Feeling worthless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Chandler, AZ
Posts: 3
Feeling worthless
Long story short, my husband is in yet another rehab. A few months ago he actually hit me in the face and since I was afraid and wanted him out of our house and away from our 3-yr old, I called the police.
I've been with him for 6 years trying to support his attempts at recovery but he's relapse binging about once a month, always ending up in the hospital to get benzos while the docs are astonished he's alive as he can walk, talk, even make jokes with a .4+ BAC.
Today his Dad (who has always tried to help until lately when he knows we're totally broke b/c of his son yet won't help me financially at all though he's a millionaire) I've been stuck b/c I desperately need health insurance while I'm in the midst of filing for disability.
I told him about a ridiculous comment my husband just made on the phone about how resentful he is b/c I don't "appreciate" him. Then his Dad made me feel worse than ever.
He was over here working on my husbands car and said "speaking of resememt, I can't believe you called the police on him for hitting you. If my wife ever did something like that I could never forgive her. ever, i dont know how you could do that to someone."
Mind you, I didn't press charges, the state did b/c him being in jail doesn't help my situation as long as he's got a job and even begged the prosecutor to go easy on him (right after which the A-hole started drinking again.
I was blown away from his comment. I said, would you EVER hit your wife in the 1st place? Which he of course answered no. Am I being unreasonable for being so upset that he said this? I told him I was literally afraid for my life and he still kept saying it was a horrible thing that I did by calling the cops. Since he said that I have never felt more worthless and hurt that someone cares less about me getting hit in the face than calling the police out of fear. This was totally out of character for him and I don't know if I should tell him how much that hurt me since at the time I was more shocked than anything else.
Should I tell him how I feel or just leave it alone? They've been helping w my son and in a way I think they want me to fall apart and put me in such a bad mental/physical shape that they may just be wanting some sort of custody since I'm disabled and have frequent migraines and other chronic pain. Stupid of them to do b/c without help I'm just going to take my son to Oregon to live with MY parents where I can at least get some emotional support. Am I over reacting or was that comment completely out of line and should I mention how horrible he's made me feel?
I've been with him for 6 years trying to support his attempts at recovery but he's relapse binging about once a month, always ending up in the hospital to get benzos while the docs are astonished he's alive as he can walk, talk, even make jokes with a .4+ BAC.
Today his Dad (who has always tried to help until lately when he knows we're totally broke b/c of his son yet won't help me financially at all though he's a millionaire) I've been stuck b/c I desperately need health insurance while I'm in the midst of filing for disability.
I told him about a ridiculous comment my husband just made on the phone about how resentful he is b/c I don't "appreciate" him. Then his Dad made me feel worse than ever.
He was over here working on my husbands car and said "speaking of resememt, I can't believe you called the police on him for hitting you. If my wife ever did something like that I could never forgive her. ever, i dont know how you could do that to someone."
Mind you, I didn't press charges, the state did b/c him being in jail doesn't help my situation as long as he's got a job and even begged the prosecutor to go easy on him (right after which the A-hole started drinking again.
I was blown away from his comment. I said, would you EVER hit your wife in the 1st place? Which he of course answered no. Am I being unreasonable for being so upset that he said this? I told him I was literally afraid for my life and he still kept saying it was a horrible thing that I did by calling the cops. Since he said that I have never felt more worthless and hurt that someone cares less about me getting hit in the face than calling the police out of fear. This was totally out of character for him and I don't know if I should tell him how much that hurt me since at the time I was more shocked than anything else.
Should I tell him how I feel or just leave it alone? They've been helping w my son and in a way I think they want me to fall apart and put me in such a bad mental/physical shape that they may just be wanting some sort of custody since I'm disabled and have frequent migraines and other chronic pain. Stupid of them to do b/c without help I'm just going to take my son to Oregon to live with MY parents where I can at least get some emotional support. Am I over reacting or was that comment completely out of line and should I mention how horrible he's made me feel?
