fantail

Hello, question for the experienced sober please...

Does anyone have any advice, cautionary tales, or encouragements about dating in the first year? I know it's meant to be avoided, but of course I'm feeling all great and energetic and sober and meeting lots of new people.

It's still all hypothetical, which is why I'm asking now... I know once I meet someone I like I'll be hard to reason with (AV's cousin? Romance Voice?), so I'm trying to prepare myself in advance.

In your opinion, is dating in the first year a "proceed-with-caution" or an "absolutely-not"? And if I were to try dating, what should I watch out for?

Dib42

My rule is "Don't date until you're married."

But other than that, What are you fears? Is it the drinking? Being judged? Relapsing? etc?

Chuck48

Before my late-20's, I could count the number of alcholic beverages I'd had on one hand. So, I did quite a bit of dating while 100% sober. In fact, most of my dating experience has been sans alcohol. Dating & the potential break-ups aren't a trigger for me, so I have been dating.

If you think you'll have a difficult time socializing with a new person without alcohol, then I'd wait.

If you think you'll have problems explaining why you don't drink, then I'd suggest waiting.

If you think a break-up could throw you back into drinking, then I'd wait.

I'm sure you'll figure out what's right for you.

fantail

Thanks for the replies!

I'm not at all worried about dating sober, being sober around people, etc etc. I'm asking because I've heard it repeated many times that one should not date in their first year sober. I guess what I'm wondering is how important people consider that rule. I'd say there's probably a pretty good chance I won't follow it, so I'd like to know what people's experiences have been.

Edited to add: Not at all worried about the sober part of dating sober, that is. Worried about whether it's too much too soon, etc.

Dib42

That all depends on you... How well have you managed your finances sober? Your life in general? if you have yourself together I don't see any problem in dating. I think when you're trying to learn how to live your life without alcohol and that is your primary focus, then dating isn't a good idea.

Gottalife

I heard that rule. It was two years in my neck of the woods, but even if it was two minutes I doubt if I would have taken any notice. My AA sponsor followed the program and avoided telling me what to do in this regard.

My experience was this. I ignored the rule and learned some painful lessons. But sobriety remained my priority and I did not drink over my mistakes.

When I came to AA I was emotionally stunted, I had an emotional age of 13. Booze had enabled me to avoid adolesence. I was running on instinct- sex, security etc and wouldn't have known an honest feeling if I fell over it. Of course I was completely unaware of this.

Like the pain of recovery, the pain of adolesence cannot be avoided chemically, only postponed, and part of growing up is learning how to relate to the opposite sex, with all the attendant emotions, ups and downs etc.

So I tried to get a social life off the ground and made many mistakes. At one point I was set to get married (about two months sober) so at times I took it to extremes. I had my feelings hurt, picked up one or two huge resentments, tried to manipulate, tried to organise things to suit me, was selfish, inconsiderate, and no doubt hurt a few people in the process.

Far from being risky, the experience created opportunities for emotional growth, and many occasions where the AA program could be applied in a very practical way, moral inventory, admitting when I am wrong, making amends, and having faith.

I suppose the greatest risk would have been in the area of faith/dependence. One lesson I have learnt is that people have feet of clay. They will always let you down. Unhealthy expectations and dependence on other people can lead to disaster when they fall short, as they inevitably will. This applies particularly when sobriety becomes conditional on the relationship.