Papo79

I have been going back and forth for a while now trying to decide what to do. My AGF can't see that she has a problem. She acts like such a jacka** when she's drunk. I don't know how she can't see it. People don't want to be around her. She calls random friends who she hasn't spoken to in years and starts babbling about the stupidest things. I am embarrassed for her but I am learning not to save her from the consequences. Still...it pains me to see her acting so ridiculous. Why can't she see it? I see it. Everyone else sees it! People don't act like this. I'm so tired of running around in the morning trying to hide the evidence before my son wakes up. I don't want him to think this is normal. This isn't normal! She gets absolutely trashed in the middle of the week. Goes to work smelling like alcohol. Gets home and sleeps off her binge every afternoon. I don't even want to think about being intimate with her. I am starting to loathe her. Is this normal? I get so angry when I think about this. I can't believe it's gotten so bad so quick.

Last time I asked her to work on her drinking she said she was going to cut down (she gave me some bull Cr*p about not being an extremist and she doesn't think she needs to quit completely blah, blah, blah). I honestly don't care if she cuts down to a normal amount or quits altogether. I can support her and help her through this but she doesn't want help! She doesn't see how annoying and mean and sad and sloppy she is when she drinks. She thinks she's more fun drunk.

I realized this week that what she meant by cutting down is that she is no longer buying as much vodka and has instead switched almost exclusively to beer. The problem is that she is now drinking a 30 pack of beer every couple of days. She's drinking daily where it used to only be every couple of days. And actually I'd rather have the vodka if she's going to get so drunk. At least vodka doesn't smell as bad in the morning.

Also, sometimes she'll buy tallboys instead of a whole 30 pack. I think it makes her feel better for some reason. Like "Oh, i'm just having 7 beers dear". Apparently when she's drunk she can't multiply because it's equivalent to 14 beers. And that's her "cutting down".

Ugh. Is this a normal step that I'm experiencing? I am so sick of her. And I'm so angry. I am angry at her. At me. At this damn disease that she won't admit that she has. I'm starting to see things as they really are. For a long time I was in denial right alongside her. I convinced myself that it was no big deal. She was just letting off steam after a long week.

I've realized that she's creating the crises just to have an excuse to get trashed. Someone cuts her off in traffic? Get drunk. Her boss is a jerk? Get drunk. Hangnail? Drunk.

ok, rant over. I feel a little better.

LexieCat

So how long do you plan to stick around for this? How good is it for your son to have to have this in his home?

You can rant away, but it doesn't change anything. If you want something to change, YOU are the one who is going to have to do it.

Papo79

I know. I just can't seem to cut the cord. I don't want her to fail.

Papo79

It's so hard to see this person who I love so much turn nightly into this totally other person. She says and does the meanest things and she will swear in that moment that she means every word of it. Then in the morning she's so sorry. We used to have good days but now that I started talking about it there are no good days. She pretends that she's cut down and I pretend that she's not there.

SolTraveler

((Papo)) You are soooo not alone! I am so sorry you are going through this!

I have an ABF who sounds very similar to your AGF. Huge binge drinker. Sleeps all afternoon. I have to get up early and put the beer bottles in recycling so the kids don't see how much he drank.

He acts like an idiot when he drinks. He posts stupid drunk things on Facebook where our families can see it. He texts people who could not give a rat's a** about him. I am embarrassed for him. And sometimes I hate him for it.

I think anger is part of healing. Only you will know when it is time to pull the plug. In the meantime, these boards and Al-Anon are a great source of help.

marie1960

You are living with an addict.

What you are experiencing is normal alcoholic behavior.

If you choose to stay in this situation, it will only get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

May I ask you why you are staying in this toxic situation? Exactly what are you getting out of this relationship?

Hope you take some time and read the stickies at the top of the forum, plenty of real life testimonials of living with addiction.

You are not living in a healthy situation, not to mention what your child is being exposed to.

If it were me I'd be packing up the boy and running fast and far away.

You truly are not able to help her, so save YOU, and most importantly SAVE YOUR SON.


YOU dont want her to FAIL?????? Honey, she is an addict, exactly what do you think you can do to prevent her from failing???????????

kasie

Glad you're feeling a bit better after your rant!

I've experienced everything with my exABF. Denial, pity, resentment, anger. You name it, I've been there.

I got to the point where I realised that it wasn't a good relationship for me to be in if someone who is meant to love me is acting up and I felt the way I did. Not good for me, not good for them.

I get the thing where you don't want her to hit rock bottom. You don't want to see someone you love and are attached to fall so far. But from what I've experienced over the past few years, they have to want to get better themselves. They just get even angrier, drink even more and behave in an even more appalling manner if you force them to seem help.

Look after yourself and your son, that's your first priority. Think about going to AlAnon. It will help you detach, and give you the tools to stop letting her behaviour affect you in the same way.

It's a vicious, progressive disease. It's sad to see people self-destruct. The best thing you can do is make sure you and your son don't get dragged down with her.

