why cant i just except it?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
why cant i just except it?
Its ridiculous, embarrassing and humiliating...I don't even know who I am anymore.
Im not this pathetic person, I use to be so independent and happy, I didn't need anyone to make me happy. I liked myself. I thought I had it "goen on" as they say....
Now im just this pathetic lonely woman who cant let go...cant just except that its over, even with the divorce final Im still wishing and hoping that things could be different...what could I have done differently, what I should have done differently. I still will fiind myself alone and crying for what my life could have been if I would have just been ......I don't even know.
It sounds stupid but I cant believe that we will never be together again as a family, that he hates me so much and really could care less after 20 yrs about me. Then I get angry...all the effort I put into it, all the time and worry and just trying to make him happy and then he just starts another life with someone else and moves on like its nothing.
Therapy has not helped, Al Anon is not helping...it will temporarily and then I slide back into the whole how did I get here mentality. My life is a mess...and I don't have any to blame for that but me. He says I bailed on him when he needed me the most..maybe I did, maybe I should have stayed but we both know he never would have stopped drinking if I did. So now that he is not drinking why does he not see that. I think if he wasn't so intent on blaming me and beating my up all the time..treating me like someone he never knew I could move on but this whole attitude of you don't matter to me and I could care less what happens to you is getting to me and I don't understand why...I should be feeling like that towards HIM.
Gawd I cant even stand myself right now...I don't understand
Im not this pathetic person, I use to be so independent and happy, I didn't need anyone to make me happy. I liked myself. I thought I had it "goen on" as they say....
Now im just this pathetic lonely woman who cant let go...cant just except that its over, even with the divorce final Im still wishing and hoping that things could be different...what could I have done differently, what I should have done differently. I still will fiind myself alone and crying for what my life could have been if I would have just been ......I don't even know.
It sounds stupid but I cant believe that we will never be together again as a family, that he hates me so much and really could care less after 20 yrs about me. Then I get angry...all the effort I put into it, all the time and worry and just trying to make him happy and then he just starts another life with someone else and moves on like its nothing.
Therapy has not helped, Al Anon is not helping...it will temporarily and then I slide back into the whole how did I get here mentality. My life is a mess...and I don't have any to blame for that but me. He says I bailed on him when he needed me the most..maybe I did, maybe I should have stayed but we both know he never would have stopped drinking if I did. So now that he is not drinking why does he not see that. I think if he wasn't so intent on blaming me and beating my up all the time..treating me like someone he never knew I could move on but this whole attitude of you don't matter to me and I could care less what happens to you is getting to me and I don't understand why...I should be feeling like that towards HIM.
Gawd I cant even stand myself right now...I don't understand
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
It sounds like you are still going through the grieving process.
It took me a while after a 20 yr relationship to start living my life again.
I've recently read the following book which you may find helpful.
Hugs
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
By Susan Anderson
It took me a while after a 20 yr relationship to start living my life again.
I've recently read the following book which you may find helpful.
Hugs
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
By Susan Anderson
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
sorry for what has happened. I can relate (not exactly) but i understand what you mean when you say it should be reversed. you should be in his shoes and not the other way around. it shouldnt be him being the one to have left and angry etc ...it should be you.
i get that, after all who was the addict?
i feel sad for you and i cannot comprehend where he feels justified to BLAME or be upset with you. that right there is proof that he is not worthy of you. your the one who put up with him, not him putting up with you and this new woman will soon see what a thick skull and selfish he is. my only advice to you other than alanon is to get out there and have fun, your a single woman and theres nothing like some independant time. theres a whole world out there and many people in it.
hope things look up
i get that, after all who was the addict?
i feel sad for you and i cannot comprehend where he feels justified to BLAME or be upset with you. that right there is proof that he is not worthy of you. your the one who put up with him, not him putting up with you and this new woman will soon see what a thick skull and selfish he is. my only advice to you other than alanon is to get out there and have fun, your a single woman and theres nothing like some independant time. theres a whole world out there and many people in it.
hope things look up
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sometimes we just have to take a huge leap of faith, and believe everything is just as it has to be at this moment in time.
People come into our lives for a reason, I do not believe it's an accident. I have never been so humbled in my whole life until I allowed an active addict to drag me through the wringer.
