Should my boyfriend seek help?

Old 04-10-2013, 03:26 PM
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Should my boyfriend seek help?

A couple of months ago I met my sister's double mix partner in tennis, and after a few meetings I gathered courage to ask him out. He is always very happy and optimistic, kind and fun to be around in general. He did not talk much about his past and he never drank alcohol. I didn't think much of this and he said he didn't want to drink because he is focused on his tennis. I though that sounded normal. And after all, not everyone likes to drink.

Then an incident occurred last saturday when I introduced him to my friends at a party. And since we consider each other boyfriends they were curious to meet him. They thought it would be fun to pour alcohol in his drink without him knowing, to see how he would act when he was drunk. They meant it as an innocent prank. Very quickly he felt sick, vomited, was very shaky, getting headaches, etc. Not drunk, just very ill and he fell unconscious.
We called an ambulance and was hospitalized for the night.

The next day he tells me that he is actually an alcoholic. (Or was, I don't know when people are considered alcoholics, recovering, sober, etc.) He explains that he takes antabuse at parties with alcohol present, to prevent him from drinking. Also that he started drinking heavily when he was just 14 and smoked weed most of the time.
He has a very tragic past of continually sexual abuse through several years as a child. This man did horrible things to him; beating him with belts, raping him, threaten to kill his family and more. He shot some very sick footage of doing this to my boyfriend, and took pornographic pictures.
Long story short, the man breaks into their home one evening, threatening his mom with acid and my boyfriend attacks him with a knife, stabbing him numerous times. Eventually the man dies from the wounds. His parents wanted my boyfriend punished for manslaughter which luckily does not happen, as it was an act of self defense.

My boyfriend has declined all kinds of treatment and help, this includes help for his alcoholism. He has managed to stay sober for almost 4 months. He had tried for 3 years to stay sober, but would relapse every 2-3 days.
He is a very happy and cheerful person; no act. It is really who he is. He does not see any reason to at least talk to a doctor, and jokes about if we want him to cry or feel sad.

It makes me wonder, if it is really possible to go from alcoholic to sober all by yourself? Specially with such a past. I have not tried anything much out of the ordinary myself, so I dont know how it is to live with such things. But I just cant imagine it is possible to do everything by yourself. Some people can go a long way on their own, no doubt about that.
But one day all these things might come back and bite him in the rear. I'm afraid if that happens he will be totally unprepared and end up doing drugs or drinking again.

I hope this post didn't take up too much of your time and if someone can explain about going sober all by yourself, if it is possible and maybe something that convince him to seek professional help, if necessary.

He is 21 years old, been sober almost 4 months. I know he has a very hard time being around alcohol. When he goes shopping, he has to avoid the aisles with alcohol completely. He can barely even look at them. A few times he has left the items and just rushed out of the store. To me, it all looks like someone who is ready to go on a binge any moment. Today at an café our friend ordered a beer (he doesn't know about my boyfriend's problem as he doesn't want to tell) and went to the bathroom. The beer arrived while he was gone and suddenly my boyfriend just reached for it. I had quite a struggle pulling him away from the table without attracting too much attention.
But I dont know if this is a normal thing, nomatter if an alcoholic receives treatment or tries to do it on his/her own. I dont want to jump to conclusions without some more knowledge about all this.
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Old 04-10-2013, 03:42 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

It's nice to *meet* you. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed.

Your boyfriend is fighting a major battle in trying to recover from his addiction to alcohol. He is going to have a long road ahead of him in trying to learn new coping mechanisms instead of drowning his sorrows in a bottle.

Is it possible to get sober, and learn new coping skills without going to a therapist, rehab, or support group? Yes it is possible.

Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.

I did not use AA or another program to get sober. I did not have access to rehab or therapy at the beginning of my sobriety either. I know other alcoholics in recovery who also are living sober lives by choosing their own paths. It is possible.

I am also recovering from marriage to an alcoholic. I was married 14 years to an alcoholic. It turned our home life into a dramatic train ride headed for a major crash. Debt, manipulation, lies and verbal abuse. It's now how I wanted to live my one precious life.

Let us know how we can help you.
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Old 04-10-2013, 05:22 PM
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hi and welcome. unwittingly that little PRANK of giving someone alcohol without their knowledge could have been deadly. antabuse will cause someone to become violently ill, as demonstrated thru his reaction.

he HAD a plan. using anatabuse to help with the desire to drink. he avoids areas with alcohol. there is NOTHING innocent about slipping someone ANY type of substance without their knowledge...in fact it is a criminal act. it really doesn't matter what YOU think he should do about his problem...that's for HIM to decide.

