Girlfriend in Crisis: Need Advice (Sorry, long post)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 11
Girlfriend in Crisis: Need Advice (Sorry, long post)
Hi all,
This is my first post on the boards and I feel that I can get some really good support from those that have been through what I've been experiencing with a loved one.
I'll lay the background, I'm actually a recovering user myself (prescription opioids) and I've been clean for 3 years now due to Suboxone, a wonderful group and individual treatment program and due to the fact that I want to be sober and stay sober. I've completed a Master's degree in Sociology in 2011 and I'm working on my second Master's now (Master of Social Work). I am currently specializing in addictions management and work as an intern doing all sorts of clinical addictions work at this city's largest and busiest addictions clinic. I live recovery every day and I understand the lifestyle of recovery.
Enough about me, I'll cut to the chase. At the beginning of my Master of Social Work program, I met a wonderful girl. Cute, brilliantly intelligent, well educated and down to earth. We became very close friends and supported each other at all times. We revealed our troubled histories to each other at one point and we were both totally accepting of each other. We then started dating. Anyways, I very quickly noticed that she liked to drink. Not "go out to the club and party" drinking, but having drinks to self-medicate for stress and to help her sleep (this was a red flag to me). Still, things were going well for quite some time. Over the past month or so, as the stress mounted, she was drinking more and more. I won't say how much she was drinking, but I assure you, it was a LOT. She has an astounding tolerance for alcohol for a 120 pound girl (red flag 2), and when she drinks a lot, she is prone to having a crisis. She becomes extremely emotionally unstable (going from argumentative to weeping in the course of a few minutes) over a prolonged period. Last week, it was nearly a week straight of crisis. This has left me drained and feeling pretty lousy. I can work with users that come into the clinic in crisis all day, but when it's a loved one, a crisis becomes incredibly more intense and hits home. Heck, I have my own term papers to work on and a week of crisis hits me like a ton of bricks.
As the crises settled, I went into "get her into recovery" mode. After some very straight talk, I managed to get her to admit (a) that she has a problem (b) that she can't overcome it alone and needs professional help (c) that she's willing to do whatever it takes to get sober and stay sober and (d) her life and everything that matters to her is on the line if she doesn't stop drinking. I got her to write out a list of the pros and cons of drinking, just to see where her mindset was. I was expecting the typical cookie-cutter answers, but the ones that I got were very genuine. It showed to me that she wants to change and that she wants to get sober.
From my own experiences in recovery and through my internship, I got in touch with various addictions services in this area (I realize that she has to make the first step and contact these services herself, but I'm just trying to get the wheels in motion). She'll be going into the same clinic that I'm an intern at for assessment and likely will be put on Naltrexone and Campral. In addition, I'm going to see to it that she gets a referral to the Concurrent Disorders Treatment Program (Concurrent Disorders is the Canadian term for Dual Diagnosis). It's a great program that has an excellent success rate. I'm also getting her in touch with some group and individual counseling at a local addictions counseling center. She actually doesn't need detox at this phase, amazingly enough. It's been a week since her last drink, and I know that withdrawals can take time to set in so I've been monitoring her for the signs of withdrawals as well, and not a single one has appeared. I also took special care to pour all the booze in the apartment down the drain and check her sobriety if I suspect anything (yes, I actually know how to administer field sobriety tests....that and I can spot someone under the influence of anything from a mile away). I know it seems controlling and a bit excessive, but as my addictions doctor says: "you cannot reason with an addict or an alcoholic". She was prescribed 1 mg of Ativan to take as needed for anxiety (small prescription: 15 tablets), and has yet to take a single one. She's not the "pill popping" type, but I'm still keeping a very close eye on things.
I just hope that she goes through with what she says that she will. Users/alcoholics make a lot of promises during moments of clarity that they often forget about once things get cloudy again...
I told my story to both by GP and my addictions doctor and they were amazed that I got her to make such huge progress so quickly. They wanted to know what my "trick" was to get her to own her addiction so quickly. She wasn't paying lip service either. I just told them that I've been around the block more than a few times and I also work with users in crisis on a professional basis so I know what needs to be said to a user/alcoholic in a crisis.
Anyways, she's stable, but I'm a wreck. I'm just looking for some advice on what can be done to keep this from affecting me so much. I know about local support groups for those with a loved one struggling with alcoholism, and I'm going to contact them. Still, I desperately need some advice. I feel like I know where to turn, but I still feel lost. Any advice would be tremendously appreciated.
Sorry for the long post. I just had to get everything out there.
This is my first post on the boards and I feel that I can get some really good support from those that have been through what I've been experiencing with a loved one.
I'll lay the background, I'm actually a recovering user myself (prescription opioids) and I've been clean for 3 years now due to Suboxone, a wonderful group and individual treatment program and due to the fact that I want to be sober and stay sober. I've completed a Master's degree in Sociology in 2011 and I'm working on my second Master's now (Master of Social Work). I am currently specializing in addictions management and work as an intern doing all sorts of clinical addictions work at this city's largest and busiest addictions clinic. I live recovery every day and I understand the lifestyle of recovery.
Enough about me, I'll cut to the chase. At the beginning of my Master of Social Work program, I met a wonderful girl. Cute, brilliantly intelligent, well educated and down to earth. We became very close friends and supported each other at all times. We revealed our troubled histories to each other at one point and we were both totally accepting of each other. We then started dating. Anyways, I very quickly noticed that she liked to drink. Not "go out to the club and party" drinking, but having drinks to self-medicate for stress and to help her sleep (this was a red flag to me). Still, things were going well for quite some time. Over the past month or so, as the stress mounted, she was drinking more and more. I won't say how much she was drinking, but I assure you, it was a LOT. She has an astounding tolerance for alcohol for a 120 pound girl (red flag 2), and when she drinks a lot, she is prone to having a crisis. She becomes extremely emotionally unstable (going from argumentative to weeping in the course of a few minutes) over a prolonged period. Last week, it was nearly a week straight of crisis. This has left me drained and feeling pretty lousy. I can work with users that come into the clinic in crisis all day, but when it's a loved one, a crisis becomes incredibly more intense and hits home. Heck, I have my own term papers to work on and a week of crisis hits me like a ton of bricks.
