vicswife

My husband is an opiate addict and I have so much anger built up from all of the lies and betrayal. He's now in rehab and he says he's feeling better, that that wasn't him but I just want to spew all of the hurt he has caused me. I want him to stop blaming the drugs and own up to the fact that he's been disrespectful and ugly toward me.

anxiouswife

when you figure out how to do this, please let me know.
I worry about when mine comes home too, or is able to call.
Its hard to be happy for him, I am too wrapped up in him lying to me again or going back to the same old routine.

walker328

I was thinking earlier that I could possibly be very verbally abusive towards my ex if I were to say all the things that go through my mind. I tend to write lots of letters that never get sent - it helps to just write/type it all out and get it out of my system. I always write them with every intention to email him but I don't do it.

vicswife

So you're now divorced?

walker328

Ex boyfriend - sorry, should have made that clear. Thank God he was nothing more.

anxiouswife

just curious - what drug?

walker328

Cocaine. He's probably an alcoholic, smokes too much weed and makes really really poor decisions. Usually binges, and is fine the rest of the time. He has been an addict for 30 years, and downplayed it when we started dating, said it was out of his system, and said everything I wanted to hear. It was all BS. Sucked me in, we fell in love, then the lies and sh!t started.

I understand the rage you feel. It sucks.

anxiouswife

if we could do it differently, im sure everyone in this whole place would..

Hanna

Hey There,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You've come to the right place.

Read the sticky threads at the top of the forum. It's a great deal of reading but all of it is very helpful.

Keep posting here, and reading and posting in other folk's threads, too. You'll find a path back to sanity.

Many of us live by the 3 Cs.
You didn't Cause it
You cannot Cure it.
You cannot Control it

Many here are in situations that have caused a great deal of anger. You'll definitely find a variety of ways of dealing with it from people here.

Glad you found us. Sorry it was necessary. Please stick around and keep reading and posting.

Peace,
Hanna

PS: If someone hurt me then simply said "That wasn't me" I'd be quite livid, too. That's not taking responsibility. I can't make other people take responsibility, but I can set boundaries about what I will tolerate. One of my boundaries is that if someone hurts me then shows no understanding of how or why and no real remorse, I'm going to limit my interaction with them.

Impurrfect

I had a ton of anger for quite a while. It wasn't until I started reading around here and about codependency, that I had to accept that I had a part in it.

I'm NOT saying that his behaviors are justifiable. I am only speaking from my experience. I was verbally and emotionally abused for 20 years. I whined and complained to everyone and drove a lot of people away.

What I finally realized (thanks to everyone here) is that I allowed that. Stronger, "normal" people would have probably left after the first time. Me? I kept thinking it would get better, that I could change and make him happy.

I know this doesn't apply in all cases, I'm just talking about what I learned. Someone very wise once told me "we get what we tolerate". Well, I tolerated a LOT!

Now, that doesn't absolve him from all he did. What it did was make me see that we were both dysfunctional (though I didn't have a clue at the time...I thought I was loving and patient).

Now (in hindsight), there are still things that rare up my anger, but then I realize....he was totally a jacka$$ and I stayed. Time and time again.

I am not downplaying your anger. Anger served me VERY well in the beginning. Then I learned more. I have THREE XABF's. One is married to a woman he cheated on me with (and I allowed it) and she's a far worse codie then I ever was. Another is dead from our mutual addiction (turned to drugs to "deal" with the inability to make things work). Another...have no idea, but probably still using or dead.

I'm just giving you something to think about. NONE of us deserve to be treated badly. However, I kept letting him treat me that way and I finally realized....me staying and putting up with it was my choice. Therefore, I have to accept the consequences.

Just some food for thought.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

EverHopeful721

Thanks for your post, Impurrfect. It really helps put things in perspective for me. It's just so true how, in our codie minds, we just keep thinking if we love them enough and change ourselves enough that they will finally love us the way we so desperately want them to. Wow, it's so hard to look at ourselves and admit this stuff...

vicswife

I really appreciate finding this forum last night. I feel a lot better today. I know I need to let go of the anger and sadness. I know that he's not the man I once loved, the drugs changed him and even after rehab he will probably never be the man I once loved again.

I think of all that we had at one time and it's hard to believe that some pills took it all away it's also hard to believe that I put up with it for so long

Thank you to each of you.