How to get over guilt & regrets? (Long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
How to get over guilt & regrets? (Long)
I sacrificed my social life for many, many years in order to get the education and job experience to achieve my dream career. Well, I landed the perfect position about three years ago, and for the first 2.5 years, I was the top performer. Over time, my coworkers have gone from very friendly to somewhat friendly to passive-aggressive and finally to outright aggressive. My higher salary is a result of deep loneliness and a feeling that work is all that defines me; I worked late hours because I have no one. I shouldn't have let their behavior affect me, but it did.
I got an excellent review this past December, but then I started "slipping." I started drinking again, which meant I was absent much more frequently and my performance, even while in the office, began to decline. My boss became, understandably, very upset with me. The fall happened quickly, and I resigned on Thursday without providing 2-weeks' notice. Many of my coworkers had started making jokes about me and why I was out all the time. (I also have liver issues that require regular doctor appointments.) I haven't slept in about 72 hours, and the guilt and anxiety is so overwhelming. I became the lazy person that I always disdained, and I'm afraid I'll never be able to regain a stable position. All those years of hard work were thrown away for a few months of drinking.
How do you get over the guilt? Have any of you lost something or someone you really loved and had it turn out O.K. (or much better than O.K.) in the end? There's no one to blame but me. I've ruined--or am in the process of ruining--my own life.
I no longer have insurance, but I used to go to weekly one-on-one therapy meetings that seemed to help. I've tried many A.A. meetings without feeling anything resonate. My mom is incredibly supportive, and I talk to her daily. I also have two close friends who give straightforward feedback. I haven't had anything to drink in almost a week and have had no desire to do so.
(I apologize if this is difficult to follow. Between the anxiety and insomnia, rambling thoughts have been the norm the last few days!)
I got an excellent review this past December, but then I started "slipping." I started drinking again, which meant I was absent much more frequently and my performance, even while in the office, began to decline. My boss became, understandably, very upset with me. The fall happened quickly, and I resigned on Thursday without providing 2-weeks' notice. Many of my coworkers had started making jokes about me and why I was out all the time. (I also have liver issues that require regular doctor appointments.) I haven't slept in about 72 hours, and the guilt and anxiety is so overwhelming. I became the lazy person that I always disdained, and I'm afraid I'll never be able to regain a stable position. All those years of hard work were thrown away for a few months of drinking.
How do you get over the guilt? Have any of you lost something or someone you really loved and had it turn out O.K. (or much better than O.K.) in the end? There's no one to blame but me. I've ruined--or am in the process of ruining--my own life.
I no longer have insurance, but I used to go to weekly one-on-one therapy meetings that seemed to help. I've tried many A.A. meetings without feeling anything resonate. My mom is incredibly supportive, and I talk to her daily. I also have two close friends who give straightforward feedback. I haven't had anything to drink in almost a week and have had no desire to do so.
(I apologize if this is difficult to follow. Between the anxiety and insomnia, rambling thoughts have been the norm the last few days!)
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I lost my job a few months ago. Different circumstances, but I'm also near the start of my career and I think my concerns were similar to some of yours.
Basically, I've realized that some part of me was still thinking that life was linear. Step 1. School. Step 2. College. Step 3. Career. Step 4. Marriage. Step 5. Kids. etc etc.
Even though on an intellectual level I've known that's not true, it's only this year that I've started to understand that on an emotional level. Friends whose relationships I thought were permanent are back out and dating again. People have started new careers. My parents split a few years back and have both started new jobs and new relationships. A girl who I met when she was practicing art is now practicing medicine. And my job, which wasn't my first job but was my first Big Adult Career Job, is gone.
I was in it for a little longer than you were in yours, and losing it was scary. But now that I'm out of it... well, I'm still here! I still feel like myself. It was a bad six months or so leading up to it and I was bracing myself for the worst. In many ways I feel like there was an earthquake and I'm just slowly looking around and discovering that my house is still standing.
It's not linear. You haven't fallen off the staircase because life is a big open field (or some other metaphor that is entirely unlike a staircase). The worst thing about it is that anything can change at any time. The best thing about it is that anything can change at any time.
You're still the person who had it in them to do all that hard work and get to the top. You'll use that same strong head to get sober, and then figure out how to structure your life so that you're happier and less lonely, and then move on to another job when you're ready.
My job was a huge part of my identity until it wasn't. So was drinking. I thought I'd have no idea who I was without those two things, but here I am. You'll be better than fine. Just don't drink today, and repeat that step, and things will start to get clearer.
Basically, I've realized that some part of me was still thinking that life was linear. Step 1. School. Step 2. College. Step 3. Career. Step 4. Marriage. Step 5. Kids. etc etc.