As the crises settled, I went into "get her into recovery" mode. After some very straight talk, I managed to get her to admit (a) that she has a problem (b) that she can't overcome it alone and needs professional help (c) that she's willing to do whatever it takes to get sober and stay sober and (d) her life and everything that matters to her is on the line if she doesn't stop drinking. I got her to write out a list of the pros and cons of drinking, just to see where her mindset was. I was expecting the typical cookie-cutter answers, but the ones that I got were very genuine. It showed to me that she wants to change and that she wants to get sober.
From my own experiences in recovery and through my internship, I got in touch with various addictions services in this area (I realize that she has to make the first step and contact these services herself, but I'm just trying to get the wheels in motion). She'll be going into the same clinic that I'm an intern at for assessment and likely will be put on Naltrexone and Campral. In addition, I'm going to see to it that she gets a referral to the Concurrent Disorders Treatment Program (Concurrent Disorders is the Canadian term for Dual Diagnosis). It's a great program that has an excellent success rate. I'm also getting her in touch with some group and individual counseling at a local addictions counseling center. She actually doesn't need detox at this phase, amazingly enough. It's been a week since her last drink, and I know that withdrawals can take time to set in so I've been monitoring her for the signs of withdrawals as well, and not a single one has appeared. I also took special care to pour all the booze in the apartment down the drain and check her sobriety if I suspect anything (yes, I actually know how to administer field sobriety tests....that and I can spot someone under the influence of anything from a mile away). I know it seems controlling and a bit excessive, but as my addictions doctor says: "you cannot reason with an addict or an alcoholic". She was prescribed 1 mg of Ativan to take as needed for anxiety (small prescription: 15 tablets), and has yet to take a single one. She's not the "pill popping" type, but I'm still keeping a very close eye on things.
I just hope that she goes through with what she says that she will. Users/alcoholics make a lot of promises during moments of clarity that they often forget about once things get cloudy again...
I told my story to both by GP and my addictions doctor and they were amazed that I got her to make such huge progress so quickly. They wanted to know what my "trick" was to get her to own her addiction so quickly. She wasn't paying lip service either. I just told them that I've been around the block more than a few times and I also work with users in crisis on a professional basis so I know what needs to be said to a user/alcoholic in a crisis.
Anyways, she's stable, but I'm a wreck. I'm just looking for some advice on what can be done to keep this from affecting me so much. I know about local support groups for those with a loved one struggling with alcoholism, and I'm going to contact them. Still, I desperately need some advice. I feel like I know where to turn, but I still feel lost. Any advice would be tremendously appreciated.
Sorry for the long post. I just had to get everything out there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Welcome, Chef.
I am in a similar situation, only I am an alcoholic almost 1 year into recovery and my boyfriend is an active alcoholic.
I am glad for your girlfriend and I sincerely hope it lasts! I am sure that you are prepared for the possibility that it will not, however. You can't be on pins and needles all the time or monitor her, as you know.
It sounds like you are looking for ways to achieve self-care - that is so tough, at least for me! In my situation, it was a bit easier because my ABF is the "go to the club and party" kind of A and so it is not constantly in my face. He rolls in at 2:30 and then sleeps until noon.
I can only tell you what has worked for me. I refuse to be around him when he is drunk, for one thing. If he is depressed and wants someone to talk to, tough. He can sober up and talk to me then. I will not indulge him. I also do not cook him dinner or run any errands for him, etc. when he decides to go out. Nor will I come get him from the bar. If he doesn't like it, he can sleep on the couch because like you, I am a busy professional (I am a professor at a local university). I also have children who genuinely need my attention.
These actions sound harsh, but I refuse to make it easier for him. He has decided to try to stop, but I am not holding my breath. Unlike your girlfriend, he is not at the point of seeking professional care. When he is, and if he follows through, I will help however possible without enabling him.
You have to have a life of your own. Even if she feels that she is in crisis, you must have a break or your mental health will suffer. Personally, I like to go to a movie, out to dinner, or even just go for a walk. Whatever I need at the time. You must find those avenues for yourself.
Local support groups are a great idea. I am also doing that myself as well as coming here. Just knowing that there are others struggling with this helps immensely, even if they sometimes tell me things I don't like to hear
Anyway, welcome, and good luck!
I am in a similar situation, only I am an alcoholic almost 1 year into recovery and my boyfriend is an active alcoholic.
I am glad for your girlfriend and I sincerely hope it lasts! I am sure that you are prepared for the possibility that it will not, however. You can't be on pins and needles all the time or monitor her, as you know.
It sounds like you are looking for ways to achieve self-care - that is so tough, at least for me! In my situation, it was a bit easier because my ABF is the "go to the club and party" kind of A and so it is not constantly in my face. He rolls in at 2:30 and then sleeps until noon.
I can only tell you what has worked for me. I refuse to be around him when he is drunk, for one thing. If he is depressed and wants someone to talk to, tough. He can sober up and talk to me then. I will not indulge him. I also do not cook him dinner or run any errands for him, etc. when he decides to go out. Nor will I come get him from the bar. If he doesn't like it, he can sleep on the couch because like you, I am a busy professional (I am a professor at a local university). I also have children who genuinely need my attention.
