findingmyslf

I just don't get it how do you detach with love?? I start to detach myself but I can only do it without love? Am I doing this wrong???

Gabe

Hey findingmyslf,
Detachment with love was a hard concept for me to grasp as well. I think I learned it better in regards to my children, and not the A's in my life.
The way I see it, when you love someone, you have to let them go to make or break life on their own.
This is where I struggled with detachment with my A's. The codependent in me balked at this concept big time. That codependent person said "NO! NO! If you love someone, you pick up their broken pieces and mend them. If you love someone, you keep on accepting their unacceptable behaviors because you are their saving grace. If you love someone, you're always there for them, no matter what they do."
Believe me when I tell you that it took me a long time to put a sock in her mouth. Because for the me I have become, that is not a healthy way to love someone at all.
It is only when we release these people, in a loving way...that they can find their way back to themselves. As long as we keep enabling them, they have an excuse to continue failing.
It really is a gift of love to to quit getting in between them and their road to recovery. However long it takes them.
I was used to hanging on tightly. It took time, and God's help to make me learn to let go.
Peace,
Gabe

Ann

Gabe just said it so very well!! With me, my son is my addict, and because I loved him I tried for years to guide him, encourage him and to save him. I let him move home many times, and it was a disaster each time for both of us, I bailed him out of jail once, and I always cushioned his fall so he didn't get hurt too badly. That enabled him and prolonged his addiction and it took me a long time to recognize and accept that, even though I didn't like it.

So when I stopped doing for him what he should have been doing for himself, when I stopped the emotional drama at my end and when I just let him go on his own to find his own way (detached with love), he found recovery. He knew I loved him, he also knew I would no longer live in his addiction.

He recently relapsed after 9 months clean, and this time I am fine and he is finding his own way back again. Now that is detaching with love on both of our parts.

Hugs
Ann

Ladybugg

Findingmyself,
IMO, sometimes you have to detatch in any way you can. If you are continually being hurt and the relationship is not meeting your needs then you have to do something.
If you can't do it with love right now-then so be it.
Just remember you have needs too and it is not all about his drinking.
He has to take care of him and you have to take care of you.
Keep practicing you'll get it.
Take-Care...Lady

McKrazy

for me, I can detach in love when I think, "here's your chance to be a grown up". I just started realizing how much he's missed and still missing because he's never realized how fun it is to actually be a grown up and make responsible decisions, and have people count on him and respect that part of him. He's a great funny and charming guy. He holds a respectable career and does a great job, but he can't leave the house, go to the store and return...... it's hard to fathom how tempting the alcohol must be to grab him during that 10 minute drive and ....... well, just not let go for a whole day!!! So much of life he's missed! I can feel badly, and I can decide that to allow myself to be a part of this depressing cycle is evil on my part. I can decide that my part has allowed it to continue possibly longer than it might have if I had never stepped in and tried to "help". I can choose to live the kind of life that I was made for and let him figure his out and want so badly for him to do just that. But I finally know that I can't make any of this happen, and I have to step away even to just continue loving him with no resentment. That's how I think about it. Hope you come to a resolution for yourself. Take care,
Pam

JT

When I began recovery it was a confusing time and "detaching with love" was one of my stumbling blocks too. For some time I pulled back and not in a loving way. The compassion came later.

Whether you do it perfectly is not as important as just doing it. It is a new behavior so you are going to make mistakes. As long as you know that and learn from them you keep moving forward.

Hugs,
JT

Lorelai

I agree entirely with JT. I had to step back from the situation I was in before I could see it with loving eyes. I was so hurt and so focused on all of the things he had "done" to me, that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Once I found myself again, it was easier to look past all the things he'd done and look at him as a person who I loved very much who had a problem.
L

karenh

I don't think I can detach and live with him. It is too hard to be followed around the house and try to keep things as calm as possible for the kids. Maybe I gave up too early. Maybe it's just something I cannot do. I was struggling with the idea of moving back in with him for financial and some emotional reasons but realized that I was getting too worked up at just the thought of it even though it's a couple months away before my lease is up. I also had to re-think the emotional reasons of moving back in with him since he really is not emotionally there for me (or my kids) because of the drinking. If you figure out how to detach with love while living with the A please let me in on it. I don't understand how to do it either!

StandingStrong

I think that this has to be one of the hardest things to understand and practice! I know that I, too, didn't understand how in the world a person could detach with love. And honestly, though I tried repeatedly, I finally just gave up and had my A husband move out.
It was after he moved out and I had some time (months) to deal with all the feelings that I had going on, that I've finally become a bit better at it. Not sure that I could live my life with him though, still trying to decide on that one. But my point is that I don't think this ever comes easily for anyone. So don't feel alone.
Sorry I don't have more to offer you but I"m sending you (((hugs))) as I know how hard this is. Hopefully someone can offer you some suggestions or opinions. I know that you have to work on yourself and not let their actions affect you, but we all know that is easier said than done.

jessieandme2003

I am just way too codependent to be able to detach with love. I ahve so much to work on about me before I could ever reach that point and stay living with and married to my AH. In my case I had to choose not to be together, because it wasn't helping either of us to be together.

All I can say is if you keep learning here and working the program you will reach a point where your happiness is not dependent on what they do or don't do. That seems to be the goal of the detachment thing.

I have a long way to go before I find that, I still am far too focused on how other people make me feel instead of how I make me feel.

Al Anon helps us work on us.