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
That comment was completely out of line, absurd, stupid. You should have pressed charges to. You tell daddy the next time he does it you are gonna press charges. Also demand that daddy fork out some cash for his grandson. What a stupid jerk. Rootin for ya. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by neferkamichael 
That comment was completely out of line, absurd, stupid. You should have pressed charges to. You tell daddy the next time he does it you are gonna press charges. Also demand that daddy fork out some cash for his grandson. What a stupid jerk. Rootin for ya.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Huge red flags here, classic signs of an abuser... 1) The physical abuse. My guess is this will likely not be the last time he hits you. 2) The parental roles are reinforcing the abuse, backing up this ugly unacceptable behavior, excusing the behavior and trying to make it seem like it's okay. 3) One of your statements implies there's been a lot of ongoing emotional abuse. That tends to be where it begins. Putting you down, making you feel like nobody else would want you or that you're crazy and to blame for all the problems... things like that. 4) Isolating you and trying to make you depenedent on them. You don't deserve this. I have been there and it is a scary tough road, but my advice would be that it's probably not the best thing for you or your child to stay in this situation. I would suggest thinking about taking your child and going to a safe place. File for a restraining order. Many battered women's shelter's offer help and resources such as legal, housing, food, and more... I feel for you and I wish you strength. It's a tough road, but I have been there, (he didn't hit me for the first few years) and do not regret leaving.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable. Full stop. No excuses.
Hitting you is unacceptable. That's physical abuse.
The father's comment is unacceptable; it's emotional abuse.
Get to your parents, and get there quickly. There's no need for your son to be exposed to those vile people, regardless of whether they're 'helping' or not. And there's no need for you to be exposed to this either. You're a human being, with dignity and self-worth.
Sending you strength and hugs xxx
Hitting you is unacceptable. That's physical abuse.
The father's comment is unacceptable; it's emotional abuse.
Get to your parents, and get there quickly. There's no need for your son to be exposed to those vile people, regardless of whether they're 'helping' or not. And there's no need for you to be exposed to this either. You're a human being, with dignity and self-worth.
Sending you strength and hugs xxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by neferkamichael
Also demand that daddy fork out some cash for his grandson.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I've worked in the DV field for many, many years and you were absolutely right to call the police. Many victims of abuse don't do it until they have been hit many, many times, and by then it is part of the landscape of the relationship, and that much harder to extricate yourself and be safe.
You absolutely did the right thing. I sort of doubt whether explaining your feelings to your FIL will make any difference. If I were you I'd be thinking about moving closer to your own family.
You absolutely did the right thing. I sort of doubt whether explaining your feelings to your FIL will make any difference. If I were you I'd be thinking about moving closer to your own family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
He was over here working on my husbands car and said "speaking of resememt, I can't believe you called the police on him for hitting you. If my wife ever did something like that I could never forgive her. ever, i dont know how you could do that to someone."
You are dealing with an idiot. He is the one who should feel remorse for what he said.
Please, think about how you would feel if a comment like this was made to someonne you love who had been hit.
You did the right thing, there is nothing else to do but call the police when you are violently attacked.
Your father in law needs to clean up his side of the street. Perhaps he would feel differently if your husband had hit him, or his wife, or his grandchild.
How dare he defend a monster.
You are dealing with an idiot. He is the one who should feel remorse for what he said.
Please, think about how you would feel if a comment like this was made to someonne you love who had been hit.
You did the right thing, there is nothing else to do but call the police when you are violently attacked.
Your father in law needs to clean up his side of the street. Perhaps he would feel differently if your husband had hit him, or his wife, or his grandchild.
How dare he defend a monster.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Colissa, Your FIL is ignorant and chauvinistic. Do not interact with him any more than is absolutely necessary. He is not your friend; he is not on your side; do not trust him. Try to ignore and forget him.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Contact the local domestic violence organization and get all the information that you can get. PLEASE get legal advice before taking your child over state lines---Don't do anything that is going to come back and bite you in the a**!!!
There are good websites for abused---try reading up--and develop a plan for getting away, if necessary. If your family is helpful--maybe you can go to them for support.
We are always here for you. There is alanon--a great place for you to go. You need all the support you can get. Don't let the father-in-law or anyone else "brainwash" you.
sincerely, dandylion
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Contact the local domestic violence organization and get all the information that you can get. PLEASE get legal advice before taking your child over state lines---Don't do anything that is going to come back and bite you in the a**!!!
There are good websites for abused---try reading up--and develop a plan for getting away, if necessary. If your family is helpful--maybe you can go to them for support.
We are always here for you. There is alanon--a great place for you to go. You need all the support you can get. Don't let the father-in-law or anyone else "brainwash" you.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The Apple doesn't roll far from the tree.
