Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Update
Well, last night ABF and I had a big blow up. To recap for those who don't know the story, my ABF is a binge drinker. He goes out two nights per week but is usually sober the rest of the time (not that that makes him less of an A). We are expecting a daughter in August. I told him the binge drinking/clubbing must be cut waaaayyyy down or stop by the time she is born.
Anyway, the current plan was (and maybe still is, I really don't know at this point) to wait and see if he can cut down or quit. He told me he was going to taper off and then possibly quit. Before anyone says so, yes, I know that most of you who have been there/done that see where this is going, and most of you feel it is better to get out now. While I suspect you are probably right, he has managed to cut down long term from where he was two years ago and while I know it probably won't last until he seeks recovery, I feel in my gut (or felt, before last night) that it was best to ride it out and see what happens before our daughter is born. I feel like he is close to seeking help, and so I want to see what happens in the next 4 months.
Anyway. Two days ago we had had a heart to heart about this and he admitted that he was going to need to quit. He also said that he didn't think he was ready for cold turkey yet though and that he was going to try to cut down first before he made a decision to stop once and for all. While I did not and do not agree with this, I decided to give him that opportunity to try before I issued any sort of ultimatum. That was both he and I will know that he tried all the usual crap like cutting down, etc. and it didn't work. The reason I am ok with that is because I am also in recovery (coming up on one year!) and I know I could not commit to finally quitting until I felt like I had exhausted all of those avenues and fell flat on my face.
Last night, he calls me when he is done with work. He asks if I would be terribly disappointed if he went out for 1-2 drinks. I said yes, I would be disappointed, and that I know he is stronger than that. After all, it had only been 4 days. He can surely go longer than that. So he said ok, he would call me for a ride as soon as he was completely finished.
He called about 20 minutes late. You guessed it, he caved. I did come get him (and I NEVER do that - part of my stand on not enabling him) because he seemed like he wanted to talk. I thought that maybe striking while the iron is hot (e.g. he is feeling bad about it) might prompt him to admit he needs recovery.
Fat chance! What was I thinking!!!
Even though he only has a "few" drinks and was not completely drunk when I came to get him, by the time I got there, he was in full belligerent mode. Suddenly, it was MY fault for not letting him drink twice a week, as we agreed. I always nag him, etc etc. Anything to take the focus off him. Typical.
I calmly restated my case - that he said he was going to cut down and then he immediately fell off the wagon. I reiterated that I was willing to let him see where trying to cut down takes him until our daughter is born, but that if he can't figure it out by then, it will probably be over (I did not issue a firm ultimatum because I am not ready to back it up yet.)
He stated that he wanted to taper off and then quit, and that he knew he had to quit. But then (because he had too much to drink) he reversed himself and said that going out twice a week does not make him a bad parent. He just doesn't seem to get the concept of normal "going out" and addictive "going out" in which you MUST stay until 2 am and spend far too much money/get so wasted you can't walk.
He got more and more agitated and said I need to just leave him alone and let him think. Of course, I was so worked up I did not. Huge mistake on my part. Finally, before things got out of hand, I said "you are right. Let's talk about this later. I am going to bed." And I did.
He comes to bed at 5am. He gave me a hug. I said, "I do not want to fight with you. You know I am only saying any of this because I love you, right? Are we going to get through this?" And he went stone cold and said he didn't want to talk about it. So I let it go.
It is now almost 8am my time. He is still sleeping, and probably will continue to do so until noon or so. From there, it could go either way. He could be ready to discuss recovery, or he could maintain his stance from last night that he is just fine.
I am afraid either way, honestly. He seemed so close to getting help. Then, just like always, it became my fault.
I am afraid to leave because I do believe that he will get sober. It may just not be soon enough, and that remains to be seen. I also am afraid to stay because, although my kids never see him drunk because he goes out and comes home after they are in bed, I know that the present situation is not good for them. It is a total catch-22 and I feel like I am screwed either way.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It helps me so much that there are people out there with the same issues that I have and that there is someone to listen.
