Slightly OT - Coming out of my shell
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Slightly OT - Coming out of my shell
Hi!
It's been a while since I've come by SR, but it's not because I don't need you guys anymore. I've been caught up in my life away from my A and pretending like I'm a normal single 30-something. Not going on dates yet at all, but I've been forcing myself to come out of my shell a bit - inviting friends over for arts & crafts, starting up yoga again, and going for hikes.
Last night, I went out with some acquaintances / friends from work (I'm still pretty new in town) to celebrate a friend's birthday. She is 29, and her friends are mostly younger. I think I was the oldest one in the group, and I felt it. This is a pretty strange feeling for me because my XAH was 16 years older than me and we hung out with people mostly his age (if we went out at all). Now that I'm on my own again, I'm finding it difficult to 1) stop isolating myself, and 2) relate to people my own age.
So many times last night, I found myself cringing at some of the conversations about past / recent parties or current lifestyles. I understand that not everyone my age must have lives so focused on drinking to oblivion, but it seems rare to find people who are neither alcoholic (or at least moving in that direction) nor traumatized by an alcoholic. Maybe I'm still just a tad sensitive, I guess. I'd like to have some relationships where drinking, or the chaos of alcoholism just isn't an issue. Is that too much to ask for?
But, I'm also feeling a bit lost trying to figure out where I belong. I'm too old to hang with the single 20-somethings, clearly. I also have friends in their 50s, but they all have kids in high school and I have no kids. They are all great, but we have different priorities in our lives, just like I have different priorities than those 20-somethings.
I'm hoping some of you can relate. Am I just in a temporary awkward stage in life where I seem a bit out of step with others my age? Or, maybe my expectations are too high?
Thanks for listening...
Fathom
It's been a while since I've come by SR, but it's not because I don't need you guys anymore. I've been caught up in my life away from my A and pretending like I'm a normal single 30-something. Not going on dates yet at all, but I've been forcing myself to come out of my shell a bit - inviting friends over for arts & crafts, starting up yoga again, and going for hikes.
Last night, I went out with some acquaintances / friends from work (I'm still pretty new in town) to celebrate a friend's birthday. She is 29, and her friends are mostly younger. I think I was the oldest one in the group, and I felt it. This is a pretty strange feeling for me because my XAH was 16 years older than me and we hung out with people mostly his age (if we went out at all). Now that I'm on my own again, I'm finding it difficult to 1) stop isolating myself, and 2) relate to people my own age.
So many times last night, I found myself cringing at some of the conversations about past / recent parties or current lifestyles. I understand that not everyone my age must have lives so focused on drinking to oblivion, but it seems rare to find people who are neither alcoholic (or at least moving in that direction) nor traumatized by an alcoholic. Maybe I'm still just a tad sensitive, I guess. I'd like to have some relationships where drinking, or the chaos of alcoholism just isn't an issue. Is that too much to ask for?
But, I'm also feeling a bit lost trying to figure out where I belong. I'm too old to hang with the single 20-somethings, clearly. I also have friends in their 50s, but they all have kids in high school and I have no kids. They are all great, but we have different priorities in our lives, just like I have different priorities than those 20-somethings.
I'm hoping some of you can relate. Am I just in a temporary awkward stage in life where I seem a bit out of step with others my age? Or, maybe my expectations are too high?
Thanks for listening...
Fathom
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Have you gotten involved at all in Al-Anon there? I've found that friends in recovery, themselves, are some of the best people to hang out with. Those friendships seem to sort of transcend differences in age.
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Good on you for getting yourself out there!
I share the same aversion to tales of drinking. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it just doesn't sound like fun and it makes me cringe, too. There's a guy in his 50's in my office at work that tries to sound cool with the younger folks by putting extra emphasis on how much he drank when telling stories of his times out, and just last week he was talking about driving drunk and steering away from the fuzzy stuff on the left then steering away from the fuzzy stuff on the right. WTF? NOT funny, not cool. I'm just not comfortable around drinking or even hearing about it!
