rocker

Okay. So AH has fallen off his wagon after a whole 11 days. (oh big deal I think)

He is now sitting by the pool and sipping his wine after offering me some. He asked me to join him and I said I needed to work at my computer. (it's 8:30 at night here.)

He's sad that I'm not joining him but I feel like that is rewarding him.

So.. .my question is this. I've been reading the 'getting them sober' book. but I still don't understand.

What is my best course of action right now?
He most likely will not become angry or belligerent since he knows that will make me really pissed off.

Do I go to bed crazy early in order to ignore hanging out with him?
What do I say?

I don't want to fall into the reward/punishment routine.

If anyone has suggestions I'm open.
I cannot leave as it's too late and I need to go to bed by around 11.

LaughAway

I'd go to bed to avoid hanging out with him. Especially if your normal routine was to drink together.

Is this is his first attempt to getting sober?

My A is on his second. It's a hard road.

AnvilheadII

do what is best for your sanity. just cuz he's choosing to drink, that does not HAVE to wreck your world. yeah I know, that's easier said than done, but at some point it becomes an "every man/woman for themselves" issue. you need sleep? get some. if you won't want to wake up to drunk coming to bed, sleep in the guest room. try to keep YOUR life as normal as possible.

and i'm sorry.

rocker

Okay. Thanks everyone. I think I will stay at my computer for an extra long time. He is on the phone now. Since I wouldn't come outside 'to play' .. he had to call someone. I think it's his mum.

Who would be furious if she knew he was drinking. But she'll just think he was exceptionally charming.

Sigh. So tough to deal with my heart sinking like this. Wow. It actually hurts in my chest. Unreal.

Thank you AnvilheadII. And Jewel5k1978.

rocker

Just have to add...
AH is indeed talking on the phone to his Irish mum.
You'd think he was the ideal prodigal son. Oh... being so entertaining and upbeat. Telling jokes.

All day long he has bitched and ranted and raved with rage and anger.
Literally... all day.

Then pop. Goes the cork. And picks up the phone to call mum. And oh my.. what a facade he puts on. Telling old stories to impress her. and being super loud and sounding oh so knowledgeable. (meanwhile he just gave her an incorrect website address.)

Pathetic.
I'm so annoyed right now.

LaughAway

That's just what they do. My A wld call his sponsor while he was drinking. I know it makes you very angry. But you have to just try your best to let it go. Try to do something else to help keep yourself occupied.

redatlanta

Yes Ignore. I became a professional at that.

By chance did you have a discussion with him about what would happen if he drank again?

kasie

Ignore what the A is doing, do what suits you - whether that's going to bed, staying on the computer, etc.

My exABF used to sit around drinking outside for hours on end and couldn't work out why I wouldn't join him. To me, life is bigger than sitting next to someone talking crap all day long, especially if they don't remember a thing the next day.

The more you accommodate his behaviour the worse it gets, IMHO.

1newcreation

If you hang around a barber shop, even if you have no hair, you WILL get a hair cut!

CeciliaV

I read "Getting Them Sober" and it is a bit dated, and for those of us with A's who don't get angry-drunk, there's not a ton of applicable situations. And honestly, I was distracted by the multiple references to how living with an A can leave you with physical maladies like "persistent gynecological issues." Seriously? I'm not holding all my anger and frustration in my hooha! Aside from the hooha joke, I didn't get too much out of that book.

The suggestion to just go about your business is a good one though - can't remember if it came from that book or "Get Your Loved One Sober," but I did see a suggestion to approach the A, state that you're not down with hanging out with them while they're drinking, and say you're gonna go do something for yourself & by yourself. The declaration of disapproval and the intent to do something else is where I get stuck - it seems a bit confrontational, but if delivered in the right way, it can be communicative. Haven't tried it myself though - my MO has been to quietly go about my business or get upset/angry. Obviously, the former is a bit healthier than the latter.