Father of children deep in addiction, need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 4
Father of children deep in addiction, need advice
So my significant other (or not so significant) and the father of my two absolutely gorgeous children is a heroin addict who's addiction is currently winning the battle. I feel as if I am just waiting for the phone call saying he has not made it through the night. We have been together 5 years and the past year has just been absolute hell.
So long story short I guess, he is in another state with failed rehab attempts he hadn't spoken to me or our children in over two months until about 2 weeks ago. Said he was doing real good loved us wants us back blah blah. We talked occasionally and then he dropped off the map again. Using. Homeless again then his mom picked him back up and he is supposedly trying to get clean. Not quite sure what to believe about that. Especially when he still talks to & sees his little druggie gf. But whatever that's another story in of itself.
Now I am contemplating changing my cell phone number until he has some sobriety or gets really serious about being clean. Its wearing me down. I can't concentrate on anything. And I cannot stand my daughter to be hurt by this any more. I would still be in contact with his mom so wouldn't be totally out of the loop but just want him to know I'm serious about him being sober before being in the kids life again.
So long story short I guess, he is in another state with failed rehab attempts he hadn't spoken to me or our children in over two months until about 2 weeks ago. Said he was doing real good loved us wants us back blah blah. We talked occasionally and then he dropped off the map again. Using. Homeless again then his mom picked him back up and he is supposedly trying to get clean. Not quite sure what to believe about that. Especially when he still talks to & sees his little druggie gf. But whatever that's another story in of itself.
Now I am contemplating changing my cell phone number until he has some sobriety or gets really serious about being clean. Its wearing me down. I can't concentrate on anything. And I cannot stand my daughter to be hurt by this any more. I would still be in contact with his mom so wouldn't be totally out of the loop but just want him to know I'm serious about him being sober before being in the kids life again.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Thirdplace, addiction is a terrible situation and I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have to take care of you and your children first. I'm 2 years 9 months sober, 1 year 7 months no crack, and 10 months no cigarettes and I'm confident I'll stay that way. Now having said that it took me 42 years to destroy my life. Science has learned so much about addiction that I'm convinced it is a disease, not a lack of morals, or willpower. Sadly only about 5% of people stop using permanently, no matter if they go to rehab, AA, or quit cold turkey. I hope he makes it, but please take care of you and the kids first. 
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, I am so sorry you and your children are going through this.
My son has been lost in his addiction for years, even though he did manage as much as 3 years sobriety once. We just never know if they will get clean tomorrow, stay stuck for years and years, or sadly, end up in jails or hospitals or worse.
You are young and have young children. If you were my daughter I would suggest you not put your lives on hold waiting for him to reclaim his. I know it's hard and sad, and being a single mom can be quite a struggle, but living with an active addict is by far worse for everyone.
Take a read around, especially the sticky threads at the top, and know you are among friends here who truly understand your pain.
Hugs
My son has been lost in his addiction for years, even though he did manage as much as 3 years sobriety once. We just never know if they will get clean tomorrow, stay stuck for years and years, or sadly, end up in jails or hospitals or worse.
You are young and have young children. If you were my daughter I would suggest you not put your lives on hold waiting for him to reclaim his. I know it's hard and sad, and being a single mom can be quite a struggle, but living with an active addict is by far worse for everyone.
Take a read around, especially the sticky threads at the top, and know you are among friends here who truly understand your pain.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Thirdplace,
Having children and their father is a full blown acttive addict is by far one of the most heart wrenching experiences to date, at least for me. Still loving the father of your children makes matters much worse. That's my story anyway! Addiction sucks! In my opinion it is much worse to bring up children in the madness and choas of active addiction. You are absolutely on the right path. Until he is clean and working on his recovery it will be hearttache after heartache!
He will know your serious, in my opinion, by you meaning what you say and sticking to it. By not contacting him, not accepting contact from him, not "dancing the dance" with him.
I have 2 sons and their father is a active addict and has choosen crack over his kids. This has been a source of greif for me for many years. I left my A baby daddy when my kids were little, they are almost adults now. I raised them in a safe, stable, drama free home. They thrived. Not to say it was all peaches and cream, but I could devote myself, time and energy to taking care of them. I was not pulled from my responsibilities as their mother by cleaning up messes of a active addict, or sheilding them from the behaviors of the addict, the stress of their confusion and the "do as he says not as he does" bull crap.
I did not want my children as young boys seeing this example of what a man was. Exposing them to the life style of a addict. I can't even imagine where my sons would be today had I of allowed active addiction in their lifes.
Work on you learn all you can about addiction and link up with a support group like al anon or nar anon. This will give you tools to stay strong, heal and grow.
