abby913

I am a new join. Make a long story short, I started dating someone who is a recovering addict from drugs. Now is currently in jail serving time from a charge 3 years ago and I was recommended to this site for understanding and support.. I have never had a substance abuse issue, and trying to find out how I can help along this journey... thank you.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Abby

I took the liberty of moving your post to our Family and Friends forum. I know you'll find a lot of advice, support and understanding here.

D

Ann

Welcome, Abby, I'm glad you joined us.

Sadly, jail is common for those active in addiction and it gets progressively worse unless they stop. We cannot make them stop, most of us have tried to the point of exhaustion and insanity. If love could save them not one of us would be here. Only they can save themselves, and sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes it takes years, sometimes it never happens.

Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of helpful information.

After reading here a while you will realize what life could be like if you continue a relationship with this man. What you choose to do about that is up to you, but you will be wiser for the journey.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....glad to hear that your loved one is in recovery....yet saddened to hear he is currently incarcerated for his past issues.

The best way that any of us can help the addict in our lives is to concentrate on staying healthy ourselves. If your loved one is in NA or AA, it certainly helps to go to corresponding programs for the loved ones (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon). These programs help us focus on ourselves and also teach us the principles and language that our loved one is learning in their program.

Glad you found us. Feel free to ask questions. Vent. And take a good read around. There's lots of information here and many who understand what it's like to love someone who is or has been addicted.

gentle hugs
ke

abby913

Thank you very much for taking the time to write back, i am a little confused on the site and where things are being posted, etc.
I know that he has to want to change for himself, that is the biggest thing that i know and have heard.
I had to reach out to someone or something ( hence why i started reading about drugs / recovery) because to me. It just didnt make sense. I had to try and understand why even try drugs and get involved with that. I understand that its a "choice" and that we all make mistakes. I know that we are all human in the world just trying to survive.
Any recommended books that you have read? Can i ask about you're stories / struggles / advice?
Thank you.

Vale

"Codependent No More"

.....easy to find------and a treasure trove.

...a buck eighty seven on Amazon.com

(this stuff is scary,you feel all alone....then you turn on the
lights---and see yourself SURROUNDED by those who are/were
affected by the same thing.)

Welcome to SR.

allforcnm

My husband and I had no experience with drugs until he was injured, had to have multiple surgeries, and was put on opiate based pain meds. He used them as prescribed, and then the doctor tried to wean him off. My husband tells me, and I do believe, when he got back to work and was telling a man in his office that he missed the pain meds, the man advised him there was a connection there and he could get whatever he wanted. And so it started. He made the initial choice to use & abuse, but I do not believe he ever intended to become addicted. His behavior started to change and that is what clued me into something being wrong, and then he admitted it to me. He would lie about working late, make excuses to hang out with these new friends from work often until like 3am. Everything was out of character for him. We would argue, he would lie to cover up, and he told me he was happy with what he was doing and didn’t want to stop. But I wasn’t happy living like that, and so we split up fairly quickly. I was under the naïve belief he would get bored and just stop, and come home. I figured it would take a few weeks, a couple months. I had told him before he moved out, to go do his thing and when he was done he could come home and we would see where we stood. He did come home, but it was about a year later, and he was drug sick and in need of detox. His addiction had progressed, and he was also using Xanax (which is a benzo) and cocaine. He did a three month inpatient rehab that was based on private therapy, and then he came home, and continues working with a private therapist for relapse prevention, stress maintenance. He has been clean a year now. We have had to do a lot of work to restore our relationship, lots of ugly stuff happened in that missing year. I also did work with a therapist, and together we spent months in marriage counseling. We also have a little boy who is almost 1.5 years old, and he is very happy to have his daddy back.

This is probably one of the biggest concepts, and I think you’ve got it. He has to want to change, and be willing to work at it. It’s a lot like having the inner desire to lose weight, or graduate college… people can support us, provide resources, offer help to us in various ways, but we are the only one who can really make it happen.

Some people simply fall in with the wrong crowd and can become addicted, but many people actually do use drugs to self medicate their life in some way. You might want to think about this with your boyfriend, if he has talked about when he started, did he grow up in this type of environment, have some sort of trauma in life? Has he worked on any of these issues in his recovery, learned better ways to cope? Or had counseling for trauma?