Your father in law is a moron. I have a hunch he has a few ghosts in his closet
I would be running to an attorney to find out what I would need to do to relocate with my child to another state.
I am so glad to hear you have a supportive family to go home to.
Be strong.
Your father in law is a moron. I have a hunch he has a few ghosts in his closet
I would be running to an attorney to find out what I would need to do to relocate with my child to another state.
I am so glad to hear you have a supportive family to go home to.
Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
He was over here working on my husbands car and said "speaking of resememt, I can't believe you called the police on him for hitting you. If my wife ever did something like that I could never forgive her. ever, i dont know how you could do that to someone."
This is a difficult lesson I'm learning with my AH's parents. My AH is a 34yo is a chronic relapser who just checked himself into his fifth inpatient rehab, and snuck his phone in so he could play games and keep up with Facebook, and his parents were totally cool with that. They have bailed him out of countless troubles. They have bailed him out of jail, used their community connections to bail him out of trouble, just endless bailing out of AH since he was a kid. They think saying no to their children is mean. My AH's parents were prominent members of the community and can't stand the idea of their images being tarnished. They have literally helped AH sell a car when he had a drunken accident one night (I didn't know until after the **** hit the fan years later). My FIL has actually gotten out of bed at 5am to drive ten miles to move my SIL's car so it didn't get towed after a night of drinking, then lovingly texted her the location of her car so she wouldn't worry when she woke up that afternoon. My SIL, btw, is a 30yo woman.
CRAY. Zee.
With me, they have swung between telling me they support me and doing and offering nothing, and passively telling me that the Al-Anon methods I'm applying in my life are mean to my AH and they shouldn't be expected to follow through on these methods of dealing with an adult alcoholic child. Through my time participating on this board, in therapy, etc., I've just had to conclude that parents will more often than not side with and believe their children, and that parents are hard-pressed to believe that Johnny and Suzy are as bad as their spouses say they are until they've shouldered it on their own. And even then, sometimes not.
You absolutely did the right thing by calling the police. You were right to feel scared and violated. He hit you to scare, violate, and control you. Your FIL's reaction minimizing these acts is telling -- he's priming you to accept abuse from his son in the future. Please do not listen to him. Please begin planning your exit. Your safety and your child's safety is paramount.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Chandler, AZ
Posts: 3
My response
Thanks to everyone for your support! fIL has been texting me, AH's parents are trying to keep my son as long as possible which I'm starting to think is part of some twisted agenda. It sucks not being able to trust the only people around to "help" me. The last text from my FIL was wondering if they could take my son off my hands for a few days. My reply was: Please check your email. This is longer than I intended but bear with me as I'd like to hear your feedback.
****,
I'm sorry I didn't reply to your text. I honestly don't know how to respond to you after hearing you say what were likely the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.
I've tried, but I simply cannot imagine how or why you believe being pinned down, hit in the face having vile profanities screamed at me and having my own husband threaten to kill me - all because I tried to wake him up to make it to work on time - is in any way less offensive than me calling the police out of fear for my life.
I'm not sure how you can attempt to apply this awful, traumatic experience to your own life, when saying that you'd be so angry if someone called the police on you like I did on *****, that you would never speak to them again. Have you asked ***** how she would feel in this situation? That you could even think of think of such things is offensive enough, but saying that to me, especially now in the dreadful situation your son has left me in, made me feel that you view me as completely worthless. It's taken this much time to convince myself that I'm not, that I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and not feel blamed for the consequences of someone else's horrific decisions. I even did all I could to minimize his sentencing, spending a long time trying to convince the prosecutor how he'd since been sober and had never before been physical towards me (which was a lie) You want to talk about resentment, the day after I tried to lessen the impact with the prosecutor, he began drinking again.
***** himself would be appalled by the things you said to me. The first thing he thought about while sobering up in jail wasn't how angry he was that I could ever dare call the police on him. Instead, his first thoughts were how horrified and ashamed he was that he could actually hit his own wife. He was disgusted by his own behavior and felt he deserved to be in jail for the things he had done. If ****** were ever to even threaten a woman physically, she wouldn't have to call the police because I would have already done it for her. Anyone feeling indifferent towards physical abuse by a man to any woman is misogynistic beyond comprehension in my (and I believe most others) opinion.
