Need a Little Encouragement
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Need a Little Encouragement
OK, so I've shared my story about life with my AH, his short stint in detox, and his relapse less than a week from his release. Last weekend, I had a million things going on. I played in a trivia night with my colleagues to raise money for a scholarship fund, baked for a friend's benefit, then baked and iced over a hundred cupcakes for my sister's baby shower. In the middle of all of this, my AH decides to become "husband of the year" by coming over and getting the mowers ready for summer and mowing the yard. This is something the guy NEVER did before - yard work. . . basically anything to do with the house has been my job just because he's too drunk to do it. So - he tells me while at the house that he's decided he can "handle" two or three beers at night, and he thinks that's what bothered me anyway - the day-long drinking. He proceeds to tell me (i.e. manipulate) that if I could live with 2-3 beers a night, he could do this because if not he would just have to file for divorce. 
I honestly had too much on my plate at the time for that to sink in really well until Monday morning, when I woke up thinking "What in the heck?!?" First of all - I loooooooove how all of this is turned around to me being cruel and heartless. It was cruel to put me through 13 years of a roller-coaster marriage thanks to his drinking. Second - so after a 6 day stint in rehab, he now has the ability to "just" have 2-3 beers and no more? He isn't going to meetings, he hasn't dealt with or admitted to the affect he has had on our children. . . the guy came out of there still in complete and utter denial.
So, this morning I get a text. "We need to talk tonight about where we are headed." I felt instantly sick. I know I have an evening of crap to deal with, and he is going to try to turn this into my fault, my decision, I'm giving him no choice. . . yada, yada, yada.
So what I need is encouragement. Please remind me of all the reasons I am doing this. Help me with what I need to say to help him see this is what is best for all of us. I am exhausted, drained, and need help from all of you wonderful people.
I honestly had too much on my plate at the time for that to sink in really well until Monday morning, when I woke up thinking "What in the heck?!?" First of all - I loooooooove how all of this is turned around to me being cruel and heartless. It was cruel to put me through 13 years of a roller-coaster marriage thanks to his drinking. Second - so after a 6 day stint in rehab, he now has the ability to "just" have 2-3 beers and no more? He isn't going to meetings, he hasn't dealt with or admitted to the affect he has had on our children. . . the guy came out of there still in complete and utter denial.
So, this morning I get a text. "We need to talk tonight about where we are headed." I felt instantly sick. I know I have an evening of crap to deal with, and he is going to try to turn this into my fault, my decision, I'm giving him no choice. . . yada, yada, yada.
So what I need is encouragement. Please remind me of all the reasons I am doing this. Help me with what I need to say to help him see this is what is best for all of us. I am exhausted, drained, and need help from all of you wonderful people.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Well, the addict in my life is my son, so I don't have experience coming from the spouse's side BUT ... I will glady encourage you to not listen to his quacking. ;-)
He has not changed, and is not working any kind of recovery.
Don't agree to the talk if you don't feel like it. Just cause he wants it, doesn't mean it has to happen.
He has not changed, and is not working any kind of recovery.
Don't agree to the talk if you don't feel like it. Just cause he wants it, doesn't mean it has to happen.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Remember the phrase
"Nothing changes if nothing changes"
it's ok to base your decisions on actions not the same old promises
when we see some healthier actions and decisions being made by the A's in our lives then we know that something maybe be different this time
Everyone always had choices - he has the choice to work a program of recovery if he wants to be a part of your life - you aren't making him do anything.
Oh & just a suggestion - maybe meet at a mutual place if you decide to talk to him - that way if it is a bunch of "quacking" you can leave, rather than be stuck listening to him waiting for him to leave your home.
Just my e, s, and h
wishing you a peaceful evening
pink hugs!
"Nothing changes if nothing changes"
it's ok to base your decisions on actions not the same old promises
when we see some healthier actions and decisions being made by the A's in our lives then we know that something maybe be different this time
Everyone always had choices - he has the choice to work a program of recovery if he wants to be a part of your life - you aren't making him do anything.
Oh & just a suggestion - maybe meet at a mutual place if you decide to talk to him - that way if it is a bunch of "quacking" you can leave, rather than be stuck listening to him waiting for him to leave your home.
Just my e, s, and h
wishing you a peaceful evening
pink hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
I thought of that - meeting at his parent's house or somewhere other than our home. I don't want the drama or the stress at all. I don't even know if I want to meet tonight. My boys have had track meets or track practice as well as summer baseball practice every night this week. We have it tonight unless we got enough rain for it to be cancelled. I was looking forward to a quiet night at home. Anytime I know he's flying in, I immediately start to feel nervous. Nothing has changed for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Don’t allow him to brow beat you into meeting him tonight and forcing you to make any decision tonight.
I think it may help you if you try and get your mind around the fact that you ONLY need to do what is right for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN – you are not going to sell him(the active alcoholic) on the fact that you leaving him is best for all. Cause he’s never going to see it that way. That thinking is setting the stage for an argument and you are going to just find yourself spinning your wheels and getting frustrated all over again.
