I'm in recovery and significant other is not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 48
I'm in recovery and significant other is not.
Not sure if this was the right place to post. I'm in a tough spot because I am newly sober (77 days) and my boyfriend is an active alcoholic. I went through a voluntary detox and 2 months of outpatient rehab. This has been the hardest journey of my life, all while he's still getting wasted daily. There hasn't been one time since I've been out of the hospital that he didn't drink in front of me. I realize he is ill and was like this when I met him, and the world around me isn't going to change just because I am changing. I know he feels guilty about it even though I told him it was alright to drink around me simply because I wanted to see him. Lately I've been teetering on the brink of relapse and told him I can't see him unless he is sober. That pretty much ends it unless he stops drinking and this is so difficult. Any ideas? I know my sobriety should come first; watching him do this is horrible.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to this side of recovery. I am happy for the 77 days you have achieved! That is great.
You are correct, your sobriety needs to be your priority. For some alcoholics, their very life depends on embracing recovery with both arms, tightly.
I am known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also recovering from my 14 year marriage to an alcoholic.
And I am continuing my personal recovery from codependency.
Living with active alcoholism while I maintained my sober recovery was difficult. Very difficult. My alcoholic would make snide comments about my sobriety. I didn't take the bait to enter an argument about my choices. (he would have used it as fuel to drink more). I also didn't take his opinion personally ~ after all, he was not being a reasonable, responsible adult.
I did find his behavior harder and harder to tolerate. Alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse if untreated.
I finally had enough. I could not live the life I needed to live while suffering his verbal abuse, and irresponsible behaviors. I chose to end the marriage. It was a very difficult decision to make. It wasn't easy, but it was the healthy decision for myself and my children.
Wishing you success in your recovery and sending you encouragement while you make healthy decisions about your current relationship.
You are correct, your sobriety needs to be your priority. For some alcoholics, their very life depends on embracing recovery with both arms, tightly.
I am known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also recovering from my 14 year marriage to an alcoholic.
And I am continuing my personal recovery from codependency.
Living with active alcoholism while I maintained my sober recovery was difficult. Very difficult. My alcoholic would make snide comments about my sobriety. I didn't take the bait to enter an argument about my choices. (he would have used it as fuel to drink more). I also didn't take his opinion personally ~ after all, he was not being a reasonable, responsible adult.
I did find his behavior harder and harder to tolerate. Alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse if untreated.
I finally had enough. I could not live the life I needed to live while suffering his verbal abuse, and irresponsible behaviors. I chose to end the marriage. It was a very difficult decision to make. It wasn't easy, but it was the healthy decision for myself and my children.
Wishing you success in your recovery and sending you encouragement while you make healthy decisions about your current relationship.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I am so sorry, Paws. I can empathize - I have 11 months and my boyfriend is still an active binge alcoholic.
It is torture to watch them slowly kill themselves - maybe even worse for those of us n recovery because we know the intimate details of what goes on in their heads, yet we can't make them see the light.
Do what you have to do. For me, I make my BF go outside on the patio or to the bar to drink. I can't watch it. And now even that is getting to be too much - even my disapproval or our soon-to-be-born daughter isn't stopping him or even slowing him down.
One day at a time, and follow your gut. If your gut tells you that you must get away from him to be sober then do it. Your sobriety has to be your number one priority, and t sounds like you are well aware of that.
Hang in there. And congrats on 77 days! That s a massive accomplishment!
It is torture to watch them slowly kill themselves - maybe even worse for those of us n recovery because we know the intimate details of what goes on in their heads, yet we can't make them see the light.
Do what you have to do. For me, I make my BF go outside on the patio or to the bar to drink. I can't watch it. And now even that is getting to be too much - even my disapproval or our soon-to-be-born daughter isn't stopping him or even slowing him down.
One day at a time, and follow your gut. If your gut tells you that you must get away from him to be sober then do it. Your sobriety has to be your number one priority, and t sounds like you are well aware of that.
Hang in there. And congrats on 77 days! That s a massive accomplishment!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You have to put yourself and your recovery first. If you don't, no one else will. If you're in a relationship that challenges your recovery, you need to re-think that relationship. You've got 77 days...that's awesome! Do you really want to lose all that hard work and effort because someone else chooses active addiction? You may need to give yourself space to continue your journey. If a year or two from now he has chosen recovery, maybe things will work themselves out. But sounds like, for now, you are better off on your own path. I wish you continued success.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 48
Thanks for the words of encouragement guys. I am seeing him for dinner tomorrow and since I've asked him to not drink around me, I'm sure he'll show up already smelling like it. Even if I don't see the booze that is definitely a trigger for me. We were drinking buddies after all. Sticking to the boundaries I have set is going to be tough but I can only get sober myself; dragging another alcoholic through a forced recovery would be impossible. My counselor says maybe I waited so long to get sober because I knew my relationships would change, and it would be uncomfortable. And it IS. Thanks again for your kind words everyone. 24 hours down, 24 to go...
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