The Past vs The Present
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York, NY
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The Past vs The Present
Oftentimes I read fellowship literature that talks about the consequences of growing up with sick family members etc. So I wonder, can there be any healing when two abusive narcissistic parents are still in control of your life?
I'm still being controlled by purse strings. My father has me all set up in an apartment where I'm dying slowly of exhaustion and anger. I'm losing the hard work I did in recovery and don't think he doesn't know that. My family has challenged and rejected me the healthier I got and now I'm sick again.
I had to stop working 7 years ago due to intense exhaustion and then i learned in recovery i had been the family scapegoat since i was 12. im now in my 40s. A few years ago when I was about healthy enough to go back I work they started controlling me in very sick ways (even inviting in third parties like landlords and other people to do the same - a silent understanding between them and others that it was ok to do this, offering me up as fodder,) my father is a very powerful influential guy who is well-respected in "society".
I started getting sick again even developing a chemical sensitivity mostly from stress. A doctor told my father and me that I needed to stay away from certain chemicals like plastics in new cars until I healed. Doc said I could get real disease that could impair my brain or cause cancer. Still needing their money help, i felt helpless when My father demanded I trade in my car for a new car.
I live in a very rural area not near food or stores. I kept asking my father to remember what the dic said about my chemical issues, that a new car could get me sick. my father responded by demanding that i go do it NOW and QUiCKlY. he told me what kind of car to get and demanded that I do it within 48 hours. I was exhausted, running around to dealerships, abusing car salesmen and missing my meetings and doctors Appts.
My relationships with everyone around me are eroding. My adult child vulnerabity keeps me attracting abuse from others. I deal with lots of gossip. Im shunned by many people in recovery. I was basically left out of family plans for Easter and then I reacted (which is what people wait for me to do) and I was met with a silence from self-righteously indignant family members who hate 12-step recovery. I feel used up and thrown away.
I am smoking/eating/drinking coffee to release the pain. And I'm dying here isolated in this apartment, of exhaustion and inwardly turned rage. I feel stuck.
My instincts tell me I need to go to a shelter or rooming house and maybe once I get out from under the control of my abusive parents, only then will I sleep.
I envy people who only have the past to work thru.
I know I will still have a lot of healing to do but am I correct that nothing can get any better until Im free physically and financially?
God bless.
I'm still being controlled by purse strings. My father has me all set up in an apartment where I'm dying slowly of exhaustion and anger. I'm losing the hard work I did in recovery and don't think he doesn't know that. My family has challenged and rejected me the healthier I got and now I'm sick again.
I had to stop working 7 years ago due to intense exhaustion and then i learned in recovery i had been the family scapegoat since i was 12. im now in my 40s. A few years ago when I was about healthy enough to go back I work they started controlling me in very sick ways (even inviting in third parties like landlords and other people to do the same - a silent understanding between them and others that it was ok to do this, offering me up as fodder,) my father is a very powerful influential guy who is well-respected in "society".
I started getting sick again even developing a chemical sensitivity mostly from stress. A doctor told my father and me that I needed to stay away from certain chemicals like plastics in new cars until I healed. Doc said I could get real disease that could impair my brain or cause cancer. Still needing their money help, i felt helpless when My father demanded I trade in my car for a new car.
I live in a very rural area not near food or stores. I kept asking my father to remember what the dic said about my chemical issues, that a new car could get me sick. my father responded by demanding that i go do it NOW and QUiCKlY. he told me what kind of car to get and demanded that I do it within 48 hours. I was exhausted, running around to dealerships, abusing car salesmen and missing my meetings and doctors Appts.
My relationships with everyone around me are eroding. My adult child vulnerabity keeps me attracting abuse from others. I deal with lots of gossip. Im shunned by many people in recovery. I was basically left out of family plans for Easter and then I reacted (which is what people wait for me to do) and I was met with a silence from self-righteously indignant family members who hate 12-step recovery. I feel used up and thrown away.
I am smoking/eating/drinking coffee to release the pain. And I'm dying here isolated in this apartment, of exhaustion and inwardly turned rage. I feel stuck.
My instincts tell me I need to go to a shelter or rooming house and maybe once I get out from under the control of my abusive parents, only then will I sleep.
I envy people who only have the past to work thru.
I know I will still have a lot of healing to do but am I correct that nothing can get any better until Im free physically and financially?
