NotSoIvory

Today is my day 5. Felt really great this morning, really intaking the beauty of the day while I was walking to work. I am functioning well at work, I feel happy and sharp as a tack.

Then, I came home. Sigh.

My husband called and was drunk and upset about his court battle over his son. Let his toxic ex wife get to him again and was taking it out on me. The worst part of that is, he was just so mad and nearly ready to leave me for doing the same kind of thing to him when I was drunk, and he JUST told me how he wanted to be there to support me. Way to show support. Get drunk and yell at me. :/

Ahhh.... and my brother left. (Some of you may know the background story there. Had to confront him about his inconsiderate drinking behaviors in my home) Not sure how long he'll be gone. I also saw today that he ALSO sent me a bunch of drunk angry ramblings on the social media site last night. He posted a public note about how family should have each other's backs. TODAY he told me how he might be able to be more supportive but is sad that I would be willing to kick him out for something like that and that he has absolutely nobody left in the world. Basically telling me that I have forsaken him. I feel bad for him. I'm really hoping he doesn't go do something stupid. Alcohol - single handedly destoying one life at a time!

Through this, I'm thinking, wow, I sound just like these two when I drink. No wonder people think I'm a jerk. Dealing with this makes me want to drink, but I am so glad I am sober and thinking clearly right now and not wallowing.
I have just been trying to take the advice from the gracious people here in this community and focus on myself and the reasons why I am NOT going to put that nail in my coffin today. I don't think I would have had this kind of strength if it weren't for the people here on this site.
I was thinking about it... I think people miss that sense of touch or connection with others in today's world. That sense of.... community. That is a higher power than myself.

NotSoIvory

In short, TODAY I am having a good, strong day despite the trials.

Pedro1234

I think it times like this that you have to be selfish. Look after your own needs first. Your issues are just as important as everyone else s. Stay strong and well done on your day 5

neferkamichael

NotSoIvory, day 5? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. I hate alcohol too, it is absolutely good for nothing. Rootin for ya.

MidnightBlue

Great job, staying so strong and sober amidst all this, NoSoIvory. Keep it up and stay here.

NotSoIvory

Thank you Pedro, I think I need to be reminded of that. Cuz I do feel kinda terrible about the situation. It's hard to shake the guilt. It's weird, cuz all I am trying to do is set a boundary and I'm not sure why that makes me feel so bad.

MidnightBlue

It's hard to shake the guilt. It's weird, cuz all I am trying to do is set a boundary and I'm not sure why that makes me feel so bad.[/QUOTE]

I can totally relate to it, still struggling with it. There's one thing I remind myself:

"Put your oxygen mask first before helping others". You have to stay sober and clear headed in order to help others. It's not selfish to set boundaries, sometimes it's the only way to save your life.

Take care.

Vastreaction

Congrats on staying sober through that, I have found excuses to drink for less.

Also, grats on finding/describing that higher power. I was not raised religious, and I have trouble finding religion, so AA is tough for me. People seem to have a hard time grasping a "higher power" that isn't GOD, but you nailed it. A community of people with a collective understanding that bests your own is a "higher power."

Stay sober, I will try also with you.

Nonsensical

Exactly. Your spouse and brother might not recognize it yet, but you are going to be much more helpful to them sober.

Stay the course, you're doing GREAT!

fruitymarzipan

You hang in there Girl, your doing so well with all the stress going on in your life, well done you xx

shoreladylu

You're doing so good NSI. Being in that environment sounds very challenging to me. Nice work not giving in. Try not to get upset about the things your brother wrote about you. He sounds incredibly selfish to me. This recovery is about you though. Keep going strong! Almost a week!

visch1

OMG what a great explanation for those who are turned off with the idea AA is a religious program. A lot do return to their faith and myself and others have our own beliefs. If it works don't fix it. BE WELL

Goat

FlyerFan yesterday told me that if AA was going to save my life they could worship zebras for all it mattered.

But, I think I need to improve my own concept of a higher power.

I have always had tremendous respect for the natural world, and I assumed a general concept of "nature" as my higher power.

But... The right answer was right there in front of me. The community is truly a higher power that I can put my finger on. And I can turn my will over by being totally honest and really relying on the support the community can provide -- and then when it's my turn to do so give back to the community.

This makes turning my will over no longer such a nebulous concept. It's something real that I can do.

sugarbear1

Goat, it's not turning your will over, it's being under the care of a higher power.

Goat

Yes, that makes sense. Thank you!

neferkamichael

Hey goat, I had the hardest time in the beginning with steps 2&3. I don't believe in the idea of a creator god, I believe we evovled right here on mother earth without any help from anything any where else in the universe. AA is my high power and I have been quite comfortable with that. In a meeting one night a lady said her god is the spirit of the universe and that solved my problems with tep 3. I too plan to give back to the community one day.