I think it may help you if you try and get your mind around the fact that you ONLY need to do what is right for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN – you are not going to sell him(the active alcoholic) on the fact that you leaving him is best for all. Cause he’s never going to see it that way. That thinking is setting the stage for an argument and you are going to just find yourself spinning your wheels and getting frustrated all over again.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear completely, you do not have to get him to see anything. The boundry is for YOU--you never have to explain or defend if you don't choose to.
This guy is still an active alcoholic. He is not in recovery. His proposal is really laughable in it's absurdity--just another example of the twisted thinking of an alcoholic.
By the way, he knows that you are intimidated by him--trust me, he does!
sincerely, dandylion
This guy is still an active alcoholic. He is not in recovery. His proposal is really laughable in it's absurdity--just another example of the twisted thinking of an alcoholic.
By the way, he knows that you are intimidated by him--trust me, he does!
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Oh, I know he realizes I am intimidated by him - intimidation is one of his main ploys. That's why he sent the text this morning when he knew I was at work - to catch me off guard and unnerve me a bit.
One of the main reasons I don't want to talk to him is because he doesn't take the whole I'm doing this for the boys thing seriously. He always turns the focus away from that issue with something else - his favorite? I'm obviously having an affair!!!!
The thing is, I don't care if he files for divorce. I am fine with that. I was at that point when I moved his stuff out - obviously that was a possibility at that point. He is doing this to try to change my mine, but I don't want to talk to him tonight because there is nothing he could say to change my mind. I just don't know how else to say it that hasn't been done before. So frustrating!
One of the main reasons I don't want to talk to him is because he doesn't take the whole I'm doing this for the boys thing seriously. He always turns the focus away from that issue with something else - his favorite? I'm obviously having an affair!!!!
The thing is, I don't care if he files for divorce. I am fine with that. I was at that point when I moved his stuff out - obviously that was a possibility at that point. He is doing this to try to change my mine, but I don't want to talk to him tonight because there is nothing he could say to change my mind. I just don't know how else to say it that hasn't been done before. So frustrating!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear completely, just say it. It is that simple (even if you are shaking inside). You said it very clearly--to us!!!
If intimidation is his game---Don't show him fear or indecisiveness.
Thighten up yer boundrys, girl!!
Helpful tip--It is possible to show great courage when still in fear. As a matter of fact, it is necessary most of the time.
You got it in you. Try it--you will see.
sincerely, dandylion
If intimidation is his game---Don't show him fear or indecisiveness.
Thighten up yer boundrys, girl!!
Helpful tip--It is possible to show great courage when still in fear. As a matter of fact, it is necessary most of the time.
You got it in you. Try it--you will see.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
So - he tells me while at the house that he's decided he can "handle" two or three beers at night, and he thinks that's what bothered me anyway - the day-long drinking. He proceeds to tell me (i.e. manipulate) that if I could live with 2-3 beers a night, he could do this because if not he would just have to file for divorce.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I told my xa 1 year no alcohol and authentic verifiable program of recovery would net a "date" in Tahiti at his expense. If the date went well we could talk about another date. This was 14 months ago.
Worked like a charm. His longest recovery time has been 4 months. 3 relapses and he is now back in Vegas.
If you set boundaries more will be revealed. The truth will set you free
Worked like a charm. His longest recovery time has been 4 months. 3 relapses and he is now back in Vegas.
If you set boundaries more will be revealed. The truth will set you free
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I'm with Dandy here, you DO NOT have to meet with him face to face.
He already has told you his agenda, "2 or 3 beers a night" sounds pretty clear to me. You do know he is just trying to worm his way back in. He's still trying to manipulate, control, deny, and he is LYING to himself and YOU.
If you absolutely feel you need to communicate, I would do it by email, even speaking on the phone has its negative consequences.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
Sending you strength.
He already has told you his agenda, "2 or 3 beers a night" sounds pretty clear to me. You do know he is just trying to worm his way back in. He's still trying to manipulate, control, deny, and he is LYING to himself and YOU.
If you absolutely feel you need to communicate, I would do it by email, even speaking on the phone has its negative consequences.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
Sending you strength.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Just throwing this out there--it's his responsibility to realize he can't drink, right? So if you say nothing...he starts with two or three beers, and shows to HIMSELF the outcome, either he ramps that up to drunkenness or doesn't.
You don't have to be involved in that...it's not about you, which is absolutely terrific. I would avoid having a part in that like the plague, because if I play a part in it, I am partly responsible for the outcome.
Would it be a nice thing to do for yourself--have no part in that decision? Therefore no responsibility? Put it right back ON HIM.
I'm just back to fully understanding that we can never tell another person they can't drink...either they see it, or they don't. You can't convince him. If we could, people the world over could convince others to stop every bad habit imaginable.
On that note, you have to make a silent boundary to yourself.
You don't have to be involved in that...it's not about you, which is absolutely terrific. I would avoid having a part in that like the plague, because if I play a part in it, I am partly responsible for the outcome.
Would it be a nice thing to do for yourself--have no part in that decision? Therefore no responsibility? Put it right back ON HIM.
