Others finding out

Old 04-16-2013, 04:56 PM
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Others finding out

So now my husband is out of the house.

It has been 4 days.

It is a relief to just be in my own place of calm.

But now I am isolating from my friends bc I don't want to tell them what's going on.

I hadn't told them what was going on before and now that he's gone I still don't want to tell them.

This weekend is a wedding reception and he will not be coming with me.

Eventually people will find out he's not around.

I have not been lying for him or about him -- just saying he couldn't make it to whatever the thing was where I was and he wasn't.

The situation makes me uncomfortable - and reminds me of trying to protect my dad when he was inappropriate with me as a kid. So I'm being that much more triggered and probably irrational.

I feel a sense of responsibility an loyalty to my husband to protect his anonymity too.

Not saying it's the healthiest -- just saying that's where I'm at.

Gossip can spread fast in my community and I guess I'm trying to postpone it, but know it can't go like that much longer without me have to lie which also does not feel good.

Experiences? Strength? Hope?

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Old 04-16-2013, 05:00 PM
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How to say truth without getting into unnecessary details and also respecting our privacy as a couple?

In addition to wanting to protect his anonymity, I too don't want to be gossiped about or questioned ya know?

Personal lives are personal.

And I'm just learning how to be a better advocate for myself and not just cave to everyone else -- so I could use some ideas.

Thanks, friends. xo

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Old 04-16-2013, 05:03 PM
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You don't have to "explain" to anyone. If they ask where he is, maybe just say "I came alone tonight" or "he had other plans" and don't let them persist. Just repeat "I came alone" and leave it at that.

It's natural for people to inquire, it's nosy for them to persist.

Stand your ground, hold your head up high and have a wonderful time.

Hugs
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Old 04-16-2013, 05:06 PM
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But now I am isolating from my friends bc I don't want to tell them what's going on.
I understand what you're feeling. I really, really do. And you are under no obligation to tell everyone you know what's going on.

What I would encourage you to do is share what is going on with those that are really, truly close to you and those you are safe with. Otherwise, you just isolate yourself to the point where you're out there on an island and you've got no one to turn to when things get really, really rough. With the way things go with addiction, that could happen.

None of us are islands, ShineBright. Not me, not you, not anyone on this board. Self-imposed isolation, long-term, isn't healthy.

Think about it.

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Old 04-16-2013, 05:06 PM
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Sending gentle hugs of support your way. It's hard but you are strong and resilient.

gentle hugs
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Old 04-16-2013, 05:06 PM
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I found saying the truth to be very freeing because I had become as sick as my secret. What I found amazing was how many people opened up to me about their own secrets. We are not alone!
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Old 04-16-2013, 05:45 PM
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Remember this: Most people that are asking are only inquiring politely. In the same way we say "How are you today?" We don't expect a great deal of detail in response to these questions.

You can respond with "He couldn't make it tonight. How are you?"

You don't owe anyone this information, so just tell people when you are ready. At some point you might like everyone to know so that you don't have to deal with questions. When that time comes you might enlist a close friend to explain simply "Shinebright and Joe have parted ways. She prefers not to discuss it right now so I am letting you know in order to avoid any awkward conversation."

When people ask you questions you don't like AFTER the cat is out of the bag you can just politely say "Oh, that's not something I'm up for talking about right now. I'm sure you understand. Tell me how you are doing?"

Until then you just say as little as possible. My grandmother was a piece of work and people would ask me about her sometimes. We're from the South, I wouldn't have said "She's most likely a sociopath." to friends that inquired. I would smile really big and say "Oh, she's the same as ever! Thank you for asking." and that was that. Even the people that had some inkling that something was amiss wouldn't keep pushing.

If you are pressured after indicating you don't wish to discuss you can raise your eyebrows and say "I'm sure you don't mean to pry, and I really appreciate you respecting my privacy right now." Or just say nothing at all and get away fast.

You won't get nearly as many questions as you anticipate.

You can keep a list of other major and minor topics on hand to use for changing the subject: "Doesn't the bride look beautiful?"
"Aren't these canape's delicious. Did I say that right? I never know how to pronounce that." Or some other distracting nonsense.
"I am so sorry, I see Mary Ellen over there and I must speak to her about something before I forget."
"Have you found the ladies room?"

Also just remember you are not the first nor shall you be the last in these shoes.

((((Hugs))))
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:27 PM
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I struggle this as well in regards to my son. There are some who I know genuinely care. Others...not so much and I know are asking for curiosities sake. To them I simply ask..."why do you ask?" I like all of the suggestions above as well and plan on "borrowing" a few. It's a very self protective place we find ourselves...truly a balancing act. I think you are going to have a great time at this function. Dress yourself to the nines...wear your prettiest smile and they'll all be too dumbstruck to ask anything! Yeah...that's the ticket!!
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Old 04-17-2013, 05:29 AM
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Don't feel ashamed for him. He dug his own hole let him explain his way out. like someone else said just say he had other plans or couldnt make it. You have every right to be happy and live your life free.
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Old 04-17-2013, 06:10 AM
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Shinebright, you are at a very courageous place, and have a made a decision that is very healthy and important for you. Congratulations!