Apparently, forces greater than I, thought an exercise in humility was in order. With certainty, I can share, I have grown from the experience.
It may not seem like it today, put the pain you are feeling, will lessen with time, and you will rise above this.
It going to be ok, friend. Keep posting and sharing your story, it will truly help. Reach out to friends and family. Reconnect with some old friends. every little positive step You take will help you get to a better place. Force yourself to get outside and get some fresh air. Take up a new hobby. Make plans, do something you have always wanted to do. Switch your daily routine, do anything and everything to help yourself along.
Sending you hugs and wishing you peace.
People come into our lives for a reason, I do not believe it's an accident. I have never been so humbled in my whole life until I allowed an active addict to drag me through the wringer.
Apparently, forces greater than I, thought an exercise in humility was in order. With certainty, I can share, I have grown from the experience.
It may not seem like it today, put the pain you are feeling, will lessen with time, and you will rise above this.
It going to be ok, friend. Keep posting and sharing your story, it will truly help. Reach out to friends and family. Reconnect with some old friends. every little positive step You take will help you get to a better place. Force yourself to get outside and get some fresh air. Take up a new hobby. Make plans, do something you have always wanted to do. Switch your daily routine, do anything and everything to help yourself along.
Sending you hugs and wishing you peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
all the effort I put into it, all the time and worry and just trying to make him happy
right now, dear one, your tank is on empty. you gave SO much of yourself - your like the bank that loaned all it's money.
it's gonna take some time to start refilling that tank. now you start the journey of learning how to make yourself happy. that is where your energy rightly belongs, no one is more deserving of your time talents and attention, than YOU.
right now, dear one, your tank is on empty. you gave SO much of yourself - your like the bank that loaned all it's money.
it's gonna take some time to start refilling that tank. now you start the journey of learning how to make yourself happy. that is where your energy rightly belongs, no one is more deserving of your time talents and attention, than YOU.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear, Dear my3sons, it has not really been a very long time, has it? You do know that this is not about YOU--don't you? This is not because of anything about you--it is about him and his need to protect a savage disease.
Of course you are going to cry. Go ahead--get it out. It hurts like h***. One day this will fade away---the pain of staying in active addiction goes on forever--and just keeps getting worse!
I'm glad you came here to talk about how you are feeling. That is good.
sincerely, dandylion
Of course you are going to cry. Go ahead--get it out. It hurts like h***. One day this will fade away---the pain of staying in active addiction goes on forever--and just keeps getting worse!
I'm glad you came here to talk about how you are feeling. That is good.
sincerely, dandylion
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I should have known you all would understand...I was so scared that I was going to get a lot of "suck it up" comments....thank you all for the kind words that I really needed to hear. I don't get a lot of understanding from people, they don't get it. Not that I want to wallow but sometimes I just want some understanding.
Rosie, I will check out that book, Im reading a lot lately.
I really hope there comes a time I don't feel like this anymore...sometimes it just get to be to painful to feel so unloved.
Rosie, I will check out that book, Im reading a lot lately.
I really hope there comes a time I don't feel like this anymore...sometimes it just get to be to painful to feel so unloved.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
I am so sorry that you are going through this. He is indeed a jerk for deserting you after a lifetime together. I think the real anger that he is harboring is toward himself. Maybe he doesn't want to face the past and all the hurt that he caused. IMHO he is running from the past. Thar's why he's moved on and cut you off, he's still in the mind of an alcoholic avoiding responsibility and placing blame. Remember that he caused this, not YOU. You did the only thing you knew to do, support him until you decided to get better and you deserve to be healthy. ((((Hugs)))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Grief is a very natural thing to feel once a relationship ends--any relationship--even a toxic one. I'm sorry you are so down, and hope that you realize you deserve to be happy. You do deserve to take good care of yourself.
You are loveable--don't ever forget that!
You are loveable--don't ever forget that!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, My3sonsnme.
One thing that I realized after putting together a lot (a LOT) of different pieces that I just never looked at all at once: he may have decided he didn't love me anymore when I left him and stayed gone, but it was _himself_ that he hated. Every nasty thing he accused me of with loathing in his voice (affairs, stealing his money, ...), HE did. Every nasty way of feeling that he said I felt about us or him, he felt. I may have been the easy target to take it all out on, but he _really_ does not like himself.
