Is this normal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
Is this normal?
Hi. I am a wife of a recovering addict/alcoholic. My husband and I have been together for ten years total. We have been married for five years. We recently had our first child. About 6 months into my pregnancy I notice something was wrong with my husband. I had every suspicion imaginable but could never prove anything. Finally this February he admitted he was addicted to drugs and alcohol and had been for 15 years!! This completely shocked me. i promise I am not an idiot he is just very good and hiding his addiction. Many people have been blew away by this discovery!
My husband states he really wants to be clean from all drugs and alcohol. He graduated from a 40 day inpatient rehab center and returned home. He has been home for about two weeks now.
I will be the first to admit I have no experience what so ever with addiction! This is not something that runs in my family and I have never been around this. I will also admit that it has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am learning that I am codependent and I am trying so hard to realize tht I cannot control or fix him. My husband is in control of himself. With that said, I am seriously struggling!
Before my husband went into an inpatient center he attempted outpatient treatment and relapsed two times and it was terrible. I found him getting high at his friends house again so I took our son and we moved out. Two days later he called begging for help saying he was sorry and wanted to quit but couldn't do it on his own. I arranged inpatient treatment and he was admitted. Now that he has returned home he is living with his parents and I am living with my parents. I asked him to move in here with us but he refused. His reasoning is that he needs to figure out who he is before he can move on. He says he needs six months to a year to himself to figure out who he is without drugs but he does not want a divorce. i understand needing time and I am doing my best to remain supportive. But I also feel that he is continuing to run away from me and our son and expecting me to continue raising him as a single parent while he is going to meetings, hanging out with other NA members, and enjoying his hobbies like hunting and fishing. I guess I feel like he can face his recovery alone or we can do this together and he wants to do it alone. He won't let me go to meetings with him. He tells me to see my own counselor and go to al-anon meetings. I went to a counselor once but have not made it to a meeting. (Not to make more excuses but I am working two jobs as a single mother and its hard to find the time) but I am planning on going next Sunday. I just feel like he is completely pushing me away! He is being so mean to me. he is stating that this is his "spring break" (he is using 12 weeks off from work) is this normal to completely push your wife and newborn baby away? We seriously only see him about three hours a week! (Less than when he was using!)
Another problem is My husbands so called "friends" are entering the picture again. When my husband entered the inpatient program I told him friends or family. I made it clear no more of his drug friends! I personally do not think that someone can use for 15 years, be clean for 60 days and then start hanging out with the same people he got high with! I feel that eventually he will give into temptation so why not remove yourself all together. Last Thursday he spent one hour with the same guy e was getting high with the day I left him! This made so many hurtful emotions come back! Ever since then we have done nothing but argue and I try to not even talk to him or text him because I know I am not being supportive by pointing out his mistakes.
I just feel that he is pushing me and our son away. I don't know if he has relapsed, if he is close to relapse, or if the sober husband is just mean but I cannot stand him right now. I am seriously so close to divorce right now. Someone please give me some advise!
My husband states he really wants to be clean from all drugs and alcohol. He graduated from a 40 day inpatient rehab center and returned home. He has been home for about two weeks now.
I will be the first to admit I have no experience what so ever with addiction! This is not something that runs in my family and I have never been around this. I will also admit that it has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am learning that I am codependent and I am trying so hard to realize tht I cannot control or fix him. My husband is in control of himself. With that said, I am seriously struggling!
Before my husband went into an inpatient center he attempted outpatient treatment and relapsed two times and it was terrible. I found him getting high at his friends house again so I took our son and we moved out. Two days later he called begging for help saying he was sorry and wanted to quit but couldn't do it on his own. I arranged inpatient treatment and he was admitted. Now that he has returned home he is living with his parents and I am living with my parents. I asked him to move in here with us but he refused. His reasoning is that he needs to figure out who he is before he can move on. He says he needs six months to a year to himself to figure out who he is without drugs but he does not want a divorce. i understand needing time and I am doing my best to remain supportive. But I also feel that he is continuing to run away from me and our son and expecting me to continue raising him as a single parent while he is going to meetings, hanging out with other NA members, and enjoying his hobbies like hunting and fishing. I guess I feel like he can face his recovery alone or we can do this together and he wants to do it alone. He won't let me go to meetings with him. He tells me to see my own counselor and go to al-anon meetings. I went to a counselor once but have not made it to a meeting. (Not to make more excuses but I am working two jobs as a single mother and its hard to find the time) but I am planning on going next Sunday. I just feel like he is completely pushing me away! He is being so mean to me. he is stating that this is his "spring break" (he is using 12 weeks off from work) is this normal to completely push your wife and newborn baby away? We seriously only see him about three hours a week! (Less than when he was using!)