Sending you lots of strength and hugs!

FeelingGreat

Hi, I'm sorry about your troubles but you have done the right thing coming to SR.

What you wrote struck me because it seems like you've taken on the responsibility for whether she fails. And that isn't your responsibility, or even close to being in your power. Remember the three Cs.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
You have responsibility for your son, and hard as it seem, if this person is harming your son you will need to take steps to protect him (and you).
You don't detail what your living circumstances are; is she staying the night or are you living together? Who owns or leases the house?
If you separate your living arrangements you may not cure her but she as an adult must make that decision herself. By not setting boundaries you are helping her avoid the consequences of her addiction and this is doing her no favours.
At the moment she sounds out of control and will probably not be open to your suggestions attempts to help. People have to come to their own conclusions.

All the best.

Papo79

Thank you. I feel so awful when I think I hate her but there it is. I do sometimes. Then there's times when she's the old her and I love her so much and I just wish that she could understand that she's so much better sober.

Papo79

I'm not getting anything out of it anymore. There used to be reasons. We click the way that I haven't clicked with anyone else. She used to be so fun and smart and we would talk for hours about nothing and everything. I love who she used to be and I guess I'm afraid that I won't find anyone else that I love that much.

Papo79

She owns the house and I don't work. I'm a full time student but I do have enough of my own money put aside to cover my expenses for a couple of years while I finish school and find a good job. I'm so thankful that we didn't combine finances when we decided to live together.

I've been looking at apartments close to my school on the other side of town. Every time I make an appointment to look at a place though, I chicken out at the last minute. Part of it is I don't want to have the talk with my son. He's very attached to her and I hate to move him from his home and his friends. I never thought I would let him live in this kind of environment. It's really true that until you are in this situation you have no idea how you would act. It's my pride too. I don't want to admit how wrong I was when I chose her. And the guilt of leaving her is keeping me here too. She is really good at manipulating every situation and making herself out to be the victim. Even though I know she's going to do it I take the bait every time.

marie1960

I used to be involved with quite a special guy .

And over a period of 5 years, his drinking just kept spiraling out of control. Each day, held it's own fresh hell. Each and everyday he had an excuse/ reason to drink. It was easier to isolate myself than to take the chance of going out in public and him causing a scene, or if we did go anywhere that alcohol was served I would end up having to babysit.

Evenings were filled with his drunken rants. He would repeat himself until I thought I was going to go and jump off the bridge. he would pick a fight just so he could drink more, Pity party, after pity party, nothing changed.

In the morning it never happened, as he had blacked out.

Truly one of the most out of control times of my life.

I had to get brutally honest with myself. I had to remove my rose colored glasses, let go of the hope of a future with this guy and face my today. Sometimes I was a little pissed off at some of the responses I was given here at SR.. You see, I thought my situation was different. I thought he was not as far gone, he could turn it around.

I was living in denial, and it was taking me down a deep, dark, black hole.

Best words of wisdom I EVER got here........... "If you met him/her today, knowing what you currently know, would you choose to be involved with him/her?. That my friend was my answer. A big HELL NO .

So almost two years later, he is still drinking, I exited the crazytrain, and am living a good life, a very good life.

Time to start taking care of YOU, my friend.

Papo79

No, I would definitely not choose her if I could go back in time. I would go running in the other direction as fast as I could.

Being alone is so much better than the life that I'm living right now. Thank you for that perspective. I don't know that I've ever really looked at it that way.

marie1960

But you see, you are not going back in time. Yesterday is a memory.

You are going forward..........

You are in your 20's. You have an amazing life ahead of you.

Live YOUR life, don't compromise yourself or your child.

I can assure you she is going to live her life as she sees fit, best for you to do the same.

Crazed

I wish I was in my 20s again. I knew nothing of alcoholism. I am now in my 40s. I have spent the last 13 years with an alcoholic. I ignored the early signs. I stayed in because of the hope that things would get better, and the same reasons you state. We are no longer together. She is in rehab again, looking at jail time. I am in therapy.

Listen to everyone here. Unless she commits a life of recovery, which includes no alcohol, she will get worse. And you will lose yourself in it, and your son will get damaged in the process.

CeciliaV

Papo, I hear you. There's been many times when I've considered just screaming "I'M DONE" and leaving my AH. And then I thought about how he would react and how he would just spiral further down, and I sucked it up and kept slogging through. Sigh. I can't seem to get over this need to take care of him. But I'm learning that I can't take care of him and make him better. I can try to support him in sobriety and recovery, but he needs to be the one to do it, want it, and succeed or fail on his own - I can't be the "reason" (i.e., excuse) that he fails or succeeds. It's easy to tell myself these things, but harder to act on them.

I can't cut the cord completely either. The cord is frayed and hanging on by a thread at this point though! I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on, but I think I will know when that last thread is completely frayed through, and I think you'll know when that time comes, too. Just take care of you and your son. Do what feels right.

Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.