God bless.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by mrschoices 
I had to stop working 7 years ago due to intense exhaustion and then i learned in recovery i had been the family scapegoat since i was 12. im now in my 40s.... I started getting sick again even developing a chemical sensitivity mostly from stress. A doctor told my father and me that I needed to stay away from certain chemicals like plastics in new cars until I healed. Doc said I could get real disease that could impair my brain or cause cancer... envy people who only have the past to work thru.
I know I will still have a lot of healing to do but am I correct that nothing can get any better until Im free physically and financially?
I know I will still have a lot of healing to do but am I correct that nothing can get any better until Im free physically and financially?
My advice is worth exactly what you're paying for it -- but I'd ditch that doctor. Some doctors obsess about unlikely-to-happen possible side effects from medications, environmental things people are exposed to, etc. What specifics does he give you about "a real disease that could impair my brain or cause cancer?" That sounds like manipulative hogwash, to me.
Parents love to control you with money -- my Dad did some of that, although not nearly as much as you're describing. Near the end of his life, I basically had to decide, "Doing what he wants is going to kill me. I'm not doing it -- if he writes me out of his will, that'll be the best X-thousand bucks I ever spent." Turned out he didn't anyway -- but it was not worth it, just for some money.
The toxic relatives will keep hurting you, leaving you out of the plans, etc. There is no way to prevent that -- I handle it by not calling them, and not returning their calls when they call me!
But ya, financial independence is... going to have to happen, otherwise the cycle will continue. Toxic relatives stink.
T
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 127
Hi tromb... Thanks for having the courage to call me out on my victim state today. I am aware of it. I do have some experience with ACA but will be going back now. If I can get some rest.
The enviro doc who told me about the chemical sensitivity stuff correctly said the car would worsen my symptoms which feel very real. but i do feel if i can get "out from under" financially, that will get better. My point was that my father immediately told me to go do things a medical doctor said would get me sick. He totally trusts doctors. Abusive weird stuff.
I don't want my fathers money. I just want to be able to earn a living. But with the exhaustion issue it's impossible. So my only choice is to apply for a rooming house near public transportation. Like you, I've had to get to my wits end to be willing I guess.
I'll probably arrive there exhausted but once there I believe everything will change.
It will be in a strange and lonely place for me but I have to start somewhere.
God bless you on this Sunday and thanks for reading my long post.
The enviro doc who told me about the chemical sensitivity stuff correctly said the car would worsen my symptoms which feel very real. but i do feel if i can get "out from under" financially, that will get better. My point was that my father immediately told me to go do things a medical doctor said would get me sick. He totally trusts doctors. Abusive weird stuff.
I don't want my fathers money. I just want to be able to earn a living. But with the exhaustion issue it's impossible. So my only choice is to apply for a rooming house near public transportation. Like you, I've had to get to my wits end to be willing I guess.
I'll probably arrive there exhausted but once there I believe everything will change.
It will be in a strange and lonely place for me but I have to start somewhere.
God bless you on this Sunday and thanks for reading my long post.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
For me, I had and wanted to "divorce"
myself from a family unit of parents,
siblings, in-laws etc. in order to remain
healthy in recovery.
Each time in the past I would subject
myself or place myself in the sickness
of my family often bringing me down
but thankfully not drinking in the past
22 yrs.
Recovery is work and daily vigilance
which requires responsibity on my part
to do whatever I need to do to stay sober
a day at a time. And in doing so, it is
important to stay away from people,
places and things that would tempt me
to drink.
Once I learned to live a heathier way
of life in mind, body and soul, it is that
important to not get infected with illnesses
that lurk around me. Even if its family.
myself from a family unit of parents,
siblings, in-laws etc. in order to remain
healthy in recovery.
Each time in the past I would subject
myself or place myself in the sickness
of my family often bringing me down
but thankfully not drinking in the past
22 yrs.
Recovery is work and daily vigilance
which requires responsibity on my part
to do whatever I need to do to stay sober
a day at a time. And in doing so, it is
important to stay away from people,
places and things that would tempt me
to drink.
Once I learned to live a heathier way
of life in mind, body and soul, it is that
important to not get infected with illnesses
that lurk around me. Even if its family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 127
I guess I'm wondering if nothing will really change if I go to a rooming house. If this is all my disease, but I feel having toxic family members control me can't be good.
Did things change when those of you who dealt with this got away from it?
Did things change when those of you who dealt with this got away from it?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Things don't change until you emotionally detach yourself. Stop caring what they do or don't do. Move on emotionally. Look to yourself for your support.