These actions sound harsh, but I refuse to make it easier for him. He has decided to try to stop, but I am not holding my breath. Unlike your girlfriend, he is not at the point of seeking professional care. When he is, and if he follows through, I will help however possible without enabling him.
You have to have a life of your own. Even if she feels that she is in crisis, you must have a break or your mental health will suffer. Personally, I like to go to a movie, out to dinner, or even just go for a walk. Whatever I need at the time. You must find those avenues for yourself.
Local support groups are a great idea. I am also doing that myself as well as coming here. Just knowing that there are others struggling with this helps immensely, even if they sometimes tell me things I don't like to hear
Anyway, welcome, and good luck!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I suggest you get yourself to Al-Anon, pronto. I've been in two alcoholic marriages and I'm a recovered alcoholic with four and a half years' sobriety.
I hope your girlfriend succeeds with her recovery, but I see the potential for your getting way too involved in "treating" her. She is not one of your clients, she is your girlfriend. You need to let HER professionals and other recovered alcoholics manage her recovery. YOU need to focus on your own. I know many people in AA who are "double winners"--members of both AA and Al-Anon. Even though the Steps are the same, the focus is a bit different.
Hope you will stick around here, too--there is some great support here.
I hope your girlfriend succeeds with her recovery, but I see the potential for your getting way too involved in "treating" her. She is not one of your clients, she is your girlfriend. You need to let HER professionals and other recovered alcoholics manage her recovery. YOU need to focus on your own. I know many people in AA who are "double winners"--members of both AA and Al-Anon. Even though the Steps are the same, the focus is a bit different.
Hope you will stick around here, too--there is some great support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hi there and Welcome to Sober Recovery,
I'm sorry about your situation but glad you found the forum.
When you got treatment you learned how to get yourself clean and stay that way. Your schooling taught you how to treat a patient, not a loved one. Now you need the tools to deal with having a loved on in addiction. You've come to the right place.
It sounds like you have taken her on as a patient which is taboo in most medical fields for a reason.
You made a few comments above that tell me you probably already know that what is going on isn't healthy for a relationship. If she was simply your patient it would be different. She is not though.
Please stick around and keep reading and posting. Read the stickies at the top of the forum, too. Some good advice there.
Please make sure and do what you need to do for yourself to stay healthy. Most of us find that we can't cure or control someone else's disease. You've helped her a great deal but it might be time to step back a little and let her put what she has learned to use. That will probably be hard for both of you but it's important for your health and hers, and the health of your relationship.
Peace,
Hanna
I'm sorry about your situation but glad you found the forum.
When you got treatment you learned how to get yourself clean and stay that way. Your schooling taught you how to treat a patient, not a loved one. Now you need the tools to deal with having a loved on in addiction. You've come to the right place.
It sounds like you have taken her on as a patient which is taboo in most medical fields for a reason.
You made a few comments above that tell me you probably already know that what is going on isn't healthy for a relationship. If she was simply your patient it would be different. She is not though.
Please stick around and keep reading and posting. Read the stickies at the top of the forum, too. Some good advice there.
Please make sure and do what you need to do for yourself to stay healthy. Most of us find that we can't cure or control someone else's disease. You've helped her a great deal but it might be time to step back a little and let her put what she has learned to use. That will probably be hard for both of you but it's important for your health and hers, and the health of your relationship.
Peace,
Hanna
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear TheChef, I think you already suspect that you are treading where angels fear to go.
It is understandable, though---those of us in the helping professions (me, too) are instinctively drawn to the bird with the broken wing And, we so desperately want to preserve the relationship we have invested in. This often makes us good professionals, but, can be our Achilles heel in our personal lives. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to know where to draw the lines.
Melody Beattie wrote about rescuing in one of her books--that the rescuer (inappropriate rescuing) always winds up becoming the victim!! That was a real eye-opener for me--as I had not read about this theory, before. I felt like I had just discovered fire! So far, I find it to be true.
It might be good reading for you, just n ow.
Oh, and alanon would be a good idea (in my opinion).
sincerely, dandylion
It is understandable, though---those of us in the helping professions (me, too) are instinctively drawn to the bird with the broken wing And, we so desperately want to preserve the relationship we have invested in. This often makes us good professionals, but, can be our Achilles heel in our personal lives. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to know where to draw the lines.
Melody Beattie wrote about rescuing in one of her books--that the rescuer (inappropriate rescuing) always winds up becoming the victim!! That was a real eye-opener for me--as I had not read about this theory, before. I felt like I had just discovered fire! So far, I find it to be true.
It might be good reading for you, just n ow.
Oh, and alanon would be a good idea (in my opinion).
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
IMHO, you are personally involved, can you truly be objective???
My older brother is an attorney, yet he will not represent me in legal matters. He will offer his personal/ legal advice ONLY if I Ask, but he says he is too emotional vested to represent me. I can respect that.
My nephew is a doctor. When I tell him I am not feeling well, he tells me to go to the doctor. The first time he said that to me I thought, "you little quack." but he is absolutely right, he doesn't have my chart in front of him, he doesn't know my complete medical history.
I think the reason you feel like a "wreck" possibly you are in over your head. It's really ok to take a step back and allow her to seek out her own recovery.
My older brother is an attorney, yet he will not represent me in legal matters. He will offer his personal/ legal advice ONLY if I Ask, but he says he is too emotional vested to represent me. I can respect that.
My nephew is a doctor. When I tell him I am not feeling well, he tells me to go to the doctor. The first time he said that to me I thought, "you little quack." but he is absolutely right, he doesn't have my chart in front of him, he doesn't know my complete medical history.