I know I sound blunt but that "prank" could have killed him. since your cadre of friends enjoys drinking and seems to have no concept of consequences, it would probably be in HIS best interest if you halt the couple of months old relationship and leave him be.
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Old 04-10-2013, 05:43 PM
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Then an incident occurred last saturday when I introduced him to my friends at a party. And since we consider each other boyfriends they were curious to meet him. They thought it would be fun to pour alcohol in his drink without him knowing, to see how he would act when he was drunk. They meant it as an innocent prank. Very quickly he felt sick, vomited, was very shaky, getting headaches, etc. Not drunk, just very ill and he fell unconscious.
We called an ambulance and was hospitalized for the night.


I'm sorry, that does not sound like and innocent prank to me. It sounds more like a stupid prank and more importantly a crime. I would be in the process of re evaluating my friends or in your boyfriends case his romantic interests friends.
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Old 04-10-2013, 06:58 PM
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Ditto for me on the "need to find some new friends" group. Let's forget about the fact that he was on antabuse, for the moment. There is nothing remotely funny or cute or LEGAL about slipping someone drugs or alcohol. I am a recovered alcoholic. Although I would not consider accidental consumption of alcohol to be any kind of a "slip," it certainly could jeopardize my sobriety.

If I were he, I would sue your friends for everything I could get--and I am NOT the kind of person who would file a lawsuit lightly.

As for your questions, it is possible for some people to recover without AA or a formal recovery program. HOWEVER, it sounds as if he is having extreme emotional reactions to the mere sight or thought of alcohol. So he is white-knuckling it, and only a heartbeat away from drinking all the time. I think if he wants relief from his mental obsession, AA is the way to go.

And in all seriousness, if I were you I would tell your friends that this was a most un-funny stunt, and if I ever heard of their doing ANYTHING like that again, I would be done.
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Old 04-10-2013, 07:03 PM
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Jereberly, I have to agree with katiekate here - taking away someone's right to decide to not drink is not prank material, it is seriously wrong. It sounds like you and your friends are young and that there likely was no ill intent here, but nonetheless, there were obviously some pretty serious consequences.

That being said, he will have to decide his own course here going forward. You can't make him not drink. He was trying by taking antabuse - I'm not sure I can say that the antabuse in & of itself is a full sobriety/recovery plan, but it sounds like he was trying. You were there at the cafe today but you can't be there to pull a drink out of his hands every time. You will need to ask yourself whether you're willing to put up with the trials and tribulations that come with having a loved one who is an alcoholic, and he will have to decide on whether he wants to work on his sobriety.
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Old 04-10-2013, 08:30 PM
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Personally, I think someone should kick the sh!t out of the friends that played the little prank. Seriously, are these people in junior high?
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:54 AM
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I think you might have misunderstood me. I personally do not see it as just some innocent prank, thats just how they meant it.
I do agree that even if he was not on antabuse it would still be beyond stupid. It happened without my knowledge. But I don't think many people naturally suspect someone they know to do such a thing.
The intention was not to hurt him. But they did and yes, I do not see those people anymore privately. Some of them are my colleagues so I can't avoid them completely. But they certainly are people I do not want to spend time with anymore.

As of it being a crime, my boyfriend does not want to involve the police. But our boss might as it happened at a party the firm had planned. So far the one who started it all and gave him the drink has been fired. There had been a few complaints about him before, but this was the last straw.
And these people were not all my friend but work-related friends - luckily.


As of the relationship itself, I am willing to put up with whatever it takes as long as he fights for it too. But I have never experienced it before and I don't know anyone who has been with or was an alcoholic. That's why I'm seeking advice and knowledge here.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:25 PM
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He is only 4 months sober, and sounds like he is seriously "white knuckling" right now. He may be sober, but does not sound like he's in recovery. There's a difference. The fact that he won't seek help is worrisome. As has been mentioned, you can't be there every time to drag him away from alcohol...furthermore....that is NOT your job to control him.

You're new to all this, read the posts on here so you come to understand what you're in for if you stay in this. It is a brutal disease, and you will be in the spin cycle if you don't step away and let him find his own way. He does not appear to be willing to fight for it if he isn't willing to surrender and get into real treatment. Antabuse is not treatment.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:48 PM
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a combination of the above list

Originally Posted by Jereberly View Post

It makes me wonder, if it is really possible to go from alcoholic to sober all by yourself?
yes of course God has always made that possible
but
most need to attend AA, NA, Christian 12 Step Programs, bible study or church
or a combination of the above list
so as to achieve solid true sobriety

onehigherpower
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:02 PM
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at a few months into getting to know someone, this is a pretty far-reaching statement:

As of the relationship itself, I am willing to put up with whatever it takes as long as he fights for it too. But I have never experienced it before and I don't know anyone who has been with or was an alcoholic. That's why I'm seeking advice and knowledge here.

you just MET the guy, i'm not sure you really get a vote yet on what HE needs to do with his life?? you say HE needs to "fight for it" but you have NO experience with addiction or alcoholism so you have no idea what that looks like or what it takes. whether HIS method for not drinking is right or wrong, recovery or not, it's HIS choice. can you just back off and DATE without trying to help him manage his life?
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:10 PM
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It was not an innocent prank

Your "friends" are a very special brand of s******s. I hope nobody ever does to them what they did to your boyfriend. Ha ******* ha.