When my husband was in rehab, his doctors helped me understand addiction from a medical standpoint. It became clear to me that even though he made the initial choice to use, after it started there were changes happening with the function of his brain due to the major fluctuations in chemicals like dopamine. It was no longer a simple choice. I recently started a thread that talks about addiction and how it is considered to be a disease according to resources like the National Institute of Drug Abuse. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-nida.html The thread has several links to websites that explain a lot about addiction. The last post in this thread has a link to a series of YouTube movie clips that explain what happens to the brain “on drugs” NIDA has also partnered with HBO on a project called ‘addiction’, and they have a lot of information available on their website. Here is one link to get you started: HBO: Addiction: Aftercare: What Helps People Stay in Treatment? One of the most important concepts they share is that “Involvement of a family member or significant other in an individual's treatment program can strengthen and extend treatment benefits”. They recommend a book called “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” by Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe. This book was also recommended to me by the therapist from my husband’s rehab. I have read it, and found it to be helpful. It teaches techniques of positive reinforcement, communication skills to initially encourage someone to seek treatment, and then later to help keep them engaged in treatment, and living a sober life. And best of all, it helps you learn how to do it all in a healthy way, respecting your own needs, so your life never becomes unmanageable.

At the top of this forum are posts called stickies. Many are related to codependency issues. Everyone has their own definition of what that means… and we each have to judge for ourselves to see if/how much we are affected. often it applies if you feel like your life has become unmanageable because of someone else’s addiction, you feel like you have lost yourself while looking out for anothers needs, control issues where you feel obligated to save someone else, like you’re their only hope. Feeling like your putting up with unacceptable behavior, but you cant let go of the relationship. There are books to help with this like Women Who love too much, Codependency no more.

Faithlove

Welcome to SR, Abby!!!

Anaya

Welcoming you, also, abby913.

abby913

Thank you for all advice / words/ hugs.
I have read about co-dependecy , this isnt the issue. I am a mom of two kids, working 2 jobs before and currently this was and has been going on. Thank god sometimes we all have walls in some form of way, and mine are harder to break then others.
This is my high school ex over 15 yrs ago, reconnected this past summer and we were both divorced, started hanging out and started dating. He confessed his past with me, that involve a constanly chaotic marriage that last ten years ( both were involved in meth, she drank on top of it and now is addicted to pain pills) and he was already on probation when we started talking.
Little did i know how much was involved in being on probation about the visits, costs, constant talking. All of the drug use, and bad habits were exposed in the beginning. Unfortunately i didnt know about the probation, and not checking in and he got picked up on a warrant, and he has been in jail since the middle of march. I FINALLY got the full story of what he was suppose to be doing but not doing. I was very hurt, i dont understand why someone can tell you how bad the past was, but not to make me aware of recovery and healing process? Forget that he is a man, but being honest about the rehab, and helping is what hurt me the most. I am assuming before he answered that it was embarrassment. I dont get it, but i do. Its like i was cut off at the ankles before i even had the chance to walk. His family were contacting the Probation officer, and no calls. One night out of the blue i called her and we spoke for about 2 hours. She explained to me what his case was about, how after January she had no idea about where he was ( Jan. is when he moved in with me) and she said that she had to do her job and issue the warrant because for all she knew he was back on drugs. I told her that i understand that, and completely respect this. We talked for a bit, and he had a court date coming up later in the week and she told me that she would keep in contact with me.
Apparently violating probation ( obviously) is a big no no. His public defender told him that i dont know who your girlfriend (me) is but she saved you from spending a year in jail. After talking with his probation officer she cut his sentence down ( recommended ) and recommended 4 months in jail with a release in august and probation until april 2014. Which he is very thankful for, and I am to. Since he has been locked up, i have debated with myself if i have enough strength to see this to the end, and what i am risking, and how much i can survive. Before all this happened, i took care of my kids and work and read and clean. This whole situation has brought so many emotions that i feel numb somewhat. I feel that i am lucjy for not having to witness the past ten years of this, and yet i am worried about the future. He calls me from jail, apoligizing for all that has happened, and that he is attending as many SA classes as he can, and that there are things that he is noticing about himself that he needs to changes, old habits, and that he wants a better life for him, for his girls and us. I am knee deep in reading about meth ( his drug of choice) and how bad things can be and get. I have been reading The heart off addiction- which is also very good. How does everyone find the strength to continue on this journey? Everyone seems so amazing, just taking it day by day and healing from then? I am so naive it when it comes to drugs. I thought growing up, my family was weird because my parents divorced when i was so young, and now that i am adult and see others, i think that my life has been pretty quiet.... I dont know. i am rambling. Thanks for listening.

