sunflowergal29

Ok- in my last post, I was really frustrated over how my h reacted to me making him leave b/c he was obviously drunk. I had told him, come back when you've sobered up, and so he did- at 1:30am. Fine, I did the usual thing- are you drunk still, etc (he was more tipsy than falling over drunk @8:30 when he came here). No- he'd sobered up, walked along the highway for a few hours.
Fine, we were getting along and then suddenly he decides to tell me something and expect no reaction out of me. Please tell me if you think I overreacted here.
First of all- as far as I know he has never cheated, and trust me I've played detective many times, LOL. I was cheated on repeatedly by my 1st born son's dad and by my ex, so I know I have some trust issues. I also have a hard time believing that he hasn't.
Well- he says something like this, " I know you're probably going to think I f-ed around on you, but I have to tell you where I went on my way back home. I was over at Cindy O..'s house for about an hour. I needed a drink of water after all that walking along the hwy, and Lloyd wasn't home/up." Ok- Cindy is his boss's ex who has admitted to sleeping w/ 23 people in the last 2 yrs, plus she slept around on his boss many times w/ anyone she got a chance to. She is not the most attractive looking thing and is pretty mentally messed up, 10 yrs older than him. Lloyd lives right next door to Cindy, and they used to work together. However, his parents live 1 whole block from there.
I flew off the handle- why the f would you go to her house for a glass of water? I'm not stupid!!!! And of course, he gets p-ed off b/c I am upset- leaves to stay @ his moms. Before he goes he tells me that I should trust him, that he told me b/c he was trying to be honest (and a quack quack, quack!!!). So- I go for a little walk- Cindy's house is just 2 blocks from here- no sign of him in the window, but she did leave her door open (screen door was the only thing open), music blaring, obviously for any company that may or may not show. I got back home and he phones to let me know he is at his mom's. I have a hard time believing that he plans on just staying there.
So- does this sound like an overreaction? I've been cheated on more times than I can count by the other 2 men I was with. My instinct is telling me there is more going on here, and frankly I have a hard time believing that if given the opportunity, many men in this position wouldn't cheat.
Please- I need some feedback.

prodigal

Well, this may sound like a really dumb question, but why do you keep getting involved with men who cheat? It may very well be that the only thing your guy did was stop by Cindy's to get a water, but with your history, it's natural to be suspicious - I certainly would be!

I think the first order of business is for you to find out what you're doing with unfaithful men rather than why your current love was at Cindy's .... he may very well have been f***ing around on you. If so, the problem lies more with the type of men you're involved with rather than their problem with fidelity.

sunflowergal29

Oh- I totally agree! That was one reason why I came here in Dec. I totally could see a pattern w/ my lovelife. The 1st guy I was with when I was 15-17, and at that time I was pregnant and didn't know how to get out of the bs.
The 2nd guy I was married to and I was scared to be alone w/ my 3 small kids- I had the 2nd at 18, third at 20. I left him for my current when I was 24. Most of the cheating from the 2nd I didn't even find out about until after we divorced- he even had 3 sums with a couple behind my back.
But this one- up until now, 5 years later, I haven't had really any indication that the cheating was happening, until tonight. The signs are there and it is all too familiar for me.

myles1

I don't know, that's a hard call SunflowerGirl.

You can't control it if he is cheating. If he is then he's made a choice and will have to live with whatever consequences.

You can only deal with yourself. I guess it's like Prodigal said you've got to work on why you put yourself in these situations. Putting the focus on him is only wasted energy and by the way gives him all the power and totally disempowers you.

Ngaire

sunflowergal29

Thanks for your input, Myles. Now that I've gotten some sleep, I feel less out of control, but I woke up with some new thoughts on this. Ok- throughout the last 5 years, there has never been a time when he has told me that he's been at another woman's house (not one in this woman's position). This doesn't mean that he hasn't done it in the past, but the behavior of last night is not the norm for him, which I guess is why I think he probably did. I am not even going to sweat it and give him that power today. If he is cheating, I will find out- I live in a small town of about 1000 people, and it'll come out. Until then, I will detach and try and look at this with open eyes.

myles1

The other thought I had about it Sunflowergirl is that you've recently set boundaries with him so in his manipulative,passive aggressive way he's probably trying to punish you for that.

This doesn't make it right what he is doing though,very childish among other things.

Just my thoughts on it. Good luck.


Ngaire

Debbie

Would Cindy tell you the truth? Ask her. If he's cheated, say bye bye. I hope that he hasn't if you really care about him. I wish you the best.

Take care.
Debbie

Crazy Mary

Hey Sunflowergal! How are you doing today? I didn't have a chance to respond the other day, but I have been thinking about you...

dax

First I would like to say that it is no way your fault your men cheat. That is a defect in them. trust your gut. I think he probaly crossed the line. My H never cheated on me while drinking. He was long time sober and had a long time affair in AA with a woman also with long time sobriety. They used the cover of going to AA meeting to carry on the affair. She would never apologize -just sorry they got caught. I like a good little alanon let him go to as many meeting as possible. I think those in alanon shpould warn people that AA is a hot bed for afairs. I have since found this out. I am very disallusioned by both programs because of this. The best to you. remember this is in no way your fault. hugs dax

myles1

Hi Dax,

A.A is only a hotbed for affairs if you want it to be. Most people go to stay sober and it's definitely not Alanons responsibility to warn people of anything.

