Journey2

Hi....
I am struggling with how to Let go and Let GOD......I am divorced from XAH he seems to have found recovery 3 years after our divorce. He has also found a new girlfriend who is deeply spiritual and he professes his love for her constantly on fb ( i know!! Why am I checkingnFB!). My struggle is letting go of the jealousy, and injustice I feel! I feel like why was he able to find God, find amazing love, and get a second chance so quickly..he hasn't been clean these past three years......he has relapsed and recently started working ,i think, his program. he has no relationship with his children but is being saved by his new found faith in God. i feel terrible for judging his faith. Who am i to know for sure, maybe he has found God. I feel like I have been faithful and always seeking God's will and I have followed my gut. Like many of you my life with the addict was dark and unbearable. I can forgive but the scars left behind on my heart can not be erased. I know I couldn't have a relationship with him because of how myself and my children were treated. I couldn't risk going back to him for myself but mostly to protect my children from harm.
So what is wrong with me?! Why can't I let it go, why am I resisting the present when I don't even want him back, I am so jealous he has finally made it and she gets the reward. I want to give it to God, I say I am giving it to God, but I still obsess......how do I stop!! I am still giving my x the power over my life! And I want it back.......3 years is long enough! Please help....thank you!

suki44883

Perhaps you can start by blocking his name on facebook. Continuing to read what is going on in his life is doing nothing except making you miserable.

I have heard that some people give themselves a certain amount of time each day, say 15-20 minutes to yell, scream, beat a pillow, cry, or do whatever they need to get it out. Then, they refuse to think about it for the rest of the day.

You also might check into some therapy for yourself. Sometimes just talking about how you are feeling can be a huge help.

I hope you are able to find a way to get past this and make a new and happy life for yourself and your children.

Journey2

Thank you! I am in therapy and my therapist has gently but honestly told me it is time to let this go......I just don't know how. I am starting to feel like there is truly something wrong with me.....and that is why I can't completly give it over to God..... She has given me a visual similar to your advice about only giving it a little bit of your day and then leaving it. Ugggghhhhh I thought I did the work these past 3 years....guess I really haven't done enough yet. Thanks

Chino

The next time you're about ready to stalk his facebook, give it to God and walk away. You'll find out in a matter of moments if you're able and want to stop.

neferkamichael

Hey Journey, sounds like to me you are struggling with resentments concerning the X. I don't believe for a second his new life is better, he's already relapsed in this 3 year period? It's probably just a front. It's hard to leave the past behind I know that for a fact. Definitely 3 years is to long Journey. As far as FB goes, he probably knows what it's doing to you, so quit looking at it, please. Rootin for ya Journey.

suki44883

It's going to have to be a conscious effort on your part. You may have to FORCE yourself to delete him on Facebook. You are going to have to FORCE yourself to not think of him. In time, if you are consistent, it will become easier. It may take many years for the resentment to completely stop, but in the meantime, you won't be allowing it to consume your every thought. It will get easier, but you have to make it happen.

LoveMeNow

Comparing is the thief of our own joy. Stop robbing yourself!!

I found writing a daily gratitude list helped me stay in today and have a more positive attitude.

Journey2

Thank you for your honesty and time for reaching out. Good advice and I am realizing I have to work harder consciously to make this happen. I will start with stopping myself each time I go to check fb and give it to God. It has already worked this morning!

Journey2

LMN thank you....I read so many of your posts and I am inspired by your strength and positive attitude. I have so much to be greatful for and need to stay present.

deeker

IMHO I have a hard time believing he has found God and doesn't feel any responsibilty to his own children, but I could be wrong, God may be doin something in his heart.

Well just like addicts have to hit bottom. You will have to hit an emotional bottom, a place when you decide that your peace of mind is more important then what you are feeling now. What ever you are feeling or thinking is only hurting yourself. You have to find acceptance. You have to find forgiveness , not for him but for yourself. Because if you don't it will eat you up.

Whenever I feel angry, upset, jealousy, intolerance, impatience, procrastination etc. That is me living in self will, believing that I can some how control a situation. When I have to high expectations I will be let down. It will steal my peace.

