deathbecomesher

I decided to post here today because I'm so confused about everything. Not only is my H an alcoholic who drinks every day after work until he passes out after becoming annoying and rude...now I have caught him twice in the last few weeks watching pornography at 4 a.m. before he goes to work! Its upsetting because hes passed out at night before our kids even go to sleep and I'm left alone but he can do that at 4 a.m ? Am I stupid to stay married to this person?

dandylion

Dear deathbecomemesher--I think that sex is sometimes used like any thing else--be it alcohol, or food, or gambling, or overworking, etc...... to numb out the feelings of the real world--maybe a distraction from what is really going on.....


dandylion

Tuffgirl

Welcome, deathbecomesher. No, you aren't stupid. You are surviving. There is a big difference between the two!

What you describe is not uncommon. I'm with dandylion in that it is another escape mechanism. And probably also something else to keep him in victim-mode.

I hope you stay around - read the "stickeys" at the top of our home page, maybe try an Al-Anon meeting or two. Just know that today, you don't need to make any immediate life-altering decisions.

Peace,
~T

wiscsober

I am a man who was married to an exAW/SA I know intimately the hurt you may be experiencing.

In Alanon we try to be kind to ourselves and not label or judge our thinking as being stupid or wrong. In a backhanded way we may be blaming ourselves for another one of our spouse's unacceptable behavior.

The Three C's - I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It.

Best to you and may you find peace in all of life's moments

SolTraveler

I know how you feel, DBH. My ABF watches porn during the day because he can't function at night when he is drinking. Of course, I work during the day, so I get nothing. Another way the SO of an A loses!

stella27

Porn is harmful. Lately I find myself becoming more and more angry about how my XAH neglected me and my needs and rejected my overtures in favor of porn.

I have been divorced for almost 4 years and it's a whole new pain lately. Being the spouse or partner of someone who won't engage really, really hurts.

Fathom

My XAH also had an extensive porn library. I wasn't neglected because of it though. He seemed to be a bottomless well of sexual energy. Instead, he used my personal dislike of porn to demean me. I was narrow-minded, conservative, and repressed because I couldn't see passed the non-storylines and shallowness of his favorite movies. I will admit to being inexperienced and naive, but only because I let him make me doubt myself.

Peace,
Fathom

m1k3

I don't know that I would read too much into this. Lots of men like porn and they aren't evil, misogynistic or anything else bad, they are just men and that is the way we are wired.

I like porn on occasion and to me it is no big deal.

Your friend,

thislonelygirl

its funny before everything porn would not have bothered me (in moderation ofcourse...obsession well thats a different story) but i think that when your married to an alcoholic and they have that mistress (which is in more ways than one hinders the relationship severly) but then to add insult to injury....the non existent healthy relationship is even more crippled by another disgusting habbit.
i dont blame you....its disturbing that we put up with their drunkeness and then to add that ontop of it. well who wouldnt blame you? i asked myself the same thing..."and im in this relationship why?" because in the end....where does it leave you and your feelings between the drinking and his poor behaviour?
its terrible but it seems its a common issue for the alcoholic to pick up another dirty habbit and for whatever reason its like clockwork as well like you said

fruitymarzipan

I am a 36 year old woman and have a broad minded view about porn as well. My husband and I are both professional people, my husband has a very high powered job and on rare ocassions he may look at porn, to let off steam, relax or just because he's a man, on very rare occasions, for a laugh I may look with him. We have a wonderfully happy marriage and an excellent sex life, I agree with M1k3 I wouldnt read too much into it, its just something men do!

SadieJack

I don't think this is as much about the porn per se' as it is about the fact that he passes out every night and neglects you and the kids. And then he has the energy to get up early and watch porn. That energy should be directed to your needs as well as the kids. His priorities are very wrong. Sorry you are going through this.

BadCompany

Watching porn is a form of isolation. It is bad for him and has nothing to do with you.

BlueSkies1

He has his agenda. He likes to get snockered, and he likes to *use* porn while everyone else is asleep. He wakes up in the mood.
Without getting into the great porn debate, since opinions vary, I will say that if it is not ok with one partner in a marriage, then it is a marriage issue, not solely a personal choice. Ergo, the feelings of the partner that isn't comfortable with it should be considered as a marital boundary for both partners, just like any other sexual activity. The comfort zones of the less --adventurous--for lack of a better word, need to be recognized.
What I see is a husband that acts alone on his desires. You are not a part of the decision making process, when he is having sex with porn, or when he decides to get hammered, and that he is not available for his family in the evenings.
I've been there. They are two different yet similar issues.
Talk it out. Keep talking. Don't let him shut you down. Don't give up talking about it, keep bringing it up. The worst thing I did was shut my mouth about any of it. You can try to discuss without arguing, that's your best bet. First figure out exactly how you feel and why, so that you can clearly explain to him how it feels to you.
If he doesn't agree, he could hide his porn forever.
Not alcohol, it's too obvious.
You're not crazy to stay married to him IF you can sort these things out. You will make yourself crazy though if you accept what is unacceptable to you.
Two columns. Pros of relationship, cons. That's what you are looking at. Big decisions, painful ones. He is who he is and you can't change him. If talking it out gets you nowhere, then that is who you are married to, not who you want him to be.