you may have a point--I'll have to think about it", etc........

5)You don't have to attend every argument that you are invited to--remember it is really about HIM and NOT YOU. You are not under any obligation to defend yourself.

Detachment alone, won't mend the relationship--But, it can reduce the fighting and chaos so that you have more room to breathe--to reduce some of the stress in the home.

I hope this helps, some

dandylion

ChivonYvette

Thank you guys! I will keep everything you guys said in mind. I appreciate it all. Right now I'm trying not to think about mending the relationship because then my focus will be thrown completely off. I just want to focus on me getting better and let other things work themselves out.

Hanna

Here supporting you!
It's so good you are making changes. Sometimes we have to try different ways of doing things until we find out what works for us.