Another problem is My husbands so called "friends" are entering the picture again. When my husband entered the inpatient program I told him friends or family. I made it clear no more of his drug friends! I personally do not think that someone can use for 15 years, be clean for 60 days and then start hanging out with the same people he got high with! I feel that eventually he will give into temptation so why not remove yourself all together. Last Thursday he spent one hour with the same guy e was getting high with the day I left him! This made so many hurtful emotions come back! Ever since then we have done nothing but argue and I try to not even talk to him or text him because I know I am not being supportive by pointing out his mistakes.
I just feel that he is pushing me and our son away. I don't know if he has relapsed, if he is close to relapse, or if the sober husband is just mean but I cannot stand him right now. I am seriously so close to divorce right now. Someone please give me some advise!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am so sorry you are going through this.
You have come to a very good place to seek help. There are so many people that have walked in your shoes here. We get through this kind of confusion and pain together.
Start by reading the stickies at the top of the forum. There is very helpful advice there.
In my opinion he has abandoned you and your baby. I would seek legal advice and get a court order for support. This is a terribly selfish disease and that is exactly what you are experiencing.
He is right about al-anon though. Most of us work our own program and let our loved one's work on their sobriety. Al-anon is a great place to get help.
Please keep reading and posting. This forum has helped so many of find a path back to sanity.
Peace,
Hanna
You have come to a very good place to seek help. There are so many people that have walked in your shoes here. We get through this kind of confusion and pain together.
Start by reading the stickies at the top of the forum. There is very helpful advice there.
In my opinion he has abandoned you and your baby. I would seek legal advice and get a court order for support. This is a terribly selfish disease and that is exactly what you are experiencing.
He is right about al-anon though. Most of us work our own program and let our loved one's work on their sobriety. Al-anon is a great place to get help.
Please keep reading and posting. This forum has helped so many of find a path back to sanity.
Peace,
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome......this is a great forum with lots of collective wisdom. I hope you find answers here.
This sounds like a very confusing time for you. Your husband has actually given you some very sound advice. Individual counseling and Nar-Anon and/or Nar-Anon meetings would be a good idea. It is tough while working two jobs and taking care of an infant but it sounds like you have some good support with your parents.
Only you can decide what's important to you......this is a baffling and cunning disease. It creates a whole range of emotions in the addict's loved ones and until you can fully understand those emotions, you may have knee jerk reactions. Most of us do. Meetings and/or counseling will help you......because its difficult to navigate this disease without it.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this issue. Addiction can really tear apart a family. You don't need to make any decisions today. Time will reveal more.
gentle hugs
ke
This sounds like a very confusing time for you. Your husband has actually given you some very sound advice. Individual counseling and Nar-Anon and/or Nar-Anon meetings would be a good idea. It is tough while working two jobs and taking care of an infant but it sounds like you have some good support with your parents.
Only you can decide what's important to you......this is a baffling and cunning disease. It creates a whole range of emotions in the addict's loved ones and until you can fully understand those emotions, you may have knee jerk reactions. Most of us do. Meetings and/or counseling will help you......because its difficult to navigate this disease without it.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this issue. Addiction can really tear apart a family. You don't need to make any decisions today. Time will reveal more.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
There is no we in recovery….there is I.
You will find recovery, or not.
He will find recovery, or not.
If you both can get well in your own right, then you can work on your marriage. It tends to work best this way.
You shouldn’t be going to meetings with him. NA meetings are for him. That is why he advised you to go to go to alanon, for you, to get some help and support.
And he will have to learn, and is very capable of learning, who is good to have in his life, and who isn’t. Oddly if you find recovery you will learn the same thing.
Now what does what he said to you mean.
Either he is taking everything he learned in rehab and meetings to heart or he is just running some scam. And you won’t know which it is until you know.
From here, protect yourself …
For me I personally would be concerned with what kind of financial decisions my husband was making that would impact my life, or leave me responsible for as well with him not in the home. Child support and visitation would be another thing that would have to be addressed.