Anyway, the current plan was (and maybe still is, I really don't know at this point) to wait and see if he can cut down or quit. He told me he was going to taper off and then possibly quit. Before anyone says so, yes, I know that most of you who have been there/done that see where this is going, and most of you feel it is better to get out now. While I suspect you are probably right, he has managed to cut down long term from where he was two years ago and while I know it probably won't last until he seeks recovery, I feel in my gut (or felt, before last night) that it was best to ride it out and see what happens before our daughter is born. I feel like he is close to seeking help, and so I want to see what happens in the next 4 months.
Anyway. Two days ago we had had a heart to heart about this and he admitted that he was going to need to quit. He also said that he didn't think he was ready for cold turkey yet though and that he was going to try to cut down first before he made a decision to stop once and for all. While I did not and do not agree with this, I decided to give him that opportunity to try before I issued any sort of ultimatum. That was both he and I will know that he tried all the usual crap like cutting down, etc. and it didn't work. The reason I am ok with that is because I am also in recovery (coming up on one year!) and I know I could not commit to finally quitting until I felt like I had exhausted all of those avenues and fell flat on my face.
Last night, he calls me when he is done with work. He asks if I would be terribly disappointed if he went out for 1-2 drinks. I said yes, I would be disappointed, and that I know he is stronger than that. After all, it had only been 4 days. He can surely go longer than that. So he said ok, he would call me for a ride as soon as he was completely finished.
He called about 20 minutes late. You guessed it, he caved. I did come get him (and I NEVER do that - part of my stand on not enabling him) because he seemed like he wanted to talk. I thought that maybe striking while the iron is hot (e.g. he is feeling bad about it) might prompt him to admit he needs recovery.
Fat chance! What was I thinking!!!
Even though he only has a "few" drinks and was not completely drunk when I came to get him, by the time I got there, he was in full belligerent mode. Suddenly, it was MY fault for not letting him drink twice a week, as we agreed. I always nag him, etc etc. Anything to take the focus off him. Typical.
I calmly restated my case - that he said he was going to cut down and then he immediately fell off the wagon. I reiterated that I was willing to let him see where trying to cut down takes him until our daughter is born, but that if he can't figure it out by then, it will probably be over (I did not issue a firm ultimatum because I am not ready to back it up yet.)
He stated that he wanted to taper off and then quit, and that he knew he had to quit. But then (because he had too much to drink) he reversed himself and said that going out twice a week does not make him a bad parent. He just doesn't seem to get the concept of normal "going out" and addictive "going out" in which you MUST stay until 2 am and spend far too much money/get so wasted you can't walk.
He got more and more agitated and said I need to just leave him alone and let him think. Of course, I was so worked up I did not. Huge mistake on my part. Finally, before things got out of hand, I said "you are right. Let's talk about this later. I am going to bed." And I did.
He comes to bed at 5am. He gave me a hug. I said, "I do not want to fight with you. You know I am only saying any of this because I love you, right? Are we going to get through this?" And he went stone cold and said he didn't want to talk about it. So I let it go.
It is now almost 8am my time. He is still sleeping, and probably will continue to do so until noon or so. From there, it could go either way. He could be ready to discuss recovery, or he could maintain his stance from last night that he is just fine.
I am afraid either way, honestly. He seemed so close to getting help. Then, just like always, it became my fault.
I am afraid to leave because I do believe that he will get sober. It may just not be soon enough, and that remains to be seen. I also am afraid to stay because, although my kids never see him drunk because he goes out and comes home after they are in bed, I know that the present situation is not good for them. It is a total catch-22 and I feel like I am screwed either way.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It helps me so much that there are people out there with the same issues that I have and that there is someone to listen.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I haven't seen any signs that he is remotely "close to getting help". He is trying to placate and negotiate, but he does NOT want to quit drinking. He may go brief stretches without drinking to try to keep you around, but if I were you, I'd be thinking about exiting sooner rather than later. Life will be a lot more complicated all the way around once the baby is born. You'll have to worry about childcare while looking for a place to live, trying to get to meetings, etc.