The question I ask myself is how long do I want to live in this misery. I have a choice today. I have a choice to not give away my peace.

When I worked the 3rd step in AA ,Turn It Over, I turn it over to God but it requires action on my part, and began to learn how to apply it to every day situations, I had a huge revelation. I was responsible for my own madness.
I can set boundaries today in my mind. I have learned how to just not let stuff in. Such as spiritual pollution, negative people, negative contact, negative TV shows, gossip and yes facebook. You really need to stay away from his facebook. Do it for you!

Are you in Al- anon? maybe check it out.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.

LoveMeNow

Thank you! Learning to stop comparing and future tripping has been a real struggle for me. It's something I really have had to work on and sometimes still need a nudge in the right direction.

But honestly, doing a daily gratitude list has been very helpful. Often times, I write silly or trivial things that I would just taken for granted before.

This morning I watched a beautiful blue jay while drinking my cup of coffee. I loved watching him and feel grateful I did. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped remembering how to stop and take the time to smell the flowers.

You get to enjoy raising your children and seeing life through their eyes. Kids know how to smell the flowers. He is losing out on one of Gods biggest blessings. There is no comparison in that.

MsBubbles88

My heart goes out to you... for real. I have experienced similar pain and heartache just within the past 6 weeks. No other woman involved, but a break-up that as left me floundering and questioning my God's Will for my life... even though it's not for me to question but to embrace. The whole "not knowing" builds my faith and trust.

This may sound funny but it works for me... I literally walk around and when I feel like I'm taking control back I say outloud, as loud as I want... "I let go, God! Take it!" If I have to say this a thousand times, then that is what I do. I read pages 86-88 in the big book every morning and nght and I pray the 3rd step and 7th step prayers. I mediate in the am as well, for however long I can.

It works, it really does. The big book tells me that the spiritual life is not a theory, I must live it. I am willing... and I grow and can experience peace in the midst of what I may deem, "The Storm" Pfft! Whatever that means.

I wish you the best.

broken101

Journey,
SR has so many great people who have great advice and who has come a long way in their recovery. I tried to take all the advice I was given here some of it worked for me like I was able to cut contact but some of it such as what you are feeling right now I had to experience for myself.

I caught my exbf cheating on me on Craigslist in January and thou he had taken me to a different state I l left for good as I hit my rock bottom (I tried to OD with sleeping pills) that was the lowest point in my life

What has worked for me I that I do allow myself time to cry, be angry, sad, depressed and go through all the emotions. But it was just not affecting me anymore it was also affecting the people I was around the people who loves me and wants the best for me. My friends and family were tired of hearing the same old story and I could not let it affect them or me anymore.

So when I feel like the emotions are coming I quickly turn it over to my Higher Power. I ask that he left me forgive and be able to move on. I close my eyes no matter where I am and take a deep breath and I found that it does work 98% of the time. Which is not bad but don't let what he is doing, who he is with, if he is happy or not ruin your day, think about it this way, he isn't thinking about you so why give a s*** about him. I know you still love him and maybe always will I do with my ex but I will do it from a place where it is safe for me where I cannot and will not allow him to hurt me again.

EverHopeful721

I followed this thread the other day when it was posted, but I'm glad I came back and read it again today, as it is definitely something I am currently struggling with. Thank you to all of those that left some great advice and words of wisdom that I will definitely be trying to put into practice! And I hope that you are also feeling better, Journey, and finding ways to 'let go and let God!' Thanks for starting this thread.

Kindeyes

You're doing more ok than you are giving yourself credit for.....you are acknowledging the issue, you want to change how it affects you, and that is what it takes to start the process of letting go.

So what's the next step? LMN had a great idea....one that works well for me too. There is another wonderful Melody Beattie book that is seldom mentioned here on SR called "Make Miracles in 40 Days". It presents an exercise that involves having a gratitude buddy. I did this exercise via email with a person who has become very dear to me. Every single day for around 60 days (we extended beyond the 40 days), we wrote an email to each other listing five things we were grateful for. Melody promises a miracle at the end of those 40 days.....and it worked. I did get a miracle that changed my life.