For me, when I left my AH, even though I knew his abusive alcoholism and other addictions were causing me great damage, I still had a huge amount of loyalty to him, which persisted even when I knew he was bad for me. That was the next challenge - to free myself emotionally. And that takes time and a protective cocoon while you're doing it. You will get there!

Right now, you've done the most difficult thing of all: you've extracted your life from his grip and chosen to go on your own path and heal.

It is very early days, and you need to protect yourself in any and every way that feels important. I can fully understand not wanting to talk about where he is, and that seems very wise not to get caught in extended conversations at a social event.

Hanna, Zoso, Ann, they have some great suggestions about how to handle going to the wedding reception. I love the sample answers here.

I'd second the idea of telling someone you are really close to. You need and deserve all the support in the world, and you get to choose when you want to engage that support. Do you have a dear friend or relative who will be going to the event who you can talk to before hand and will act as your "wingman" to deflect people who ask? And, you can duck out of the reception whenever you want. You might take your own car so you are free to leave when you want to.

Remember, you never have to answer a question just because someone asked it!

Now is a good time to start lining up support for yourself - dear friends who can stand with you and comfort you, Alanon, counseling, whatever appeals to you. Your loyalty now belongs to YOU, and you only.

You don't have to live in a world of silence because his behavior is so bad that you can't admit what it is like to live with him. I was there, and it is freeing to be done with that burden of protecting someone else from the consequences of their bad behavior. I was very surprised, when I did choose to talk to people, at how much more aware they had been of his behavior than I thought. But the timing to engage or not engage others in what is going on in your life belongs to you.

Take care, come here often, I found a world of supportive souls and that made a world of difference to me.

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Old 04-17-2013, 06:39 AM
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This is just my experience. My community is small and my AH and I are popular. He coached Little League for years, was our church youth pastor, etc.

When I first found out about his addiction, I told my mom and very closest friends. Later, he resented me for that. But, that was what I needed. I needed to be able to talk to someone who was on "my side" and wasn't trying to do damage control for him while "counseling" me.

As the years went on, and his addiction got worse, I found it very thearputic (sp?) to tell ANYONE I wanted about what was going on. It was my life too and I was sick and tired of hiding it from everyone. Our whole town now knows and quite frankly I don't think it would help his recovery to have to live a lie (of being the town Golden Boy).

The choice is up to you about who you want to tell and when. It's your life too.
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Old 04-17-2013, 07:29 AM
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I realized at some point I was hiding my son's issues because I thought it reflected very poorly on me.

Pride is one of the big 7 for a reason.

Once I got past it, it was a huge weight off my shoulders, and like LMN said, it does seem to make others want to share their own family stories.

I don't offer it up and I don't go into great detail. Since most people close to me know, I can tell them how great his recovery is going. I usually get to talk about my codie issues and what I've done to work on them.

Questioning is easy to deal with and gossip can't be controlled.
It really doesn't matter what "they" think. "They" have their own skeletons.
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Old 04-17-2013, 11:29 AM
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Thanks, All ((hugs))

Your replies mean a lot to me. You've given me a lot to think about and some very good practical ideas for how I can handle the situation. Thank you so much.

I'm definitely gonna get dressed up and have fun and enjoy myself and enjoy my friends! The party is at a beautiful fancy hotel downtown and it's going to be a night of great memories for sure.

I'll be sure to read this thread again before I head out this weekend too.
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Old 04-17-2013, 12:19 PM
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It's kind of ironic because I was in such denial and very ignorant about addiction. I thought I didn't know anyone who was an addict. I knew a few people I assumed had "drinking problems."

At one point, I had such shame about our "little secret." What I have discovered over and over again is addiction has long tentacles. Once I was began being honest with myself and then others, I realized I had yet to meet a person unaffected by addiction, in one form or another. Very sad but very real.

And for those who judge or gossip....are most likely the ones hiding the biggest secrets of all. IMO
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:34 PM
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it's helping me to re-read this thread...
Just today I got a call from a friend inviting my husband and me to a fancy dinner party downtown tomorrow tonight for some high level people in our community.

The wedding reception for the same people is tomorrow, but this is the pre-party for a much more exclusive group of people.

My husband knew about the main party on Saturday, but since I kicked him out last Friday and we aren't talking, I doubt he got his tux ordered and will be ready for Saturday night. So I have been planning on going to that event without him all week as mentioned earlier in this thread...

But getting invited to this Friday party has made me want to contact him.

I wanna say:

Let's just go to this party together on Friday night and then go back to not talking. OKAY!?

LOL

It feels like it would be so much easier for ME.