Oh, wait.... He did end up expressing what felt like true hatred for me, after I tried to make him stick to schedule to see HIS boy, and no longer catered to his every need or allowed him to treat me like sh-t. I stood up for DS and myself and he hated that.
And, even if your AH could care less after 20 years together, that says so much more about HIM than it says about you.
Remember to take time for yourself and to be patient with yourself. You'll start to recognize yourself again.
Truly.
Originally Posted by my3sonsnme 
It sounds stupid but I cant believe that we will never be together again as a family, that he hates me so much and really could care less after 20 yrs about me.
Oh, wait.... He did end up expressing what felt like true hatred for me, after I tried to make him stick to schedule to see HIS boy, and no longer catered to his every need or allowed him to treat me like sh-t. I stood up for DS and myself and he hated that.
And, even if your AH could care less after 20 years together, that says so much more about HIM than it says about you.
Remember to take time for yourself and to be patient with yourself. You'll start to recognize yourself again.
Truly. 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I've been there...yep...in a very similar place.
I think along with normal grieving you are experiencing a lot of depression. The two together is a lot to handle, and then you blame yourself on top of all that.
When I was at that point, I learned that I couldn't trust my instincts just then. Normally I can. But in depression, our instincts are to sit and wallow in it, and not do anything at all.
Sound familiar?
If it does, I suggest you give yourself a routine. A daily schedule. Lethargy produces more lethargy. Depression produces more depression.
That law--things in motion tend to stay in motion, things at rest tend to stay at rest.
I had to go against my own grain at that point in time. Make myself a schedule (not crazy over the top!) and try to stick to it.
It's Spring...and if you can get outside and enjoy that, it might help. Anything you can do to feel things growing, especially if you help them along the way, gardening if you do that. Making a good meal for yourself if you like to cook. Anything to make yourself create something beautiful. Anything to be proud of.
Another thing that works is when you are thinking about him all the time, to consciously force those thoughts away. It's like training to think of other things that don't depress you. Therapy and alanon are sometimes doing the opposite--you are thinking of him more in those settings. Give yourself a break here. You can always go back and process stuff about him later. Right now it's not in your best interest if depressed. I am not suggesting that you quit them both--but that you try not to make him the focus, but your own GOOD STUFF. Just for awhile. Ask your therapist. Assuming they are good, they might agree. I'm certainly not suggesting you take my advice over your therapist!
As for him--you do know that a new relationship makes it super easy for him to avoid looking back at anything he did to facilitate the divorce? Just remember that.
Those are a few suggestions I have of when I was in a similar place. They're not a cure, but every little bit does add up...that you can put your faith in...it works.
I think along with normal grieving you are experiencing a lot of depression. The two together is a lot to handle, and then you blame yourself on top of all that.
When I was at that point, I learned that I couldn't trust my instincts just then. Normally I can. But in depression, our instincts are to sit and wallow in it, and not do anything at all.
Sound familiar?
If it does, I suggest you give yourself a routine. A daily schedule. Lethargy produces more lethargy. Depression produces more depression.
That law--things in motion tend to stay in motion, things at rest tend to stay at rest.
I had to go against my own grain at that point in time. Make myself a schedule (not crazy over the top!) and try to stick to it.
It's Spring...and if you can get outside and enjoy that, it might help. Anything you can do to feel things growing, especially if you help them along the way, gardening if you do that. Making a good meal for yourself if you like to cook. Anything to make yourself create something beautiful. Anything to be proud of.
Another thing that works is when you are thinking about him all the time, to consciously force those thoughts away. It's like training to think of other things that don't depress you. Therapy and alanon are sometimes doing the opposite--you are thinking of him more in those settings. Give yourself a break here. You can always go back and process stuff about him later. Right now it's not in your best interest if depressed. I am not suggesting that you quit them both--but that you try not to make him the focus, but your own GOOD STUFF. Just for awhile. Ask your therapist. Assuming they are good, they might agree. I'm certainly not suggesting you take my advice over your therapist!