I'm just back to fully understanding that we can never tell another person they can't drink...either they see it, or they don't. You can't convince him. If we could, people the world over could convince others to stop every bad habit imaginable.
On that note, you have to make a silent boundary to yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Well, I did not meet with him last night. The older boys had baseball practice, and AH knew we would be gone. I'm getting the little ones' coats and shoes put up when my oldest says "mom, you need to come see this." I come into the kitchen, and AH has left a note:
"If this is what you wanted, you got it - I AM DONE!" His wedding ring was on it. The older boys actually laugh about it - not a normal response, I know. Spoke volumes. I go on with baths and bedtime as usual. Then AH starts the calls. I answer the first one. I told him if this is what he wants, ok. I'm not going to fight with him. We own the house and our vehicles, so we agreed just to split stuff up. I told him I'd get the lawyer. Very calm, never raised my voice.
This is not what he was expecting.
That's when the second wave of sobbing voice mails started. He misses me, doesn't want things to end like this. . .yada, yada, yada.
The thing is, I'm relatively calm about all of this. I sensed it would turn out like this, am ok financially, don't foresee a big fight, really it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Is it bad that I feel relieved in the face of divorce?
"If this is what you wanted, you got it - I AM DONE!" His wedding ring was on it. The older boys actually laugh about it - not a normal response, I know. Spoke volumes. I go on with baths and bedtime as usual. Then AH starts the calls. I answer the first one. I told him if this is what he wants, ok. I'm not going to fight with him. We own the house and our vehicles, so we agreed just to split stuff up. I told him I'd get the lawyer. Very calm, never raised my voice.
This is not what he was expecting.
That's when the second wave of sobbing voice mails started. He misses me, doesn't want things to end like this. . .yada, yada, yada.
The thing is, I'm relatively calm about all of this. I sensed it would turn out like this, am ok financially, don't foresee a big fight, really it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Is it bad that I feel relieved in the face of divorce?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CompletelyLost4, when I decided I wanted a divorce from the children's father--I just felt mostly relief--a huge weight lifted--like I was getting released from prison. He wasn't even an alcoholic--but extremely narcissistic. That was decades ago and I have never doubted that I did the right thing. I hear that he hasn't changed one bit!!!
sincerely, dandylion.
If that was wrong--I don't want to be right.
sincerely, dandylion.
If that was wrong--I don't want to be right.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Is it bad that I feel relieved in the face of divorce?
You feel relieved because you are making a choice that is healthy and liberating for you and your children.
Having your AH in your lives is not healthy and it does not make any of you happy.
The divorce is the result of that.
You are entitled to feel whatever you feel without your feelings being judged as "bad" or "good".
More power to you!
ShootingStar1
You feel relieved because you are making a choice that is healthy and liberating for you and your children.
Having your AH in your lives is not healthy and it does not make any of you happy.
The divorce is the result of that.
You are entitled to feel whatever you feel without your feelings being judged as "bad" or "good".
More power to you!
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
His little manipulative ploy didn't work, eh? How sad for him. See, he was counting on your being terrified of losing his wonderfulness.
I've experienced these little epiphanies, where all of a sudden you go, "Wha? Why would I not take this as a great opportunity?"
Divorces, breakups, sometimes they are HUGE blessings. I think that's why you are so calm and feeling relieved. Not a thing awful about it. Too bad things didn't work out, but given the way they are, I think I'd be feeling relieved, too.
I've experienced these little epiphanies, where all of a sudden you go, "Wha? Why would I not take this as a great opportunity?"
Divorces, breakups, sometimes they are HUGE blessings. I think that's why you are so calm and feeling relieved. Not a thing awful about it. Too bad things didn't work out, but given the way they are, I think I'd be feeling relieved, too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Help me with what I need to say to help him see
what you need to do is simply speak YOUR piece....speak of your needs, and your decisions. you can't control what he will hear or take away from your words.
think of a telemarketer call, the only thing you can say that CHANGES the situation is "take me off your list, never call again" and hang up. OR better yet, not even answer. addiction is a lot like telemarketing...relentless, uncaring and having no issue with invading your space and serenity at any time cuz it wants to.
say what you need to say. period. and then be willing to uphold your own words. that is ALL you can control.
what you need to do is simply speak YOUR piece....speak of your needs, and your decisions. you can't control what he will hear or take away from your words.
think of a telemarketer call, the only thing you can say that CHANGES the situation is "take me off your list, never call again" and hang up. OR better yet, not even answer. addiction is a lot like telemarketing...relentless, uncaring and having no issue with invading your space and serenity at any time cuz it wants to.
say what you need to say. period. and then be willing to uphold your own words. that is ALL you can control.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
It is amazing how the Alcoholic can victimize themselves. My AH was going on via text last night stating that I need to try something different and that we’re in this till death do us part. He stated that he has a medical condition and I should support him. He was stating that I make him out to be this bad guy. Basically it was all “poor me.”
We can’t let these manipulations pull us in any longer. I’m glad you didn’t fall for the latest. Stay strong.
We can’t let these manipulations pull us in any longer. I’m glad you didn’t fall for the latest. Stay strong.
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