I agree with tromboneliness and ditch that doctor and work the program. I think the chances of anyone getting any cancer from a new car plastic is next to slim and none. And for the doctor to tell your Dad, was that with your permission? Whether or not at, your age I would not be telling my Dad anything.
I agree with tromboneliness and ditch that doctor and work the program. I think the chances of anyone getting any cancer from a new car plastic is next to slim and none. And for the doctor to tell your Dad, was that with your permission? Whether or not at, your age I would not be telling my Dad anything.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by mrschoices
Hi tromb... Thanks for having the courage to call me out on my victim state today.
I was going to suggest, take the new car, and just crank the windows open all the time!
But ya, the environmental sensitivity is a real phenomenon; I have a friend who's allergic to just about everything -- that can't be easy to deal with.Seriously, though, the ACA Workbook -- and a good sponsor -- has been extremely helpful. He identified patterns that I had completely missed... sometimes they're obvious to someone else! With his observations in mind, I've taken concrete, specific steps to undo things like self-abandonment (my main self-inflicted wound), neglect of my career, and generally thinking that what I do doesn't count and can't be any good. I started a new job last November -- and where in the past, my attitude was pretty much, "What do you want me to do and when do you want it," I've tried to find things to do beyond what they ask, and have had some success at it, good feedback from boss, etc.
ACA is a pretty intense program -- sometimes it's a bit much, but it can really help you make concrete progress!
T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Hi, Mrs.Choices,
I have had a lot of exhaustion and concerns about the financial purse strings, too, over the past 7-8 years.
What have you or your doctors done to address the exhaustion? What is their answer as to what causes it? Is it tied to the chemical sensitivity issues?
My father also held money over my head. He gave very large checks at Christmas. He insisted on paying for new water heaters and attic insulation, and doing the plumbing and other work in our home that would have cost a fortune. Years ago, when one of our cars was wrecked, he replaced it. In short, I knew it would be costly to stand up to him.
But I reached a point where the screaming rages, the scapegoating, the blaming me for everyone else's behavior, the ugly words and criticisms and fault-finding, were slowly killing me. For me, it wasn't so much a decision not to go back as finally being so done with it that wild horses could not have dragged me back (pardon the cliche.) After a few months, I was issued a summons to show up before 8 pm New Year's Eve or lose my big Christmas check. There was just something in me that was finally through being lectured and treated like a recalcitrant child--I believe I was 39 that year. I didn't go. I didn't get the check.
I found out I was just fine. The bills were still paid. The kids still had food and shoes.
The first time I had to pay $300 for a plumber for a job my dad would have done for free, I thought it would hurt. But the guy came, did the work without yelling at me or my kids, without swearing, and I felt like it was the best $300 I'd spent in years.
Now that I no longer get these freebies and cash, I've realized how much the 'gifts' were really 'control,' and how much they convinced me that I couldn't do it on my own. Several years down the road, I feel no loss at all.
Yes, you will definitely be healthier for getting out from under their financial thumb.
What jobs have you held in the past? What skills or education or experience do you have? What volunteer work have you done or what hobbies do you love that might be turned into an income?
I have had a lot of exhaustion and concerns about the financial purse strings, too, over the past 7-8 years.
What have you or your doctors done to address the exhaustion? What is their answer as to what causes it? Is it tied to the chemical sensitivity issues?
My father also held money over my head. He gave very large checks at Christmas. He insisted on paying for new water heaters and attic insulation, and doing the plumbing and other work in our home that would have cost a fortune. Years ago, when one of our cars was wrecked, he replaced it. In short, I knew it would be costly to stand up to him.
But I reached a point where the screaming rages, the scapegoating, the blaming me for everyone else's behavior, the ugly words and criticisms and fault-finding, were slowly killing me. For me, it wasn't so much a decision not to go back as finally being so done with it that wild horses could not have dragged me back (pardon the cliche.) After a few months, I was issued a summons to show up before 8 pm New Year's Eve or lose my big Christmas check. There was just something in me that was finally through being lectured and treated like a recalcitrant child--I believe I was 39 that year. I didn't go. I didn't get the check.
I found out I was just fine. The bills were still paid. The kids still had food and shoes.
The first time I had to pay $300 for a plumber for a job my dad would have done for free, I thought it would hurt. But the guy came, did the work without yelling at me or my kids, without swearing, and I felt like it was the best $300 I'd spent in years.
Now that I no longer get these freebies and cash, I've realized how much the 'gifts' were really 'control,' and how much they convinced me that I couldn't do it on my own. Several years down the road, I feel no loss at all.
