Desperate for recovery advice :(
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Desperate for recovery advice :(
My other half and I have been together for 10 yrs and have 4 children (2 with her X and 2 with me. I am early 40's, she is mid 30's). She finally got sober and has been in recovery 1 year as of 2 days ago.
After a year, she has only completed step 4 and I feel that it is going to be another 10 years before she understands what I have been through all these years and the hurt that she caused. All her gratitude has been to others and God for her sobriety. I feel so worthless, lost all of my self esteem as a man. For most of the relationship, she has worked nights so I take care of the kids while she was out drinking after work late every night and wondering where she was at 3 am and who she was doing "certain after hours visitations" with other people. When recovery came, I expected it to get better, come to find out I was told by her that she is now considered a little girl and does not know how to grow up yet and take responsibility?? I feel like I am being taken advantage of and used! So now even on nights she does not work she is at meetings. So nothing has changed. I still feel like the only parent in the house.
When she is home, is it too much to expect more help?? Everytime we need to make a "family" decision or I feel it is important to let the kids do this or do that, she stops me and says "I have to ask my sponsor (or mother) what we should do"???? I am so frustrated, I know right from wrong, why does my decision not matter? Now that her drinking addiction stopped, now all she does is play with facebook on her phone and get addicted to solitaire on the floor watching re-runs (and I do mean glued to the tv!).
Do I truly have to wait until she gets to step 9 to see that she knows and understands all that I have been through and still have to do alone?? Or am I being used and taken advantage of??
Do AA members truly go back to kindergarten aged intelligence and wisdom and need that much guidance or could she be using this as an excuse to not have to be "responsible" or make decisions??
I hate rambling, but I am at my breaking point and need advice as I cannot just leave... those children could not go through all of that.
After a year, she has only completed step 4 and I feel that it is going to be another 10 years before she understands what I have been through all these years and the hurt that she caused. All her gratitude has been to others and God for her sobriety. I feel so worthless, lost all of my self esteem as a man. For most of the relationship, she has worked nights so I take care of the kids while she was out drinking after work late every night and wondering where she was at 3 am and who she was doing "certain after hours visitations" with other people. When recovery came, I expected it to get better, come to find out I was told by her that she is now considered a little girl and does not know how to grow up yet and take responsibility?? I feel like I am being taken advantage of and used! So now even on nights she does not work she is at meetings. So nothing has changed. I still feel like the only parent in the house.
When she is home, is it too much to expect more help?? Everytime we need to make a "family" decision or I feel it is important to let the kids do this or do that, she stops me and says "I have to ask my sponsor (or mother) what we should do"???? I am so frustrated, I know right from wrong, why does my decision not matter? Now that her drinking addiction stopped, now all she does is play with facebook on her phone and get addicted to solitaire on the floor watching re-runs (and I do mean glued to the tv!).
Do I truly have to wait until she gets to step 9 to see that she knows and understands all that I have been through and still have to do alone?? Or am I being used and taken advantage of??
Do AA members truly go back to kindergarten aged intelligence and wisdom and need that much guidance or could she be using this as an excuse to not have to be "responsible" or make decisions??
I hate rambling, but I am at my breaking point and need advice as I cannot just leave... those children could not go through all of that.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
I have been to only small amounts of AL-ANON meetings as I work a full time job 6 days a week and take care of 4 kids by myself usually every night. I frequently go to her friday night meeting (open meeting) with her in support. We even started relationship counseling 4 months into her sobriety since she lost any and all intimacy ability after she stopped drinking. I am not without my faults and know that I work hard to step up and be the only mature responsible one, but sometimes we all slip, no one is perfect.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I am in no way accusing you of not stepping up and being responsible, in fact it sounds like the exact opposite!
It sounds like you are taking care of everyone and everything and leaving nothing left for yourself. It is not too much to expect her to help you. It is too much for you to do alone. We tend to lose ourselves in the addictions of others, to sweep in and take care of everything so that it doesn't fall apart. That way of living is not sustainable. We must take care ourselves, and allow the alcoholic or recovering alcoholic the dignity to do the same.
I am wishing you strength and hugs; you sound so exhausted.
It sounds like you are taking care of everyone and everything and leaving nothing left for yourself. It is not too much to expect her to help you. It is too much for you to do alone. We tend to lose ourselves in the addictions of others, to sweep in and take care of everything so that it doesn't fall apart. That way of living is not sustainable. We must take care ourselves, and allow the alcoholic or recovering alcoholic the dignity to do the same.