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons not because they go to A.A.

Thanks

Ngaire

sunflowergal29

I am doing ok. He happened to go on here the other day (1st time he says, happened to stumble across it when he was trying to fix some problem w/ the computer). Whatever- he wasn't too impressed that he found what I'd wrote in this thread. I decided to drop the issue of Cindy. I really had no proof that he had cheated, even though I had proof he did something that I didn't approve of/crossed a line. Either way, unless I find out different, I've decided that I need to not let it overpower me. I need to keep the focus on me, on setting my boundaries and working on my own pile of issues. This whole event did teach me something- in my Step 4/5 I have yet another issue that needs to be addressed (the affairs). I know I didn't cause it, but I was really overwhelmed with how deep the pain still goes from the affairs that my 1st husband had.
One day at a time I'll get it all figured out.

sunflowergal29

BTW: Thanks for your responses to this thread- it has helped me more than you'll ever know!!
-SFG29

dax

Well I think it is alanons respibsibility to be truthfdul. They think AA is the greast thing since white bread. To be truthful it is a program without any real rules, A bunch of sick people helping even sicker ones. And looking the way at any unacceptable behaior because they are so frigging afraid to interfere in any one's else's program no mater how rotten and devious they are. My therapist is also a recovered alcoholic and will not even go to the closed Post Oak club here in Houston- the behavior is so unacceptable. Affairs do happen evewrywhere. Hey if he been at the office every evening and a good part of the weekends I would have been suspicious.But those two knew I was trusting and took advantage-and other program people covered for them.

sunflowergal29

Dax...
I'm not sure if you realize this or not but there are many among us here at this site who are also AA members, many who have changed their lives for the better and have AA to thank. Yes, some are sick, but there are many who are working their program and are healthier than a lot of people. Just thought I'd add this- not trying to offend you, just wanted to let you know.
-SFG29

myles1

Dax,
I'm sorry your husband had an affair but it's really not the fault of A.A or Alanon that happened.
Not all A.A meetings are like that, like I said some people will use it as a preying ground, others go to get sober, depends what you want.

People can, if they want, have affairs anywhere.

I'm an A.A member and I'm finding your accusations about A.A a little offensive.

Thanks

Ngaire

dax

It is you right to be offended. I am offended when AA people will not admit to anything being wrong with the program. Just take what you need and leave the rest. we all have different experiences here. Notice I have not posted anything negative on the AA board. I will say this. In the last 5 years, my h and I went to many chapter 9 meetings. I was appalled how the AA members and 'career' alanons bashed people not in the progra.m saying they didnt'get it' and lived disfunctional lives. I was so offended one evening, I stood and and stated that It was my'normal friends' that helped me through a recent[the affair] crises. In this way I think AA boarders on being a cult. Some members never have any friends out side the program. this to me is not recoery. dax

McKrazy

I think it's not a matter of being in AA or not. I could to to a million AA meetings with the most wonderful people in the world, and you know what. I will never have an affair. Why? Because I wont let myself do that. It's not in my personality, however you want to say it. Someone who's unhappy with themself, their relationship, their life, has esteem issues, has family of origin issues, has little self-control, or just happens to be vulnerable in that area..... it wouldn't matter where they were or what they were doing, they may get hooked on the idea of the "new romance" or the "great sex", or the "feeling understood", etc. Point is, it's the person, not the venue at fault for the affair. It's not your fault, it's your husband's. He was weak, he was available, and he got caught apparently. I think the point that it was at AA is just where he happened to be. I'm sure he probably also practiced discretion unless he's an idiot, so the other members would not have had to "cover" for him at all. I'm sorry for that betrayal for you, though, that must have hurt like H***, and it sounds like you are still hurting. I hope you find some answers and healing here. Take care!

myles1

SFG,

I've been thinking about your post and yes your husband did cross a line no doubt about that and it's not right.

When I set boundaries with my ex he started doing really ridiculous things, going out dancing and making sure I knew about it because he knew I'd be hurt. He was so caught up in trying to punish me and take back his control because I had set my limits with him.

I have the feeling that is what your husband is trying to do because you set your limits with him. He very well has not cheated, he just wanted you to know that he went to her house for a glass of water. Why? Well maybe you'll back down on your boundaries.

It's a drag all this stuff.

Ngaire

sunflowergal29

Thanks, Myles. I think you may have a point here!!
-SFG29

myles1

Hi,

There is just too much coincidence between those 2 events, you setting boundaries and him suddenly needing a glass of water at a females house.

:laugh2:

Ngaire