Even though on an intellectual level I've known that's not true, it's only this year that I've started to understand that on an emotional level. Friends whose relationships I thought were permanent are back out and dating again. People have started new careers. My parents split a few years back and have both started new jobs and new relationships. A girl who I met when she was practicing art is now practicing medicine. And my job, which wasn't my first job but was my first Big Adult Career Job, is gone.
I was in it for a little longer than you were in yours, and losing it was scary. But now that I'm out of it... well, I'm still here! I still feel like myself. It was a bad six months or so leading up to it and I was bracing myself for the worst. In many ways I feel like there was an earthquake and I'm just slowly looking around and discovering that my house is still standing.
It's not linear. You haven't fallen off the staircase because life is a big open field (or some other metaphor that is entirely unlike a staircase). The worst thing about it is that anything can change at any time. The best thing about it is that anything can change at any time.
You're still the person who had it in them to do all that hard work and get to the top. You'll use that same strong head to get sober, and then figure out how to structure your life so that you're happier and less lonely, and then move on to another job when you're ready.
My job was a huge part of my identity until it wasn't. So was drinking. I thought I'd have no idea who I was without those two things, but here I am. You'll be better than fine. Just don't drink today, and repeat that step, and things will start to get clearer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Chuck: first welcome to SR and for your post. Yours is the first I read today and has already helped me.
I understand your thinking and feelings about your drinking and job loss, anxiety and guilt, shame, etc.
You are not alone.
Sobriety must come first before we regain employment, family, friends.
Many addicts/alcoholics think if they can just get their job back, wife/hubby back, a place to live, the car, then they can sober up. It is in reverse.
All of that stuff will happen when we put down the drink, work the 12 steps (if that's the way you choose), clean house, make amends.
Immediate effects are apparent, but the truly lasting ones come with time in recovery.
My best to you, sorry for your loss, but take heart, you are doing well.
I understand your thinking and feelings about your drinking and job loss, anxiety and guilt, shame, etc.
You are not alone.
Sobriety must come first before we regain employment, family, friends.
Many addicts/alcoholics think if they can just get their job back, wife/hubby back, a place to live, the car, then they can sober up. It is in reverse.
All of that stuff will happen when we put down the drink, work the 12 steps (if that's the way you choose), clean house, make amends.
Immediate effects are apparent, but the truly lasting ones come with time in recovery.
My best to you, sorry for your loss, but take heart, you are doing well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
Thank you for the comments--they make me feel less alone. I wish I were just starting my career, but I worked for eight years prior to my most recent job. It's hard to keep myself from feeling like it's hopeless.
I like the linear analogy. I'm not a linear thinker in most ways, but I do feel like I'm at the age where I should have a steady career and partner, and I have neither at the moment. It's disappointing.
Sobriety is still my #1 goal, even though getting a job is a close #2.
I like the linear analogy. I'm not a linear thinker in most ways, but I do feel like I'm at the age where I should have a steady career and partner, and I have neither at the moment. It's disappointing.
Sobriety is still my #1 goal, even though getting a job is a close #2.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Looks like you have your goals in order chuck. And regarding the guilt and regrets, you probably know from your previous career that the past is meaningless. Successful salespeople don't make a sale based on worrying about what happened last time - each day at the table is a new one wiped clean. Apply that to your life - it is never to late to start anew. And being sober will only help. I wish you the best of luck, and stay with us here on SR. You don't need insurance to get support from here!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Hi Chuck,
Recovery has taught me that everything, and I mean everything happens for a reason. Understandably you can only see the negative effect of what happened to your career and how it affected you. Hopefully, in time you will see that this was meant to happen. You have learned a lot. You know that your work situation left you feeling isolated. You know that you worked long hours because you were lonely. You know that you don't want your job to define you. And, possibly those issues caused you to slip. Now you have an opportunity to regroup and hopefully move into a job that fulfills you.
Recovery has taught me that everything, and I mean everything happens for a reason. Understandably you can only see the negative effect of what happened to your career and how it affected you. Hopefully, in time you will see that this was meant to happen. You have learned a lot. You know that your work situation left you feeling isolated. You know that you worked long hours because you were lonely. You know that you don't want your job to define you. And, possibly those issues caused you to slip. Now you have an opportunity to regroup and hopefully move into a job that fulfills you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
This might turn out to be a blessing in disguise for you.
I have been in the situation where work and the feelings of my colleagues dominated my life. I did not loose my job, but I sailed very close to it I am sure.
Now I have over a year sober.
My work can be very pressured, but being sober helps me deal with it better.
When I was drinking I did not do the best job, was absent, was not very productive.
I understand how you feel about letting yourself down and letting your boss down.
In time your colleagues will be talking about someone or something else.