I think the reason you feel like a "wreck" possibly you are in over your head. It's really ok to take a step back and allow her to seek out her own recovery.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
One of the first things I heard in my own recovery is:
"We DO NOT 12 step those that we are EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH."
I guess my sponsor told me that, when I started saying how much my parents could use the AA program, lol
However, whether one got sober in AA or any other program, and I would hope that you are hearing this also in the classes you are taking to further your own career and hopefully recovery in addiction.
We DO NOT even attempt to help those that we are EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED with. Just like Doctors do not medically take care of their own family.
That is really why Alanon and Naranon came to be, because we as laymen were trying to 'fix', 'control' our A's that we are/were emotionally attached to.
Yep, you are in a bit of turmoil right now, and I do believe Alanon or some one on one counseling for YOU might be in order.
I also cannot help but wonder how much of your girl friend's accepting of admitting she needs help was done just to 'please' you and be agreeable and soon she will be back to her original habits. Do not be surprised if this happens. With many of us A's it does take a pretty bad 'bottom' for us to realize that we are living in incomprehensible demoralization, that we have to SURRENDER and ACCEPT that concept of never using again. I reached that point and knew, just absolutely knew, that I was dying and that if I tried to detox I would die, but I wanted to die sober.
Congrats on your 3 years. Life does get better and better the further into our recovery we get!
I am happy that you found us, but sorry why you had to. Stick around, read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, read some of the threads and you will see you are not alone.
Love and hugs,
"We DO NOT 12 step those that we are EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH."
I guess my sponsor told me that, when I started saying how much my parents could use the AA program, lol
However, whether one got sober in AA or any other program, and I would hope that you are hearing this also in the classes you are taking to further your own career and hopefully recovery in addiction.
We DO NOT even attempt to help those that we are EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED with. Just like Doctors do not medically take care of their own family.
That is really why Alanon and Naranon came to be, because we as laymen were trying to 'fix', 'control' our A's that we are/were emotionally attached to.
Yep, you are in a bit of turmoil right now, and I do believe Alanon or some one on one counseling for YOU might be in order.
I also cannot help but wonder how much of your girl friend's accepting of admitting she needs help was done just to 'please' you and be agreeable and soon she will be back to her original habits. Do not be surprised if this happens. With many of us A's it does take a pretty bad 'bottom' for us to realize that we are living in incomprehensible demoralization, that we have to SURRENDER and ACCEPT that concept of never using again. I reached that point and knew, just absolutely knew, that I was dying and that if I tried to detox I would die, but I wanted to die sober.
Congrats on your 3 years. Life does get better and better the further into our recovery we get!
I am happy that you found us, but sorry why you had to. Stick around, read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, read some of the threads and you will see you are not alone.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
This is extremely difficult for you because I think 1--you love her, 2--you are testing your own professional abilities on her and are going to take it personally if she succeeds or fails.
It's not your battle.
It's hers.
Isn't that a great thing? Now you are not responsible for the outcome.
This is when you say to yourself--It's not about ME. I have nothing to do with it...in the big picture of her life, her decisions, and who she is. It's not directly at me, either. It's simply not about me!
Put your needs first again. You have a lot on your plate. You need your wits about you to succeed at your OWN challenges. Don't use up all your energy on trying to fight her battle for her. You need that energy! And she needs to know that she is in control of her own choices, else she fail because she never knew she was in control the whole time...that she holds the power over herself...see how it could backfire?
Be supportive. End your involvement there, letting her know that you know that she holds the power over who she is.
Guess what...that will empower her.
She takes the credit for success. She takes the fall if she fails. It's about HER relationship with HERSELF.
It's not your battle.
It's hers.
Isn't that a great thing? Now you are not responsible for the outcome.
This is when you say to yourself--It's not about ME. I have nothing to do with it...in the big picture of her life, her decisions, and who she is. It's not directly at me, either. It's simply not about me!
Put your needs first again. You have a lot on your plate. You need your wits about you to succeed at your OWN challenges. Don't use up all your energy on trying to fight her battle for her. You need that energy! And she needs to know that she is in control of her own choices, else she fail because she never knew she was in control the whole time...that she holds the power over herself...see how it could backfire?
Be supportive. End your involvement there, letting her know that you know that she holds the power over who she is.
Guess what...that will empower her.
She takes the credit for success. She takes the fall if she fails. It's about HER relationship with HERSELF.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 11
Thanks for all the input everyone. It means a lot to me. You're all absolutely right, I'm making her problem my problem. It's time that I step back and let her seek out recovery on her own. In the end it's her life she's saving, and she has to realize that. It may take a hard crash to rock bottom, as it took for many of us (myself included).
I'm the type of person that's inclined to help someone else regardless of the cost to myself, which is just downright crazy, I know. It all boils down to me not wanting to see *anyone*, let alone a loved one, spiral down into addiction and go through the hell that it entails. It also is because I'm a firm believer that in recovery, you have to take charge at all times to get sober and to stay sober, and I guess that I just extended this way of thinking to trying to help my girlfriend.
As for those who have recommended Al-anon. I got that ball rolling earlier today and I'll be attending that, plus a support group hosted by a local recovery home. I also already have a personal therapist that I see bi-monthly, and she specializes in addictions. She'll provide some good insight. As for Al-Anon, I found an Al-Anon group that's close by and I'll be attending it this Monday night.
I'm actually finding a lot of peace in the fact that I'm getting such honest and upfront replies from the members of this board, even though I'm brand new to the board. I'm learning the hard lesson that it's one thing to go through addiction and recovery yourself, but it's a completely different ball game to have a loved one go through it, and it requires a different approach.
I've yet to learn the important lesson that sometimes you have to take a step back from things. That being said, it's time for my girlfriend to step up to the plate and get her life back, not for me to do it for her.