I am wishing you strength and hugs; you sound so exhausted.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I did not mean to imply that you were saying that 
I was just re-assuring that I know I am not the almighty perfect and she is the harlan. But its hard to get help learning to deal with a "slow" recovering A when I have had so much "thrown" on my plate and expectations are so high and do not even have time to use the restroom sometimes..lol I could not tell you if this was normal for a recovering A to act like this or it was a parlor trick to get me to do everything and take care of everything so she could enjoy life and take advantage of me. Sad to think that could be the case, but this does not seem normal. ( i know enough of Al-anon to know I should use that "normal" term loosely...lol)
I was just re-assuring that I know I am not the almighty perfect and she is the harlan. But its hard to get help learning to deal with a "slow" recovering A when I have had so much "thrown" on my plate and expectations are so high and do not even have time to use the restroom sometimes..lol I could not tell you if this was normal for a recovering A to act like this or it was a parlor trick to get me to do everything and take care of everything so she could enjoy life and take advantage of me. Sad to think that could be the case, but this does not seem normal. ( i know enough of Al-anon to know I should use that "normal" term loosely...lol)
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Olde England
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ouch... that must be tough mate, I agree with others that finding some help for you or some counselling for the both of you to attend together so you can voice your pain might be a good way forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hon, you have your own recovering to do. You don't need permission from her to do it. If it hurts to even ask, then you need it more than you know.
I've been right where you are, and I know how stuck you feel. Try not to let your worries keep you even more stuck than you already feel because of the circumstance.
I've been right where you are, and I know how stuck you feel. Try not to let your worries keep you even more stuck than you already feel because of the circumstance.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Tell her that you need to work your program!
I don't know how she could balk at that unless she is going to dismiss AA/Alanon as effective...and we know she can't do that.
Then a night for you, something else, anything else you want. Yes you are raising these kids with her, but one parent shouldn't be the "babysitter" all the time. This is a marriage--not indentured servitude. That means a partnership. That means shared responsibilities.
I don't know how she could balk at that unless she is going to dismiss AA/Alanon as effective...and we know she can't do that.
Then a night for you, something else, anything else you want. Yes you are raising these kids with her, but one parent shouldn't be the "babysitter" all the time. This is a marriage--not indentured servitude. That means a partnership. That means shared responsibilities.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by dshonwood 
I am sure she would try to turn that into a blameshift and make that into somehow me taking away from her recovery. 
I agree that getting some time for yourself is critical! Is hiring a sitter a possibility to help you get to a meeting or some other activity that you value?
Can I also ask what brought her to recovery in the first place? Did she truly desire the change or do you think she felt "forced" somehow?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I personally think one year in is plenty of time to step up and take some responsibility. I totally agree that you find an AlAnon meeting, and let her know that she needs to be home on that evening to care for HER children. Don't worry about her reaction to it. She can react however she wants, that doesn't stop you from doing what is right for you. You BOTH have recovery to work on, it isn't all about her needs. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Stop working her recovery and put your focus on yours. You'll be amazed at how much time you will get back, how much better you will feel, and that she is in fact an adult woman 100 percent responsible for her own recovery. You are her husband, not her daddy.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Thank you all for the words of encouragement. It is just very exhausting for me at this point and I feel like I'm on my last leg. I mean we just had our 10 yr anniversary and all she got for me was a $5.99 card, after she went to the mall to buy another new Coach purse.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
A lazy bum is still a lazy bum whether drunk or dry.
mho --
Start looking at Plan B (as in Bye-Bye) and either she straightens up or you (and likely the kids) are gone. Not saying to threaten that, but rather do that. Big difference. Either way, your problems end.
mho --
Start looking at Plan B (as in Bye-Bye) and either she straightens up or you (and likely the kids) are gone. Not saying to threaten that, but rather do that. Big difference. Either way, your problems end.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Here's the deal. She may never get to step 9, and this may be as good as it ever gets. Can you accept that?
Waiting around for someone to get to that big step 9 thinking they will make amends to people they have hurt is a waste of this precious life.
I was 28 when I went to rehab. I was the single mother of an 8-year-old daughter at the time. I had NO time to slack off on responsibilities when I was discharged. It was time to face real life and deal with it.
I hit the ground running and landed a full-time job as a CNA one week after I was out. I had myself and a child to support. Did I make a lot of meetings? Yes I did, I had to in those early days in order to maintain recovery.
Yet I still managed to hold down that job, take care of things at home, many of them being mundane stuff like taking out the trash, paying bills, cleaning the house.
Oh, and daughter #2 came along two years into my recovery so that was another challenge in my life.
This idea that newbies in recovery want to be coddled and not assume responsibility makes me roll my eyes. Puleeeeeez!
Unfortunately I relapsed after 4 years, but by the grace of God and a lot of hard work, I got back into recovery after 2 miserable months, and have 22+ years of continuous recovery.
I hear the pain and the resentment in your post. You deserve so much more, and a good starting point is to put your own recovery first and foremost. Don't wait on her to "heal your wounds." She can't.
I realize that with your work schedule and caring for 4 children takes up the majority of your time, but I encourage you not to wait for the time, but to make the time for meetings.
Please continue to post as you can because this is a terrific group of caring, supportive people!