You will find recovery, or not.
He will find recovery, or not.
If you both can get well in your own right, then you can work on your marriage. It tends to work best this way.
You shouldn’t be going to meetings with him. NA meetings are for him. That is why he advised you to go to go to alanon, for you, to get some help and support.
And he will have to learn, and is very capable of learning, who is good to have in his life, and who isn’t. Oddly if you find recovery you will learn the same thing.
Now what does what he said to you mean.
Either he is taking everything he learned in rehab and meetings to heart or he is just running some scam. And you won’t know which it is until you know.
From here, protect yourself …
For me I personally would be concerned with what kind of financial decisions my husband was making that would impact my life, or leave me responsible for as well with him not in the home. Child support and visitation would be another thing that would have to be addressed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone for your responses they have been very helpful!
To answer a few questions.... No I am not getting any child support. My husband went to Walmart last week and got diapers good and clothes but that is the only thing he has purchased for our son since he left for his inpatient treatment. As for the visits I told my husband before he returned home from treatment that I do not trust him alone with our child (as he has admitted to getting high in front of our child and taking our child to pick up drugs in the past!!!!). I told him he could spend time with our son only if he was with me, his parents or my parents. My husband ha been okay with this so far and states that he understands why I say this.
As for the mean thugs he has said... There have been so many I honestly cannot remember everything.... The day I left him (after two relapses) he told me he figured he would do te outpatient treatment to make me think he was clean. He stated he tricked me for ten years and he figured he could trick me for another ten years! His defense to this statement now is that he was high at the time he said that... He has referred to his time away from work and me and our child as his spring break. And then he does other things to find every excuse imaginable to avoid us. He is going his meetings which includes one AA or NA meeting a day and a three hour class three times a week for outpatient therapy. He isn't working right now. I understand that his meetings are extremely important and I do nothing but encourage him to go to these meetings. My problem is what he is doing with all of his free time. When I have a day off work he won't come see me or our son for whatever excuse he has. We haven't seen him since last Thursday and won't see him again until Friday when we take our son to get his pictures. Yesterday my husband states we will have to hurry at the pictures because he need to get back to help his dad with farming chores! He won't call me to talk on the phone because he is either too busy before I go to work or he is too tired when I get off work (I work 3-11 shift).
I understand how important his recovery is I just cannot understand why he is pushing me away. He tells me that he loves me and he wants to stay married but he want time to himself for awhile. I feel that his recovery is important but so is our marriage and how is anyone suppose to put up with him and wait until he decides to be around us again? My other concern is that he has relapsed. He has way too much free time and he is living with his alcoholic parents (that will let him get away with anything). I'm honestly not sure what is going on with him. My counselor told me I will know if he has relapsed if and when he does. I have no idea if he has because he won't come around me (which is why I think he has!)
Is it normal for a married man with a newborn baby to want 6 months to 1 year to himself while he goes through recovery? Should I stay around and wait or just file for divorce already?
To answer a few questions.... No I am not getting any child support. My husband went to Walmart last week and got diapers good and clothes but that is the only thing he has purchased for our son since he left for his inpatient treatment. As for the visits I told my husband before he returned home from treatment that I do not trust him alone with our child (as he has admitted to getting high in front of our child and taking our child to pick up drugs in the past!!!!). I told him he could spend time with our son only if he was with me, his parents or my parents. My husband ha been okay with this so far and states that he understands why I say this.
As for the mean thugs he has said... There have been so many I honestly cannot remember everything.... The day I left him (after two relapses) he told me he figured he would do te outpatient treatment to make me think he was clean. He stated he tricked me for ten years and he figured he could trick me for another ten years! His defense to this statement now is that he was high at the time he said that... He has referred to his time away from work and me and our child as his spring break. And then he does other things to find every excuse imaginable to avoid us. He is going his meetings which includes one AA or NA meeting a day and a three hour class three times a week for outpatient therapy. He isn't working right now. I understand that his meetings are extremely important and I do nothing but encourage him to go to these meetings. My problem is what he is doing with all of his free time. When I have a day off work he won't come see me or our son for whatever excuse he has. We haven't seen him since last Thursday and won't see him again until Friday when we take our son to get his pictures. Yesterday my husband states we will have to hurry at the pictures because he need to get back to help his dad with farming chores! He won't call me to talk on the phone because he is either too busy before I go to work or he is too tired when I get off work (I work 3-11 shift).
