Dublin

I was doing great I read codependent no more and was doing writing activities from it. RA was doing good is close to his 90 meetings in 90 days, has a sponsor is working the programme and yesterday and today a massive anger at all that went before came over me and RA says he's done all he can re apology and amends (precious little in my eyes). I lost all the ground I had made I had a total melt down IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN. So ashamed of myself and miserable. My head is splitting now from all the crying and my first full weekend off work in nine weeks is wrecked. My mum is coming to us for dinner on Sunday and I feel like a failure and am more miserable than I've been in long time.

Sorry for the rant and pity fest but needed to write it down and I know people here will get where I am at. The light at the end of the tunnel just revealed itself as an oncoming train and all hope of saving this relationship is gone. I think RA will find recovery and will do ok but I can't seem to let the past go so I don't see myself making this work and I feel I am grieving all the time lost in the past and all my dreams of a future gone.

Feels selfish to speak this way about recovery but it ain't no bed of roses.

Thanks for being here and I'm glad of a place to rant.

I am in alanon but won't get to a meeting until Monday.

Katiekate

((((((((Dublin)))))))

This was one day, one melt down, it happens, you are allowed, this will all end so much differently than you think.

It's not the end, it's the beginning, you can only bottle stuff up so long and then it has to come out. It's called healing sweetie.

You get to lose it, please find some compassion for yourself.

We care about you, your family and your journey.

We really do. It's going to be okay. You are doing the absolute best you can.

Sending love and healing your way.

Katie oxoxooxox

Dublin

Thanks Katie, your kind words just made me cry again but in a good release sort of way. I get what you say about it has to come out. I could feel this bubbling for a while. RA is getting lots of good support and encouragement and I appreciate and resent that in equal measure. I'll try to do something nice for the kids and myself tomorrow to give us all a lift. Hope I sleep tonight and that this headache lifts. It is so good to feel I have been heard and understood and not judged. Thanks x

Loopydays

Hi Dublin,
Your post really brought me back to where I was a year ago - my husband came out of rehab and said the same thing - I was so angry too when he said he would not grovel to anyone!! Like you, I cried and cried. Be easy on yourself, it really is one day at a time, and easy does it.
You deserve to feel the way you feel, you have been through so much- and I know how alone I felt when my RAH came out of recovery. I felt he was getting all the support and kudos, and we were flailing around in a heap, not knowing what to do with this emotional mess. Nobody had prepared us for this, he went to Pats by the way, and then AlAnon meetings over here don't seem to be so numerous-
Rant away here, it's a great safe place- and everyone cares about you and your family-
Tomorrow is another day.... Sleep well

CeciliaV

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. You're human. Allow yourself some slack. Is it great that he has some sobriety under his belt and that he is working a program? Yes! Does that mean that all the pain that transpired is now magically gone and fixed and forgiven? Hells to the no! It takes time. And you can do it on YOUR timeline, not his. A's have no idea what we go through living with them and loving them. There's a lot of pent up pain. You are not a failure. He's still quite green and new in his recovery, and so are you. Just keep at it. Take care of yourself, and remember, "progress not perfection."

Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.

Dublin

Thank you loopy days and Cecelia . It is lovely to hear from people who know where you are at.

Loopy days I find it hard to find alanon meetings. I work full time and evenings can be difficult to manage with kids. I'm really going to try to do one a week, so far it's been one every two weeks approx. thanks for the support x

Cecelia I've been following your thread re relapse (deploy the cheese is a favourite of mine currently!) I find you inspiring.

Will try to get some sleep and try to forgive myself tomorrow. Glad I have the day off and can take time to make it up to my kids for their basket case mother!

AnvilheadII

sweetie, I bet you held ALL that in for a long long time. and then finally the dam broke. that's not a FAIL, that's called being HUMAN. please don't see it as having to MAKE IT UP to the kids....simply talk to them and make it a life lesson for all you. let them know that we all have our breaking points, and sometimes if we aren't tending to our emotional self, we just blow. but we don't have to STAY there, raging, we can let it out, regroup and accept responsibility for our own actions.

Dublin

Words of window anvil head. I was thinking maybe for the kids to realise this can happen but it doesn't have to be all bad would be a way to take a positive from this. Thanks I'll talk to them tomorrow and listen to what it meant for them.

Thanks

Freedom1990

I've been in recovery for codependency since 1999, and I still have meltdowns from time to time.

I tend to "stuff" anger, and unfortunately it will build to the point that I blow my top and am not a nice person. Then I will cry myself sick after that.

We strive for progress, not perfection, hon.

Be gentle on yourself and do something nice for yourself like a bubble bath or reading a favorite book.

Sending you hugs of support from Kansas!

Dublin

Thanks all. I had a good nights sleep and feel a good bit better this morning. Bit of a headache still and can feel there is still unresolved anger there but planning a day that will have good things in it to help me.

RA gone to work and made small (not good enough) efforts to be nice this morning but he doesn't get it and I have to stop waiting for him to get it and I have to not need that from him because it will just make me crazy.

Thanks again. Onwards and upwards!