dmadeo

My boyfriend of 3 years has relapsed for the 3rd time. Me not being an addict or ever even trying drugs. I no longer can put me and my son in this position anymore. I love him so much and have tried all I could. So I officially ended the relationship on Monday, He has been texting me, blaming me, telling me that if something happens to him that he wants me to know it's my fault, but then saying how much he loves me and does not want to be with anyone else. I know it's his addiction talking and he's just trying to get me back again but i'm having a very hard time dealing with this. I was hoping someone could recommend a book for me? I feel like I just need some guidance on what to do. I'm trying not to blame myself but I feel horrible for ending the relationship when i'm sure he needs me. But I know deep down that he has to want to help himself in order to get better and that there is nothing else I or anybody can do for him. Please Please Please help =(

Eddiebuckle

Dmadeo,

Please cut yourself some slack here; your gut reaction is correct, trust it. The only thing I would add is that he has to more than want to help himself - he is the only one who can do it. Until he is willing to do the work every day that it takes to stay sober, he will not be able to stay sober for long.

TabulaRasa81

I heard 'Co-dependent No more' by Melody Beattie, was a good book to look into...its on my reading list, I just haven't got there yet!

dmadeo

I did hear that too! I just bought it on my kindle! Thanks soo much

zoso77

I see you're pretty new to us, so Welcome to the Board.

So, on the one hand, your AXBF is being transparently manipulative by

but then reverses course

He goes from emotional blackmail to "I love you", and by doing this, he's accomplished his goal by making you feel bad because you've left him when he needs you. While I can't recommend a book for you to read (but others can and will), I can share with you my hard earned wisdom.

At this very moment, your AXBF is incapable of being a responsible, romantic partner. He is also incapable of being a positive, steady influence for your son. And you know this to be true, because you left him. So, don't allow him to make you feel guilty for doing the right thing for you and your son, because if you do, he'll lure you back into the same situation that you're trying hard to avoid.

You are correct when you say he has to want to get better. Towards that end, the best thing you can do for him, for you, and for you son is to simply stay out of his way and allow whatever is supposed to happen to happen. On the face of it, this probably seems very difficult to accept, because this requires you "letting go". But right now, he needs to find his own path, and you really can't be part of that.

Actions, ultimately, speak louder than words. If he chooses recovery and starts walking the walk, maybe you two can start up again. But that's a big if.

I would encourage you to find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. I would also encourage you to read our sticky notes at the top of our homepage. Read as many posts as you can. Educate yourself, absorb the experiences of others, and above all else, protect your son.

Keep us posted as to how you're doing.

ZoSo

shinebright7

If you can get to an Al Anon meeting near you, they have great books that will help you stay on "your side of the street" and take care of you.

The meetings themselves are really great too.

I also find it helpful to read the AA big book to learn more about the nature of addiction.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

dmadeo

Thanks so much for replying back. Everything you said makes total sense. I'm really happy I found this site. In just one day of being on here I feel so much better. My friends and family try and give me advice but they are not in my situation so I just feel they don't completly understand. It's good to hear it from people who have been in my situation and can relate to me better. I'm def. staying strong this time, but when he said it will be my fault if he dies and that i should know it just felt like a kife going through my stomach.. i'm afraid that i will get news of him overdosing and I dont think I would be able to get those words out of my head. It's just hard..

lizwig

Hi dmadeo. I'm sorry for what has brought you here. This will be a great spot for you to visit...lots of great advice from people who have definitely walked in your shoes. It sounds like you already have a really good grasp on what you can and can't change. You CAN protect yourself and your son (good for you!!)...you unfortunately cannot control if and when your boyfriend will choose recovery. So best to step out of the way and not cushion his bottom which is what many of us here have had to do. I really liked the book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie, as well as her daily reading "The Language of Letting Go". I read it each morning and there are some great messages contained within it. Just good/healthy thoughts to ponder throughout the day on detaching with love. Al-anon has been a life saver for me as well. Lots of collective wisdom there to be had. Last nights topic was really good..."The 3 C's". YOU didn't CAUSE it, YOU can't CONTROL it and YOU can't CURE it". I find this site so useful in that you can pop in whenever YOU have time and don't have to wait for a scheduled meeting when you are feeling weak. I'm proud of you for keeping your priorities straight. In my experience, you may want to be aware his behavior could "amp up" now that you are setting boundaries in place for yourself. If you can prepare yourself mentally for that you may not fall victim to the manipulation. I attend al-anon even though my "qualifier" is an addict. You just replace the word "alcoholic" with "addict"...addiction is addiction. Big hug to you today....stay strong. Lizwig

