sobriety did not last
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
sobriety did not last
Hello all. I am sad to say my husband did not stay sober. I wnated to share my updated story.
I agreed to cancel the nearly complete divorce last September and give the marriage another try based on his desire for a chance in sobriety. We had only been married two years when we broke up last summer.
I did well with what I learned with Al Anon during that breakup. I didn't try to control or follow or spy. I didn't do anything but enjoy the good times and hope they'd last. I did fall weak and ask how h was doing every now and then. And I can honestly say I noticed when he stopped talking about it, stopped counting the days, and I knew it was eventually going to be over by that change alone. If we learn here, and let ourselves see the signs, they are always there.
During the last 9 months I have had the best of times and the worst of times. In the beginning our relationship was becoming everything I dreamed it could be. But as he started drinking again, in secret for a long time, the bad times slowly returned. At first he worked real hard to be a good mate so I wouldn't know he had slipped. But, of course, slowly he stopped focusing on me and Jess, and started only focusing on himself. He got a new job with more drinkers, and was glad to jump happily back to that world of good times. And the new job made him feel better about himself, and less like he needed us. Eventually he didn't want to try to hide the drinking anymore, it got too hard, and from there the familiar old behaviors and moods all returned. He started saying how everything was my fault.
Now I am again heartbroken and traumatized. I am feeling in second place, to his drinking with the guys and hanging at the bars, and I am feeling all the same old hurts again. I am depressed, facing another round of break up and divorce activities. I am so heartsick, because I love him.
He is not willing to go back to the guy he promised to be when I agreed at another chance, and so he simply blames me for not accepting him the way he wants to be. I can't fix it, I know, yet it is so painful to end it (again).
Being the one making significantly more money and having everything in my name, I stand to lose so much for my darling dughter (not his) and me. So there is both emotional and financial stability pains and worries.
I wish I could post one of the rare happy endings here. But I can't.
Well, maybe I can. I can honestly say I am feeling a lot better this time than last time because of all I learned here. I will grieve the loss of my dream, the life I wanted to have with this man I love, and the promise he made of it and then took away. But I know that is what it is I am feeling. And I will know not to beat myself up trying to find a way to fix it, or change myself or him.
And I will focus a bit on how much I WON'T miss the incredible selfishness of him. If only I can find a way not to miss the love and affection, the companionship and the many things we share.
I agreed to cancel the nearly complete divorce last September and give the marriage another try based on his desire for a chance in sobriety. We had only been married two years when we broke up last summer.
I did well with what I learned with Al Anon during that breakup. I didn't try to control or follow or spy. I didn't do anything but enjoy the good times and hope they'd last. I did fall weak and ask how h was doing every now and then. And I can honestly say I noticed when he stopped talking about it, stopped counting the days, and I knew it was eventually going to be over by that change alone. If we learn here, and let ourselves see the signs, they are always there.
During the last 9 months I have had the best of times and the worst of times. In the beginning our relationship was becoming everything I dreamed it could be. But as he started drinking again, in secret for a long time, the bad times slowly returned. At first he worked real hard to be a good mate so I wouldn't know he had slipped. But, of course, slowly he stopped focusing on me and Jess, and started only focusing on himself. He got a new job with more drinkers, and was glad to jump happily back to that world of good times. And the new job made him feel better about himself, and less like he needed us. Eventually he didn't want to try to hide the drinking anymore, it got too hard, and from there the familiar old behaviors and moods all returned. He started saying how everything was my fault.
Now I am again heartbroken and traumatized. I am feeling in second place, to his drinking with the guys and hanging at the bars, and I am feeling all the same old hurts again. I am depressed, facing another round of break up and divorce activities. I am so heartsick, because I love him.
He is not willing to go back to the guy he promised to be when I agreed at another chance, and so he simply blames me for not accepting him the way he wants to be. I can't fix it, I know, yet it is so painful to end it (again).
Being the one making significantly more money and having everything in my name, I stand to lose so much for my darling dughter (not his) and me. So there is both emotional and financial stability pains and worries.
I wish I could post one of the rare happy endings here. But I can't.
Well, maybe I can. I can honestly say I am feeling a lot better this time than last time because of all I learned here. I will grieve the loss of my dream, the life I wanted to have with this man I love, and the promise he made of it and then took away. But I know that is what it is I am feeling. And I will know not to beat myself up trying to find a way to fix it, or change myself or him.
And I will focus a bit on how much I WON'T miss the incredible selfishness of him. If only I can find a way not to miss the love and affection, the companionship and the many things we share.
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Re: sobriety did not last
wow as i read your post i sit here wondering about my situation. i know everyone is different but i sit here and wish my ah would get recovery and then everything will be allright. but maybe i should just wait and not jump so fast if he does recover. it is a real scary thing to deal with because i still have my dreams too with him. its just too bad that they are so sick and don't see reality. they are so messed up and don't even want to face it. thank you for the post it will help me out alot. i was ready to jump right back to him if he recovers but now maybe i will just sit and watch and be his friend for a while.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Re: sobriety did not last
Journey1,
One thing about alcoholism and alcoholics.
The recovery rate is very low..........A.A has the highest success rate with it and that's about 5%.
We never recover we are always recovering.
If and when an active A does get into recovery they need alot of time and space to get on their feet in everyway.
The best thing for the spouses is to work on themselves and if coming back together is meant to be it will happen.
My S.O is a recovering addict and I;m a recovering alcoholic. Because we are both clean and sober doesn't guarantee sober forever. So the situation needs to be approached in a realistic way that hopefully we both stay in recovery. But it's a gamble.
That's why working on ourselves with a plan B is important.
So for your sake try not to jump back into your situation with your husband even if he does get into recovery.
Ngaire
One thing about alcoholism and alcoholics.
The recovery rate is very low..........A.A has the highest success rate with it and that's about 5%.
We never recover we are always recovering.
If and when an active A does get into recovery they need alot of time and space to get on their feet in everyway.
The best thing for the spouses is to work on themselves and if coming back together is meant to be it will happen.
My S.O is a recovering addict and I;m a recovering alcoholic. Because we are both clean and sober doesn't guarantee sober forever. So the situation needs to be approached in a realistic way that hopefully we both stay in recovery. But it's a gamble.
That's why working on ourselves with a plan B is important.
So for your sake try not to jump back into your situation with your husband even if he does get into recovery.
Ngaire
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