Focusing on myself, focusing on gratitude, life became clearer. I let go of resentment. I let go of my son and his addiction. My mind cleared of that ever present, nagging voice that held me captive. My life became more manageable and I found joy and laughter again.

When you want something bad enough, you're willing to work hard to get it. It works if you work it.

gentle hugs
ke

Journey2

Hi EverHopeful,
I too continue to re read the advice posted. I am working to FORCE myself to let go and let God. Honestly I haven't been very successful. I notice that my obsession with checking in on my x on fb is a very old and bad habit. It is something I did when we were married......I am an expert private investigator.....I can remember crawling on the bathroom floor looking for evidence of his drug use and finding it yet the satisfaction of finding the evidence did me no good...disgusting and embarrassing. So I continue to look for evidence of his dishonesty any crumb that will prove his life is not better because if I can prove he is not really better than I feel better. I am ashamed to reveal those feelings.......I feel such injustice that he gets his life and a love/soulmate and I am left with the pain of our long dark life together.

Things I have been doing are walking and talking to God the whole way, constantly stopping myself and saying Stop.....take this God, it works for a little while then I slip back into negativity. Ughhhhhh

I also purchased the book Make Miracles in Forty Days by Melody Beattie.......her style of writing has always been an inspiration to me. The book teaches you how to go through a daily 10 minute exercise similar to a daily gratitude list but with a twist. The activity asks you to be grateful for your negative feelings......I know sounds strange. I know I have to do the WORK to move beyond my feelings. I am realizing that I always try to be the better person, show compassion for the rxah, fake it till I make it.......however in this process I am stuffing my true anger, sadness, grief, resentment. You aren't supposed to hold resentment, you aren't supposed to stay angry or stuck in grief! Well maybe I haven't given myself permission to BE angry, Be sad, Be resentful......maybe I need to really feel those feelings before I can release them. Ughhhhhhhhhh........

Hanna

I can second this. I've done the "Make Miracles in 40 Days" work, too. It's awesome!

Journey if you block their accounts on FB it will make it a little harder to see this because you will have to go through the steps to unblock them in order to do so.

To me it sounds like you are picking at a scab. Maybe you need to do this in order to heal. But ask yourself what you truly want to gain by thinking about this situation obsessively? Do you think you would feel better about what occurred between you if you had proof that truly unloved and unhappy? How long would you like that to extend? Would it make you feel justified to learn he is permanently unable to have a relationship?

I agree with others, the likelihood is that things are not as they appear in their relationship, but your happiness should not be connected to that.

You might be very close to sorting this out for yourself.

Journey2

Talk about an aha moment!!!!

KE immediately after posting my response to EverHopeful I read your post!!! It made me laugh out loud with joy! I am being guided!!

Hanna you are sooooo right I am picking at a scab! Ughhhh
And yet another affirmation from your post about Making Miracles in Forty Days!

EverHopeful721

The activity asks you to be grateful for your negative feelings......I know sounds strange. I know I have to do the WORK to move beyond my feelings. I am realizing that I always try to be the better person, show compassion for the rxah, fake it till I make it.......however in this process I am stuffing my true anger, sadness, grief, resentment. You aren't supposed to hold resentment, you aren't supposed to stay angry or stuck in grief! Well maybe I haven't given myself permission to BE angry, Be sad, Be resentful......maybe I need to really feel those feelings before I can release them.

^^^^^I really like what you said here, Journey. It sounds like an exercise that I could also benefit from, as I have also been 'stuffing' my negative feelings about my XA. Everyone keeps asking me why I'm not angrier, etc. (I know part of it is because I've always kept such a tight control over my anger, so as not to 'make waves.' But I also have to admit, because I do keep such tight control over my anger most of the time, when I finally reach my limit and 'snap,' it comes out with a vengeance! So I'm kind of afraid to let it go.) I see Kindeyes did the Making Miracles in Forty Days with a partner. Do you have to have a partner to do it, or can you do it on your own?

Hanna

I did it on my own in 2011 so yes, you can do it on your own.

I actually found it fun at times to just sit and write everything that I couldn't stand in my life. Definitely helped me let things go and I was amazed at the things that started happening around me.

Coincidentally, I just started again today before I read this thread. Am excited about the work.