I don't know what to believe is right, help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pierre, south dakota
Posts: 8
I don't know what to believe is right, help?
We don't live together, we have a baby together. Our relationship has been in the rough on account of his drinking and my depression, bad combo. I can tell he feels guilty that I take FULL responsibility for our son but he's been stuck in a routine. He spends half the week recovering and being good. When Thursday comes along, he is instantly ready for loud music, friends and just partying. I'm trying hard to be an understanding and supportive girlfriend. How can I help him? He says he just wants me to be happy around him and be supportive. But I was over at his place this morning and the first thing he talked about when he woke up was how he was going to prepare for another party night (not a quote).
A part of me says it could be best to just em braise the time me and our son get with him and when he's partying or drunk, avoid him.
The other part of me is asking how does that HELP him? If he has no obligations for his son and no matter what he does his girlfriend will stay, what reason does he have to change? I'm so confused and I've been sad over this questions for months and months ..
Thank you so much for your responses
A part of me says it could be best to just em braise the time me and our son get with him and when he's partying or drunk, avoid him.
The other part of me is asking how does that HELP him? If he has no obligations for his son and no matter what he does his girlfriend will stay, what reason does he have to change? I'm so confused and I've been sad over this questions for months and months ..
Thank you so much for your responses
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Not your job to "help" somebody who doesn't want help.
You are already a single parent--what are you getting out of this relationship? Is he paying child support? That obligation remains whether you are in a relationship with him or not.
Sounds like he has a pretty good deal going there for himself, party time whenever he wants, family time at HIS convenience.
If I were you, I would start making a good life for myself and my son without this casual "dad." I suggest you get to Al-Anon, if you haven't been going. You can have a great life without dealing with the alcoholic craziness on a constant basis.
You are already a single parent--what are you getting out of this relationship? Is he paying child support? That obligation remains whether you are in a relationship with him or not.
Sounds like he has a pretty good deal going there for himself, party time whenever he wants, family time at HIS convenience.
If I were you, I would start making a good life for myself and my son without this casual "dad." I suggest you get to Al-Anon, if you haven't been going. You can have a great life without dealing with the alcoholic craziness on a constant basis.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 90
Live your life for yourself and your son. There is no need to allow something so negative come into your life. You cannot help a person change if they don't want to and you sure has heck can't make them. No amount of threats, money, or ultimatums will make someone change.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pierre, south dakota
Posts: 8
that's exactly what I mean, "alcoholic craziness" is what some people say, others say that say he loves us and he's going through personal issues with himself. Also I have been to Al-Anon and they say an alcoholic isn't an alcoholic by choice, it's an addiction when it grabs a hold of you it's evil type of deal.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He’s telling you exactly who he is and how he wants to live his life.
He wants you to support the fact he parties Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday then he needs Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday get himself ready for the next party hearty!!!
Doesn’t sound much like a baby and GF fitting into his choice of living.
Doesn’t sound like you are too happy and its’ been going on months and months.
It’s hard when we want them to be something they are not. If the situation hasn’t changed, doesn’t look like it’s going to change……..what are YOU going to do to CHANGE YOU and your life with your baby?
He wants you to support the fact he parties Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday then he needs Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday get himself ready for the next party hearty!!!
Doesn’t sound much like a baby and GF fitting into his choice of living.
Doesn’t sound like you are too happy and its’ been going on months and months.
It’s hard when we want them to be something they are not. If the situation hasn’t changed, doesn’t look like it’s going to change……..what are YOU going to do to CHANGE YOU and your life with your baby?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I'd start by telling him how I feel if I was you.
For example--I start getting tense by Wednesday, because you usually start drinking on Thursdays. The weekends you are intoxicated. I would like to have you with me, emotionally connected, emotionally available, and working as a team on the weekends too, not just sober during the early part of the week. I'm not against you having some drinks with your friends, but I want us to have a relationship on the weeknds too, and it would be good for our son.
It's a conversation starter, it's not a solution.
It opens his eyes to that you are having difficulties with the way it is now.
Hold off judgment just long enough to have a conversation. Then you see how he responds.
It's one step to understanding if he is willing to work with you, or not. It's just the beginning of talking it out with him.
There definitely can't be any yelling, accusations, judgment, etc., when doing this, or it would be sure to fail.
When we are reasonable, not trying to control, not judging, and not asking for the moon, our partners are more willing to work with us.
My suggestion may not work, maybe not the first time, maybe not the fifth, or maybe not ever.
