My son wants to come home

Old 04-11-2013, 01:24 AM
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My son wants to come home

After living for 10 years with my son's addiction, he moved out the day I joined SR. I had limited contact with him through this time, but knew he went from his (now ex-) girlfriend, to an older woman to his dad. I just received the email I knew would come one day. His dad has kicked him out and he wants to come back.

Thanks to my years on SR, I could send him a loving letter telling him how much I have learned about addiction and enabling and that I could not do that anymore. I told him that if he needed help to get into rehab, I will be willing to assist, but that is all I have to offer him.

I told him that I loved him very much and that I place him in God's hands every day. I wished him well.

I am still very sad, but at the same time I know I did the only thing that would be really helpful. I pray to God that he may find his bottom. But I also know that even if he doesn't we will still be ok.

Thanks to everyone on SR who have been here for support, day after day.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:43 AM
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Hi Sunshine I am new here so I don't know allot about your journey. I just wanted to say that I admire your faith and courage. I know it is not always easy saying no to someone whom you love so dearly. But you did the right thing for you and this might just be the motivation he needs to get himself cleaned up.

Take care, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 04-11-2013, 02:40 AM
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Thank you, Angelscry. He has responded with the normal accusations that he is not addicted and that his using is my fault and that I cannot be loving if I cannot help him out.

In March 2010, this would have made me change my mind and rush to help him. Luckily I now know to sit back and let God do what He does. I will not get drawn into a response.
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:55 AM
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I know your pain Sunshine. It's the hardest thing in the world.

Stay close and we'll walk with you.
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:06 AM
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and prayers for you and your family.
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:30 AM
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He has responded with the normal accusations that he is not addicted and that his using is my fault and that I cannot be loving if I cannot help him out.
This is a sure sign that you made the right decision, Sunshine. I have been where you are so many times and each time I let my son come home was a huge mistake, for him and for me. All it did was bring his addiction into my safe place, my home, and made his using easier.

I know how hard this is for you, and you made a very courageous decision, but we both know it is the right decision. We cannot live in their addiction and our recovery at the same time, and I am pretty sure you and I both value our recovery today and won't be giving it up any time soon.

I will keep your son in my prayers, along with my own son. God can do for all our children what we and they cannot do for themselves.

Hugs
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:47 AM
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Thank you Ann, Anya, TJP and Angelscry.

Ann, I know it is the right decision. His story and promises have not changed in the last 3 years. With the clarity I got from here, it is clear that he has no intention of stopping his using. It is very hard, because my heart is sore. I cannot pay for his addiction again. Even more, I cannot let my 17-year old pay for his brother's choices again.

I place him quietly in God's loving arms and know that He will do what is best for my son.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:47 AM
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Sunshine2: Thanks for sharing this. I will be praying for your son and for you and your family. (((Hugs)))

Sometimes the door bangs shut as well as opens, doesn't it? I guess we could say you are opening a totally different door for your son that is a different path. And because you have closed the old door, this new one might one day look more inviting to him. And your actions have spoken volumes to your son as evidenced by his angry reaction. Addicts live in a world where their only emotion is anger, so he is communicating to you, with his only available emotion, that your reaction has affected him deeply. This is a good thing.

As I write this I realize I am also speaking to myself regarding my own AS and the importance of keeping on-task with this simple message that I have given him.

Hang in there, dear. Waiting is the hardest work of hope.

Sojourner
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Old 04-11-2013, 06:24 AM
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(((((Sunshine)))))

What an AWESOME post!!!!

I know this must hurt you!!!!

I was the AD who got told by ALL my family that it was my problem and only I could fix it. Until that time, they loved me very much but could not help me. They told me if I called, they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be shut in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police.

I moved across the country to California. It took me 2 1/2 more years before I found recovery and the 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollywood. I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday when I 'surrendered'.

I tell all who find SR that this was the BEST THING my parents ever did for me!!! I will be forever grateful that the finally took the stand they did.

I know I was over 3 years sober and clean when my mom and I had a heart to heart talk and she shared with me that she and dad had reached the end of their ropes. They didn't know about Alanon back then, but she said they had both agreed that if they did not disconnect form me they were both going to end up in a padded cell in straight jackets.

I literally thanked them every week (we talked on the phone at least weekly and I visited for 2 weeks at a time at least 2 to 3 times a year) on the phone and more often when I would do my 2 weeks visits to Florida.

There were other issues that my mom and I had to work on, but I can say that their trust did come back and overall I had a pretty good relationship with them until their individual demise.

Just wanted to give you a 'positive' story on how this can and does work.

Sending prayers for you and your family, and extra prayers that you son's HP helps him to reach his 'personal bottom' and find recovery.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-11-2013, 06:36 AM
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today the thought of it all makes me smile

Originally Posted by Sunshine2 View Post

I told him that I loved him very much and that I place him in God's hands every day. I wished him well.
yes
my mother delivered a similar message to me proxy 25 years ago
she had called AA Central
they told her to stop enabling me
when I heard this news from mom
I was very mad at this AA Central place
today the thought of it all makes me smile

onehigherpower
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Old 04-11-2013, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Sunshine2 View Post
I pray to God that he may find his bottom. But I also know that even if he doesn't we will still be ok.
You show tremendous recovery in the above statement, dear

As the mother of a 35-year-old daughter still in active addiction, I know that I am okay!

She had almost 13 months to "get herself together" in my home starting in February of last year, and not one single change occurred other than she did help around the house as required.

Never again in my home either...

Sending you hugs of support on the chilly Kansas winds this morning!
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