Thanks everyone. It means more to me than I can really put into words.
I'm the type of person that's inclined to help someone else regardless of the cost to myself, which is just downright crazy, I know. It all boils down to me not wanting to see *anyone*, let alone a loved one, spiral down into addiction and go through the hell that it entails. It also is because I'm a firm believer that in recovery, you have to take charge at all times to get sober and to stay sober, and I guess that I just extended this way of thinking to trying to help my girlfriend.
As for those who have recommended Al-anon. I got that ball rolling earlier today and I'll be attending that, plus a support group hosted by a local recovery home. I also already have a personal therapist that I see bi-monthly, and she specializes in addictions. She'll provide some good insight. As for Al-Anon, I found an Al-Anon group that's close by and I'll be attending it this Monday night.
I'm actually finding a lot of peace in the fact that I'm getting such honest and upfront replies from the members of this board, even though I'm brand new to the board. I'm learning the hard lesson that it's one thing to go through addiction and recovery yourself, but it's a completely different ball game to have a loved one go through it, and it requires a different approach.
I've yet to learn the important lesson that sometimes you have to take a step back from things. That being said, it's time for my girlfriend to step up to the plate and get her life back, not for me to do it for her.
Thanks everyone. It means more to me than I can really put into words.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"Get her into recovery mode, "got her to admit", "got her to write out a list"
"I got in touch with various addiction services", "I'm going to see to it", "I've been monitoring her"
Took special care to pour all the booze down the drain, administering field sobriety tests.
Can you hear yourself?? You have completely taken over her path, you are making yourself her Higher Power! There is nothing in your post that resembles someone with knowledge of addiction. You can't helicopter over someone, arrange their recovery for them, pour out their booze, and think that this is the path to true recovery. From reading this, I have no inkling of what SHE truly wants. You have made her your project. The fact that she is going to the clinic you intern at is a red flag. I'm a health care professional, and I see my own patients. I would never get that enmeshed in the care of my family members. I think her being at your facility is a bad idea, at the very least it doesn't seem ethical. She is entitled to her privacy under HIPPA.
Let her arrange her own recovery. Detach and get out of the way of her true Higher Power. You need recovery as bad as she does. Get to AlAnon, stop focusing on her and focus on you. I know this sounds harsh, and I know when you're in health care it's too easy to be able to step in and take care of things. But it's a bad idea. You need to respect boundaries. I really hope you find AlAnon.
"I got in touch with various addiction services", "I'm going to see to it", "I've been monitoring her"
Took special care to pour all the booze down the drain, administering field sobriety tests.
Can you hear yourself?? You have completely taken over her path, you are making yourself her Higher Power! There is nothing in your post that resembles someone with knowledge of addiction. You can't helicopter over someone, arrange their recovery for them, pour out their booze, and think that this is the path to true recovery. From reading this, I have no inkling of what SHE truly wants. You have made her your project. The fact that she is going to the clinic you intern at is a red flag. I'm a health care professional, and I see my own patients. I would never get that enmeshed in the care of my family members. I think her being at your facility is a bad idea, at the very least it doesn't seem ethical. She is entitled to her privacy under HIPPA.
Let her arrange her own recovery. Detach and get out of the way of her true Higher Power. You need recovery as bad as she does. Get to AlAnon, stop focusing on her and focus on you. I know this sounds harsh, and I know when you're in health care it's too easy to be able to step in and take care of things. But it's a bad idea. You need to respect boundaries. I really hope you find AlAnon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 11
Recovering 2,
First, I took quite some offense to what you had to say about me not knowing anything about addiction. You don't know me, you don't know my history nor my circumstances. Comments like that are completely unwarranted, IMHO.
Second, the reason why she was going to go to that clinic is because it's the main addictions clinic in the city and the only one that really does Naltrexone and Campral treatment on a large-scale basis. I'm not even interning in the same program as that. I wouldn't have been seeing her, and I wouldn't have had contact with her, her records, etc. Also, because I respect confidentiality, ethics and professionalism, the whole idea of her coming to that clinic has been nixed as of yesterday evening. She'll have to find an alternative. I'm sure she can find another provider of these treatments, because they are out there. The ball's in her court now, because I've let go.
Third, I've been in touch with Al-Anon and am going to my first meeting on Monday. I need to work on myself and quit being affected by this.
Fourth, I'll be the first to admit that I went overboard with the helicoptering. I should have known better. When I see someone, especially a loved one, in distress, I can get like that. If you want to deride me some more about that, you're more than welcome to.
I don't feel like I have to justify myself to you, but you really struck some nerves. I know that you said that it seems like you're being harsh, and I'll be honest, you are, but I also see that what you're saying is completely true and absolutely correct. This is the first time I've ever had to deal with a loved one with an addiction. I've dealt with friends with addictions and my own addictions and they were each completely different stories. I've been in recovery for three years now, and there is no way in h*ll that I'm going to even risk jeopardizing my recovery, my professional career and my life for another person's addiction. I'll get off my soapbox now.
First, I took quite some offense to what you had to say about me not knowing anything about addiction. You don't know me, you don't know my history nor my circumstances. Comments like that are completely unwarranted, IMHO.
Second, the reason why she was going to go to that clinic is because it's the main addictions clinic in the city and the only one that really does Naltrexone and Campral treatment on a large-scale basis. I'm not even interning in the same program as that. I wouldn't have been seeing her, and I wouldn't have had contact with her, her records, etc. Also, because I respect confidentiality, ethics and professionalism, the whole idea of her coming to that clinic has been nixed as of yesterday evening. She'll have to find an alternative. I'm sure she can find another provider of these treatments, because they are out there. The ball's in her court now, because I've let go.
