my head is spinning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
my head is spinning
This is my first post. I may ramble a bit so bear with me. My husband and I have been dealing with our AAS for more than 3 years. We are retired teachers so have dealt with problems many years with many children. AAs has been drinking heavily for at least 10 years. The last 4 years have been the worst. Married with 2 young children then divorced 2 years ago. My DIL moved to our town with the 2 kids and we are helping raise them. She gets no or sporadic child support. AAS has been in a very toxic relationship for the past 2 years, someone he met in treatment. This relationship has involved the law severe times. The last time ended with him having charges against him and trial is in 2 months. He is a depressed individual and binges when things are overwhelming. I know this is what A's do. Problem is when he binges, he calls husband and me for support and advice. Of course he doesn't take it. I have refused to talk to him when he is drinking. During this latest binge when I spoke to him b4 I realized he was drunk, AAS was degrading me more than usual. I thought I had learned detachment but apparently need more practice. Since I won't speak to him on the phone, AAS has begun calling my cell and texting as well as using email. I totally lost it last night. If I didn't help with the 4 and 9 year old children, I would be a bit more able to express my feelings to my DH. He takes the brunt of AAS because he will talk to him sometimes. This weekend we both cut off all communication with AAS. It is driving him more nuts. Recently I told him it was his problem and he has to handle it. Didn't go over well. For a few months AAS has seem his children once a week but it isn't consistent.
Over the past couple of years AAS has spent time in an inpatient program, twice, outpatient programs, too many to count, individual counseling, group counseling and on and on. I know until he is wiling nothing will help.
I have gone to AlAnon and read their books as well as your site. My DH is a great support.
AAs blames every one and everything. I realize the death of his younger brother had a horrible impact on him but he still can deal with it years later. Now he blames his drinking on my father's death 2 years ago at age 89. He blames his divorce when in fact his drinking caused the divorce. Everyone and everything but accepting responsibility himself.
I guess I am saying this latest binge and this past weekend with the messages he left for us was a tipping point for me. Lost it. He keeps saying we are not supporting him WE have supported him emotionally, financially, etc for the past several years. There is a fine line between support and detachment.
ASS had his own very successful business but clients are few and far between at this point. He still won't give up the ghost of his business. Ego. He says the words I am an Alcoholic but I don't think he has internalized them.
I am trying to remain objective and detached but...
Over the past couple of years AAS has spent time in an inpatient program, twice, outpatient programs, too many to count, individual counseling, group counseling and on and on. I know until he is wiling nothing will help.
I have gone to AlAnon and read their books as well as your site. My DH is a great support.
AAs blames every one and everything. I realize the death of his younger brother had a horrible impact on him but he still can deal with it years later. Now he blames his drinking on my father's death 2 years ago at age 89. He blames his divorce when in fact his drinking caused the divorce. Everyone and everything but accepting responsibility himself.
I guess I am saying this latest binge and this past weekend with the messages he left for us was a tipping point for me. Lost it. He keeps saying we are not supporting him WE have supported him emotionally, financially, etc for the past several years. There is a fine line between support and detachment.
ASS had his own very successful business but clients are few and far between at this point. He still won't give up the ghost of his business. Ego. He says the words I am an Alcoholic but I don't think he has internalized them.
I am trying to remain objective and detached but...
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Lilybud, its sad that you have to put up drunk children. If I had a drunk in my life that was causing those kinds of problems, I would throw them out of my life until they stopped causing problems. Rootin for ya.. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
my head is spinning...part deus
ASS, oops AAS is 43. My younger son died from aneurysm at age 25. I think somehow AAS feels responsible for his brother in life and wasn't able to prevent his death. None of us could. I know AAS has mental problems along with his alcoholism. It is time for him to grow a pair and figure it out on his own.
He resents everything DH and I do for his EX and his children although he keeps saying take care of my kids. His 9 year old son is conflicted about his dad. He was very close to Dad before the divorce and wants to be now but can't understand Dad's emotional highs and lows. No, we don't let AAS visit his children if he is drinking. He must legally have supervised visitation and DH and I are the supervisors. Stressful for us but wonderful for the kids. His sweet 4 year old daughter doesn't have much of a real relationship with Dad. She was too young when all this came down. She has an idea what a dad is but has never really had a dad. Grandpa is the male figure in her life.
I am so tired of the constant turmoil caused by AAS. I just want to continue the close relationship I have with my DIL and enjoy all the time I have with my two wonderful grandchildren.
Oh, when DH and I cut off contact, AAS resorts to contacting my sisters and DH 86 year old mother and drag them into it. I know he has told my youngest sister what a horrible mother I am since I won't talk to him and unfortunately she believes him.