But I bet you would rather try to see if the two of you can find a way to work together and find a solution before it turns into an opposing team relationship...because that was your original question.
The goal is to simply see if he will listen to you, acknowledge how you feel, and validate it with that listening and acknowledging.
If he does, then great there is room to grow and work it out.
If he brushes it off, dismisses it, then bring that to his attention that that is what he did. Again, one more chance to see your point of view.
First we have to exhaust communication attempts before we decide we are on opposing teams.
For example--I start getting tense by Wednesday, because you usually start drinking on Thursdays. The weekends you are intoxicated. I would like to have you with me, emotionally connected, emotionally available, and working as a team on the weekends too, not just sober during the early part of the week. I'm not against you having some drinks with your friends, but I want us to have a relationship on the weeknds too, and it would be good for our son.
It's a conversation starter, it's not a solution.
It opens his eyes to that you are having difficulties with the way it is now.
Hold off judgment just long enough to have a conversation. Then you see how he responds.
It's one step to understanding if he is willing to work with you, or not. It's just the beginning of talking it out with him.
There definitely can't be any yelling, accusations, judgment, etc., when doing this, or it would be sure to fail.
When we are reasonable, not trying to control, not judging, and not asking for the moon, our partners are more willing to work with us.
My suggestion may not work, maybe not the first time, maybe not the fifth, or maybe not ever.
But I bet you would rather try to see if the two of you can find a way to work together and find a solution before it turns into an opposing team relationship...because that was your original question.
The goal is to simply see if he will listen to you, acknowledge how you feel, and validate it with that listening and acknowledging.
If he does, then great there is room to grow and work it out.
If he brushes it off, dismisses it, then bring that to his attention that that is what he did. Again, one more chance to see your point of view.
First we have to exhaust communication attempts before we decide we are on opposing teams.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Unfortunately, Rom, no one can tell you what is right.
He IS sick, but unlike cancer or, say, MS, this is a sickness that he has the power to change. I know - I have been sober for almost a year now and my father has been sober for over 30 years. It CAN be done, but only if they want to do it.
Everyone is right - you cannot make him change. He can make the change.
I am still with my ABF for now. Mine is a lot like yours - except he lives with me and he goes out twice a week. Like yours, the day after is wasted time because he is hung over and crabby.
I am 5 months pregnant with his first child and I told him that this behavior is going to go by the wayside once she is born or he can be without us. He is 35 and has responsibilities.
If I were you, I would lay it all out for him. Tell him how you feel and that you want a complete family life or nothing at all. And you have to mean it. Then, if he isn't ready to change, follow through. Go for child support and cut him out completely. And make sure the judge knows about his little problem when they decide on visitation. His drinking is likely to only get worse and you don't need your son over there unsupervised.
That is just my 2 cents. As I said, only you can decide what to do.
He IS sick, but unlike cancer or, say, MS, this is a sickness that he has the power to change. I know - I have been sober for almost a year now and my father has been sober for over 30 years. It CAN be done, but only if they want to do it.
Everyone is right - you cannot make him change. He can make the change.
I am still with my ABF for now. Mine is a lot like yours - except he lives with me and he goes out twice a week. Like yours, the day after is wasted time because he is hung over and crabby.
I am 5 months pregnant with his first child and I told him that this behavior is going to go by the wayside once she is born or he can be without us. He is 35 and has responsibilities.
If I were you, I would lay it all out for him. Tell him how you feel and that you want a complete family life or nothing at all. And you have to mean it. Then, if he isn't ready to change, follow through. Go for child support and cut him out completely. And make sure the judge knows about his little problem when they decide on visitation. His drinking is likely to only get worse and you don't need your son over there unsupervised.
That is just my 2 cents. As I said, only you can decide what to do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by R0MPaige 
that's exactly what I mean, "alcoholic craziness" is what some people say, others say that say he loves us and he's going through personal issues with himself. Also I have been to Al-Anon and they say an alcoholic isn't an alcoholic by choice, it's an addiction when it grabs a hold of you it's evil type of deal.
What's YOURS is how you choose to live your life, and since you are the only one taking responsibility for the baby, how you choose to raise that child, regardless of the choices he makes. Don't give him a pass for not taking control of his life because of alcoholism, 'personal issues', or because you feel sorry he has this disease. Whether or not he can help wanting that drink, he can choose to take responsibility for what he has done and what he will do next, and he hasn't.