Keep coming here too! Trust your instinsts/gut, to be a mom and provide a safe and loving up bringing for your kids. I told my kids about their fathers addiction and took them to alateen. They have accepted that their father is a addict and although it hurt them, they forgave but want nothing to do with him. If he were sincere,clean and wanted a real relationship with them they would probably be open to that. But until then they have moved on and accepted. They are balanced, do well in school and have seen and lived with a mother that made healthy choicesnfor herself and them. There for they have been tought and raised with a life style that gives them a foudation and tools to live a healthy balanced life too. They don't have to sift through the confusion of being exposed to a lifestyle that is harmful and hurtful. They only know what they were tought and raised in. A drug free active addiction free home.
Having children and their father is a full blown acttive addict is by far one of the most heart wrenching experiences to date, at least for me. Still loving the father of your children makes matters much worse. That's my story anyway! Addiction sucks! In my opinion it is much worse to bring up children in the madness and choas of active addiction. You are absolutely on the right path. Until he is clean and working on his recovery it will be hearttache after heartache!
He will know your serious, in my opinion, by you meaning what you say and sticking to it. By not contacting him, not accepting contact from him, not "dancing the dance" with him.
I have 2 sons and their father is a active addict and has choosen crack over his kids. This has been a source of greif for me for many years. I left my A baby daddy when my kids were little, they are almost adults now. I raised them in a safe, stable, drama free home. They thrived. Not to say it was all peaches and cream, but I could devote myself, time and energy to taking care of them. I was not pulled from my responsibilities as their mother by cleaning up messes of a active addict, or sheilding them from the behaviors of the addict, the stress of their confusion and the "do as he says not as he does" bull crap.
I did not want my children as young boys seeing this example of what a man was. Exposing them to the life style of a addict. I can't even imagine where my sons would be today had I of allowed active addiction in their lifes.
Work on you learn all you can about addiction and link up with a support group like al anon or nar anon. This will give you tools to stay strong, heal and grow.
Keep coming here too! Trust your instinsts/gut, to be a mom and provide a safe and loving up bringing for your kids. I told my kids about their fathers addiction and took them to alateen. They have accepted that their father is a addict and although it hurt them, they forgave but want nothing to do with him. If he were sincere,clean and wanted a real relationship with them they would probably be open to that. But until then they have moved on and accepted. They are balanced, do well in school and have seen and lived with a mother that made healthy choicesnfor herself and them. There for they have been tought and raised with a life style that gives them a foudation and tools to live a healthy balanced life too. They don't have to sift through the confusion of being exposed to a lifestyle that is harmful and hurtful. They only know what they were tought and raised in. A drug free active addiction free home.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
I am just speaking from my own personal experience that I happen to be in.
Change your number. It will drive you insane. I changed mine but then due to court order, I had to give him my number so he could call the kids. Now I get these text that say he will call and doesn't. I don't tell the kids though. they are better off not knowing. They wonder why he doesn't call.... But it is a lot easier just to not tell them and then they get there hopes up. If I keep them busy with school, church ect... it is a lot more stable for them and they don't think abbout him...
The only reason that I gave him my number is that the court ordered it. He didn't know my number before and it was way easier. Now I just have to deal with his empty promises on my own and leave the kids out of it.
Change your number. It will drive you insane. I changed mine but then due to court order, I had to give him my number so he could call the kids. Now I get these text that say he will call and doesn't. I don't tell the kids though. they are better off not knowing. They wonder why he doesn't call.... But it is a lot easier just to not tell them and then they get there hopes up. If I keep them busy with school, church ect... it is a lot more stable for them and they don't think abbout him...
The only reason that I gave him my number is that the court ordered it. He didn't know my number before and it was way easier. Now I just have to deal with his empty promises on my own and leave the kids out of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Try to think of it no so much as turning your back on your husband, but rather turning toward the protection of your children AND their mother! Your children need you to be healthy in body and mind. His choices are very unfortunate and sad, but they are his to make. You are doing the right thing. Please move forward with your plan. If getting 'updates' from his mother proves to keep you stuck in a bad place, you have the right to extract yourself from that situation as well.
Have you consulted a lawyer about your rights? It might be a good idea to do so now.
(((Hugs))) I'm very sorry that drugs have affected your lives in this way.
Have you consulted a lawyer about your rights? It might be a good idea to do so now.
(((Hugs))) I'm very sorry that drugs have affected your lives in this way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Toronto, On
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by thirdplace 
. Not quite sure what to believe about that. Especially when he still talks to & sees his little druggie gf.
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