atalose

And that’s what’s keeping you “hooked” the ………I’m sure he needs me part.

You are subjecting yourself to further emotional turmoil by not blocking his # and allowing yourself to receive those text messages.

We codies always keep that door open don’t we? Cause you never know when they are ..GOING TO NEED US. And that’s like winning the codependent Superbowl when an addict or alcoholic says they need us, they want our help………we jump right back in with both feet ready to take control of THER recovery.

Try and find the book Codependent No More, keep reading through all the stickies at the top of the page and read through the posts because you are not alone.

Put all your energy and time into YOU, focus on learnign and understanding codpendency and how you can change some behaviors in yourself to have healthier relaitonships with others.

AnvilheadII

when i'm sure he needs me.

and WHAT is it specifically he NEEDS you for? you were with him for THREE YEARS and he still got loaded. that's out of your control to prevent. but totally in his. if you were his solution, he'd be clean. if it was truly in your power to fix him, he'd be fixed.

if he were truly contrite and desperate to stop the cycle of drug abuse, he'd man up and be going all out to get clean and stay clean. he wouldn't be blaming you, casting aspersions upon you or saying anything other than that he was sorry and won't bother you until he gets himself sorted out.

dmadeo

So I just really need to vent real quick! So last night at 4 in the morning I get 3 phone calls and 2 text messages from him telling me "call me please I really need help before it's too late" and then "this is not a joke".. So I have had these kind of calls before in the past so I chose to ignore them this time and take a pretty scary risk that he was just doing the normal routine.. I don't want to fall back into his games like I usually do. That was usually the pattern but this time I am more serious about ending the relationship then I ever have been. I was just curious what I should do if this happens again? It is a very uneasy feeling to have not knowing where he is and what he's doing, and if he really is in trouble. Again here I go i'm gonna say what I normally say... " I feel like I could not forgive myself if I woke up the next morning and he was ".. I hate feeling this way. I don't think it's fair. His mother, friends, they don't have to deal with the phone calls and texts thinking he is going to kill himself, they are not the ones getting the blame for his addiction... it's me. And it's really upsetting when i'm the one who has been there for him and tried to help. I just feel walked all over, and like I meant nothing. When I think about it to much it makes me feel bad about myself, but I know it's just him manipulating me. I just want to feel like my old self, before I met him.. Just when I thought I was feeling better, starting to get over this he had to start up again.. Thanks for listening.. I just really needed to vent. xoxo

wicked

Have you blocked his number?
He does not need access to you.

Why is it a scary risk to assume he is just doing the normal routine?

If you insist on listening to his addictive manipulations, then my advice when he calls with his dire, drama queen screams for your attention is to call the people who could really help him.

'I will not listen to you threaten suicide. I have called 911 they are on their way. good bye.'

Yep, it is great to vent here.
He needs to talk to professionals about his serious mental health issues and addiction problems, not you.

Sara21

How would this be your fault? It's HIS decision to use, not yours.

Eddiebuckle

And it's really upsetting when i'm the one who has been there for him and tried to help. I just feel walked all over, and like I meant nothing. When I think about it to much it makes me feel bad about myself, but I know it's just him manipulating me. I just want to feel like my old self, before I met him..

Dmadeo, feelings are not facts. Your instincts are right on: this is all about manipulation and his attempting to get what he wants without consequence or reciprocation. This is not a relationship in any sense of the word, it is emotional blackmail. He obviously is capable of using his phone; if he truly needs help he knows how to get it: dial 911.