Not to have two back to back high-profile events that he just happens to not be able to attend?

One party. Okay.

Missing two? Ridiculous given the nature of these parties and who they are for.

As well as the fact that his only "obligation" is a part-time job at a retail store.

If it wasn't this situation of my having kicked him out and this came up, he could certainly get someone to cover his shift.

But now he's just going to be absent at both parties?

Plus, I'm the one who received the phone call for BOTH of us to attend and now I'm not even going to pass that invitation on to him so he could go if he wanted to?

That feels off.

Not to mention the fact that I miss him. A lot.

And he sent me a text today: i miss you

Which of course tugs at my heart strings...and simultaneously bothers me because he's been working with a sponsor who is going to take him through the steps and the first thing he decides to write me is "i miss you" which is still all about him?

I guess I'm secretly hoping that he'll work some steps and get in touch with me saying: something like:

"I get why you kicked me out. You don't want to have to wonder when I'm going to start using again. I can understand why you did that and I do have some stuff I need to figure out."

But nope.

That's not the message he sent. He sent: i miss you.

I wish when I got the invitation call that I would have asked her to call and invite my husband too --

But that wouldn't have made sense in context why I didn't/wouldn't just tell him myself.

Oh the layers of all of this!

It's like I make one positive step in the right direction and while it does give way to some serenity, it also gives way to a lot more confusion and angst too.

Main things on the table:

- It feels wrong for him not to even know that he's invited to this special party and that it's my fault that he won't know.

- I wish we could just put the not seeing each other and not talking on hold for a night so we can go enjoy and celebrate with our friends and connect a little bit.

I'm going to call my sponsor.

I think I know that I can not invite him to this party with me, but like I said, it feels off and unsettled within me.

Ack!
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Faithlove View Post
This is just my experience. My community is small and my AH and I are popular. He coached Little League for years, was our church youth pastor, etc.

When I first found out about his addiction, I told my mom and very closest friends. Later, he resented me for that. But, that was what I needed. I needed to be able to talk to someone who was on "my side" and wasn't trying to do damage control for him while "counseling" me.

As the years went on, and his addiction got worse, I found it very thearputic (sp?) to tell ANYONE I wanted about what was going on. It was my life too and I was sick and tired of hiding it from everyone. Our whole town now knows and quite frankly I don't think it would help his recovery to have to live a lie (of being the town Golden Boy).

The choice is up to you about who you want to tell and when. It's your life too.
my thoughts exactly. The only difference is substitute youth pastor for music leader.
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Old 04-18-2013, 02:28 PM
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delete

Last edited by wicked; 04-18-2013 at 02:36 PM. Reason: delete
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Old 04-18-2013, 08:00 PM
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Thanks, Wicked. I did delete. And I sat in meditation about this after talking with some of my Al Anon aunties...

I am not going to tell him about the additional party invitation and I am not going to spend more time thinking about him.

This whole thing today showed me how easily I am still distracted by thoughts of him and how I so easily get sucked back into my codependent ways.

I realized that I am particularly triggered around my husband and worrying about his feelings because it is reminding me of the pattern with my dad from when I was a kid and was worried about disappointing him.

It sounds easy enough to get over at the surface level, but this is one of my core wounding areas and it runs deep for sure.

I am afraid of losing my husband's pleasure and approval and I was afraid of losing my father's as well.

But I need to STOP making the men in my life more important than I am.

It's really robbing me of my serenity.

Honestly I feel so much better when I don't even think about my husband...

Blocks of time where i am focused on something else are such a relief and are so needed.

So I'm going to see if I can steer my mind back to the serenity prayer, or to the steps when I start thinking about him.

I want to think about things that are helpful for me and that feel good -- not him which makes me feel anxious and scared and helpless and a combination of other things.

Even in my responses here, I am going to see what it's like not to talk about my husband.

This is MY place for RECOVERY.

And I don't have to talk about him to recover.

I need to talk about myself and the program and the steps.

So that's where I'm at tonight.

Thank you for putting up with my flip flopping and rambling sharings.

It helps to talk things out here and hear opinions sometimes.

Even when sometimes I feel stupid for doing it and embarrassed by what comes out of me onto the screen.

xo
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Old 04-18-2013, 08:34 PM
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Even when sometimes I feel stupid for doing it and embarrassed by what comes out of me onto the screen.
I admire your ability to share the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I had a post that was a lot of BS. I think the post I deleted was about your husband too!

But I need to STOP making the men in my life more important than I am.
I hear you! I have to remind myself often that I am the most important person in my life. I am the one that deserves my undivided attention. Think of the power.
Throwing all the support of a life long codependent at myself.

Will i become overwhelmed? Okay, I am getting silly now.
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Old 04-18-2013, 09:01 PM
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Wicked that idea, giving ourselves the kind of support we give others, made me smile. Can you imagine what we could accomplish with someone like ourselves behind us?
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