I could go on and on but I know you have all heard it before and have lived it before.
He resents everything DH and I do for his EX and his children although he keeps saying take care of my kids. His 9 year old son is conflicted about his dad. He was very close to Dad before the divorce and wants to be now but can't understand Dad's emotional highs and lows. No, we don't let AAS visit his children if he is drinking. He must legally have supervised visitation and DH and I are the supervisors. Stressful for us but wonderful for the kids. His sweet 4 year old daughter doesn't have much of a real relationship with Dad. She was too young when all this came down. She has an idea what a dad is but has never really had a dad. Grandpa is the male figure in her life.
I am so tired of the constant turmoil caused by AAS. I just want to continue the close relationship I have with my DIL and enjoy all the time I have with my two wonderful grandchildren.
Oh, when DH and I cut off contact, AAS resorts to contacting my sisters and DH 86 year old mother and drag them into it. I know he has told my youngest sister what a horrible mother I am since I won't talk to him and unfortunately she believes him.
I could go on and on but I know you have all heard it before and have lived it before.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Very sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you found this forum. It's a great place to start getting help for dealing with the kind of painful, really horrific things you are describing. As I read what you wrote about your son I was thinking "there are no words to truly describe living like this" and remembering how calm I sounded while living in the midst of agony and chaos.
The sticky posts at the top of the forum are a good source of information. Also, just keep reading and posting here and in other threads on the forum. It helped me tremendously when I first found SR to just know other people were in similar situations and had figured out how to be okay despite it all.
We get through this together. I'm glad you've joined us, but of course wish it wasn't necessary for any of us to be here.
Peace,
Hanna
PS: I have two brothers living, one in recovery and one that needs recovery. We lost a brother unexpectedly at age 17 in a tragic accident, which involved him attempting to save the life of one of our brothers. A few professionals have said they believe the death our brother as a teen is the prevailing issue for both of my surviving brothers. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and the current struggles your other son is going through. It's hard to understand someone throwing away their life when they have seen a loss like this, yet I think it is probably fairly common, especially for men that have survived tragedy, to have trouble overcoming this kind of loss.
The sticky posts at the top of the forum are a good source of information. Also, just keep reading and posting here and in other threads on the forum. It helped me tremendously when I first found SR to just know other people were in similar situations and had figured out how to be okay despite it all.
We get through this together. I'm glad you've joined us, but of course wish it wasn't necessary for any of us to be here.
Peace,
Hanna
PS: I have two brothers living, one in recovery and one that needs recovery. We lost a brother unexpectedly at age 17 in a tragic accident, which involved him attempting to save the life of one of our brothers. A few professionals have said they believe the death our brother as a teen is the prevailing issue for both of my surviving brothers. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and the current struggles your other son is going through. It's hard to understand someone throwing away their life when they have seen a loss like this, yet I think it is probably fairly common, especially for men that have survived tragedy, to have trouble overcoming this kind of loss.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Deflection. It's not me... It's YOU! THIS! THAT! THE OTHER! I didn't cause any of this!
Just went through it and it's tough. You just wish you could SHUT THEM UP! There is no reasoning with them. Stand your ground and hey, while you're at it... let your sister deal with him. She'll eventually see the truth and how messed up he is.
Protect those babies. They need you more than anything!
Just went through it and it's tough. You just wish you could SHUT THEM UP! There is no reasoning with them. Stand your ground and hey, while you're at it... let your sister deal with him. She'll eventually see the truth and how messed up he is.
Protect those babies. They need you more than anything!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
I would and do protect my little Grands with everything I have in me. They mean the world to me and are innocents in all this. Right now they are happy and secure in their lives although 9 year old is a silent worrier and aware of what is going on but doesn't like to talk about his Dad.
In some ways, I hope AAS does go to jail so we all get a mental break. This is taking such a toll on all involved.
In some ways, I hope AAS does go to jail so we all get a mental break. This is taking such a toll on all involved.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, lilybud1307. What a stressful and sad situation. Glad you found us here! Please keep reading, posting and keep coming back!
Being the best Grandmom to those kids sounds to me like the most logical solution, as that you have control over! Everything else...well...not so much.
But those kids need some positive influences in their lives, and I am glad you get to be that.
Prayers to you and your family today,
~T
Being the best Grandmom to those kids sounds to me like the most logical solution, as that you have control over! Everything else...well...not so much.
But those kids need some positive influences in their lives, and I am glad you get to be that.
Prayers to you and your family today,
~T
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