Yes, you will definitely be healthier for getting out from under their financial thumb.
What jobs have you held in the past? What skills or education or experience do you have? What volunteer work have you done or what hobbies do you love that might be turned into an income?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 127
Whenever I have a day like I did yesterday, if I take it to God and do my work I am brought answers. Basically I see I'm carrying a lot of guilt. I have a few amends to get going on but the rest of the guilt is needless. I am going to have a good day free of guilt.
I will go to a meeting today but also look for a job. If I can stop punishing myself by carrying other people's guilt Ill sleep. From there all things are possible. I have a good resume from the past that I've already updated; I'll send some out today.
My guilt = it's all about me. Selfishness and self-centeredness. Then I use all that not to move forward and be responsible for my life, financially and also in just allowing mysel to be happy.
If in to really want freedom from guilt I'll have to work hard.
As for the rest, who knows? I can only do the first things first. Other stuff will be revealed.
God bless everyone.
I will go to a meeting today but also look for a job. If I can stop punishing myself by carrying other people's guilt Ill sleep. From there all things are possible. I have a good resume from the past that I've already updated; I'll send some out today.
My guilt = it's all about me. Selfishness and self-centeredness. Then I use all that not to move forward and be responsible for my life, financially and also in just allowing mysel to be happy.
If in to really want freedom from guilt I'll have to work hard.
As for the rest, who knows? I can only do the first things first. Other stuff will be revealed.
God bless everyone.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
I just wanted to add to all the good fb that you've gotten that I was dx'ed with fibro and chronic myofascial pain syndrome. I worked my ACoA recovery and gradually became symptom free.
I think I'm the only person I know to get those medical dxes and recover completely.
Under stress my digestive system still does truly funky awful things (IBS) and during a recent attack clearly triggered by stressful events with my qualifiers, I mentioned my messed up bowels at an Adult Child-Alanon meeting.
Was surprised to see about a third of the people present look up at me and start nodding their heads "me too!" We all thought it was just us. Adult Child Bowel Syndrome. ACBS! Yeah, that sounds about right.
Our bodyminds are not two but one-- so if the body is a stressed out unbalanced mess I can sometimes help by working recovery on mind/emotions, and vice versa.
I think I'm the only person I know to get those medical dxes and recover completely.
Under stress my digestive system still does truly funky awful things (IBS) and during a recent attack clearly triggered by stressful events with my qualifiers, I mentioned my messed up bowels at an Adult Child-Alanon meeting.
Was surprised to see about a third of the people present look up at me and start nodding their heads "me too!" We all thought it was just us. Adult Child Bowel Syndrome. ACBS! Yeah, that sounds about right.
Our bodyminds are not two but one-- so if the body is a stressed out unbalanced mess I can sometimes help by working recovery on mind/emotions, and vice versa.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by Reedling
I just wanted to add to all the good fb that you've gotten that I was dx'ed with fibro and chronic myofascial pain syndrome. I worked my ACoA recovery and gradually became symptom free.
I think I'm the only person I know to get those medical dxes and recover completely.
Under stress my digestive system still does truly funky awful things (IBS) and during a recent attack clearly triggered by stressful events with my qualifiers, I mentioned my messed up bowels at an Adult Child-Alanon meeting.
Was surprised to see about a third of the people present look up at me and start nodding their heads "me too!" We all thought it was just us. Adult Child Bowel Syndrome. ACBS! Yeah, that sounds about right.
Our bodyminds are not two but one-- so if the body is a stressed out unbalanced mess I can sometimes help by working recovery on mind/emotions, and vice versa.
I think I'm the only person I know to get those medical dxes and recover completely.
Under stress my digestive system still does truly funky awful things (IBS) and during a recent attack clearly triggered by stressful events with my qualifiers, I mentioned my messed up bowels at an Adult Child-Alanon meeting.
Was surprised to see about a third of the people present look up at me and start nodding their heads "me too!" We all thought it was just us. Adult Child Bowel Syndrome. ACBS! Yeah, that sounds about right.
Our bodyminds are not two but one-- so if the body is a stressed out unbalanced mess I can sometimes help by working recovery on mind/emotions, and vice versa.
Very interesting. I spent years struggling with digestive problems. They got especially bad when I used to make the cross country trip to visit my parents. I always thought it was their water, and one day, a friend of my mother said maybe it's the stress of the visit. Her own friend, no less! When I moved back to my parents' area, and was in my own home not dealing with them daily, I had no problems at all, so it appears it was not the water in this area.
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