pattyG

My XAGF and I go to court next Wed 4/17. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Suddenly, last Monday I started getting texts and phone calls from my X. At first it felt good, to be able to vent my anger, telling her I had changed my mind after all of this h3ll she has created and if she loses I'm not letting her see the kids. Initially, I had told her if she lost, I would work out something so she could see them, SHE had said she would walk away because she wasn't going to have me controlling her thru them for the rest of her life. I had intended to let her see them, but really had no idea what that would look like. Since spending $350/hr on a lawyer and firing the babysitter, and being subjected to her nasty facebook posts....I decided that I don't know what I want, as far as her seeing the kids.
She has continued to text me about missing them, missing me, etc. I still love her and part of me gets elated when I see those texts. Then another part of me drops because I realize that she is probably manipulating me because she needs a back-up plan in case she loses. I remember that she has lied and hidden so many things that I don't trust her. Then I feel guilty because I know taking the kids out of her life is going to hurt her and them. They still mention her constantly, my 3yo has now made her into an imaginary friend. Yet, I feel like if I do let her see them, I just circumvented any natural consequences of her actions. She takes me to court over MY kids, and then loses, but thats okay you can see them anyway??? Codependent craziness at its finest.
I am away from home traveling (again) right now. I have avoided her calls and not let her know how upset I am. I worked myself into a tizzy today because I felt terrible keeping her and the kids apart, felt like alot of this was my fault because of my actions (that last weekend I was very upset because my mom was in the hospital and I needed her but she wasn't there), and I was sad because I know she and I aren't good for each other, in fact we are terrible for each other. Calling the relationship toxic is an understatement. Then I cried because of stress, and loss and not knowing the right answer.

redatlanta

Well I am glad that at least next week this can be done.

Look - your kids aren't going to be permanently wrecked by her not being in their lives. Children are quite resilient - they have a change at having a really good life without having and alcoholic in the mix.

Perhaps she really does miss them; however, nothing she has done should be a reward for he incredibly poor and vindictive behavior. What she has done to you is appalling. Even when you told her she could see the kids if she lost (why????) she told you she wouldn't because you don't control her. What's this all about really THE KIDS???? Nah....if it was about the kids then she would jump at a chance to see them not dismiss a chance to see them.

The only guilt you should ever feel is when you think about exposing your children to an alcoholic. Really - Don't. Stop communicating with her it's NOT healthy for you.

Good luck next week and please let us know what happens.

LexieCat

You already KNOW the right answer--the problem is that you still haven't ACCEPTED it. You still haven't fully accepted that she is who she is.

I agree with everything redatlanta said. Your kids will be fine. If you were to allow her to remain part of their lives, do you honestly think the drama would end? Nope--and they would be stuck right in the middle of it, with her telling them she would be their "mom" if it weren't for you. It isn't good for kids to be in the middle of adult drama--and it's worse when they are the focus of that drama.

Your kids can grieve her loss, the same way they would if she had died. They do not NEED her in their lives. We all experience losses in life. Best friends move away or dump us. Grandparents or other relatives die. Pets die. We all learn to move on from those losses. It's OK that they miss her. The answer is not to bring her back.

Hugs, good luck this week.