Perhaps also in time, you might write your boss a letter or meet to apologise and be able to explain truthfully what was going on. You won't be the first to lose their job over drinking believe me. I also think your boss would be happy to see you well, with a good work life balance and recovering. No job or career is worth risking your health for.
I had a lot of work related regrets and the only thing I have been able to do is keep my head down and do the best job I can and hope this is someday recognised. However people have to forget first.....
If I were you I would work on getting yourself in the best, most healthiest, most sober frame of mind you can.
I had private therapist that cost a fortune.
It was never successful and I realised that you have to want it. There was no reason that therapy could find to justify my drinking. I drank because I was a drunk.
AA and SR taught me that and they did not cost a penny. They are all free.
Loosing your job might seem the end of the world but it is not.
Your probably slightly in shock and reeling still.
Come here when you can, find others in recovery and don't be lonely.
You can do this I promise.
My best to you.
I have been in the situation where work and the feelings of my colleagues dominated my life. I did not loose my job, but I sailed very close to it I am sure.
Now I have over a year sober.
My work can be very pressured, but being sober helps me deal with it better.
When I was drinking I did not do the best job, was absent, was not very productive.
I understand how you feel about letting yourself down and letting your boss down.
In time your colleagues will be talking about someone or something else.
Perhaps also in time, you might write your boss a letter or meet to apologise and be able to explain truthfully what was going on. You won't be the first to lose their job over drinking believe me. I also think your boss would be happy to see you well, with a good work life balance and recovering. No job or career is worth risking your health for.
I had a lot of work related regrets and the only thing I have been able to do is keep my head down and do the best job I can and hope this is someday recognised. However people have to forget first.....
If I were you I would work on getting yourself in the best, most healthiest, most sober frame of mind you can.
I had private therapist that cost a fortune.
It was never successful and I realised that you have to want it. There was no reason that therapy could find to justify my drinking. I drank because I was a drunk.
AA and SR taught me that and they did not cost a penny. They are all free.
Loosing your job might seem the end of the world but it is not.
Your probably slightly in shock and reeling still.
Come here when you can, find others in recovery and don't be lonely.
You can do this I promise.
My best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
Thanks again for the feedback. You don't know how helpful it really is. I know no one else who is an alcoholic (or who has admitted it, at least), so as much as my mom & friends try to help, they don't fully understand the anxiety and shame.
I still feel overwhelming guilt, but I contacted my boss to let him know that I was willing to help tie up any loose ends that I left dangling. It's just the professional thing to do. He thanked me, but I still feel like I owe him a great big apology.
I've applied for a few jobs, and I think I'm going to offer some of my time and professional experience to a non-profit. It would help them, and it would help me feel needed. That latter part is kind of selfish, I know.
I'm printing out this thread and putting it next to my desk. Such words of wisdom!
I still feel overwhelming guilt, but I contacted my boss to let him know that I was willing to help tie up any loose ends that I left dangling. It's just the professional thing to do. He thanked me, but I still feel like I owe him a great big apology.
I've applied for a few jobs, and I think I'm going to offer some of my time and professional experience to a non-profit. It would help them, and it would help me feel needed. That latter part is kind of selfish, I know.
I'm printing out this thread and putting it next to my desk. Such words of wisdom!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Hi Chuck48. Sorry I didn't see this sooner, but it looks like you have some wonderful & helpful responses. I'm so sorry things went off track for you, but I agree that a better life is coming your way.
I lost everything and everyone due to my drinking, and the confusion and hurt it caused. I had been highly thought of at work, and dearly loved by friends and family. I turned myself into someone they didn't even recognize. No one understood anything about addiction (and didn't care to learn). By getting sober and living the best life I possibly can, given the circumstances, I have risen above all the wreckage and am finally rebuilding my life and relationships. You will too.
I hope you'll keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Everything's going to be alright.
I lost everything and everyone due to my drinking, and the confusion and hurt it caused. I had been highly thought of at work, and dearly loved by friends and family. I turned myself into someone they didn't even recognize. No one understood anything about addiction (and didn't care to learn). By getting sober and living the best life I possibly can, given the circumstances, I have risen above all the wreckage and am finally rebuilding my life and relationships. You will too.
I hope you'll keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Everything's going to be alright.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
I too didn't know who I was without the big job and drinking. Funny, now that I've lost the booze and changed career course I feel like I know myself truly for the first time.
When I left my big job, I was scared since I'd dedicated my life for 10 years to accomplish what I did - but I didn't want to get stagnant and complacent and frankly, my drunken (yet professionally functioning) self was not quite as welcome at my place of work as I once had been. I just knew. And I jumped off the cliff. I quit before they could fire me.
Turns out, everything does happen for a reason. I committed to sobriety, landed a better job with all the growth potential I desired (had reached the top of the pyramid at my old job) and I'm happier than ever. I didn't realize how UNHAPPY I was with my seemingly perfect life until I changed it.
