Jodie77

I received a barrage of texts from him last night apologizing for leaving me and that he's in full addiction and doesn't want to die. Yet he won't get help. My heart is breaking. What should I do? Call his ex wife or mom? Can I even help?

Ann

Jodie, if you believe he is in danger of harming himself, the best thing is to call 911.

That said, I know my son spoke of "wanting to die" many times when he could neither support his addiction not find the courage to reach out for help.

This may be a turning point for him...or not...but it takes this kind of pain for them to surrender and reach out.

I will keep him in my prayers.

Jodie77

I think he was referring to overdosing yet he's not going to treatment because he's embarrassed he said. Should I call his family? I don't think they realize what is going on. Maybe if they find out they can encourage treatment. He has 3 beautiful children....

Mountainmanbob

zoso77

It is quite possible that he's attempting to manipulate you with texts like that, and what I mean by this is manipulating you into feeling sorry for him. He's throwing the hook out there, hoping you'll take the bait.

Don't take the bait. For if you do, you'll be back where you were before you found us. Do you want to go back to that place emotionally, Jodie?

As Ann said, if you feel he's in imminent danger of harming himself, call 911. Then get out of the way.

ZoSo

AnvilheadII

first, I echo that IF you truly think he is a danger to himself, call 911. mothers, sisters and ex-wives are no more trained to deal with someone who may harm themselves than you are.

as a detached observer:

1. barrage of self serving texts on a Saturday nite. chances are quite good he was f'd up and "drunk dialing."
2. you have no idea how many other people he was texting or calling simultaneously.
3. if he was cognizant enough to be operating the phone and sending multiple texts, he was most likely "ok" - ok being relative.
4. if he REALLY wanted HELP, he could use that phone to call for HELP.

you are not responsible for his woes. for his addiction. for him feeling sorry for himself. in fact if you had his number blocked.......

Jodie77

Thanks all for your advice. His text was more along the lines of: "I know... I lost you. But I MEANT all of that and I was clean and unaltered. The bad attitude comes with the drugs and I know that I need to stay clean to have a life. I already lost my love and I don't want to lose my life. Especially for kids and everyone around me that loves me ( and that includes you.) I'm a loser and not asking for sympathy. I've made my bed."

Then this morning he turns around and texts me this: I haven't been out and I stopped opiates I promise . My issue my hemostasis was out of whack. The blow, subs, testosterone. My my , my emotions are ******. I don't want to ruin anymore opportunities. I love you....I'm going to do this."

Wtf does this mean? He isn't making any sense!

suki44883

He is an addict. Addicts don't make sense. If it were me, I'd stop reading his texts. I'd block him on my phone. If he wants sobriety, he knows what to do. You can't help him.

lilyB2013

I get these messages from my AXBF every day-- we still live under the same roof and whenever I'm not home, I'm guaranteed to get apology texts and the terribly insane texts--- constantly. I've learned to take EVERYTHING he says with a grain of salt and only respond to the messages that are reasonable and sane. Any messages that involve a pity party, anger, arguing, etc, I've stopped acknowledging.

Yes, I then immediately receive more terrible texts about blowing him off and disrespecting him... But my mental sanity is more important.

I would recommend the same. Take the texts, let his loved ones know, and then let them go. It's hard, but take care of your emotional safety!

deeker

If he's your x Keep it that way. All you can do is pray for him that he hits a bottom before he dies.. Don't let him bring you down. Don't let his behavior determine your day to day happiness.

You can still love him from afar. I sent so many of those texts in my life. It's just drunk dialing. If he says he is gonna end it all then def call in authorities to bakeract him. I am sure his family knows the condition he is in and feel totally helpless as well. Not much they can do until he hits bottom either.

Kindeyes

Exactly Jody. He isn't making any sense. They always come back. Always. And they do it to those they know are vulnerable. I am going to ditto the good sense of calling 911 if you are concerned about his immediate welfare. And I am going to vehemently disagree with another poster. No matter what happens......you do not carry any fault for it. That kind of thinking kept me in a bad marriage for five years because my XAH told me he'd kill himself if I left him. I believed him so I stayed. Now....30 years after divorcing him, he's still alive. He's still addicted. And he's still full of anger, resentment, and self loathing.