As for him--you do know that a new relationship makes it super easy for him to avoid looking back at anything he did to facilitate the divorce? Just remember that.
Those are a few suggestions I have of when I was in a similar place. They're not a cure, but every little bit does add up...that you can put your faith in...it works.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
My3sonsnme,
Do not be too hard on yourself.
You are just wounded, hurt and rolling in the mud.
Pretty common from what I have seen.
As a good note, you know where you are and that you do not want to be there.
Here is my path out. You are welcome to join the trip.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3925744
Do not be too hard on yourself.
You are just wounded, hurt and rolling in the mud.
Pretty common from what I have seen.
As a good note, you know where you are and that you do not want to be there.
Here is my path out. You are welcome to join the trip.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3925744
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s like we have this fantasy of how we want our married/family life to go and then we discover that the person we “picked” to share our fantasy with isn’t really participating the way we had envisioned.
So we spend year after year trying to get that “square peg” to fit into our “round” ideal of life.
As codies self blame is naturally the place we go to first with all of our if only this or that. If I was only this or that, If I only did this or that…….then that same “square peg” would fit into the “round” ideal of life we want them to.
It’s not until we’ve done some work on ourselves that we discover that in fact we picked the wrong kind of partner. We accept that the “square peg” was never going to fit into our “round” ideal of life. We brush ourselves off, we hold our heads high and we move on when we are ready with new knowledge and experience so we never pick a “square peg” again.
Your morning the loss of what life you wanted to have with this man, it doesn’t mean you have to morn your entire life…….because the best part of it has yet to come!!!!
((hugs))
So we spend year after year trying to get that “square peg” to fit into our “round” ideal of life.
As codies self blame is naturally the place we go to first with all of our if only this or that. If I was only this or that, If I only did this or that…….then that same “square peg” would fit into the “round” ideal of life we want them to.
It’s not until we’ve done some work on ourselves that we discover that in fact we picked the wrong kind of partner. We accept that the “square peg” was never going to fit into our “round” ideal of life. We brush ourselves off, we hold our heads high and we move on when we are ready with new knowledge and experience so we never pick a “square peg” again.
Your morning the loss of what life you wanted to have with this man, it doesn’t mean you have to morn your entire life…….because the best part of it has yet to come!!!!
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
Thank you Hammer...I had read your post earlier and plan on making my Crappy/Happy list also , its a great idea.
Thank all of you for sharing your stories and experience with me...I don't feel so alone after reading them. I went out to dinner and to listen to a local band with some friends tonight but didn't stay long. Im standing there watching all these drunk people and thinking omg....if this is what I have to look forward to Im never going to leave my house. All these people in my age group (late 40s) and that's what they do???
Im not interested in drinking like that...I love listening to live music and being around a crowd but after what alcohol has done to my family It makes me ill to watch people like that and even to be around my friends when they are drinking.
I felt completely out of place which is not like me at all. Ive always had a great time going out listening to bands and dancing. Now it just makes me feel alone and miss my XAH, since its what we use to do together. I need to find new interest. I need a "make over" a whole new me...that sounds good. I just miss being in a family...coming home to all the good chaos..the kids, making dinner, all that stuff that at the time we take for granted and hate...
well, at least I did it, I got out of the house...but Im glad to be home with my dogs..
Thank all of you for sharing your stories and experience with me...I don't feel so alone after reading them. I went out to dinner and to listen to a local band with some friends tonight but didn't stay long. Im standing there watching all these drunk people and thinking omg....if this is what I have to look forward to Im never going to leave my house. All these people in my age group (late 40s) and that's what they do???
Im not interested in drinking like that...I love listening to live music and being around a crowd but after what alcohol has done to my family It makes me ill to watch people like that and even to be around my friends when they are drinking.
I felt completely out of place which is not like me at all. Ive always had a great time going out listening to bands and dancing. Now it just makes me feel alone and miss my XAH, since its what we use to do together. I need to find new interest. I need a "make over" a whole new me...that sounds good. I just miss being in a family...coming home to all the good chaos..the kids, making dinner, all that stuff that at the time we take for granted and hate...
well, at least I did it, I got out of the house...but Im glad to be home with my dogs..
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