Permission to be ourselves
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Permission to be ourselves
I was writing on another thread about my first marriage, and how I scapegoated my husband to get out of it.
I felt I needed to make somebody the bad guy, and obviously it couldn't be me!
It wasn't 19th century England, where somebody has to be committing a crime like adultery to get a divorce. (Think of Out of Africa). It was the year 2000.
So why do we scapegoat others when we want to do something like leave them?
GUILT.
Why don't we just give ourselves permission to BE OURSELVES?
It's ok to want out. Nobody has to be the bad guy.
It's ok to want to change our lives.
It's ok to change our mind about living with someone, marrying someone, taking someone in, working for someone, being someone's friend, enabling someone, even loving someone!
They don't have to become evil in our eyes to change what we decide we want...they can even still be regarded as a good person--or at least an individual with their own reality, individuality, rights...
If only we allow ourselves the right to be ourselves. Permission from within. When we give ourselves that permission to be ourselves, we can give others respect to be themselves, and then we don't have to make somebody the bad guy to change the relationship, and nobody has to be guilty of anything.
Seems simple, put that way.
I felt I needed to make somebody the bad guy, and obviously it couldn't be me!
It wasn't 19th century England, where somebody has to be committing a crime like adultery to get a divorce. (Think of Out of Africa). It was the year 2000.
So why do we scapegoat others when we want to do something like leave them?
GUILT.
Why don't we just give ourselves permission to BE OURSELVES?
It's ok to want out. Nobody has to be the bad guy.
It's ok to want to change our lives.
It's ok to change our mind about living with someone, marrying someone, taking someone in, working for someone, being someone's friend, enabling someone, even loving someone!
They don't have to become evil in our eyes to change what we decide we want...they can even still be regarded as a good person--or at least an individual with their own reality, individuality, rights...
If only we allow ourselves the right to be ourselves. Permission from within. When we give ourselves that permission to be ourselves, we can give others respect to be themselves, and then we don't have to make somebody the bad guy to change the relationship, and nobody has to be guilty of anything.
Seems simple, put that way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Before recovery I did not know it was okay to want what I wanted....and as a result it would all come out sideways.
Then I had to learn to sit with what I wanted.
It is so hard to be present with us.....
Now that I have some hindsight in place, when I do those things like scapegoating, get controlling etc it is usually because I am not being present.
Thank goodness for hte lessons that got me to all this stuff.
Then I had to learn to sit with what I wanted.
It is so hard to be present with us.....
Now that I have some hindsight in place, when I do those things like scapegoating, get controlling etc it is usually because I am not being present.
Thank goodness for hte lessons that got me to all this stuff.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Love your replies!
I think there's a fear inside ourselves that facilitates this not being present in ourselves, not understanding and giving that permission to be ourselves.
I've known this stuff for awhile since that divorce, but I've never put it into conscious words.
And smaller life situations still present me again with this--and sometimes now I am much better at realizing why I reacted the way I did, and definitely better at choosing another path. It's particularly difficult when old FOO stuff is reignited, because we leap back to being confused and sometimes helpless children and temporarily lose the adult we've become.
Fear? Fear that we are flawed? and that's why the hanging of the head in guilt, or shame? But more importantly, not listening to ourselves, which is where this wonderful understanding comes in and then we work through whatever is necessary and are ok with who we are.
There's a great book I read 25 years ago--"I'm ok, You're ok".
I think there's a fear inside ourselves that facilitates this not being present in ourselves, not understanding and giving that permission to be ourselves.
I've known this stuff for awhile since that divorce, but I've never put it into conscious words.
And smaller life situations still present me again with this--and sometimes now I am much better at realizing why I reacted the way I did, and definitely better at choosing another path. It's particularly difficult when old FOO stuff is reignited, because we leap back to being confused and sometimes helpless children and temporarily lose the adult we've become.
Fear? Fear that we are flawed? and that's why the hanging of the head in guilt, or shame? But more importantly, not listening to ourselves, which is where this wonderful understanding comes in and then we work through whatever is necessary and are ok with who we are.
There's a great book I read 25 years ago--"I'm ok, You're ok".
Co-dependant Control Freak
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 85
I soooo needed this!
I have been thinking about something my AS said to me the other day. "You are so sensitive"
YES, I am sensitive, that is me. I am in my house, and I am allowed to be ME! I dont have to adjust MYSELF when you are in MY house!
I have been thinking about something my AS said to me the other day. "You are so sensitive"
YES, I am sensitive, that is me. I am in my house, and I am allowed to be ME! I dont have to adjust MYSELF when you are in MY house!
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