abby913

I also want to add about the co-dependecy issues, i will read more on it. I didnt mean offense about my response back. I have been single for about 2 1/2 years, but i support myself and both my kids.
I think what i am trying to say also, is that when it comes to my children and their well being, i have no issues telling someone they need to leave and get out of our lives.... Because i wont risk what i have worked for, for anyone. Is that mean of me to say? I feel bad for thinking it, but i wouldnt hesitate to do it for myself and my kids. In life we are all responsible for our own happiness, and i fully support helping and being there for someone but i am fully aware with whats at stake with my children and I.
I dont know. Someone help.

Ann

Not everyone here is codependent, some are just going through a crisis and all the craziness stops when they remove themselves from the situation. I really really hope that is the case with you, dear, because if it is not you are in for a very long and bumpy ride...and so are your children.

We rarely tell anyone here whether to stay or go in a relationship. This program is about helping others find their balance again and the courage and strength to make good decisions for themselves.

But if you were my daughter, I'd strongly suggest that you run for the hills as fast as you can. This is a terrible situation for you and your children to connect yourselves to.

Is it mean? Well, he did the crime and is doing the time. You did nothing but are sharing his pain. You cannot save him, if love could save our addicts not one of us would be here. Only he can do that when the time is right for him...and actions tell more than words. When he takes full responsibility for his past, blaming no one but himself, and finds support through meetings or counseling or a clean living house...maybe, just maybe, he might be ready. Until then it is going to continue and right not is just the tip of the "trouble" iceberg. Mean? No, it's not mean, it's the sane thing to do to walk now while you can.

Take a read around and then decide if this is how you want to live your life, how you want to raise your children.

I really hope you find your own strength and courage here, along with support. Whatever you choose to do, please know we are walking with you.

Hugs

Vale

abby913,
I didn't like the label (codependent) either.It was just a nasty episode that
I put an END TO when it became apparent what an unhealthy malevolent
phenomenon I had crossed paths with (addiction).
My only admonition is a general warning as to how completely evil,
cunning,and resourceful an opponent it is.I have always taken pride in my
being able to easily overcome any personal or professional obstacle thrown in
my path.
The only exception being addiction.

(In that case I turn and run)


"........and the wisdom to know the difference!"

AnvilheadII

you reconnected with an old flame last summer...who was ON probation...told you about his very troubled past....you're a single mom with 2 young kids....you move him in January....he violates his probation and goes off to jail...you got involved and called his PO, had a lengthy conversation with her on his behalf...you are later told that you "saved" him....you are now consumed with learning about meth use, the court system, taking calls from jail full of all the "jail speak" and you even hinted that you've lost your focus on YOUR life. HIS problems have become YOUR problems. problems that you did not HAVE before letting him into your life.

instead of being responsible and adhering to the terms of his probation and staying out of jail, upon moving in with you, he intentionally stops and opened up this whole can of worms, knowing FULL WELL the impact that would have on you and your children. if he was working, he certainly isn't now so instead of being a PARTNER he has become a burden. should he be released in august, he would have spent half the time you two have been together IN JAIL.

please think hard about that.

abby913

You're right.... It did become my problems once I let him in.. I understand about co- dependency. I am going to ask a dumb question but are most recovering addicts codependent on people also? I know we can all be to an extent. I have told him numerous times that this is his battle an his battle alone. Don't clean up because you're scared of losing me. I can't clean up this mess for him, he is an adult and has to do it alone. Can someone explain the ego thing with being codependent? I have never heard of this, I understand how someone being an addict and someone in their life being destructive and bad decisions made all around, also I have been in destructive relationships were the damage has Been done, and until you are away from that person you see more clearly how much you guys shouldn't have been together in the first place. I understand that just because I am clean and sober and have never had these issues that just by that, we may not make it. You have to accept things the way they are, and I need to figure out where I want to be in life with myself and my kids and my future.

TabulaRasa81

When I met my future husband I knew he had just detoxed from oxy..though I knew nothing about opiate addiction...I moved him in with me straightway. Flash forward 5 years...2 kids, no job no house....same ****!
Think about it.