Maybe we can start a group of non-drinking 30-somethings?
I share the same aversion to tales of drinking. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it just doesn't sound like fun and it makes me cringe, too. There's a guy in his 50's in my office at work that tries to sound cool with the younger folks by putting extra emphasis on how much he drank when telling stories of his times out, and just last week he was talking about driving drunk and steering away from the fuzzy stuff on the left then steering away from the fuzzy stuff on the right. WTF? NOT funny, not cool. I'm just not comfortable around drinking or even hearing about it!
Maybe we can start a group of non-drinking 30-somethings?
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I don't mean to seem overly concerned with age. I have had close friends that span a wide age range from 20s to 80s before I started with my XAH. I valued those friendships because I think they help bring perspective to my life and because it's fun to find common ground. It's just that I recognize a lack of friends my own age now, and I don't really know why... other than maybe I'm just not really in phase with them at the moment. But, that feels strange.
I have gone to some AlAnon meetings here, but they are pretty far away and at awkward times, so I'm not as regular as maybe I should be...
Fathom
I have gone to some AlAnon meetings here, but they are pretty far away and at awkward times, so I'm not as regular as maybe I should be...
Fathom
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Fathom-
I can totally relate. I am in my mid-thirties and due to a combination of the impact of the disease of alcoholism and an affair in my relationship I have lost all of the friends/connections my own age in the last two years.
I also know that though I am not shy and an introvert (by any stretch) I am very cautious right now on who I let into my life. I don't think this is a forever thing, but I let people in previously and lost myself. That is not anyone else's fault but my own. It is not others I don't trust, but myself to get out of a situation if it does not work for me.
A couple of things in the last month have changed. First I am ready to enter the world again I think. I also am starting to realize that the next learning lesson is probably about taking recovery on the road and into relation with others.
The last piece that just happened last weekend was that I was in a training about shame. Essentially it was shared that we all experience it and it will never go away completely, but the way that we increase shame resilence is to "share our story," with others that can hear our story. This is in part why therapy works, and though it was not overtly said I suspect it is part of why the 12 steps work (especially 4 and 5).
It has really gotten me thinking....
I have met a lot of great people in Al-Anon but am the only one under about age 50 in the group as a whole. I am the only one in my age group at work (though I am great friends with my coworkers).
I will say what is different for me (and I suspect you). I noticed it and have decided to do something different about it (instead of just doing the same old, same old). I posted something similar about three months ago and got a lot of great input about how the healthier I am the healthier I will attract. That is enough for right now.
I am ready to turn toward the joy in life which has been a challenge for me.
I can totally relate. I am in my mid-thirties and due to a combination of the impact of the disease of alcoholism and an affair in my relationship I have lost all of the friends/connections my own age in the last two years.
I also know that though I am not shy and an introvert (by any stretch) I am very cautious right now on who I let into my life. I don't think this is a forever thing, but I let people in previously and lost myself. That is not anyone else's fault but my own. It is not others I don't trust, but myself to get out of a situation if it does not work for me.
A couple of things in the last month have changed. First I am ready to enter the world again I think. I also am starting to realize that the next learning lesson is probably about taking recovery on the road and into relation with others.
The last piece that just happened last weekend was that I was in a training about shame. Essentially it was shared that we all experience it and it will never go away completely, but the way that we increase shame resilence is to "share our story," with others that can hear our story. This is in part why therapy works, and though it was not overtly said I suspect it is part of why the 12 steps work (especially 4 and 5).
It has really gotten me thinking....
I have met a lot of great people in Al-Anon but am the only one under about age 50 in the group as a whole. I am the only one in my age group at work (though I am great friends with my coworkers).
I will say what is different for me (and I suspect you). I noticed it and have decided to do something different about it (instead of just doing the same old, same old). I posted something similar about three months ago and got a lot of great input about how the healthier I am the healthier I will attract. That is enough for right now.
I am ready to turn toward the joy in life which has been a challenge for me.
