anxiouswife

I am so pissed, and so sad at the same time.
I am so grateful he has decided to be brave and get treatment, but I still feel abandoned.
I have a 2 year old sleeping right now who is my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, and he couldn't find any good enough reason to stop taking pills.
He lied to doctors to get anything he could - Xanax, Percocet.
He lied to me every chance he got. He had the flu 5x in a month, spent weekends in bed, lost all interest in everything that we used to love to do.
Went to the "store" or to "get gas" and would be gone for 2 hours at a time.
Spent more than $2000 in a month on pills and left me this morning, with $165.00 in his bank account.
He swears he will be better. I want to throw up everytime I see something about how "relapse is part of the process" because I don't think I can do this ever again. What have I committed to? I am sad, for my daughter mostly, but for me too. I feel like someone died, honestly, and the crying & not being able to sleep at night feels like it will never end.
He's at Cornerstone Recovery center in Tennessee. 5 states away.
I miss him. and hate him at the same time.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry you are feeling such a barrage of emotions right now. Hopefully some peaceful time will allow you the opportunity to begin the process of unraveling it.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

anxiouswife

Thank you. I am lost.

EverHopeful721

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Please continue to post and vent here - there are many others in the same situation you're in. While your husband is away, please try to focus solely on you and your daughter, as there is nothing you can do to help your husband through his recovery - he must do that on his own. So take this time to put the two of you first. ((hugs))

allforcnm

I understand some of those feelings. It was a year ago when my husband came home and asked for help, and started his journey of recovery. Lots of emotions running wild, and I had an infant at the time. I was looking at the website for the rehab you mentioned, and it looks like they have some family programs. Do you think you will be able to attend any of the sessions? My husbands rehab was out of state too. I made a lot of trips there, but also worked with one of their family therapists by using skype part of the time. I am incredibly grateful for their support; helped me so much. So dont forget to check into the rehab's resources for yourself.

choner11

Sorry anxiouswife that you are going through this. I too am going through the same thing right now but my AXBF is only about an hour and a half away. I hate this feelin of hurt, i just want to give in so i dont have to feel this way, but i know it will change nothing :'( i hope the future days get easier for you...

Sara21

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know what you mean when you say you miss him and hate him at the same time. I asked my husband to move out because of his continued drug use. Yes, it gets lonely sometimes but it's also been peaceful. I have peace in my home and peace in my life. I've been able to get a full nights rest, which is something I was unable to do while he was here.

It's so easy to allow our lives to revolve around our addict and their addiction. I agree with others who say to take this time to work on YOUR recovery. Try to do some fun things with your daughter and take care of yourself.

Hugs

anxiouswife

I actually stayed up the better part of the night reading all the links, documents, etc. that they have available.. it was kind of terrifying, but very insightful. I am so thankful for THIS place, as real life experiences are the best way to relate, I think. They have a family fundamentals weekend. Which i am nervous about attending. I can't call the place without bawling when i hear that hes not feeling well, etc..so i find it hard to believe having to face him right now wouldn't cause the same amount of tears and heartache. I'm assuming that it is recommended to go, though, right?

anxiouswife

Thank you so much.
I hate the feeling of having ZERO control. This is character building, is what i keep telling myself anyway.

EverHopeful721

Yes, it may be character building, but unfortunately, that doesn't make it ANY easier for us to have to go through. I'm actually having an emotional week this week - it started last Friday and has carried on through today. It's been almost 7 weeks since my XA dumped me, and I thought I was doing much better, but this week has been a very sad one for me. I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow to work through some more stuff so that I can eventually let it go. Hang in there, AW....we're all here with you, walking in spirit!!

HopeSpringsToo

I'm sorry that you are feeling sad. Maybe try and look at it as an opportunity to just focus on you and your child, do fun things! I wish I had had the time to do that when my husband was at inpatient, but between myself getting sick, work, and then the kids both getting sick back to back, there was no time for really anything other than the usual routine.

I would highly recommend going to the family program. It really was a very profound experience for me.

allforcnm

It helped me to get involved with my husbands rehab, but all of them are different in what they offer for family, and how much involvement you have in the whole process. I know it is difficult when the rehab isnt local... I would suggest calling and talking to them about the weekend event. How often do they hold this, will it be standard info, group meetings where you can meet with other families and talk, will there be some individual counseling for you, etc. Then make your decision based on all the factors.

