Paranoia.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 33
Paranoia.
As I'm consumed less by school I find myself being consumed more by paranoia. Every summer when school winds down, I'm left to deal with myself. Last summer I was deeply depressed the whole way through due to lack of finding a job. I am less worried about being depressed this summer because I am starting to recognize my triggers which has really helped.
Lately I've been so paranoid. I'm worried about that. I am not consumed by this paranoia every second of the day, but it still haunts me. When I'm home alone, or before I go to bed, when ever its dark out. I hate this feeling. I try not to be and it just happens. I thinnk of all these way in which someone could come and harm me. I don't live in the safest neighborhood, but then again the world is not safe. Its the worst feeling going to sleep scared. To be afraid of something happening to you. I've worked on myself alot and have been able to come up with reasonable strategies. Sometimes just realizing a flaw for me is enough to get it under control but this is soo daunting to me.
This maybe due to the fact that I usually I can pin down my flaws to my alcoholic father. Its easier for me to grasp letting him not have power over my life. I have been like this since I remember (about 3rd grade). This is before I have any memory of my dad being a alcoholic. Now that I live on my own its worse. I think about having kids and being scared of everythign and effecting them or going off to pursure my dreams in another state and being scared to do this. I really need help, a start in the right direction.
Also I want to thank everyone on hear for always giving such great advice. Ive looked at some other support groups but they dont help as much.
Lately I've been so paranoid. I'm worried about that. I am not consumed by this paranoia every second of the day, but it still haunts me. When I'm home alone, or before I go to bed, when ever its dark out. I hate this feeling. I try not to be and it just happens. I thinnk of all these way in which someone could come and harm me. I don't live in the safest neighborhood, but then again the world is not safe. Its the worst feeling going to sleep scared. To be afraid of something happening to you. I've worked on myself alot and have been able to come up with reasonable strategies. Sometimes just realizing a flaw for me is enough to get it under control but this is soo daunting to me.
This maybe due to the fact that I usually I can pin down my flaws to my alcoholic father. Its easier for me to grasp letting him not have power over my life. I have been like this since I remember (about 3rd grade). This is before I have any memory of my dad being a alcoholic. Now that I live on my own its worse. I think about having kids and being scared of everythign and effecting them or going off to pursure my dreams in another state and being scared to do this. I really need help, a start in the right direction.
Also I want to thank everyone on hear for always giving such great advice. Ive looked at some other support groups but they dont help as much.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there STaylor98 
hmmmm.... you know.... one of the things I learned in my recovery is that I suffer from a disorder common among ACoA's. My sponsor calls it "dictioary-ism" and it means that I have the _wrong_ words for my feelings. Whenever I had one of those overwhelming, intense feelings like you describe he would tell me to go look it up in a dictionary.
Every single time I had the wrong word. Oh, the feelings were exactly right, it was just the word that I labeled my feelings with that was always wrong.
So when I read your word "paranoia", and then I go look it up in the dictionary, that's not what I get. I find a different word: PTSD.
I apologize for not reading up on your previous posts, so if I am repeating something that you have already discussed feel free to ignore me
Yeah, see, that's that word thing again. You are using the word "flaw", but when I read your post I don't see anything that sounds like a "flaw". What I see is the same stuff I have; "emotional injuries". In my dictionary a "flaw" is a permanent failure of the underlying structure. What I have is not permanent, and it's not part of the underlying "person" that I am. I have an "injury" that can be healed, and is something external to me that was forced upon me.
Am I making sense with that?
Mike
Originally Posted by STaylor98 
... I find myself being consumed more by paranoia. ....
Every single time I had the wrong word. Oh, the feelings were exactly right, it was just the word that I labeled my feelings with that was always wrong.
So when I read your word "paranoia", and then I go look it up in the dictionary, that's not what I get. I find a different word: PTSD.
I apologize for not reading up on your previous posts, so if I am repeating something that you have already discussed feel free to ignore me
Originally Posted by STaylor98
... Sometimes just realizing a flaw for me is enough to get it under control ....
Am I making sense with that?