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Ugh, CeciliaV. I listened to a long-winded drunken story last night about a drunken St. Patrick's Day debacle. A three year old could have told a more focused storyline. I am no longer entertained by these shenanigans.
The thing is, I'm not uncomfortable around alcohol, as long as the point is not to get stupid, or even noticeably buzzed. I enjoy a glass of wine with cheese and bread, and it does help to loosen conversation at parties. Maybe this is naive wishful thinking, but can't it just be a non-issue anymore in at least some parts of my life? Isn't there still such a thing as drinking responsibly? Maybe it would just be easier to do as you suggest and hang with only non-drinkers.
I'm afraid that'll be a hard sell in my small fishing town. Ah well.
Fathom
The thing is, I'm not uncomfortable around alcohol, as long as the point is not to get stupid, or even noticeably buzzed. I enjoy a glass of wine with cheese and bread, and it does help to loosen conversation at parties. Maybe this is naive wishful thinking, but can't it just be a non-issue anymore in at least some parts of my life? Isn't there still such a thing as drinking responsibly? Maybe it would just be easier to do as you suggest and hang with only non-drinkers.
I'm afraid that'll be a hard sell in my small fishing town. Ah well.
Fathom
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Thanks, LifeRecovery for your insight. I am definitely more cautious now with letting others into my life. I feel a bit judgmental at times because I see so much dysfunction and denial around alcoholism in my new community. I just can't let any of that in. I still need the security of my cocoon, and I'm not sure when I will trust myself enough to truly put myself out there again. I know it's a process, and I'm just looking for progress, not perfection. I'm trying to be patient with myself while I cautiously explore my surroundings. I feel like a cat, feeling the wind on her whiskers, but still mostly hiding behind the front door.
Fathom
Fathom
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Originally Posted by Fathom 
Thanks, LifeRecovery for your insight. I am definitely more cautious now with letting others into my life. I feel a bit judgmental at times because I see so much dysfunction and denial around alcoholism in my new community. I just can't let any of that in. I still need the security of my cocoon, and I'm not sure when I will trust myself enough to truly put myself out there again. I know it's a process, and I'm just looking for progress, not perfection. I'm trying to be patient with myself while I cautiously explore my surroundings. I feel like a cat, feeling the wind on her whiskers, but still mostly hiding behind the front door.
Fathom
Fathom
Some of my "blame" has gone away when I realize that the isolation and limited contact for me has been part of the healing process. What a "brillant" way to make sure I did not get myself into another tough relationship and keep repeating the cycle. It also was a chance to recover.
It is hard to be patient. I have noticed that I have been safer with friendships....and can't even think about intimate relationships right now.
Another thing that helped was a timeline on an affair recovery work that says 2-5 years to fully recovery. That gave me permission to take it as it came. I have actually struggled more with the alcoholic behavior but I keep the same timeframe in mind.
I am excited to see what others post.
P.S. I had to ask my therapist about what "normal" drinking behavior was not too long ago....because I was really, really confused about some of what you mentioned.
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Tomorrow is my birthday. Well, in 15 minutes my time anyway. And, I guess I'm feeling reflective about what I'm up to these days. And, maybe that's why I've been thinking more about what age group I belong in.
I found a fun-sounding meetup in my area made up of people in their 20s and 30s who like to go hike around and learn something about the plants / animals / environment they are hiking in. I think I would technically meet the qualifications for joining. I am a field ecologist in my 30s... But, I'm nervous that I'm really much older in my head and I'm just deluding myself that I could have anything in common with these people. I know that sounds ridiculous. It IS ridiculous! But, I can't shake off that feeling.
