KKE

Hi there

Just wondered if anyone could help me to understand this concept and share any experiences with me. I am not sure if my partner is behaving like a dry drunk or if he is simply being an a**. Perhaps both?

Thank you

Ann

KKE, sometimes it takes time for someone recently off substance to find their balance and peace. It's an emotional time for them and support groups are great at helping them work through these times.

Sometimes we find that all the things we blamed on substance abuse, are still there when they put the drug or bottle down.

After a few months of true sobriety, we either see a better person...or we don't. That's a better time to decide if we want to be part of this person's life or not.

Hope you find better days ahead.

Hugs

bigsombrero

I've heard a few uses for "dry drunk". To me, it means behaving just like you did when you were an addict - without the drugs and alcohol. When I first got out of inpatient treatment, I flew home by myself to Chicago and back to my apartment where I live alone. I spent weeks on the couch, sitting there with a glass of water on the arm of the couch...the only difference in my behavior was that the glass did not contain alcohol. Luckily I snapped out of it - a change of scenery and life philosophies was in order. In my experience, early in sobriety emotions are all over the place. It does take time to realize all the changes you need to make - when you are starting your life over from scratch the mountain can seem insurmountable at first. With time comes perspective, then comes action. Alas it's not a quick fix. Hope that helps - good luck!

KKE

Thank you. My partner has now been sober for around a month. At first it was like a completely new person but over the last week he's become bit more irritable and even tried to blame me for something ridiculous the other day. He said he needed space and wouldn't be home for a couple of hours. I asked if everything was ok and he was like "I'm just fed up of you wanting to cuddle me all the time!!" Like him being in a bad mood was my fault for being loving!!

He's attending AA which is great but it feels like EVERYTHING is about him and how he feels and what's going on with him. Just upset me to hear his blaming cr*p again and being at the brunt of his irritability again.

shinebright7

Do you go to Al Anon meetings, KKE?

There is a little booklet that I picked up at one of my meetings called Living with Sobriety. It's a red booklet. It talks about how once they get into recovery and are sober, it doesn't mean that everything is rainbows and daisies...there's a lot that is still there to deal with. So it helps us navigate that time.

There are also two sections in the AA big book that I've found helpful: Chapter 8 called To Wives....and Chapter 9 The Family Afterward.

I don't know your story, so maybe you're already going to meetings and have access to these materials, but you can definitely Google the AA Big Book chapters and find them online.

Hang in there and keep focusing on you and your healing. xo

KKE

I have been to meetings before but i really need to start going again. Just been a bit lazy and i guess i find them quite sad......

My BF has the AA books at home so i will deffo look at those chapters tonight.

Thank you

Hanna

I don't think someone saying they need space is dry drunk behavior. We've all got a right to our space and some people truly need it more than others. What we perceive as loving might not always feel loving to someone else, but more about meeting our own needs. It would be better if he said what he needed before he got irritable, though. Ever read the 5 languages of love?

On my side, I had to learn to pay attention and heed people's non-verbal cues, unrelated to addiction. It's not something I was taught to do socially as a child, because my parents frequently ignore people's non-verbal cues. If someone is sending out a back off vibe and we don't back off, we often get stung. Needing space doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.


When they are getting clean it is all about them, in my experience. They are healing. Focus on your own healing and yourself. Be selfish, too. It's healthy to do this during this time.

Chantilly

Hi KKE,

I just read ur posts, and I can completely relate to how u feel and what your going through.I just wanted to wish you well and hope things will improve over time for the both of you. All the best Chantilly

Livingtoday

My understanding of dry drunk...as I was told is being sober without the support of meetings. I'm not sure to this day what that means as it relates to sobriety.

KKE

Hey

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It wasn't that he needed space, sorry I might not have articulated myself well there, it was the irritability when I asked if he was ok and feeling like I was being blamed again when he said it was me wanting to hug him that was making him angry. Perhaps I can learn from the experience and try to understand that when he said he needed space to not question it.

In the last week I've just seen a change in his behaviour and I remembered the term dry drunk but didn't quite understand it.

Thanks again

KKE

Thank you

KKE

Ah ok.... That's a bit different to what I thought. So does that mean if you go to AA you don't get dry drunk symptoms?

Hanna

Yeah, I thought it was probably more than that. But I would take him at his word and give him space. Time will tell what else is going on.

I don't believe that someone sober and not attending AA meetings is necessarily a dry drunk, though I know some people do define it that way.

My personal definition is someone that is angry, resentful, selfish and self-centered and not getting help is a dry drunk. Even if alcohol was never the way they medicated their anger. I have a relative that exhibits all these symptoms but is not a big drinker. He's responsible but always at odds with the world.

AnvilheadII

ARE you perhaps clingy and overly affectionate?

KKE

Wouldn't call myself clingy, I see my friends have a life beyond my relationship and encourage him to do so too. I don't get in the way of him doing what he wants to do without me.

Overly affectionate, yes, I suppose I am. IMO I guess I'm trying to be caring and nurturing etc. But yeah, I suppose for some people it's a bit much. Hard to take a step back and look at yourself at times isn't it?

Hanna

I think that is because we naturally express love in the ways that we most like to receive it.

wicked

I am sorry you are hearing his blaming KKE.
His bad mood is his problem. He can need space without blaming you.

One month is very early in recovery for anyone. When I stopped drinking, it was after 20 years. after one month, I was still seeing little black floaties.

Do you have a program of recovery? I cannot stress enough that you take care of yourself. I started to believe at a young age that I was responsible for other people's emotions. This faulty reasoning kept me in a bad place for a long time.

With your own program, everything is about you.

Beth

KKE

It's funny you should say that. I always think "why doesn't he care for me the way I care for him?". Almost like my way of doing it is the right way, bit mental when I think about it.

You should see how affectionate I am with my cat! He gets loads of kisses and cuddles! Even he gets fed up and gives me a disapproving meow then takes himself off out! Lol!

wicked

Wow, KKE it is so hard to look at ourselves.
What a brave and honest post.
Thank you for being here and sharing your journey.

Beth

KKE

Black floaties? Is that common? Why did that happen?

I go to the gym and I go on here and try and learn from others. I should go back to al anon really......