MeSoSober

Related to bigsombrero's very insightful self-talk thread in the alcoholism forum. I'm posting it here in part because I think it might be an effective tool for newcomers to sobriety like myself.

Quite often when we're told by ourselves or someone else that we "can't" do something, we may become more fixated on doing it. I think that we can often wear ourselves down telling ourselves over and over, day after day, "I can't drink."

What about changing "I can't drink" to "I can, but choose not to"? For me, anyway, I think could be a refreshing and even empowering change.

At the first AA meeting I ever attended, a woman said something like this to me -- that she could choose to have a drink anytime she wanted, but hoped she wouldn't or, perhaps more decisively, would not choose to. That really struck a chord with me.

Grymt

I can't not drink which is why I don't drink. It's just a matter of life or death. That is the simple choice that a sufferer of this progressive disease ultimately will face.
Don't drink! There are so many yets that don't have to happen. Use whatever resource you can find to deal with life on its own terms, sober, and clean,

ScottFromWI

For me it's pretty cut and dry as well, and no offense intended. While an alcoholic can certainly choose to drink, it wouldn't be a very wise choice. The very nature of alcoholism is that the alcoholic cannot control his or her consumption. Therefore, going about the day telling yourself that you "could" have a drink but you "choose not to" is really just fooling yourself IMHO.

MeSoSober

But there is a difference between the inability to control your consumption and the inability to have a drink. The former is true, the latter is not. Which is precisely why so many people who have previously committed to sobriety, like me, later relapse or slip or whatever you want to call it. I am not and would never suggest that anyone kid themselves with regard to their ability to control their consumption. That is not what I'm saying.

But alcohol is available to most of us 24/7 and there is nothing physically stopping most of us from obtaining and drinking it. We choose not to.

"I can't" is restricting and negative. "I choose not to" is empowering and positive. I think there ARE days when we need to tell ourselves we can't, and other days when it may be more effective in preserving our sobriety to mentally frame it as a choice. I'll compare it to positive and negative motivation to stay sober. I find that both are effective to me -- hearing horror stories about the consequences of drinking and happy stories about the benefits of sobriety. Both are helpful to me at different times.

It's not a technique that may be safe or effective for everyone, but I think for many of us, it can be an empowering way to help us to continue to make the right choice to continue abstain from alcohol. That's the intent, anyway.

ScottFromWI

While that may be true, the bottom line is that if you want to remain sober you cannot drink - period. No semantics argument you can have in your head will change that fact.

MeSoSober

But alcohol is available to most of us 24/7 and there is nothing physically stopping most of us from obtaining and drinking it. We choose not to.

I really don't know how to be any more clear, so I won't try.

avocado

Yeah, that's how I approach it. My sobriety is something I'm adding to my life, not a lack of something (alcohol). I am 100% sure that I could drink a beer or two and then go another 110 days without a drink, but I choose not to for the simple reason that I like that choice.

ScottFromWI

You don't have to. We just have different opinions on our methods of recovery. I don't drink because I know I can't, and i have no problem with that. You choose not to drink. The end result is the most important thing, right?

silentrun

I choose not to because I know I can't.

visch1

When sobering up I liked, from experience, "I can not drink in safety."

Nonsensical

I can't drink only tells part of the story. Rather like when your ex told you I need space. They really meant I need space you're not in.

I can't drink in moderation.
I can't drink responsibly.
I can't drink and tell you where I'll be when I wake up.
I can't drink and feel good about myself tomorrow.

These start to tell the whole story.

But I don't get too hung up on words. Some people say alcoholic, some people say alcohol depndent. Some people say addicted to alcohol. I know what they mean.

SnwFlower

I really like this concept of thinking. For me personally, it's empowering and realistic instead of placing myself in the seat of fear or being conquered. Again, for me personally, this works best in that I know that ultimately I control all of my choices and destiny. Thanks for sharing!

MeSoSober

It is. And I started to say that there is definitely a "mind game" element to it. You are right in that the person who frames drinking as choice (some or all of the time) must know deep down that it is NOT a choice. But to me framing it that way can sometimes free me from the "Woe is me I CAN'T mentality" to the "Yay me I choose not to" mentality.

Emphasis on the part about deep down, you know you can't drink.

bigsombrero

MeSoSober - yes, language can be important. As far as this being better for newcomers, I think it depends on your situation.

In the beginning I could not be trusted to allow myself to "choose not to drink". I did not need positive and hopeful terminology - I almost died from alcoholism, that is certain, I have the medical ER records and CAT scans to prove it. I needed tough, no-nonsense rhetoric drilled into my brain. I was not well enough to control the whole thing, I needed help, I did inpatient treatment and was basically in lockdown. That is my experience and that is what worked for me in my early recovery time.

Today I still find it best not to focus too hard on it. I drink again, there is a likelyhood I will die from alcoholism in a relatively short period of time. I know it. THAT WORKS. The bottom line is now, I TRUST MYSELF, and once that finally happened the world really opened up to me.

Nonsensical

I don't think we focus enough on the benefits of having a positive mental attitude. Every day here we get a parade of new members in post-bender mode, feeling miserable and full of that horrific mixture of shame, guilt, self-loathing and disgust that only entertaining our addictions can make reality. I was one of those new members back in January. I remember.

Being sober is 100% positive. If a particular turn of phrase helps someone attain that, I say ride her 'til she bucks.

SixStringZen

I tend to place this philosophy on stopping drinking too...."I can't stop"...Actually, you won't stop...

bigsombrero

Agreed. Actually I have started to not post too much on the super newbie posts. When someone says they have 3 days of sobriety and are suffering, I often can't relate because I was in a treatment center - I didn't ride this out on my couch and home laptop. Similarly, when someone happily says "Yay I'm on DAYYY THREEE", I also really cannot relate too much. On my day 3 I was waddling down the hallway after shitt*ng myself in a hospital bed.

I think I learn the most from those who have made it past that initial hump. I agree with you Nonsensical we should all be more positive and gravitate towards those who are taking positive and healthy steps towards recovery. Listening to newbies suffer/cheer as well as grumpy old-timers who think we are all doomed - that is not for me right now. What is best is that I continue to look for growth and seek out others who are doing the same. I will learn from their trials, their bumps in the road, but most of all I will learn from their successes. I hope to share that with others too.

bigsombrero

Edit: I did not mean to undersell the power of Newbie Hope. I simply do not POST on those threads, but I do read them.

freshstart57

Self empowerment is the way forward on this, I believe, and any mindset we can adopt that strengthens us is all to the good.

I like to take this concept even further, and believe not only that I can choose not to drink, but I can choose to be sober and enjoy all that can mean.

Nonsensical

I agree to a point, but I think it's important to note that when a person does not understand their craving, and can't differentiate it from liking their substance it has a disempowering effect. When you don't understand that part of your own brain is actually betraying you it's very difficult to comprehend the difference.