Here's the thing... Even though my AH was much older than me, he acted much younger. He was very athletic, had a ton of energy, loved listening to rap and hip-hop... And, particularly in the last few years, his sense of humor approached the level of a twelve year old boy. A lot of sexual innuendo and sarcasm. I am none of those things, as my AH frequently reminded me. I am strong, but not athletic. I would prefer to sit quietly drinking tea on a veranda, or weed my garden, than go for a run. I am usually very calm and introspective. My taste in music is likewise rather mellow and folksy. You see? Don't I sound old and serious? Like, maybe I'm the friend you would go to when you needed to move a couch, or you really wanted to go see a local guitarist on a random Wednesday night... But, Friday or Saturday night? That's just not Fathom's scene. And, you know what? You'd probably be right. I'm far from party mode at this point. But, what else do young single people do these days? (BTW im not focused on single people because I want to hook up, but I have this notion that I am a single person and could act like one if I had any notion what that might look like).
I know I'm overthinking this, and my brain is just spinning, when the simple answer is probably that I could just go to the meetup and see for myself what these people are like. But, that seems like a big risk to me for some reason. Anyone else feeling this same kind of social confusion and lack of self-confidence?
Thanks again for listening to my late-night rantings.
Wishing you all peace...
Fathom
I found a fun-sounding meetup in my area made up of people in their 20s and 30s who like to go hike around and learn something about the plants / animals / environment they are hiking in. I think I would technically meet the qualifications for joining. I am a field ecologist in my 30s... But, I'm nervous that I'm really much older in my head and I'm just deluding myself that I could have anything in common with these people. I know that sounds ridiculous. It IS ridiculous! But, I can't shake off that feeling.
Here's the thing... Even though my AH was much older than me, he acted much younger. He was very athletic, had a ton of energy, loved listening to rap and hip-hop... And, particularly in the last few years, his sense of humor approached the level of a twelve year old boy. A lot of sexual innuendo and sarcasm. I am none of those things, as my AH frequently reminded me. I am strong, but not athletic. I would prefer to sit quietly drinking tea on a veranda, or weed my garden, than go for a run. I am usually very calm and introspective. My taste in music is likewise rather mellow and folksy. You see? Don't I sound old and serious? Like, maybe I'm the friend you would go to when you needed to move a couch, or you really wanted to go see a local guitarist on a random Wednesday night... But, Friday or Saturday night? That's just not Fathom's scene. And, you know what? You'd probably be right. I'm far from party mode at this point. But, what else do young single people do these days? (BTW im not focused on single people because I want to hook up, but I have this notion that I am a single person and could act like one if I had any notion what that might look like).
I know I'm overthinking this, and my brain is just spinning, when the simple answer is probably that I could just go to the meetup and see for myself what these people are like. But, that seems like a big risk to me for some reason. Anyone else feeling this same kind of social confusion and lack of self-confidence?
Thanks again for listening to my late-night rantings.
Wishing you all peace...
Fathom
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First off, Happy Birthday Fathom.
I kinda feel the same way as you do about alcohol. Don't get it twisted, I love a nice cold one on a hot summer day but after being with my AH, he and his antics have completly change my views on alcohol and I cringe to even think about enjoying a drink anymore. I feel it's abused far to often and it's lost it's place in society.
Another issue I have is this. The possibilty of AH and I splitting... I don't want another mate. Not even to keep me company because I am so sick of being hurt by someone who is going to lie to me about themself and make me believe something and as time passes, it's all a farce! My AH did this to me and I'll tell you, there is no way in hell I will let myself be filleted open and stuffed with horse meat just so *he* can make himself look good or lets say, feel good at my expense! I am going to love myself and I know I won't hurt myself!
With that said, I've never lived a single's life. If a split is in my future, I will get another job and just work and spend time with my Girls (my Rottweiler and my Boxer). They will be my life. I am so done with getting caught up in other peoples BS! I'm over it! It will be about me, Me, ME!!!
I kinda feel the same way as you do about alcohol. Don't get it twisted, I love a nice cold one on a hot summer day but after being with my AH, he and his antics have completly change my views on alcohol and I cringe to even think about enjoying a drink anymore. I feel it's abused far to often and it's lost it's place in society.