Sending you strength and hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: ca
Posts: 13
i did the same thing. i have baby with Ab..now rexab. of course he didnt tell me we were done for a loooong time. i also let him come & go whenever he wanted. i believed in him & in his desire to get better...you know what? things got worse! i guess i enabled. i thought i was showing love & understanding, forgiveness & compassion...he just took it all & gave me nothing back but hurt & lies. he would bring groceries over when he was feeling nice...saying it was his part of child support but funny how groceries only came when he was staying with us. then when he would dissapear on me for a week or two at a time funny how his "child support" would dissapear also. it wasnt child support, it was his own dinner he was bringing. what a sucker i was. my exab also had a crappy childhood & he created for himself a crappy adulthood. having lived thru a bad childhood also, i felt for him. believed since i had worked thru my stuff so could he....yeah, now we do not even talk. i hardly even get eye contact when he picks up his son for visits. i am wreakage of his past. i make him feel guilt (if he feels at all) for how he treated, i mean, used me. so magic solution is to avoid & ignore me...isnt sobriety wonderful?! i do not know what is worse, loving an active alcoholic or loving a "recovering" alcoholic. seems either way, im trash in his eyes. turns out i was just a way to give him a baby. he cares nothing for me as our sons mother. no respect no understanding no compassion no friendship no love. in his eyes i was & am, nothing. it is painful i know, but i am having to relearn that i AM special. i AM loved. my feelings ARE important. i loved that man. still do. but im working on putting that love in a box & locking that box up tight. it hurts too much to love someone who will NEVER love me back. i wish you all the luck with your AB...but after being here in SR for the past 8-9 months & reading all the stories....stories alot like mine.....you are probably better off just taking care of your baby by yourself & trying to move on.
easier said than done i know. good luck
easier said than done i know. good luck
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear ROMpaige, it is true that alcoholism is evil and it isn't a choice to be one--BUT, CHOOSING TO GO INTO RECOVERY IS A CHOICE.
Having "personal issues" to work through is no excuse for not being responsible to one's child--or neglecting a family. I'll bet you a dollar that these are drinking buddies of his who share his same value system--and think that it is an entitlement from God to drink and party as a lifestyle. I've seen a million of these guys.
You don't need to help him--and he doesn't want it. IF HE WANTED SOBRIETY--WILD HORSES COULDN'T STOP HIM.
Save your energy for his son.
sincerely, and sympathetically, dandylion
Having "personal issues" to work through is no excuse for not being responsible to one's child--or neglecting a family. I'll bet you a dollar that these are drinking buddies of his who share his same value system--and think that it is an entitlement from God to drink and party as a lifestyle. I've seen a million of these guys.
You don't need to help him--and he doesn't want it. IF HE WANTED SOBRIETY--WILD HORSES COULDN'T STOP HIM.
Save your energy for his son.
sincerely, and sympathetically, dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't HEAR where he is ASKING for help. sounds like he's got it made..whipping it up on the weekends. and just happens to have a "gf" and a "baby" that he is in no way responsible for.
he's already not really part of the equation...what is BEST for you and the baby?? that is what is REALLY important.
he's already not really part of the equation...what is BEST for you and the baby?? that is what is REALLY important.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He may "love" you in the limited way that alcoholics do. He loves it when you are around making him feel good, he loves it when he can show off his g/f and baby to his friends and look like a beaming dad. But that "love" isn't enough to make him change his whole life, which is what you want, and what you deserve in a partner.
No, nobody wakes up and decides to be an alcoholic. It isn't a choice, it's a disease. HOWEVER, until he decides he WANTS sobriety, desperately, nothing is going to move him out of his happy little alcoholic world. And, sadly, there is nothing you can do to make him want that. You can be the most wonderful g/f and mom in the world. You can hold his hand and you can cry and you can scream and you can threaten to leave him, but until he wants it for himself--and there is no sign you've mentioned that he is even CLOSE to that point--nothing will change. I take that back. It WILL change--for the worse.
You and the baby deserve so much more in life. I hope you will start working to get it for yourself.
No, nobody wakes up and decides to be an alcoholic. It isn't a choice, it's a disease. HOWEVER, until he decides he WANTS sobriety, desperately, nothing is going to move him out of his happy little alcoholic world. And, sadly, there is nothing you can do to make him want that. You can be the most wonderful g/f and mom in the world. You can hold his hand and you can cry and you can scream and you can threaten to leave him, but until he wants it for himself--and there is no sign you've mentioned that he is even CLOSE to that point--nothing will change. I take that back. It WILL change--for the worse.
You and the baby deserve so much more in life. I hope you will start working to get it for yourself.
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