dmadeo

My boyfriend of 3 years has relapsed for the 3rd time. Me not being an addict or ever even trying drugs. I no longer can put me and my son in this position anymore. I love him so much and have tried all I could. So I officially ended the relationship on Monday, He has been texting me, blaming me, telling me that if something happens to him that he wants me to know it's my fault, but then saying how much he loves me and does not want to be with anyone else. I know it's his addiction talking and he's just trying to get me back again but i'm having a very hard time dealing with this. I was hoping someone could recommend a book for me? I feel like I just need some guidance on what to do. I'm trying not to blame myself but I feel horrible for ending the relationship when i'm sure he needs me. But I know deep down that he has to want to help himself in order to get better and that there is nothing else I or anybody can do for him. Please Please Please help =(
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least

I think you're doing the right thing in letting him go on his own. He's blaming you cause that's typical addict behavior to blame others for one's own mess. Stick to your guns, you're right and you also have the right to live a peaceful life, which you cannot have with an addict. Your child needs a stable home and living with an addict doesn't qualify as "stable".

I know of a good book. It's called Codependant No More by Melody Beattie. Worth a read.

fantail

Hi dmadeo,

Good for you. I think you made the right choice... The "telling me that if something happens to him... he wants me to know it's my fault" says to me that this guy is not just an addict, he's also emotionally abusive. You shouldn't feel horrible, you did the right thing. And he doesn't need you to save him... you can't. He needs to fix himself. And you gave him plenty of chances to fix it without losing you.

I don't have any book recommendations since I'm on the user side rather than the friends of side, but I found this thread which has many recommendations: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...endations.html

It's on the friends and families of alcoholics forum; there's also this reading from the friends and family of substance abusers forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ers-alike.html

There are a lot of great people over there who will relate to your situation and can share their own.

Welcome to SR

visch1

Welcome and I'm sorry for your pain. I need to remind myself that sometimes I feel the sick should act well, users are sick people and often NEED professional help as well. Years ago a sponsor said I (we) can't get anyone sober or drunk, if we walk away from a 12 step call sober it's a successful call. Set our standards, boundaries and hang on. BE WELL

dmadeo

I downloaded it on my kindle and started reading it last night. Thanks so much for the advice. I really appreciate it =)

Dib42

Sounds like a piece of work.... Good thing you ended it...

I'm pretty confident you know nothing he does is your fault. But just in case, anything he does, he chooses to do, so if something happens to him, its because he's an addict or an idiot... (Could be junky logic or it could just be a whiner who's also a junky)

smacked

He does not need YOU, he needs recovery.. and that is HIS job, it's a solo journey. If he's veiling messages with a suicidal undertone, call the police. Either they will get him the help he needs, or tell him to knock his **** off and stop making threats like that. If he wants recovery, he'll do it with or without you. You are not powerful enough to get him sober OR to make him use. I'm really happy that you saw a way out of it, who knows, maybe he'll get sober and stay that way eventually and become a wonderful person with the new capabilities of loving and living a healthy life, but that moment hasn't come yet.

Dee74

welcome

This is just nonsense. I think its great you're looking after yourself dmadeo.
Hopefully your ex will learn to do this too

dmadeo

Thanks so much guys! I really do appreciate it a lot. I've been reading Co Dependent No More.. and coming on here, and both have made such a difference in such a short time. Still can't help feeling on edge like he may pop up somewhere but I think its just my anxiety.. he has not contacted me since yesterday when he texted me all that "nonsense" ... so hopefully he'll get the hint!