Waiting around for someone to get to that big step 9 thinking they will make amends to people they have hurt is a waste of this precious life.
I was 28 when I went to rehab. I was the single mother of an 8-year-old daughter at the time. I had NO time to slack off on responsibilities when I was discharged. It was time to face real life and deal with it.
I hit the ground running and landed a full-time job as a CNA one week after I was out. I had myself and a child to support. Did I make a lot of meetings? Yes I did, I had to in those early days in order to maintain recovery.
Yet I still managed to hold down that job, take care of things at home, many of them being mundane stuff like taking out the trash, paying bills, cleaning the house.
Oh, and daughter #2 came along two years into my recovery so that was another challenge in my life.
This idea that newbies in recovery want to be coddled and not assume responsibility makes me roll my eyes. Puleeeeeez!
Unfortunately I relapsed after 4 years, but by the grace of God and a lot of hard work, I got back into recovery after 2 miserable months, and have 22+ years of continuous recovery.
I hear the pain and the resentment in your post. You deserve so much more, and a good starting point is to put your own recovery first and foremost. Don't wait on her to "heal your wounds." She can't.
I realize that with your work schedule and caring for 4 children takes up the majority of your time, but I encourage you not to wait for the time, but to make the time for meetings.
Please continue to post as you can because this is a terrific group of caring, supportive people!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
it is time that she grows up
Originally Posted by dshonwood
Or am I being used and taken advantage of??
Do AA members truly go back to kindergarten aged intelligence and wisdom and need that much guidance or could she be using this as an excuse to not have to be "responsible" or make decisions??
Do AA members truly go back to kindergarten aged intelligence and wisdom and need that much guidance or could she be using this as an excuse to not have to be "responsible" or make decisions??
when we get sober we need to get rid of some old ideas
if we are to mature in our sobriety
does not sound as if she wishes to do that
guess she has been having her way with you for a long time
program or no program
steps or no steps
it is time that she grows up
and start being the wife and mother that God wishes for her to be
onehigherpower
if we are to mature in our sobriety
does not sound as if she wishes to do that
guess she has been having her way with you for a long time
program or no program
steps or no steps
it is time that she grows up
and start being the wife and mother that God wishes for her to be
onehigherpower
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Thank you for not sugar coating it. I also would think that "adult" instinct would have kicked in by now. It is very difficult to express my feelings and frustration around her as too many times it backfires and I am made to feel guilty for getting angry and she feels the need to walk away to call her sponsor (basically a scapegoat to get out of the conversation). It is as if my job is to sit there and tell everything is ok (when its not) just to not harm her "sensitive" recovery.
It feels very weird as most of what I read and see in Al meetings I have been to, is it is usually the woman in my shoes. I almost never hear it my version...lol I almost feel had it not been for the children, I would have left that environment long ago.
It feels very weird as most of what I read and see in Al meetings I have been to, is it is usually the woman in my shoes. I almost never hear it my version...lol I almost feel had it not been for the children, I would have left that environment long ago.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when I first got sober I was a single mom with a 3 yr old, co-parenting with my ex. I didn't HAVE anybody to take up the slack while I "recovered" - I had to make time for work, for my child, for meetings. no kid gloves, no opportunity to put the REST of my life on hold. I was told that recovery is all about becoming a responsible productive member of society and the sooner, the better.
I started working steps BEFORE I got a sponsor...and my sponsor had me redo step 1 and 4 a few times till I got to the heart of the matter. ahem, ME. I also took my daughter with me to meetings, she even helped "chair" meetings with me, banging the gavel. i'd pack a soft toy bag for her and we'd talk about expected behavior prior to going.
my point is....she's got a year under her belt now. she needs to start acting like a grown up, a mother and a wife. those are obligations. not options. i'd suggest have a grown up talk about things....let her know this a partnership, not a free ride. and that she needs to start bringing more to the table.
and I agree with others..don't hang your hat on the big step 9 amends. may never happen.
I started working steps BEFORE I got a sponsor...and my sponsor had me redo step 1 and 4 a few times till I got to the heart of the matter. ahem, ME. I also took my daughter with me to meetings, she even helped "chair" meetings with me, banging the gavel. i'd pack a soft toy bag for her and we'd talk about expected behavior prior to going.
my point is....she's got a year under her belt now. she needs to start acting like a grown up, a mother and a wife. those are obligations. not options. i'd suggest have a grown up talk about things....let her know this a partnership, not a free ride. and that she needs to start bringing more to the table.
and I agree with others..don't hang your hat on the big step 9 amends. may never happen.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
dshonwood, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I don't have experience with working through longer term sobriety/recovery, so I can't offer much advice there. But I will echo what others here before me have said - you need to find your own recovery. If you're not able to get her to take the kids for a night, you can try online meetings for Al Anon or Smart Recovery F&F.
Sending you strength, hope & hugs.
Sending you strength, hope & hugs.
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