Third, I've been in touch with Al-Anon and am going to my first meeting on Monday. I need to work on myself and quit being affected by this.
Fourth, I'll be the first to admit that I went overboard with the helicoptering. I should have known better. When I see someone, especially a loved one, in distress, I can get like that. If you want to deride me some more about that, you're more than welcome to.
I don't feel like I have to justify myself to you, but you really struck some nerves. I know that you said that it seems like you're being harsh, and I'll be honest, you are, but I also see that what you're saying is completely true and absolutely correct. This is the first time I've ever had to deal with a loved one with an addiction. I've dealt with friends with addictions and my own addictions and they were each completely different stories. I've been in recovery for three years now, and there is no way in h*ll that I'm going to even risk jeopardizing my recovery, my professional career and my life for another person's addiction. I'll get off my soapbox now.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, Chef,
Chill. Take a few deep breaths, and in a few days, re-read your first post with a DISPASSIONATE eye. It sounds super-managing and controlling. I think you realized it yourself after the first few responses. You're shifting your course, which is good.
I think everyone acts in ways that can be counterproductive when faced with the reality of a loved one's addiction. Our knee-jerk reactions take over. And I don't think professionals are immune to it. The emotional factor kicks in when it's someone we love, and that's something that just doesn't exist (not to the same extent, anyway) when we are in a professional capacity.
I worked many years in law enforcement. When one of my kids got into a couple of scrapes with the law, I reacted like a parent, not a professional.
We tend to be a little bit blunt around here. Sometimes that approach is needed, the same way it is sometimes needed when addicts and alcoholics are dealing with each other. I think I can safely say everyone here has compassion for your situation, and for your feelings.
Chill. Take a few deep breaths, and in a few days, re-read your first post with a DISPASSIONATE eye. It sounds super-managing and controlling. I think you realized it yourself after the first few responses. You're shifting your course, which is good.
I think everyone acts in ways that can be counterproductive when faced with the reality of a loved one's addiction. Our knee-jerk reactions take over. And I don't think professionals are immune to it. The emotional factor kicks in when it's someone we love, and that's something that just doesn't exist (not to the same extent, anyway) when we are in a professional capacity.
I worked many years in law enforcement. When one of my kids got into a couple of scrapes with the law, I reacted like a parent, not a professional.
We tend to be a little bit blunt around here. Sometimes that approach is needed, the same way it is sometimes needed when addicts and alcoholics are dealing with each other. I think I can safely say everyone here has compassion for your situation, and for your feelings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 11
Thanks LexieCat. I see exactly what you mean. I read your post, and then looked at my first post. I thought "What the heck was I thinking?".
Just a quick update with the AGF situation, she and I spoke last night and I basically said that there's nothing more that I can do for her and that she has to get herself help. A blazing red flag showed up when she said "I don't want abstinence, I want harm reduction". This showed to me in one fell swoop that she's not ready yet IMHO. I believe that abstinence is the only road to recovery, but it's her life and it's her call to make. I hope that she gets better someday, but in the meantime, I'm focusing on myself. She has to want to get better, I've realized now that I can't tell her to get better. If she values booze over everything else, that's her problem. She may have to hit rock bottom pretty hard before she realizes that she has to account for herself. I'll support her and hold her hand through the process, but I'm not starting the process or interfering with the process. Nobody did for me when I got into recovery. I hit rock bottom hard and got myself into recovery and I kept myself in recovery. I had plenty of support, and you have to have support, but it still came down to me wanting to get and to stay sober. She has to realize this on her own, and it's not something that comes easy.
Again, thank you everyone for your compassion and your honesty. LexieCat, you've been outstanding!
Just a quick update with the AGF situation, she and I spoke last night and I basically said that there's nothing more that I can do for her and that she has to get herself help. A blazing red flag showed up when she said "I don't want abstinence, I want harm reduction". This showed to me in one fell swoop that she's not ready yet IMHO. I believe that abstinence is the only road to recovery, but it's her life and it's her call to make. I hope that she gets better someday, but in the meantime, I'm focusing on myself. She has to want to get better, I've realized now that I can't tell her to get better. If she values booze over everything else, that's her problem. She may have to hit rock bottom pretty hard before she realizes that she has to account for herself. I'll support her and hold her hand through the process, but I'm not starting the process or interfering with the process. Nobody did for me when I got into recovery. I hit rock bottom hard and got myself into recovery and I kept myself in recovery. I had plenty of support, and you have to have support, but it still came down to me wanting to get and to stay sober. She has to realize this on her own, and it's not something that comes easy.
Again, thank you everyone for your compassion and your honesty. LexieCat, you've been outstanding!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm glad I hit a nerve with you. Sometimes that's what it takes to step back and take a look at ourselves and our situations. People on this site don't sugar coat things,, this disease is too serious for that.
FWIW, I didn't say you don't know anything about addiction. I said there was nothing in your post that resembled someone with knowledge of addiction. You said you re-read your first post and thought "what was I thinking?" so you can see what I was talking about. You may know it, but you weren't putting that knowledge into action. As you read posts here, I think you realized you weren't really helping the situation. And when you stepped back, you can now see that she isn't ready.
The beauty of AlAnon is we don't know each other. We don't know our histories/backgrounds/circumstances. But we know each other. Our stories are different, yet they are all the same.
Believe me, I have compassion for your situation. As I said, I'm a HCP with knowledge of addiction, and I was still caught in the spin cycle of this disease with my BF as well. Through AlAnon and a great counselor, I learned to separate my profession from my relationship. He didn't get immediately sober, but my life got better.
I'm glad you found an AlAnon meeting, and I do hope your GF chooses recovery.