Another issue I have is this. The possibilty of AH and I splitting... I don't want another mate. Not even to keep me company because I am so sick of being hurt by someone who is going to lie to me about themself and make me believe something and as time passes, it's all a farce! My AH did this to me and I'll tell you, there is no way in hell I will let myself be filleted open and stuffed with horse meat just so *he* can make himself look good or lets say, feel good at my expense! I am going to love myself and I know I won't hurt myself!
With that said, I've never lived a single's life. If a split is in my future, I will get another job and just work and spend time with my Girls (my Rottweiler and my Boxer). They will be my life. I am so done with getting caught up in other peoples BS! I'm over it! It will be about me, Me, ME!!!
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Originally Posted by Fathom
I found a fun-sounding meetup in my area made up of people in their 20s and 30s who like to go hike around and learn something about the plants / animals / environment they are hiking in. I think I would technically meet the qualifications for joining. I am a field ecologist in my 30s... But, I'm nervous that I'm really much older in my head and I'm just deluding myself that I could have anything in common with these people. I know that sounds ridiculous. It IS ridiculous! But, I can't shake off that feeling.
You MIGHT just meet the 'qualifications' of joining??? You sound perfect!As a horribly shy introvert I've found the best way to meet people is during some activity, rather than say a party. And a field trip doesn't involve alcohol. I think it sounds like fun and ideal for an introvert. Can I come too?
Please stop comparing yourself to your ex; everyone's different thankfully.
Also understand you would be too mature to go out for drinking session. No wonder you didn't enjoy yourself much.
Change your name to Nature Girl and start hiking!
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Happy Birthday!
I have started to realize that there is nothing wrong with "what" I enjoy, and that I am old enough to stop caring if it is not mainstream. When I finally got the guts to ask about normal drinking it helped me to see that I was trying to be something I was not...and that is where the problem happened.
I also realized a lot of the people that were seemingly enjoying the party were probably trying to do the same thing.
Have a great day!
I have started to realize that there is nothing wrong with "what" I enjoy, and that I am old enough to stop caring if it is not mainstream. When I finally got the guts to ask about normal drinking it helped me to see that I was trying to be something I was not...and that is where the problem happened.
I also realized a lot of the people that were seemingly enjoying the party were probably trying to do the same thing.
Have a great day!
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Thanks, BoxinRotz. Totally. I am not looking for a mate right now because I'm rather enjoying my version of the single life. Guess what? I can do whatever I want, when I say I want to! I never get crap anymore if I want to stay inside on a sunny day (I sometimes do find my limit of the outdoors with my work). Or, if a friend invites me somewhere last minute, I am realizing that I can go! Spontaneity is starting to come back into my life, and that's pretty fun! I don't want to completely rule out the possibility that I might find an actually nice responsible but fun man to share my life with in the future, but I am unconcerned with making it happen right now.
On the other hand, that brings up another reason I might be feeling awkward socially. I'm fine as long as there are only women around me, or if I'm in a situation where my role is well-defined, like at work. But, I do feel awkward around men in general. I hide from them. Not literally... But, I rarely look one in the eyes. I guess my walls are up and I just don't know how to act with them. When I was married, that was easy because my relationship with a man outside of my marriage was well-defined. Now, when a guy approaches me, sometimes there's another agenda... And, I've been really slow to pick up on it. There was one time recently when I was at a conference. A guy, maybe in his mid 20s, approached me. I didn't know him, but he struck up a conversation. I immediately went into learned academic mode and ended up treating him like someone I was mentoring. Apparently, he wasn't looking to be mentored (LOL). At one point, he felt the need to explain to me that "I'm not that young!" I had to resist the temptation to tell him I'm not that young either! Ha! Oops. There's a new set of social rules now that I'm single again, and I am really out of practice.
Gotta laugh at myself sometimes...
Thanks for all the birthday wishes! You guys have a great day too!