Hang in there. Gain some distance, be kind to yourself for a few days, and get sober. All the rest will fall into place with time, commitment and persistence. I wish you all the best and want you to know that your sharing helped another alcoholic tonight
When I left my big job, I was scared since I'd dedicated my life for 10 years to accomplish what I did - but I didn't want to get stagnant and complacent and frankly, my drunken (yet professionally functioning) self was not quite as welcome at my place of work as I once had been. I just knew. And I jumped off the cliff. I quit before they could fire me.
Turns out, everything does happen for a reason. I committed to sobriety, landed a better job with all the growth potential I desired (had reached the top of the pyramid at my old job) and I'm happier than ever. I didn't realize how UNHAPPY I was with my seemingly perfect life until I changed it.
Hang in there. Gain some distance, be kind to yourself for a few days, and get sober. All the rest will fall into place with time, commitment and persistence. I wish you all the best and want you to know that your sharing helped another alcoholic tonight
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 76
I went through a tough time a while ago dealing with accepting my choices. It helped me to think of my life as a book. That bad part was only a chapter and it's over now. You are now working on a new chapter. It's still a part of you, but you get to close it and move on. The book hasn't ended yet. Characters in books are always flawed and that is what helps them learn and grow.
It would be a boring book to read about someone who has all their crap together and just flits from one successful thing to another.
It would be a boring book to read about someone who has all their crap together and just flits from one successful thing to another.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Welcome and Thank you for sharing.
I lost my job a month ago due to Alcoholism. I put in years of work to get to this position. I thought that it was all that I wanted and needed to make things good in my life. I was finally there. Then I lost it by being wasted on a plane and losing my emotions in the bathroom. It was the most horrible experience of my drinking career. The shame and guilt that followed was unbearable. If I could have buried myself into the ground I would have, most certainly. So, after I made it home, sick to my stomach, smelling of alcohol, with swollen eyes and tears that just wouldnt stop. I got on here and put it all out on the table. This is what I did. This is what I have become. This is my pain for everyone to see.
I wasnt sure if i was coming or going for a few days. I had no direction and no purpose I was defeated. Rightfully so. Within that defeat, I found that i am amazingly strong. I pulled myself up off the ground, wiping off the crap, put on my happy face and landed a job within 3 days. Within that defeat, I was able to say goodbye to my self destruction and reach for things that i had only dreamed about. I enrolled myself into college and started my degree. I put myself out there and started to get Demo work with the industry that i have been involved with for so long. My lowest point turned into a god send. I needed that plane event so that I could actually help myself and do things that I would only speak of. I started to see what is possible.
SR has helped me through all of it. SR has been my life saver, my cheerleader, the shoulder, the friend. SR had belief in me when I didnt have a clue what belief in myself meant.
We can move mountains friend. You and i, we are worth so much more than a bottle of alcohol and a lost job. We all are worth so much more This does not define you. Good things do come. So, I understand how you feel all to well. I have been there. You can turn this around. Feel what you need to feel and then take this opportunity to grow and evolve into your true authentic self. We are here for you. I am here for you.
God bless.
I lost my job a month ago due to Alcoholism. I put in years of work to get to this position. I thought that it was all that I wanted and needed to make things good in my life. I was finally there. Then I lost it by being wasted on a plane and losing my emotions in the bathroom. It was the most horrible experience of my drinking career. The shame and guilt that followed was unbearable. If I could have buried myself into the ground I would have, most certainly. So, after I made it home, sick to my stomach, smelling of alcohol, with swollen eyes and tears that just wouldnt stop. I got on here and put it all out on the table. This is what I did. This is what I have become. This is my pain for everyone to see.
I wasnt sure if i was coming or going for a few days. I had no direction and no purpose I was defeated. Rightfully so. Within that defeat, I found that i am amazingly strong. I pulled myself up off the ground, wiping off the crap, put on my happy face and landed a job within 3 days. Within that defeat, I was able to say goodbye to my self destruction and reach for things that i had only dreamed about. I enrolled myself into college and started my degree. I put myself out there and started to get Demo work with the industry that i have been involved with for so long. My lowest point turned into a god send. I needed that plane event so that I could actually help myself and do things that I would only speak of. I started to see what is possible.
SR has helped me through all of it. SR has been my life saver, my cheerleader, the shoulder, the friend. SR had belief in me when I didnt have a clue what belief in myself meant.
We can move mountains friend. You and i, we are worth so much more than a bottle of alcohol and a lost job. We all are worth so much more This does not define you. Good things do come. So, I understand how you feel all to well. I have been there. You can turn this around. Feel what you need to feel and then take this opportunity to grow and evolve into your true authentic self. We are here for you. I am here for you.
God bless.
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