FWIW, I didn't say you don't know anything about addiction. I said there was nothing in your post that resembled someone with knowledge of addiction. You said you re-read your first post and thought "what was I thinking?" so you can see what I was talking about. You may know it, but you weren't putting that knowledge into action. As you read posts here, I think you realized you weren't really helping the situation. And when you stepped back, you can now see that she isn't ready.
The beauty of AlAnon is we don't know each other. We don't know our histories/backgrounds/circumstances. But we know each other. Our stories are different, yet they are all the same.
Believe me, I have compassion for your situation. As I said, I'm a HCP with knowledge of addiction, and I was still caught in the spin cycle of this disease with my BF as well. Through AlAnon and a great counselor, I learned to separate my profession from my relationship. He didn't get immediately sober, but my life got better.
I'm glad you found an AlAnon meeting, and I do hope your GF chooses recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Chef-
I just want to thank you. First for starting this thread, and secondly for giving yourself the space to take in what is said.
It is helping me.
I have lived with an eating disorder since I was a little girl and started to get help for it in my early 20s. I did that on my own, and have been consistant in my own recovery since that time.
I met and married someone who struggled with alcohol in my late 20s.
What this experience did not do was make me change my own recovery....but though I did not take it on as my fault for his addiction, it did somehow feel like mine that my loved one would not get help (and did not appear interested in it). That felt like I had failed him somehow. In reality he did not think he even had a problem.
Al-Anon, SR and continued therapy (with a slightly different focus) have allowed me to understand so much more about myself. Though I am now divorced and the last three years have not been easy ones, this relationship FORCED growth for me (and thus stabalized my recovery) even further.
I don't always like the lessons, but I have gained so much from the learning.
Thanks for showing me the road I have been down and giving me some clarity on it.
I just want to thank you. First for starting this thread, and secondly for giving yourself the space to take in what is said.
It is helping me.
I have lived with an eating disorder since I was a little girl and started to get help for it in my early 20s. I did that on my own, and have been consistant in my own recovery since that time.
I met and married someone who struggled with alcohol in my late 20s.
What this experience did not do was make me change my own recovery....but though I did not take it on as my fault for his addiction, it did somehow feel like mine that my loved one would not get help (and did not appear interested in it). That felt like I had failed him somehow. In reality he did not think he even had a problem.
Al-Anon, SR and continued therapy (with a slightly different focus) have allowed me to understand so much more about myself. Though I am now divorced and the last three years have not been easy ones, this relationship FORCED growth for me (and thus stabalized my recovery) even further.
I don't always like the lessons, but I have gained so much from the learning.
Thanks for showing me the road I have been down and giving me some clarity on it.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I'm learning the hard lesson that it's one thing to go through addiction and recovery yourself, but it's a completely different ball game to have a loved one go through it, and it requires a different approach.
In Alanon and Naranon, once we start that part of our recovery they have a 'name' for us:
"DOUBLE WINNERS."
Yep, I and several others that post on here do have that nickname, lol and I LOVE IT! My Alanon sponsor was also a 'double winner'. I really didn't know that she was in Alanon until I saw her there, but saw her on a regular basis in AA and she was a member of my 'home group.'
When I started Alanon at 3 years to the day sober (very strong 'suggestion' from my AA sponsor, lol) I quickly started to see that in Alanon the 12 steps were looked at with a totally different perspective than AA and after I worked the steps, again, and started practicing what I had learned in Alanon with what I had learned in AA, LIVING those steps on a daily basis, my life really did get a lot better.
I also found that Alanon was a very big help in how I worked with my sponsees and there have been many over the years, a lot of whom are still in touch with me, as a friend now, lol
Since you are going into 'Addiction Counseling', 1) you yourself being in recovery will be an asset, in knowing how to cut through their BS, and 2) your own recovery in Alanon will be an asset in being able to set your personal boundaries and remain firm on those boundaries as you work with your upcoming troubled addicts of all different kinds of substances.
The saying I mentioned in my other post is still at the top of my list as a constant reminder to me, and along with that is "The 3 C's".
I didn't Cause this.
I can't Control this.
I can't Cure this.
Bringing to the forefront of my mind, that THEY themselves must do the work, all of the work.
When my sister called to give me a 'heads up' on my youngest nephew who had become addicted due to an ongoing health problem and an enabling Dr at Valraiso University which he was attending at the time, I thanked her. Yep, I too got the call, because he knows "his Aunt Laurie is in recovery for a long time and she will help me."
Well I did 'enable' just a teeny little bit. I gave him the local numbers in his area for AA and NA and told him, since he didn't have insurance, that if he felt rehab might be of help to him to call his local Salvation Army as they had a really good successful rehab for those that really really wanted recovery. Other than that I told him only he could fix his problem and I was adding him to my daily prayers.
Didn't hear from him, neither did my Sis. About 8 months later, she got a call, and he had asked did she think it was okay if he called me also. She said sure, especially after she heard his news. Well, seems he had been in the SA program for 6 months and had at least another 3 months to go, and then he was going to go live in a Sober Living Environment home as he started to 'brave' the big wide world clean and sober. I congratulated him and told him to 'keep trudgin' whereupon he chuckled and I am Aunt Laurie I am.
That was over 8 years ago now, and he is 'working his program' daily and his life has changed dramatically! He is a definite 'asset' these days to 'civilized society', lol Now I have no doubt if I had 'helped' him, ran around (or searche the net thoroughly) finding him rehabs driving myself nuts with worry, not only would rehab probably not have worked (have seen that outcome many times when 'others' have tried to help their loved one) but he might still be out there or dead.