When my husband was first in rehab, I remember visiting him and he was still very unsettled, anxious, and the talk was all about him and his feelings, small complaints about the rehab, etc. The doctor had already prepped me for this, and he said it was normal, not to take it personally because this was just where he was at with his emotions, and his physical recovery. The doctor told me to keep converstaion light, and to not get into any issues, or anything that required deep thinking or decisions. He was right about all of it. We still had good visits, and Im glad I spent time with him. In our case, I also took our son to visit but understand he was only an infant and it had no negative impact on him; confusion, or anything like that.

I know its difficult to think of the pain both physical and emotional, but it is necessary for part of their recovery. Dealing with emotions and coming to terms with what happened in the time he was actively using has been the most challenging for my husband. Those same emotions were necessary for me also. I needed to feel all those things and work through them in order to get to the other side. The biggest help I had in all that came through working with my therapist, and slowly moving forward through all of it.

Recovery for both of you will probably be a long process, so keep that in mind and pace yourself.

anxiouswife

I have been informed that the family weekend is 3 weeks from now. They feel it is best to wait that long for him to get some grounding there, and I agree.
The suggested bringing my daughter but I refuse, and believe it will be better for her to really get her "new" routine underway rather than do the 8 hours of travel - to just haveto leave him again.
I really appreciate the input. I have probably driven those people crazy today by calling 5 times asking questions that I forget about before I hang up the phone the time before. From what I hear, he is uncomfortable, even with the detox meds and I am almost glad for it... I hope it is a reminder of a place he does not want to be again.

anxiouswife

It is so good to know we're not alone...I know how that feels. one minute I feel like I get a little bit of footing and the next im bawling because im folding his damn clothes and im so mad that im STILL doing everything I can here, to take care of him, when he's done anything but take care of me. I wish you a better week. And yes, a therapist.. I NEED one of those!

EverHopeful721

Yes, this forum has been a Godsend for me....I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found such a wonderful place to come and vent and talk with others who know exactly what I'm talking about. And therapy has helped me SO MUCH these past few weeks - my therapist is awesome.

I also hope it gets better for you, AW - keep coming here to post and vent as often as you need to, as it REALLY does help. And give that sweet baby lots of hugs and kisses!!

anxiouswife

i made an appt with a counselor today.
i am both looking forward to it and nervous. i know this sounds ridiculous but it seems kind of embarrassing to me to have to spill all of this for other people. like it makes me seem like an irresponsible mom, or someone who condones drugs themselves, to have a husband who is the way he is? i just find it to be the exact opposite of everything i thought our lives represented - a good one - a nice house, a close family, good jobs, etc.
i know it might be my pride talking - but is this normal?

EverHopeful721

So glad to hear you made an appt, AW - that's great news! It's perfectly normal to be nervous and to think that you're going to be 'judged,' but trust me, that's not what they are there to do. They are there to help us work through our current situation, understand why we made the choices/decisions that got us to this point and give us tools to use in the future so it doesn't happen again. And believe me, they've heard it ALL and then some!! I don't think there's anything you can say that is going to 'shock' them or make them think differently of you. Don't be embarrassed or feel bad - they're there to help!

allforcnm

I think its a good thing to try. I had the same type of feelings before I went to see the therapist for the first time. I had never done anything like that, and it seemed very invasive, and strange. I couldnt imagine ever getting comfortable talking about my life and worse my feelings to a stranger. But, she was a professional and EverHopeful is right; most have heard it all. I also had feelings of how did this happen to my family. Until my husband became addicted to prescribed pain meds, there were never any issues with substances, or major problems of any kind. It took me a while to realize I had actually been in a state of shock for a while. It got easier after a few visits, and she became more like a friend. I would say though, there are differences in people, if you dont feel a connection after a couple of visits, then look for another person.

choner11

Anxiouswife, it just goes to show that addiction doesnt discriminate. It can happen to the best of people, and even to the people that have everything, like yourself. Fortunately for your family, his addiction hasnt taken all of your precious belongings...car, home etc. Some people arent as fortunate. Im also glad you made yourself an appointment. I received a letter in the mail that was a "Significant Other Questionnaire" to be returned to the rehab my XAB is at. Theres a family group at the end of this month, im nervous myself to have others hear about our problems. Good luck!

neferkamichael

Anxiouswife, this is the kind of thread that makes me feel quilty for having been an addict all my life. Though I never married and had kids the damage an addict does is just unbelieveable and truthfully unforgiveable. I pray he turns back into a human being, but you should prepare for the worse. One thing for sure never let him or anybody else blame you for him being an addict. Please put you and your child first forever. Rootin for ya.