Looking for support

Old 04-11-2013, 12:09 PM
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Looking for support

Hello. Ive been lurking for awhile, and finally gathered the courage to post. I've been married to an addict for about a year and a half. I knew he took prescription painkillers before we got married, but I didn't know how bad it really was. My husband is prescribed Percocet for back pain through a pain clinic, but abuses his prescription and then buys more off the street. He has spent thousands on pills, while our bills get further and further behind, and I struggle to make ends meet. To make matters worse, we have a 10-month old son. I struggle daily with wanting to stay with my husband and be there for him when he finally decides to reach out for help, and leaving to make a better life for my son and I. I've threatened to leave him in the past, but he says he couldn't live without us, and threatens to kill himself. Im finally starting to see through the threats and to realize that the ways I thought I was helping him were only enabling him. I've been "controlling" his prescription for awhile, and get blamed when he's in pain and I won't give him anything. I've told him I'm not doing this anymore and that once his prescription is gone, there's no money for anything else, and Im leaving him if he buys anything. We are moving to a new apartment at the end of June, and I told him if he buys any pills outside of his prescription I'll be moving alone with the baby.
I want so badly to help him, but I know it has to come from him. I still love him, and want to help him change, but I have to put my baby, an myself, first because he isn't going to. I just need some support right now, especially from anyone who's been in a similar situation. I will neer be able to make ends meet without him being at least a part of his sons life. I work fulltime, and my husband cares for our son 2 days a week (he works weekends but has 2 days free durin the week) and I can't afford to change and have him in daycare those 2 days. never mind trying to figure out how to pay rent on a single income.
Another problem is that his mother knows of this problem, an will give him money when he calls telling her how much pain he is in. I've tried to ask her my to do this, but she still does. His father was an addict, but commuted suicide several years ago while high. His mother enabled his father their entire marriage and has now moved in to her son. I have a linked savings account to our checking account that my husband does not have access to, do I am able to somewhat protect our money, but I can't stop him from getting money from her!

I apologize if this is kind f all over the place, but I have no outlet right now to talk about this with, and it's been festering for almost 2 years.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:47 PM
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Deep breath sweetie.

Phew. That is a lot, good news is you found us, and we are here to support you in anyway we can.

Can I ask, is your family nearby??? Willing to help you???

Sounds like you need to make some kind of move.

He doesn't have to threaten you with committing suicide, sounds like he is in the process of doing just that. His business.

Please keep posting, we care.

Katie
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:58 PM
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So often I hear in recovery rooms, "It is what it is." And I think you are coming to that hard realization. Your husband is deep in active addiction, he is draining the family of vital resources, he is posing a threat to your child's safety (we cannot underestimate the lengths an addict will go to to feed his addiction while he has solo care of a child), he has destroyed the non-negotiable ingredient of trust in the marriage, and he has not made any serious attempts to get clean. It is what it is.

You are the sober adult and the caretaker of an innocent child whose highest good is in your hands alone. So you have to do what must be done, based on what is true today in your life.

Living separately, getting a legal agreement for continued financial support, and finding a counselor to help you through the hard times ahead seems the most realistic action to take right now. Continuing the status quo would be making choices based on hopes and dreams and you just cannot afford to do that, as a responsible mother.

No one knows if he will find recovery. But you can create a home which is a safe and sacred sanctuary--no drugs addicts allowed--while you wait for more guidance and more to be revealed.
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:22 PM
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hello there.

I am sorry that you are in the midst of such confusing heartache. Addiction is just so powerful, cunning and baffling. It is so so so hard, as the one who is not addicted to the substance, to understand how anyone could choose a drug over their wife, their child, their life.

It is going to be really hard once you come closer to the deadline that you have set...you have drawn a line, you have stated a boundary. I used to try to draw these lines. I would say them, it would be a threat I would make, an ultimatum. Addiction does not usually respond all that well to ultimatums...so be prepared for that.

It can and will be baffling if he can not behave in accordance with your boundary.

It seems from your post that you understand that it must "come from him".

Your own test is going to be that your limits, your boundaries are going to also have to come from within...you. I found that with my ex I had to finally uphold my own boundaries...they finally came from within and were about me.

I decided that I could not live with active addiction.

You will need to decide for yourself what your boundaries mean, and hopefully those boundaries will work best for all involved, especially your child.

I do have faith, I do believe that when you are living and doing what you need to be doing, what is best for all...then life shows up to help. Although he is involved in caring for your child...if you end up needing to decide that he should not be doing it...I do believe that somehow life will show up to show you the way.

Setting healthy boundaries for yourself and your child invites a healthy lifestyle to grow around you. Praying for you...
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