ThethreeCs

Hello All,

Got a question, now that the AXBF is out of my life, I am examining all my relationships to see what is going on, especially after recognizing my codependency issues. I recently had a close friend, tell me a secret. I must admit, I sort of pushed it out of him by asking questions and just feeling his emotions and reactions to things. No one knows, and I felt weighed down by this secret, and I wish I had not known.

Now, he is not communicating with me as frequently or at all when I reach out. He rarely responds to texts, and event invites. He is currently busy, and I know he was probably not ready to let anyone know, and now he seems to be avoiding me. All this happened after our big talk night.

Now I know, it't better to keep my questions to myself. I wonder if this is a co-dependant quality. Putting their heads on my shoulders, feeling like there are secrets, asking too many questions, which makes them reveal things prematurely, and then they disappear from my life.

Sorry, I am trying to figure out if I should approach this friend, who was really close and get to the bottom of it, OR let them come back when they are ready and love them from afar. I am just trying to find out what my part of this is, so I can change it. Then they can decide theirs, and fix it, if they so choose.

Thanks for listening.

dandylion

Dear ThethreeC's, you say that you have already been reaching out to him--but he appears to have cooled-off from responding to you. to me, it would seem that he is placing some boundries for himself. If I were in your same situation, I think I would just respect those boundries, and, let him come around in his own time.

I have learned (the hard way) that if someone seems reluctant to share something that is very personal--best leave it alone. If they share, it will be in their own ti me--when the trust level feels right for them.

I do think it can be a big ego boost to feel that we are the "special" person that everyone reserves their deep dark secrets for us ONLY. When we go around investing "too" much in the personal lives of others--it might mean that we are neglecting our own development. My grandmother used to say: "take care of your own stoop before you go meddling in anothers'. I now understand what she was saying! LOL.

sincerely, dandylion

SparkleKitty

If you have repeatedly made contact and he has declined to respond, it seems he is not ready or willing to "get to the bottom of it" right now, so I don't see how another approach will do anything other than push him further away.

Best you can do is keep his secret safe and let him return in his own time. In the meantime, I am sure you have other friends and things to occupy yourself, right? Of course it is disappointing when close friends cool towards us, but it is their right to process their feelings and relationships in their own time and way. Good luck to you!

stella27

I do this too, and I am trying not to. Unfortunately, my job is one where I have to ask people a lot of questions to determine "what is really going on here"? so I get lots of practice being nosy (for legitimate reasons).

My friends who are more private don't enjoy it at all and it has created some major distance between us that I am in the uncomfortable position of trying to wait out right now.

I don't know if it's codependent behavior or if it is being so analytical of ourselves in recovery that we can't turn off those inquisitive features and are too quick to direct them at others.