Your ex fiance is an adult. And he has the resources to get appropriate help. He just doesn't want to......yet.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It is hard. Very hard

gentle hugs
me

Jodie77

He doesn't want to reconcile, he just wanted to tell me he knows he messed up and he's a loser, etc. I'm fascinated by the fact that he professed his love and called me his "dream girl" and "losing me was 100% his fault" yet he's doing nothing to seek help. One moment he vows he's a screw up from drugs and in the same breath he says he's healing and working on it and can do it on his own.

So why, if he "lost the best thing that ever happened to him" will he still not get help? His behavior is confusing me. And no I won't reconcile. And yes I'm continuing in Alanon. This is just the first contact we've had since he left me 2 months ago, and I'm confused by his behavior. He said he wasn't on opiates anymore....

Jodie77

Also I do want to block his number. I'm just not ready to do that yet. But those of you who have heard my story I think I have made huge progress and huge strides since I've joined here. It hasn't even been 2 months yet since he called off the engagement...but I can honestly say I went from wanting to kill myself to slowly accepting that his disease is not my fault, nor is his abandonment, and I know I can't change/cure/cause it. So I'm getting there....

I'm just confused by his recent behavior. Why did he reach out to me if he doesn't want to reconcile and won't get help?

zoso77

Jodie,

When you find yourself going in circles like this, the answer to every question like this is he's an addict, and this is what addicts do. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself crackers.

ZoSo

zoso77

So block him. It is really that simple.

Hell, my AXGF tried texting me from a new phone number 3 days after Christmas. Figured out who that number belonged to and blocked that number within 2 minutes.

ZoSo

deeker

bananas too! sorry

AnvilheadII

Why did he reach out to me if he doesn't want to reconcile and won't get help?

cuz he can. as I said, he's sitting there all f'd up and NOBODY makes good cognizant decisions in that state. said gently, it has nothing to do with YOU....you're just another number in the book. he probably sent several self abasing messages to others. there IS no deeper meaning. if he was texting all night and into today I doubt it was from espresso............

Jodie77

This has been so unbelievably painful and maddening for me. It's gut wrenching. Thanks all for your support and words of wisdom. You all really have helped me get through this crisis in my life.

There's a side to me that is very logical. And that logic part of my brain wants to figure out why he is acting this way. I know it's because he's on drugs but what does that really mean? Does it mean by using drugs his cortex is messed up and he can't make proper decisions, does it mean he can't feel emotion bc he is numbing it out, does it mean he is unaware of the things he's saying/doing. I need a doctor to explain to me why addicts at this way under the influence, how his brain is affected, so that I can better understand the behavior. It's the rational/logical side of me that is screaming for answers.

EverHopeful721

I totally understand where you're coming from, Jodie.....I've often felt the exact same way over the last 6 weeks. But what we have to understand is that yes, although OUR rational/logical side is screaming for answers, it's screaming for answers that it's never going to get because the behavior in question is coming from very IRRATIONAL and ILLOGICAL people - drug addicts. What everyone has said above is right....we will drive ourselves crackers, bananas and insane trying to figure out why they do the things they do. They couldn't even tell us themselves, and my XA said that exact thing to me. The last night I saw him, when he was screaming at me to get the f*ck out of his house, he said to me, "I couldn't even explain it to you if I wanted to." I didn't understand what he meant at the time, but now I do. He couldn't explain it because he's not even in control of his own thoughts or behaviors - the cocaine is.

AnvilheadII

it's what drugs do. they are an artificial substance that affects our normal functioning. they alter mood, thinking, behaviors. have you never had slightly too much to drink? you get wobbly, warm, gets a bit harder to speak clearly and say your "S's" - ability to walk or drive becomes IMPAIRED. pain meds are designed to tell the body there IS no pain. caffeine "wakes" us up. too much food puts us in a lethargic coma. that's why they call it under the INFLUENCE.