I understand how important his recovery is I just cannot understand why he is pushing me away. He tells me that he loves me and he wants to stay married but he want time to himself for awhile. I feel that his recovery is important but so is our marriage and how is anyone suppose to put up with him and wait until he decides to be around us again? My other concern is that he has relapsed. He has way too much free time and he is living with his alcoholic parents (that will let him get away with anything). I'm honestly not sure what is going on with him. My counselor told me I will know if he has relapsed if and when he does. I have no idea if he has because he won't come around me (which is why I think he has!)
Is it normal for a married man with a newborn baby to want 6 months to 1 year to himself while he goes through recovery? Should I stay around and wait or just file for divorce already?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Not Normal. We can't tell you what to do, to stay or go. That's a decision you have to make for yourself.
We all have to set our own boundaries. Do you know how boundaries work? Basically you state for yourself what you will tolerate, and how you will respond if the boundary is violated. It is so helpful in this kind of situation.
In my shoes my number one focus has to be on getting whatever you need to raise a happy and healthy baby. No responsible person can afford to go on "Spring Break" with a child.
He needs to be paying child support - that is your child's right and not your right really to forgo it. I would absolutely get the ball rolling on this now. His parents might let him be irresponsible, but you don't have to comply. I would also document his behavior, in case you need it for later.
Just reading about this makes me angry. You do not deserve this and neither does your child.
Can you think of reasons that you want to stay in this situation with him? See any progress or hope?
You don't have to make a decision today.
We all have to set our own boundaries. Do you know how boundaries work? Basically you state for yourself what you will tolerate, and how you will respond if the boundary is violated. It is so helpful in this kind of situation.
In my shoes my number one focus has to be on getting whatever you need to raise a happy and healthy baby. No responsible person can afford to go on "Spring Break" with a child.
He needs to be paying child support - that is your child's right and not your right really to forgo it. I would absolutely get the ball rolling on this now. His parents might let him be irresponsible, but you don't have to comply. I would also document his behavior, in case you need it for later.
Just reading about this makes me angry. You do not deserve this and neither does your child.
Can you think of reasons that you want to stay in this situation with him? See any progress or hope?
You don't have to make a decision today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
I'm of the school that dislikes terms like 'normal' and 'natural.' If we agree that certain feelings/actions/etc are normal and/or natural, it seems to infer to those folks who dont feel/act/etc this way that they are abnormal and/or unnatural, and that is totally false......y'all just keep in feelin' however..........
(o:
NoelleR
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m so sorry you and your baby are going through this.
Lots of good advice has been given to you. The most important is that YOU can’t make it WE when it comes to HIS recovery.
Sometimes the truth and reality are just too hard for us to bear so we focus on things that keep those thoughts and feelings at bay. Example: it’s too hard to bear that he may never be emotionally or physically available to me or my child – so if I insert myself into his recovery and life I don’t have to feel abandoned. If I just keep trying to make it work I won’t have to feel the pain of having to let go.
From being on this site and in al-anon for a number of years one of the things I have learned is that ANY relationship that starts out built on a foundation of lies is bound to crumble.
You have no idea today where his recovery is going to take him and what you do know today is that the person he is right now is not acceptable to you and the hard part is wrapping your mind around the fact he may never be.
Put all that energy and focus on you!!!!
Lots of good advice has been given to you. The most important is that YOU can’t make it WE when it comes to HIS recovery.
Sometimes the truth and reality are just too hard for us to bear so we focus on things that keep those thoughts and feelings at bay. Example: it’s too hard to bear that he may never be emotionally or physically available to me or my child – so if I insert myself into his recovery and life I don’t have to feel abandoned. If I just keep trying to make it work I won’t have to feel the pain of having to let go.
From being on this site and in al-anon for a number of years one of the things I have learned is that ANY relationship that starts out built on a foundation of lies is bound to crumble.
You have no idea today where his recovery is going to take him and what you do know today is that the person he is right now is not acceptable to you and the hard part is wrapping your mind around the fact he may never be.
Put all that energy and focus on you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Toronto, On
Posts: 43
Take the time away from him right now as a blessing. It's no picnic living with someone in recovery either. Make sure he's supporting you and the babe financially (which is what I need to figure out as well!) And Take care of your needs first! Sending you good vibes!
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