It seems at times that both you and ***** have lost respect for me and other than ***** making up some story to account for that,( though I would hope you know me well enough by now to doubt any unfounded accusations) I have no idea why. I've worked so hard to get over hurdle after hurdle, all the while praying for the real ***** we know and love to finally bring this misery to an end. You no longer treat me like the family I thought we were and that I thought I could count on for support and understanding. I believe I am doing the best I can given my unbelievable circumstances, and yet I feel like I'm to be blamed for *****'s behavior when all I've ever done is try to support his efforts towards recovery. Both you and ***** have seemed unable to understand how I've stayed with him as long as I have, maybe you imagine it can't be as bad as I say (it's often much worse) or I'd have left a long time ago. At the end of the day, both of you have said that you'll always be there regardless because he's "family." We both made vows, and we have a child together, that to me is family. I've been surprised to hear even ***** tell me it's time to leave when she should know the significance of those vows better than anyone.
****, if your intent of explaining to me how awful it was that I called the police on ***** was anything other than inflicting hurt, feelings of betrayal and utter worthlessness as a person, you failed miserably. Could you imagine trying to explain your point to my father? Your words were so completely out of character of the man I thought you were, though you made yourself very clear and left me with no doubt about what you meant or any hope that I could have taken your words out of context. I really hope you realize how wrong, offensive, and devastatingly hurtful your comments were. I had hoped upon reflection of what you said that you would have called and apologized by now so I'm really starting to doubt my feelings, respect, and the high-esteem in which I've always held you. I truly hope I'm wrong in that regard.
****,
I'm sorry I didn't reply to your text. I honestly don't know how to respond to you after hearing you say what were likely the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.
I've tried, but I simply cannot imagine how or why you believe being pinned down, hit in the face having vile profanities screamed at me and having my own husband threaten to kill me - all because I tried to wake him up to make it to work on time - is in any way less offensive than me calling the police out of fear for my life.
I'm not sure how you can attempt to apply this awful, traumatic experience to your own life, when saying that you'd be so angry if someone called the police on you like I did on *****, that you would never speak to them again. Have you asked ***** how she would feel in this situation? That you could even think of think of such things is offensive enough, but saying that to me, especially now in the dreadful situation your son has left me in, made me feel that you view me as completely worthless. It's taken this much time to convince myself that I'm not, that I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and not feel blamed for the consequences of someone else's horrific decisions. I even did all I could to minimize his sentencing, spending a long time trying to convince the prosecutor how he'd since been sober and had never before been physical towards me (which was a lie) You want to talk about resentment, the day after I tried to lessen the impact with the prosecutor, he began drinking again.
***** himself would be appalled by the things you said to me. The first thing he thought about while sobering up in jail wasn't how angry he was that I could ever dare call the police on him. Instead, his first thoughts were how horrified and ashamed he was that he could actually hit his own wife. He was disgusted by his own behavior and felt he deserved to be in jail for the things he had done. If ****** were ever to even threaten a woman physically, she wouldn't have to call the police because I would have already done it for her. Anyone feeling indifferent towards physical abuse by a man to any woman is misogynistic beyond comprehension in my (and I believe most others) opinion.
It seems at times that both you and ***** have lost respect for me and other than ***** making up some story to account for that,( though I would hope you know me well enough by now to doubt any unfounded accusations) I have no idea why. I've worked so hard to get over hurdle after hurdle, all the while praying for the real ***** we know and love to finally bring this misery to an end. You no longer treat me like the family I thought we were and that I thought I could count on for support and understanding. I believe I am doing the best I can given my unbelievable circumstances, and yet I feel like I'm to be blamed for *****'s behavior when all I've ever done is try to support his efforts towards recovery. Both you and ***** have seemed unable to understand how I've stayed with him as long as I have, maybe you imagine it can't be as bad as I say (it's often much worse) or I'd have left a long time ago. At the end of the day, both of you have said that you'll always be there regardless because he's "family." We both made vows, and we have a child together, that to me is family. I've been surprised to hear even ***** tell me it's time to leave when she should know the significance of those vows better than anyone.
****, if your intent of explaining to me how awful it was that I called the police on ***** was anything other than inflicting hurt, feelings of betrayal and utter worthlessness as a person, you failed miserably. Could you imagine trying to explain your point to my father? Your words were so completely out of character of the man I thought you were, though you made yourself very clear and left me with no doubt about what you meant or any hope that I could have taken your words out of context. I really hope you realize how wrong, offensive, and devastatingly hurtful your comments were. I had hoped upon reflection of what you said that you would have called and apologized by now so I'm really starting to doubt my feelings, respect, and the high-esteem in which I've always held you. I truly hope I'm wrong in that regard.