I have to back off, even with sponsees that are having a 'rough go' of it and I can see that rehab would be a help, I made the decision a long time ago, that THEY have to come up with that solution, and they have to RESEARCH and find the rehab.
Something else that has stuck with me all these years was from Hugh (my AA sponsor's hubby, also in AA and one 'who walked the way he talked'):
"If I baby you I will bury you."
"I will risk your friendship to save your life."
I wish you nothing but success in your upcoming career. Will send an extra prayer that you learn the basics of how to 'switch hats' and still work on you as a recovering A, and then switch hats to once again 'become the counselor or therapist'. Just remember to take time for you, to fill back up your own 'personal cup' of wisdom so you do not 'burn out'.
I do know just a 'teeny bit about burn out.' lol I went back to school at 43 to finish and get my degree so I could become a licensed RN. I also took extra course in psychology to help with my 'laymen sponsoring', lol I had my own company for many years, I and my nurses and CNA's did private pay home care of the terminally ill and/or the totally incapacitated. Yes, got some of my referrals from Hospice and the Hospice Doctor and others from the Doctors here in town. I am very familar with 'burn out.' Learned quickly when I saw our Hospice here, taking there workers out of the field every 6 months or so and putting them to work in the office (this was mandatory for ALL of them) and it went a long way in taking them 'away from the intense work' and giving them a 'breather.' They would then return to 'the field' ready to meet the day.
You have chosen a field of endeavor within the Healthcare field that can really drain a person of their energy and willingness, and thus I would suggest being even more vigilant about yourself and your own recovery.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, as we do care so very much. You have already seen, that you are free to rant, rave, cry, scream and yes even laugh. We have been there, and we are now walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
ps: I apologize for going further than what your posts have asked. See it is 'progress not perfection' lol and my codie side is certainly showing in this post, roflmao
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Recovering2 
"Get her into recovery mode, "got her to admit", "got her to write out a list"
"I got in touch with various addiction services", "I'm going to see to it", "I've been monitoring her"
Took special care to pour all the booze down the drain, administering field sobriety tests.
Can you hear yourself?? You have completely taken over her path, you are making yourself her Higher Power! There is nothing in your post that resembles someone with knowledge of addiction. You can't helicopter over someone, arrange their recovery for them, pour out their booze, and think that this is the path to true recovery. From reading this, I have no inkling of what SHE truly wants. You have made her your project. The fact that she is going to the clinic you intern at is a red flag. I'm a health care professional, and I see my own patients. I would never get that enmeshed in the care of my family members. I think her being at your facility is a bad idea, at the very least it doesn't seem ethical. She is entitled to her privacy under HIPPA.
Let her arrange her own recovery. Detach and get out of the way of her true Higher Power. You need recovery as bad as she does. Get to AlAnon, stop focusing on her and focus on you. I know this sounds harsh, and I know when you're in health care it's too easy to be able to step in and take care of things. But it's a bad idea. You need to respect boundaries. I really hope you find AlAnon.
"I got in touch with various addiction services", "I'm going to see to it", "I've been monitoring her"
Took special care to pour all the booze down the drain, administering field sobriety tests.
Can you hear yourself?? You have completely taken over her path, you are making yourself her Higher Power! There is nothing in your post that resembles someone with knowledge of addiction. You can't helicopter over someone, arrange their recovery for them, pour out their booze, and think that this is the path to true recovery. From reading this, I have no inkling of what SHE truly wants. You have made her your project. The fact that she is going to the clinic you intern at is a red flag. I'm a health care professional, and I see my own patients. I would never get that enmeshed in the care of my family members. I think her being at your facility is a bad idea, at the very least it doesn't seem ethical. She is entitled to her privacy under HIPPA.
Let her arrange her own recovery. Detach and get out of the way of her true Higher Power. You need recovery as bad as she does. Get to AlAnon, stop focusing on her and focus on you. I know this sounds harsh, and I know when you're in health care it's too easy to be able to step in and take care of things. But it's a bad idea. You need to respect boundaries. I really hope you find AlAnon.
As they put it, you cannot ******** a bullshitter. They have been there, know about the lying conning, altered mentation, etc etc. The things the OP did are not so terrible. Perhaps his female friend is tired of being sick and tired already and open/receptive to the possibility of getting the "monkey off her back" Making the list is one of the things done by those seeking sobriety, is it not? Maybe she is just playing along to appease him and simply continue to drink and perhaps be enabled by him? Maybe, just maybe she really does want to get sober. Pouring alcohol in the drain is useless if the addict has no desire to stop, but if they do have desire to stop it is not useless even if only symbolic.
Lets face it, families, loved ones and friends organize interventions which actually can and do work though not 100% result.
The work and contributions of AA and founders are nothing short of stellar and positive and have helped many get sober and stay sober though there are relapses. ALANON can be helpful but the format is quite similar to AA.You kind of need to extract helpful stuff on your own by listening to what others share. "Take what you want and leave the rest"
If you attend support groups sponsored by rehab centers you can not only hear the stories of others like yourself but you can ask question, and discuss. The rehab counselor explain addiction and why your loved ones do the tings they do helps greatly and for me filled a significant gap at ALANON.
The "legacy thinking" that says only the person themselves can know if they are alcoholic is partial fallacy also because DSM criteria exists that means others can and do diagnose alcohol abuse/ alcoholism.
As a physician I have learned a great deal attending medical conference on addiction and reading books and watching a loved one deteriorate with a bottle.
As per HIPPA, is it not common for rehab centers to be in touch with family, friends, loved ones so they can sort out the fact from the fiction when treating the addict?
I appreciate any feedback or critique.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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As per HIPPA, is it not common for rehab centers to be in touch with family, friends, loved ones so they can sort out the fact from the fiction when treating the addict?
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