jm33075

I'm Brian. 36. Been at this since age 17. Despite how I've ignored all that was told me, yes, alcoholism is progressive. I know what I should do but despite knowing, I do the opposite. I've been in and out of the rooms and rehabs in my area for years and don't feel like I can go back again and say I need help because I failed to do what was suggested. I'm up to about a liter of vodka every 1-2 days and yet still attempt to portray a normal outward appearance. I should mention I speak to no one throughout the day besides clients. I have one friend left who I may talk to every month or so. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I pretty much know what I'm going to hear back and I pretty much know I'll ignore all advice. I'm really just sick of being in a state of non-living but not willing to give up the only thing that makes me feel alive.

SoberD

Well, I won't give advice but just share that in my experience, I actually feel more alive after gaining some sobriety...

jm33075

I appreciate your response and I agree with that but I've tried many groups and never really felt like I was a part of any of them and I've always made attempts at ingratiating myself as did those in the group for the most part. No matter where I was, I felt just as alone as I did while drinking. Many groups had unwritten rules where newcomers weren't really a part of the main group, or at least that's how it felt. I've had many sponsors and they want me to call but when I call they're not there and I hear "they're busy". That wasn't just one group. I'd never blame anyone for my own choices but if that's their way of sobriety it seems odd. It seems like drinking is my choice and I should be doing it by myself.

SoberD

I've never gone to meetings, had sponsors, etc. but I will say that there are people here always ready, willing, and able to help 24/7. Certainly, some face-to-face support is nice too but as you know, ultimately staying sober or drinking is your choice, whether people are present or not. For me, the benefits of choosing to stay sober just become clearer the longer I go without drinking. Have you had any recent extended periods without drinking?

jm33075

Yes, I've had almost 2 years without drinking but was told by members of AA that I'd surely go back to being a drunk since I wasn't following their exact requirements from a-z. I'm not religious and have a difficult time giving up control over anything. I've never become drunk accidentally. I've always picked up a drink with my own hands and drank until I passed out. How is a so-called God doing that for me?

SoberD

Not religious at all either - In fact, I'm an atheist. I guess for me, it all comes down to how bad I want it, irrespective of any other human being in the world. This is my life and the only life I will ever have so the question is simply whether it will be better drunk, or better sober. I've found that there is no moderate middle ground and yes, there have been times where I debated just going through life drunk - however, cost-benefit analysis leads me to believe that sobriety is a better decision...

jm33075

Thanks for the input. So it pretty much came down to what I thought. Everyone else is useless. If I want to quit I will, if I don't I'll proceed on the proposed path I'm supposed to take.

SoberD

You and I are not far apart in age and I too, got started at 16-17. No, "people are not useless" - the point is simply that while some people help and other people detract, ultimately you get to decide whether you want to be sober or drunk. Helpful people can make this easier and unhelpful people make it harder. You did 2 years! That's more than I ever had - so surely you can do more if you want this badly enough for yourself.

LonerMan

Some people never get sober.

They're the ones who just don't want to stop. Sure, they'll have their moments of regret and self-loathing and reach out for sympathy in the darkest of times, but in the end, they'll die drunk.

When I was out there (over 31 years ago), the laws weren't as strict and booze was cheap. I'd hate being a drunk now. Nobody thinks it cute and you smell, too.

FreedomWon

Hi Brian,
I'm glad you're here. It sounds like you have plenty of experience in recovery. What is amazing to me are the words you wrote, "I'm really just sick of being in a state of non-living but not willing to give up the only thing that makes me feel alive."

That could have been my anthem. And the isolation...I so relate. It was my cocoon experience that kept me there, I guess.

I couldn't imagine life being better without it. With little sobriety under my belt, I doubt that I could make a very compelling pitch that could compete with the feelings you're talking about. I can only tell you that my understanding is replete.

I was afraid that life couldn't possibly be interesting without booze. I've only a month under my belt and I can tell you what you already know I'm going to say. My life is better now. And I want the same for you.

I hope you'll keep coming back to this site and sharing. There are a lot of good people here who really do care about what you're going through and I'm one of them.

Thank you for your post. You made me think!
FreedomWon

shauninspain

It took me absolutely ages to get the 1st step, and as a result I bounced in and out of AA for about 10 years. Part of the reason why I drank was because deep down I really didn't care if I lived or died. If at any point someone had come up to me and said 'Shaun... you have 48 hours left, and then we're pulling the plug', I really couldn't have cared less. I'd have gone to the nearest shop, bought 6 liters of white cider, and an assortment of spirits, and gotten plastered. And yet I had everything to live for.

Today I am working on my attitude to life, but most importantly, my attitude towards me. I can see that early experiences in my life shaped my level of self worth, and I try to see the bigger picture. Most days I am quite content, some days I revert to type, but I make sure that I get to bed without a drink, and hope that my mental state will improve, as it always does.

I hope that today you can see yourself as a person that deserves to live free of pain. And that you can treat yourself with care and compassion. All the very best.

fantail

Have you considered seeing an addiction counselor? I'm at two months and haven't been doing meetings (I'll try them at some point but on paper they don't appeal to me). I am though looking into a counselor. I've never, ever spoken to someone in person about my alcoholism... except admitting it to the ER doctor when I got sick, and even that was terrifying. I feel like some one on one time with someone who knows the ropes will help me figure out a plan that's perhaps a little bit more suited to me than the programs I've looked at.

Best of luck to you. There are a lot of ways to get out of this.