Mike
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 33
Yes! Thank you so much. That really made me emotional . Thats actually funny because I was looking up symptoms of paranoia and it didnt match with what I'm feeling at all but Thats what I associate it with. Being able to pin it down really lifted alot of stress of my shoulders. I think its less about fear and more about the anxiety that I get when Im alone or when i think about someone hurting me in any way
. Thats actually funny because I was looking up symptoms of paranoia and it didnt match with what I'm feeling at all but Thats what I associate it with. Being able to pin it down really lifted alot of stress of my shoulders. I think its less about fear and more about the anxiety that I get when Im alone or when i think about someone hurting me in any way
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes, that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop when things are fine or settling down a bit.
Right before you go to bed. I never knew what would happen after we went to sleep as kids, one example, my alcoholic Dad would come home and raise hell, going to my brothers bedroom just to beat him up in his sleep.
School's out, then it's alone. School was a place to escape, to keep busy, to be relatively safe for a few hours for me. Summer was a nightmare.
PTSD is right. Knowledge is power, the power to work on it and overcome. Took me many years, and I still jump when I hear thing crash or bump, that meant my AD would be angry and come looking for me to beat me up. Even though it's been years its still in the back of my head, my heart pounds and I have to tell myself to wait it out because nothing is going to happen.
Right before you go to bed. I never knew what would happen after we went to sleep as kids, one example, my alcoholic Dad would come home and raise hell, going to my brothers bedroom just to beat him up in his sleep.
School's out, then it's alone. School was a place to escape, to keep busy, to be relatively safe for a few hours for me. Summer was a nightmare.
PTSD is right. Knowledge is power, the power to work on it and overcome. Took me many years, and I still jump when I hear thing crash or bump, that meant my AD would be angry and come looking for me to beat me up. Even though it's been years its still in the back of my head, my heart pounds and I have to tell myself to wait it out because nothing is going to happen.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
I read your post and I also wondered if it was memories wanting to surface, triggered by certain situations (being alone, certain times of day). Sometimes what comes first are feelings and sometimes that's all that comes.
It's uncomfortable to have part of your brain that only seems to want to think of bad things, but it is trying to do its job and keep you safe.
If you write about it all, or talk to someone, that might help a different part of your brain to take over handling the situation and processing the feelings. You could also do something to shift your environment-- maybe for example playing music, if you don't normally. I download talks on my computer and have them going in the background.
It's uncomfortable to have part of your brain that only seems to want to think of bad things, but it is trying to do its job and keep you safe.
If you write about it all, or talk to someone, that might help a different part of your brain to take over handling the situation and processing the feelings. You could also do something to shift your environment-- maybe for example playing music, if you don't normally. I download talks on my computer and have them going in the background.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 33
I never have thought about changing my enviorment. The silence and it being so late gives mes alot of anxiety. Facing my window does to. I think it maybe me recreating a memory from my own room. Im going to re arrange now lol. It only happens when Im alone in my room which is another thing. Things got really bad for me when I was younger and got my own room away from my brothers. I think I will try listening to music of something. Thank you reeding.! Kialua, thanks for your post they are always insightful!! Your right. Its not the actual situation that scares me its the waiting for it to happen. I used to here my dad come in drunk and I would be so scared of him entering the room. Everytime that was like my fortress and I was always scared of him breaching that place in away. I feel so much clarification now. Not knowing what I was feeling was the scariest part.
Your right. Its not the actual situation that scares me its the waiting for it to happen. I used to here my dad come in drunk and I would be so scared of him entering the room. Everytime that was like my fortress and I was always scared of him breaching that place in away. I feel so much clarification now. Not knowing what I was feeling was the scariest part.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
I label mine 'worry'. Lingering feeling that the world is about the crumble around you, or something awful is going to happen. Definitely tied to PTSD, but buried under layers of barriers and walls and compulsive behaviors that I've built and adopted to make sure I can 'keep calm and carry on'.
It's amazing how bad I can feel inside at times and still muddle through my day. Even finding little bits of joy here and there. Such a wonderful thing with a moment of joy eclipses the pain inside.
It's amazing how bad I can feel inside at times and still muddle through my day. Even finding little bits of joy here and there. Such a wonderful thing with a moment of joy eclipses the pain inside.
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