I don't think you are as trapped as you think you are. You said you are "afraid to leave because you do believe he will get sober." If he does, you can always get back together. Not unheard of. Though I would wait until he has stayed that way for several months before moving back in.
I don't think you are as trapped as you think you are. You said you are "afraid to leave because you do believe he will get sober." If he does, you can always get back together. Not unheard of. Though I would wait until he has stayed that way for several months before moving back in.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 84
I am struggling with staying or leaving myself right now. And some of the things I've read here that helped me were these (and I'm paraphrasing so if I've got these wrong please correct me!):
It's up to me. I'll know when I've had enough. I'm not wrong for doing this - staying or going. One day at a time. Take care of me and don't worry about him, I can't change him, I can't 'fix' him.
I think about it, panic, then think I don't have to think about it today. The next time I think about it, maybe I panic again or maybe I think of something else, like that I can make it, I can get a second job. Just one example not all my worries are financial...
It's up to me. I'll know when I've had enough. I'm not wrong for doing this - staying or going. One day at a time. Take care of me and don't worry about him, I can't change him, I can't 'fix' him.
I think about it, panic, then think I don't have to think about it today. The next time I think about it, maybe I panic again or maybe I think of something else, like that I can make it, I can get a second job. Just one example not all my worries are financial...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
That is true, Lexie. And a BIG part of me is leaning that way. We will see what happens in the next week - that will really be the determining factor.
I have been through 2 divorces previously, so I know I can do this. At least we don't have to dissolve a marriage on top of it, right?
At any rate, I am off to Al-Anon on Monday to help me cope. Although I have tried not to enable him, I must learn how to take care of myself before as well as after any sort of decision is made.
@Blue.... I am so sorry you are in the same boat as me. I guess I feel the same way you do. When the decision is ready to be made, it will be made. I trust myself and my ability to do what is right for me and my family.
Thank you both for responding. As I said, it helps a ton.
I have been through 2 divorces previously, so I know I can do this. At least we don't have to dissolve a marriage on top of it, right?
At any rate, I am off to Al-Anon on Monday to help me cope. Although I have tried not to enable him, I must learn how to take care of myself before as well as after any sort of decision is made.
@Blue.... I am so sorry you are in the same boat as me. I guess I feel the same way you do. When the decision is ready to be made, it will be made. I trust myself and my ability to do what is right for me and my family.
Thank you both for responding. As I said, it helps a ton.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
If you and your children are safe and not in harm's way, then yes, the saying "don't just do something, stand there!" can be applied...it is perfectly okay to decide to not decide right now. You will know when you've had enough. But just because you're not quite there yet doesn't mean you can't plan for it. It's okay to check out your options. It's okay to set "just in case" money aside. I'm not ready to leave my AH, but I did start an account and have run the numbers and I know what I can/can't do on my own. It gives me some peace to know that I have somewhat of a plan - an out just in case I get to that point and make the decision.
Keep reading, keep posting, keep learning, keep reaching out. Sending you lots of strength, hope, and hugs.
Keep reading, keep posting, keep learning, keep reaching out. Sending you lots of strength, hope, and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I don't think they are in danger. I just spoke to him and he is getting up to watch my son so I can take his sisters to their bowling league.
You are right, Cecelia. having a plan helps me too! I did make a plan. Fortunately, I figured out that I don't need his money. It helps for extras, but I can be frugal and get by without too many problems.
You are right, Cecelia. having a plan helps me too! I did make a plan. Fortunately, I figured out that I don't need his money. It helps for extras, but I can be frugal and get by without too many problems.
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