The most important thing to understand - not just acknowledge, but truly get - he cannot manipulate you without your permission. Sounds kinda crazy when put in those terms, but it is the truth. The work that you really need to consider doing (Al Anon being a really good resource to check out) - is figure out what compells you to want to grant that permission time and time again. This is the insanity that taints most relationships where addiction is active, and it is not just the addict that is affected. Both parties have to do their part for the dance to continue. His 4am phone calls are his part, your response to them are yours.

In the short term, the implied advice to block his number is one you should seriously consider.

lilyB2013

I definitely agree with all the others-- the manipulation is what makes it even all more horrendous. It's a tricky and slightly bizarre thing when you start to become more aware of it when it's happening ("he's trying to manipulate me!")

And yes, do NOT be afraid of calling 911 if he starts to say things that are causing you legitimate worry for his health- especially if he talks about overdosing.

My AXBF did the exact same thing you described--- and I called the police. Of course he was angry and he blamed me and tried to twist it into something I did with malice but... The relief I feel that I no longer get any more of those threatening messages blasting up my phone are worth it. Block his number if you don't think you could go through with the 911 call!

terryr97

When my ex threatened suicide, I took him away on vacation. When he had me so low, on a vacation we were supposed to be on together but he had left me for the hundredth time to use and I called and texted him that I was suicidal, he didnt even bother to text or call me back. My ex husband spent the night with me to make sure I didnt kill myself. And still I went back to him! Sheesh! Another great book is Women Who Love Too Much. In it I read something that said something like "It cant be that bad because I can still stand it"! Yup! Thats what I would always think. But I really couldn't stand it cos that relationship totally ruined me and its gonna take a while to get over it. But I will cos I deserve so much better. I'd much rather be alone, now that I have trust issues that I never had before I met him. Just stay strong and, when you feel weak, come on here, read, vent, whatever you have to do. But just remember, if you take him back and he overdoses while you're enabling his using, you'll feel alot worse.

neferkamichael

Dmadeo, politely tell him the relationship is over and you will not be responding to his calls and text anymore, make it clear to him the way things are. If he continues harrassing you or threatens suicide get the law in on it. God luck.

TabulaRasa81

OH my word,
This just happened to me Friday.....thats crazy. My AH made a couple phone calls, to tip people off(no specific just monotone 'I love u guys') and then left the car he was sleeping in and didn't tell anyone where he was at. His brother....was worried and drove an hour to check on him and found the car abandoned and 3 goodbye plse take care of my family letters fanned out on the dashboard. We looked around a few places but it was dark...I was sick to my stomach thinking.....he wouldn't do this today...its his sons birthday....would he?
I called the police and they began a search.....hopspitals.....apb.....crusiers patrolling the whole area. They found him in the lobby of an apartment building across the street from the car at 730 the next morning...he was fine...didn't do anything, or plan to do anything.....he was venting and didn't think anyone would come to the car.....!!!!! Whaa??? manipulation!
The hospital crisis nurse called me to tell me home was the best place for him, with loving family support....I was conflicted......couldn't believe what I was hearing.....he charmed her too....'he's trying, he says he's not using, the sober living centres is gonna make it worse...blah,blah......after 2 hours sleep I was overwhelmed. I told her I needed time to think......so she convinced his brother to go back on his stand, and take him home for a couple days.
I know he's not coming back here. He got to make all the decisions now....im done with that and being manipulated.

I feel your pain D.......I have 2 babies to take care of now, and myself.....its hard not to feel guilty or responsible, but that what he wants...then he'll be rescued and everything will be done for him.....no more.!!
Let Go and let God.

wicked

Insanity. ridiculous. She can take him home with her!
You are doing the absolute right thing.
On his son's birthday. For God's sake.

This sounds powerful.

Beth

TabulaRasa81

HAHAHA...I never thought of suggesting that!!! That's great, thanks !