Fathom
On the other hand, that brings up another reason I might be feeling awkward socially. I'm fine as long as there are only women around me, or if I'm in a situation where my role is well-defined, like at work. But, I do feel awkward around men in general. I hide from them. Not literally... But, I rarely look one in the eyes. I guess my walls are up and I just don't know how to act with them. When I was married, that was easy because my relationship with a man outside of my marriage was well-defined. Now, when a guy approaches me, sometimes there's another agenda... And, I've been really slow to pick up on it. There was one time recently when I was at a conference. A guy, maybe in his mid 20s, approached me. I didn't know him, but he struck up a conversation. I immediately went into learned academic mode and ended up treating him like someone I was mentoring. Apparently, he wasn't looking to be mentored (LOL). At one point, he felt the need to explain to me that "I'm not that young!" I had to resist the temptation to tell him I'm not that young either! Ha! Oops. There's a new set of social rules now that I'm single again, and I am really out of practice.
Gotta laugh at myself sometimes...
Thanks for all the birthday wishes! You guys have a great day too!
Fathom
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FeelingGreat,
Yes, please, come with me! Actually, I want to hike around where you are. I've not been to Western Australia yet.
Actually, it would probably be less scary if I went with a friend already. I'm not sure what I have to lose, Lexie, other than my self-denial that I am actually too old (ahem, mature) to hang with the younger crowd. I know I'll work up the courage at some point. Even starting to go to yoga was a big deal for me recently. Maybe, I can push myself to do something new and less comfortable once a month...
Peaceful, Fathom
Yes, please, come with me! Actually, I want to hike around where you are. I've not been to Western Australia yet.
Actually, it would probably be less scary if I went with a friend already. I'm not sure what I have to lose, Lexie, other than my self-denial that I am actually too old (ahem, mature) to hang with the younger crowd. I know I'll work up the courage at some point. Even starting to go to yoga was a big deal for me recently. Maybe, I can push myself to do something new and less comfortable once a month...
Peaceful, Fathom
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I see nothing wrong with your life, fathom...you"re being true to yourself and on your path. And Happy Birthday!
I think you would do right to find people of like mind to relate and enjoy activities with...and if your passion was knitting and everyone else was 95 in the club, then so be it, don't worry about it. If your passion was hop scotch, the same.
I loved to swim, decorate Halloween parties, and go sledding...at one point I found myself the neighborhood mom that watched everybody else's kids because I liked what they like. Taught them how to do back dives, and a good crawl stroke. Threw outrageous Halloween parties for the neighborhood.
10 year olds can be very enlightening!
Do what you like to do...the age part doesnt matter at all.
I think you would do right to find people of like mind to relate and enjoy activities with...and if your passion was knitting and everyone else was 95 in the club, then so be it, don't worry about it. If your passion was hop scotch, the same.
I loved to swim, decorate Halloween parties, and go sledding...at one point I found myself the neighborhood mom that watched everybody else's kids because I liked what they like. Taught them how to do back dives, and a good crawl stroke. Threw outrageous Halloween parties for the neighborhood.
10 year olds can be very enlightening!
Do what you like to do...the age part doesnt matter at all.
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You're doing just fine. It takes us a while to get comfortable in our 'new' skin when it all changes. There are some fun clubs out there (gardening, sports, books, etc) - adult ed classes (a girlfriend and I took watercolor painting classes - what a blast!) Classes are great - learn a style of dancing, learn a new language, take an acting class - something outside of your box. You'll meet new people, broaden your horizons, and discover new talents. CHEERS - to happiness and health - and no longer being the person in the cartoon below 
Even though its funny as hell. PS Happy Birthday!
Even though its funny as hell. PS Happy Birthday! Member
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LOL, Firebolt! Thanks for the chuckle. 
I thought I would share a quote I found on my tea bag the other day. I have it stuck to my fridge now...
"The beauty of life is to experience yourself"
I guess the key is to rediscover who I am! Should be fun...
Fathom
I thought I would share a quote I found on my tea bag the other day. I have it stuck to my fridge now...
"The beauty of life is to experience yourself"
I guess the key is to rediscover who I am! Should be fun...
Fathom
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