And, anybody that thinks that what they did was innocent and no big deal is just either clueless, or just as bad as they are.

How about they sneak peanuts into somebody's food before knowing if they have a peanut allergy? How about sugar in a diabetic's drinks? ****, let's find a coke addict and sneak him a little bump. How about that! So very, very funny

F*****g A******s.
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:38 PM
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jereberly, it really does sound like he's been white knuckling it and is understandably having a hard time of it. I also understand that you want to be supportive and you want to help. If you're going to hang around, go in with your eyes open - learn as much as you can about addiction. I recommend "Pleasure Unwoven," available in full on YouTube - great resource for understanding the disease model of addiction. There are tons of other resources here - lots of stories of what others have gone through in their experiences with their A's, and the stickies in the F&F forum are a goldmine. My addiction reading list so far has been "Everything Changes" by Beverly Conyers, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews (a little dated, as it was written a while back, but a good intro), and "Get Your Loved One Sober" by Robert Meyers and Brenda Wolfe (just started this one).
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
you just MET the guy, i'm not sure you really get a vote yet on what HE needs to do with his life?? you say HE needs to "fight for it" but you have NO experience with addiction or alcoholism so you have no idea what that looks like or what it takes. whether HIS method for not drinking is right or wrong, recovery or not, it's HIS choice. can you just back off and DATE without trying to help him manage his life?
I don't believe I wrote that I want to get a vote on it or that I think it is easy. I'm sorry if that was the impression my text gave. Nor that I believe his method is wrong or that I want to manage his life.
If I thought it was wrong I would not ask if it's possible for someone to recover on their own. I ask because I don't know if it is. Not because I believe it's wrong. And if it was possible to do without therapy, AA, etc, what the best thing I could do would be.

I'm also not saying he should fight all by himself or that if he relapses it will just be his own fault. But I don't think I could stay with someone who would just say "It's everyone else that's wrong, I dont have a problem, everyone else should change for me."

Again, I don't mean to sound controlling or ignorant. It's not who I am and I'm not trying to control him or say his method is wrong. It is indeed his own choice, of course.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:11 PM
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A good book suggestion for you is:

Sober for Good
New Solutions for Drinking Problems--Advice from Those Who Have Succeeded
By Anne M. Fletcher, Frederick B. Glaser

Hope this helps.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by CeciliaV View Post
jereberly, it really does sound like he's been white knuckling it and is understandably having a hard time of it. I also understand that you want to be supportive and you want to help. If you're going to hang around, go in with your eyes open - learn as much as you can about addiction. I recommend "Pleasure Unwoven," available in full on YouTube - great resource for understanding the disease model of addiction. There are tons of other resources here - lots of stories of what others have gone through in their experiences with their A's, and the stickies in the F&F forum are a goldmine. My addiction reading list so far has been "Everything Changes" by Beverly Conyers, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews (a little dated, as it was written a while back, but a good intro), and "Get Your Loved One Sober" by Robert Meyers and Brenda Wolfe (just started this one).
Thank you very much for the titles. I have not had much time looking around here yet due to work, but I have a free weekend. I will definitely check the forum more the following days.

Thank you for your reply.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Rosiepetal View Post
A good book suggestion for you is:

Sober for Good
New Solutions for Drinking Problems--Advice from Those Who Have Succeeded
By Anne M. Fletcher, Frederick B. Glaser

Hope this helps.
Thanks, I will be sure to check them out.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
Your "friends" are a very special brand of s******s. I hope nobody ever does to them what they did to your boyfriend. Ha ******* ha.

And, anybody that thinks that what they did was innocent and no big deal is just either clueless, or just as bad as they are.

How about they sneak peanuts into somebody's food before knowing if they have a peanut allergy? How about sugar in a diabetic's drinks? ****, let's find a coke addict and sneak him a little bump. How about that! So very, very funny

F*****g A******s.
Haha, I have to agree with you. Nomatter if someone is alcoholic, on antabuse or not, it's still irresponsible. Just if someone is not used to drink, it doesn't end up "funny" as someone thought it would. The person just gets sick and ends up with a very bad hangover.

But I'm glad my daily circle of friends outside work feels the same way. That it is stupid on all levels, no matter the circumstances.
And that the "mastermind behind it" (as the guy called himself) does not work there anymore. Even if he tried to save himself by saying he was drunk and didn't think straight. Like that would be a valid excuse to do stupid things..
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