Last edited by Seren; 04-20-2013 at 03:53 AM. Reason: No personally identifiable information allowed - Privacy Rule
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
C,
Nothing wrong with your email, but maybe you want to re-think the wisdom of posting the actual letter. Some people might recognize the names of the people involved (including yours)--assuming you haven't already changed them.
In spite of a very reasonable and articulate email, don't be shocked if your in-laws continue to make excuses for their son's behavior and to somehow blame you for his problems. Family members who don't understand alcohol and abuse can sometimes "circle the wagons" in a way that helps no one.
Nothing wrong with your email, but maybe you want to re-think the wisdom of posting the actual letter. Some people might recognize the names of the people involved (including yours)--assuming you haven't already changed them.
In spite of a very reasonable and articulate email, don't be shocked if your in-laws continue to make excuses for their son's behavior and to somehow blame you for his problems. Family members who don't understand alcohol and abuse can sometimes "circle the wagons" in a way that helps no one.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Me thinks your AH learned that behavior somewhere. You could send that email, but it will either not be answered or come back with rebuttals.
Maybe it is time to distance yourself and your child from that side of the family tree. If you hang on, expecting support of any kind, you would have to accept the belittling as well.
Take care.
Maybe it is time to distance yourself and your child from that side of the family tree. If you hang on, expecting support of any kind, you would have to accept the belittling as well.
Take care.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
sounds like one of those parents, the ones who see the bad but justify it.
i know because my ah's mother is the same way....not that she wont take my side on some issues but shell reason as to why it happened and justify his actions and if i were to do something to her son regardless of the situation shed still try to find some rationalization. sometimes its easier for some people to blame someone else than recognize the person who really lies at fault. cause and effect, he put his hands on you ...he went to jail.
regardless if you were his wife....his behavior to you or anyone results in an effect....jail or otherwise. thats what happens when you behave a certain way and no one should tolerate abusiveness anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.
he probably knew he spoke incorrectly when you asked him if hed hit his wife....i think that may have brought him back to reality after all he answered no and the conversation dropped. you made your point and even without it....you wouldnt really have to.
i think you should let it go but i understand why you would want to say something
i know because my ah's mother is the same way....not that she wont take my side on some issues but shell reason as to why it happened and justify his actions and if i were to do something to her son regardless of the situation shed still try to find some rationalization. sometimes its easier for some people to blame someone else than recognize the person who really lies at fault. cause and effect, he put his hands on you ...he went to jail.
regardless if you were his wife....his behavior to you or anyone results in an effect....jail or otherwise. thats what happens when you behave a certain way and no one should tolerate abusiveness anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.
he probably knew he spoke incorrectly when you asked him if hed hit his wife....i think that may have brought him back to reality after all he answered no and the conversation dropped. you made your point and even without it....you wouldnt really have to.
i think you should let it go but i understand why you would want to say something
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Colissa
AH's parents are trying to keep my son as long as possible which I'm starting to think is part of some twisted agenda.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Colissa, I'm horrified by what your FIL said to you. And I agree that your email sounds reasonable, but I also feel like I wouldn't _expect_ your in-laws to respond in a reasonable manner.
AXH's sister and father were supportive of me only when I wasn't rocking the boat. I could give them the info on my insurance so they could use it to get AXH (then AH) into rehab; I could bring DS to see them; I could ask questions about AXH's 'recovery', but they wouldn't volunteer anything. Once I started admitting to the abuse, their reasonable, supportive stance vanished. It was all about protecting their son/brother.
I also wanted to tell you that making that call to the police was so brave. You are stronger than you may realize and please know you are not worthless.
AXH's sister and father were supportive of me only when I wasn't rocking the boat. I could give them the info on my insurance so they could use it to get AXH (then AH) into rehab; I could bring DS to see them; I could ask questions about AXH's 'recovery', but they wouldn't volunteer anything. Once I started admitting to the abuse, their reasonable, supportive stance vanished. It was all about protecting their son/brother.
I also wanted to tell you that making that call to the police was so brave. You are stronger than you may realize and please know you are not worthless.
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